"Too functioning to get diagnosed"

[karhineh]

Not sure if I really need help but support is more than welcome. And I would like to hear if anyone has similar experience to mine.

Long story short I've been dealing with depression and anxiety most of my life because being forced to behave in a certain way, and recently I have sought help. Finding about asperger's and autism spectrum was a turning point for me because I finally found sort of an explanation for myself, and all my struggles with "normal stuff" suddenly made sense.

Such stuff as why I simply can't understand group dynamics and fitting in but only in theory. Why sometimes harsh light physically hurts. Why I get sunken to certain things for hours at a time. Why as a kid I had these uncontrollable meltdowns and shutdowns when things didn't go to according to my routine.



I've always struggled with verbal communication, and because of the threat of not being understood I couldn't bring myself to make contact with any mental health professional. But after years of conversing over the internet with a close friend I've learned to bring my articulation to verbal communication. And after a few unsuccessful attempts to speak out loud without having a meltdown I succeed to explain my situation verbally out loud in a clinic I'm currently treated at.

Back then they said that they can't do any examinations or diagnosis because of my mental health, and back then it was fine. But that's now over year and a half ago, and my situation has gotten a lot better.

My therapist has conducted a lot of tests for attention deficit and autism spectrum, and they all have been more or less inconclusive. We've also talked a lot about my experiences and my point of view. But because I've consciously learned and studied so much about communication and social situations, she sees that I can't be on the spectrum because I communicate so well.

This is unbelievably frustrating. To have used so much time refining my communication to get understood, and then what they see is the tool to communicate and not what I try to say. The other sucky part of this is that I don't see the diagnosing doctor more often then once every two or three months, whereas I see my therapist - who is a psychologist - weekly.

This monday my therapist told how she had called few of my former teachers - with my permission of course - to get a statement from them to support my diagnosis. (This because my relationship with my parents is too shallow for any mental health let alone diagnosis discussion.) What the teachers said was that I was always been little bit off, but they couldn't pinpoint certain characteristics. This is because I've always done my best to hide my "weirdness" from people, and that has brought a lot of stress and anxiety.



And now I've contemplated a lot how me learning to hide my autistic traits might negatively influence me getting access to certain helping services. Of course a certain label doesn't change me or my characteristics. But after growing up feeling utterly lost, weird and outcast, that label would certainly bring so much self-esteem. I need so much validation from outside of myself, that people telling me I can't possibly be something I already identify with affects so much.

I understand that diagnosis isn't end all be all, but it would help so much with my recovery from depression, that is mostly caused by being forced to fit into NT standards. It would also let me join the social groups for aspies run by the clinic (they require a diagnosis), for I have found peer support helpful with my anxiety.

Thank you so much if you spend the time to read all this! I really needed to get this out of my chest and all support is more than welcomed♥

 

[Ronin82]

I'm still fighting this battle too. I show some signs, but for the most part, I can function and even socialize for brief periods of time just fine. I've had to fight hard for my diagnosis, and even now most of my regular team just don't believe the diagnosis (I was independently tested, but haphazardly...I have the diagnosis officially, but no quantifying numbers). My therapist still doesn't always believe it, but when he uses techniques and strategies designed for ASD people, I respond so much better!

Like you I needed the diagnosis to be official as a form of validation. I have that, but still I'm constantly questioned. This is a fight that may never be won, as females tend to present VERY differently than males do, and this has led to serious problems for we who mask the symptoms or learn to cope so well. However, the fact that "fitting in" has to be so cognitively accomplished and not instinctively is what makes our diagnosis so necessary...we need coping mechanisms that work and strategies to not get too burned out. Some of us don't even find out about Asperger's until AFTER the burnout leaves us unable to function at all anymore!

Continue trying, but understand this will be a difficult fight. It's worth it, but it can be extremely frustrating at the same time. Go in armed with checklists and numbers and proof, but understand none of it will be understood by people who are used to working with those who present more classical symptoms. Sucks, but that's the way it is right now...good luck!

 

[WereBear]

This is my boat! I am in it with you!

I was sooooo good at it I got promoted into a job with social requirements that brought my Asperger's to light. I was very careful about choosing a person for diagnosising me, and fortunately I had that freedom. Wound up driving over three hours away and staying in a motel for two nights, but I got the diagnosis.

My evaluator was also the mother of an autistic son, and she was also amazed at how well I presented. But I realize now that I was overclocking my processor to do this. So I did not try to "do well" during the whole day of evaluation.

Perhaps this can help you too. I have been working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, using visualization and meditation, to "turn off" these functions. It can be tricky (like the time I was TOO HONEST to a local business owner ) but during your therapy is a great time to try Turning It Off.

I stop before responding, I am utterly honest, I don't care if the therapist "likes" me or reacts to me the way they "should," so I respond how I would if I had not developed these cognitive skills.

Perhaps people like you and me have to reach their Inner Aspie.