1. Welcome to Aspies Central, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Trying to understand and heal relationship

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Strong and kind, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Hi all,

    I'm new to this forum.

    Eight months ago I met a wonderful man who right away struck me as very different. I'm very sensitive and have acute skills reading people and I just couldn't figure him out, but with him, it was a good feeling. I felt safe with him. He seemed to be himself with a kind of innocence and intelligence that I found very attractive. Because we lived far away from each other, we could only see each other under limited time periods and often two to three weeks apart was the norm. I felt like he was very selective about what he was telling me about himself and his life in the other city. At times, I was sure he was involved with someone else. But I wanted him to have his space and feel free, and as he is very truthful I figured he'd tell me if he was dating someone else.

    Some months into our relationship, he had a meltdown when he visited me. His anger and intense emotion startled me, and the lack of discussion afterwards made feel like there was something unresolved between us, which made me anxious and sad. He was quiet for several days, then returned to communication. We had some more wonderful times together.

    A few months later, he had another meltdown and then was out of touch for a week. We usually otherwise talked or texted almost every day. I tried to get a hold of him just to talk it through, but he avoided me. I understand now that to him, there was no way of addressing what had happened.

    He has now ended our relationship. I think a friend of his was leaving the state last week, but he never told me if this was an important person to me or not so I don't know how he was feeling about it. One moment his communication with me was sweet, caring, and happy; only a few days later it turned curt, rude, and sparse. I told him this was hurting me, and then he said that everything he had blurted out during his latest meltdown was true and that it was over between us. Only days before we had planned to see each other and we also had a long expensive vacation planned later in the year.

    He hinted at having Aspbergers the last time I saw him, but we never had a chance to talk about it. Now, it all makes sense to me: his lack of facial expressions, his awkward social skills, his focus on a few interesting things. Let me just say: I love this person. I think he's an amazing and kind, not to mention beautiful man. If I had known or recognized that he has AS from the start we could have addressed it and I could have been more supportive to him, as well as stayed cleared of the meltdowns. With that I mean, not taken them personally and made sure he felt safe and loved even during and after them. He has now stopped communicating with me. We were going on this amazing vacation and I'm going to have to do a lot of work to get the money back. More importantly though, we had a close and to me really meaningful connection and now he has just discarded me without apology or even an explanation other than that his feelings are not the same as mine.

    As why he can't be with me, he mentioned all these things that I hadn't told him about myself from the start, which seemed to make him very insecure, but to me they are really minor and if he had ever asked, I would have told him. I have nothing to hide, no secrets. Getting to know someone takes time, and he said several times "I don't know you" even though I told him a lot about myself, my life, past, dreams, and we did spend long and intense periods together. To me, getting to know someone never really stops. It's a process. And it's not always easy, to anyone, to see and hear and allow others to get to know you.

    I know I may never be able to understand what it's like to view the world from his perspective, but I wanted to, and never got the chance. I wanted to make him feel that it's okay to be different, that I loved and accepted him the way he is. It's hard for me to have lost him because 1. I didn't see him clearly and understand his needs and 2. He didn't tell me he had AS, which would have made it much easier for me to navigate our relationship.

    Right now I have to take care of myself, but I am thinking of him and missing him all the time. I know no one out there can answer this question but him, but is there a chance he will change his mind? Even if we don't go back to the way things were in the beginning (so loving, exciting, sweet), I would like to feel more peace between us, and get another chance to understand. Even if we cannot be together long term, this was a horrible way to end it, and it came out of nowhere. I have only love for him, even though he hurt me, and now he's mad at that too and says he never asked me for love or commitment. Well, I just never looked for anyone else, and that's not for lack of other men being interested in me. I'm warm, kind, beautiful, and intelligent and I gave him only the best of myself and my life. The hardest thing for him seemed to be when I cried, which happened twice in 7 months, once because he yelled at me and the other time when I injured myself badly in his company. What can I do? Thank you for any thoughts. And support.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2017
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,410
    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2013
    Karma:
    +12,015
  3. Danny 74

    Danny 74 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    398
    Joined:
    May 2, 2017
    Karma:
    +370
    Helloooo strong and kind.....!
     
  4. Streetwise

    Streetwise Active Member

    Messages:
    816
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2016
    Karma:
    +371
    The
    The problem for me is knowing what human n.t's mean is very confusing thats how my brain has been designed and emotions are also confusing so i avoid relationships autism means youll be hypersensitive to sound and we DONT have that ability to communicate that you have we communicate like a nervous animal really happy to an extent if youre kind but always wary of being injured and no social skills that are natural we mimic and its mindnumbingly shattering thats where the meltdowns happen trying to be two things
    then if youve suffered verbal or physical abuse its even harder we can be hurt easily sort of innocent like a young infant
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. Bender5

    Bender5 Active Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    May 19, 2017
    Karma:
    +18
    Welcome, After reading about your experience I know that I had been through this many times. I had stepped outside of my comfort zone and met people that I've had great experiences with. I molded myself to be the perfect partner because I was so afraid of not being accepted. After a while I became very uncomfortable being the fake person that I had become. At that point the only safe choice left to me was to just disappear.
    Sorry but TRUE
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  6. Nitro

    Nitro Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,663
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +10,276
  7. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm assuming he didn't quietly refer to "his Aspbergers" as some kind of joke. It's pretty clear to me that he has AS. I lost a dear family member to suicide who had AS so I recognize the signs. I can see how he molded himself in the previous relationship he had. Maybe he did it with me too. It breaks my heart if he was trying to be someone he is not, or the notion that he cannot be loved as the person he is. What can I say or do now, that he has disappeared, to make him feel that it's okay? That I still care about him? I don't want anything from him, just want him to know he is in my heart. Maybe it doesn't matter to him? My life is about compassion, love, and understanding...even when it's complicated. Trying to keep my ego out of it. Thanks again. :cherryblossom:
     
  8. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Thank you, I replied but couldn't figure out how to get it in this box. :) See my reply in the thread.
     
  9. Bender5

    Bender5 Active Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    May 19, 2017
    Karma:
    +18
    Well having been in his position a few times. Be assured that his heart is aching in a very real way. You must definitely give him space and just don't let go. Does he realized that he has this problem? I know that I always blamed everyone else. I finally met someone that percerviered through several years of meltdowns until we were directed to professional councilling. There, I confessed to having something going on that I couldn't understand. The therapist led me to AS
    Now that we both know what my issue is we are trying to move forward.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Oh, I can sense his pain...although he pushed me away so vehemently and suddenly. I am thinking of texting him simply, saying: "Take all the space you need. I was always here for you and still am." I know I should be direct and literal, maybe I should say something more loving? I think he feels shame. Thank you so much for your input.
     
  11. Streetwise

    Streetwise Active Member

    Messages:
    816
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2016
    Karma:
    +371
    The theory with animals is let them see you then stay still DONT go toward them let them come to you actions speak louder than words
    is there somewhere you both went that was public as in acting like a first date but not exactly
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    PS. I hate pushing myself on people when they need space so I want to make sure I'm not overwhelming him with a barrage of messages. Can't force anything but I want to be clear. He's been so different the past week than the previous 7 months. I also remember all the times he confided in me, saying he was a mess and that he felt so calm with me. Now he's suddenly off, doing god knows what. Maybe he's met someone else. It would almost be easier for me to know that. Even though I don't think it's a solution for hi.
     
  13. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    No, we're 500 miles apart right now.
     
  14. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Also, he said he doesn't "think he wants to continue" and that there's nothing to talk about. He seems done.
     
  15. Streetwise

    Streetwise Active Member

    Messages:
    816
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2016
    Karma:
    +371
    At
    At least he felt some peace it never happens to some people
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  16. rainfall

    rainfall New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    May 26, 2017
    Karma:
    +37
    My ex, who acted the same with me, I could just about guarantee has borderline personality disorder. If you look it up, it is a lot like aspergers in some ways. I've read that a lot of women get diagnosed with bpd as opposed to aspergers for that reason.

    When I met him he was the exact same way and he acts the same toward every woman he's cheated and tried to cheat on me with. The same lines, the whole thing. Coincidentally, he left eight months ago fourteen hours away.

    I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out the best course of action. You seem very intelligent and grounded. (There's no hug emoji, so hugs)
     
  17. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Hi, thank you so much for the support (and the hugs). :) I know about BPD but I think this is different. He didn't ever try to charm me or get into my life. He never displayed jealousy. And I actually had to make all the moves in the beginning, which I enjoyed. He was always very respectful and polite. I never asked him if he was seeing anyone else while we were dating but he says I did, and he'd answered "no". I'm sure I didn't.

    My main concern right now is how to give him space and also let him know I am still here for him. Because even though he's acted awfully to me, I want to end this in a better way. Maybe it will take some time, but I can't stand drama and unresolved conflict.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Bro'Freak

    Bro'Freak Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    459
    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2015
    Karma:
    +870
    I'm sorry to suggest that it is probably over if they pulled away in such a way. I feel your pain & journey as your story reminded me of my self (still reeling a bit from my last relationship). I'd be more than happy to see my ex again but she's adamant it's over & she does live a distance away. So I've had to move on despite my feelings & I don't think I'll ever have such a happiness again, how ever much I lament. It's not easy & the pain is an inverse of the love you've felt. But It helps us learn & love as we find our hearts. I'm sure you'll find the right person.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Strong and kind

    Strong and kind New Member

    Messages:
    21
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +6
    Well, here's an update for all of you have been so kind and supportive to me today. I sent him a message saying I would like to resolve this peacefully and that I'm here for him. He sent me a reply saying please stop sending any messages that doesn't involve dealing with the money he is going to send me for the trip we were supposed to take. I'm crying now, this was the worst and most abrupt ending of any relationship I've ever had. I'm going to take a long hard look at myself and try not to get involved with someone like this again. I deserve love and respect. That's all I ever gave him. Truly. Thanks again, everyone. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.
     
  20. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    257
    Joined:
    May 21, 2017
    Karma:
    +233
    Hi. I think you are right. I do not think anyone could have the answer what he is thinking, and why he had been acting those two different ways. Was it because of fear of commitment? Did he blame you subconsciously for that friend leaving? Was he scared of being rejected once you learned about his AS? Or was he just being himself with AS, with that being the pattern he often is used to doing?

    To answer your questions, I do think it is possible for you to at least talk to him again one day and leave on better terms, by asking him if that could be possible, with no pressure to do more than that as I sense he does not like feeling the pressure of being close right now. Maybe if you leave on a friendlier term, and you say if you want to talk further, please contact me, then he would initiate the next move as time passes as guys often like to chase than be chased.

    I have no doubt you are a great person, with much compassion and wisdom, but personally I do not sense you and him as a long term possibility, as things are now. You see all the great in him, and that is commendable, but he cannot see that in you to the extent you deserve, or at least he cannot show that consistently on the level you need. For the limited times you have known each other and met, he has at least a few times walked out and said he sees things between you and him differently. That is not a good sign.

    A happy long-term relationship needs two to be on the same page, and two to have love for the other. I think you two could be better friends maybe one day, than more than that, as he needs his space, and as he seems unpredictable or not ready for such closer relationships. You have to consider his words, actions, inactions and feelings he is showing to you too. Instead of thinking he would be happy with you, and he needs someone, think that he could be happier on his own and not ready at this time.

    Personally, I do not think one with strong empathy skills would often fit in any long-term loving relationship with someone who would think nothing of giving you the cold shoulder and who would blame you for things, at times when clearly you are not the issue. It could be a one-sided relationship where you show strong love and compassion, but the other side showing disinterest or often trying to break free. He has yet to show any stability in terms of handling any commitment to you.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1