Thoughts of becoming mute

[OnEdge]

Hey all,

Lately i have been considering just going mute.

I think in doing this would solve so many problems, no more dealing with the social niceties, or any social aspects. I do try to be social, especially since my job requires it, but i can never do it right. Meaning i always get complants (within the job), which to me are about pointless things, like not greeting someone made them feel unwelcome even though they are being hypocrites as they didnt greet me either, difference is i really dont care if people greet me or not. I tend to not initiate conversations (which gets me the complaints of 'you never say anything if we dont say something first'), i wait so i can respond in the same manner. For example, someone says hi to me, i say hi back, they say good morning, i say morning back. I even get complaints when i take initiate and say hi to people first, as they then respond in a very judgemental tone because i didnt say it 'properly'.

So my point is no matter what i do, what i say, how i say it, it is never good enough so whats the point in talking at all. Other than work, i dont think it would affect my personal life as i spend most of my free time shut in my room anyway.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter.

 

[tree]

If people complain that failure to greet them is a problem,
I don't understand how resolving to not speak at all would
be a solution.

It's possible you are holding an unreasonable standard for
yourself. Something like "I must always be perfectly
achieving in every thing that I do."

 

[OkRad]

OMG I canot believe you posted this. I have been dealing with this for a year. In fact, I learned ASL so I don'tg have to talk! YES I GET IT!!! I hate to talk and it HAS caused me so much trouble. I was selective mutism when I was young. With a crap load of therapy, they knocked me out of it andit's been hell ever since.

I have been victimized and abused because I learned to talk. I have been harangued into a corner with people trying to tell me I am wrong about my faith, my life, my way of being. Talking has made me seem odder than I am because I felt people cared to hear what I had to say, as my therapists kept saying.

No one wants to hear the sob stories and world views of someone who is weird and odd.

I have made an effort NEVER to talk in public now . I do a good job of it. If there is a crucial needs, I dread it. I have had to, but sometimes I just write it down.

At some point I WILL stop. THe only hting holding me back is that I like people and do NOT want to hurt anyone. I do NOT want them to think I am manipulating them or ignoring them. My uncle is a support and he says I should NOT worry what they think. They are NOT myfriends and he is correct. But I still feel terrible, like I am hurting people.

I DO talk around family. So I am not hurting anuyone I love or who loves me. So my uncle is right. Those people would hardly care if I died. One of those "Oh? What's for lunch?" scenerios. Maybe one or two peoplemight be like, "Wow, that's sad....NOW what's for lunch?"

So I am trying and working on it.

Please keep intouch with me . I am dedicated to it. Maybe we can support one another?????

 

[Judge]

Interesting post. I suppose I'd need to understand further is in what context if any the OP is referring to. Is this primarily about work, or other scenarios where the people you mentioned are not complete strangers? And if they object to your initiating such a greeting, what is it specifically that the other persons are objecting to?

I can be quite non-verbal at times over much of any truly casual and unnecessary social interaction with no perceivable consequences. Especially if it involves a complete stranger. OK, I'm autistic. My bad.

Admittedly it's a different matter if I actually know the person. Whether at work or not, I tend to be more observant and compliant about what amount to NT social behaviors and expectations. It just depends on the circumstances.

One thing I will say about becoming self aware of being on the spectrum. In as much as I can identify many of my shortcomings relative to social interactions with NTs, I'm also becoming a bit more selective about when and where to be compliant over such things. In essence, if you are a complete stranger to me and I perceive communicating with you to have little or no value, don't expect me to verbally respond to you. Period.

Then again maybe this more indicative of old age than autism. I'm not sure.

 

[Mia]

Towards the end of my 'working outside the home', life. Did often become annoyed with the daily knee jerk reaction to smile, say hello, say goodbye, that I'd been trained to do. In the workplace, often, instead of speaking I would walk by and wave in greeting. I did this quite a bit in the two years before I retired. Making the OK signal with my fingers, or the thumbs up gave me relief in not having to speak as I walked away. Eventually I began to not care what was said, or who said it.

My spouse was the same with his work related evaluations, he would nod in agreement, and then continue on in the same manner as he had in the past. He realized that he wouldn't lose his job because he didn't mingle or act the way people wanted him to according to social convention, it was his work that mattered, not his social skills.

 

[toothless]

hi onedge, i was non verbal [not mutism] until my late twenties and when i became verbal i have been put through hell, communication is actual hell for me,it overloads me incredibly and you can hear my speech decine and often disapear if im talking to you.

i think mutism is good in some respects for autists because of the overload many of us suffer from speaking,NTs dont understand this aspect of autism,they think when you become verbal its halleluyah and thank god almighty, they dont realise the strain and impairment speaking can give an autist, being verbal doesnt mean you cant have trouble speaking.

i recommend trying SOME mutism out, use an AAC app [such as text to speech] on your phone or tablet,i use these on my tablet, i have a mobile phone for texting my family and AAC apps but because im expected to communicate with it i get stressed and leave it dead and its ran out of its contract thing.

you will get more done if your not speaking, i know you will if your anything like me.
yes i know mutism is a taboo subject as NTs dont understand why we would choose to be like this,and in fact i imagine some people who have non verbal kids may look at you in a negative way but again its because they dont understand just how difficult speaking for an autist is.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I remember the hell it was for me when I was young and I couldn't speak. Asking for things was hard work and vocalising your thoughts to people was incredibly hard. I used to sit under the dinner table for ages, angry and crying because people couldn't understand what I was trying to say. I get that people don't understand and their words can be venomous but not being able to speak is a terrible thing to wish for and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[Nemo]

I hate speaking because it seems no-one can hear me right on the first try, and constantly repeating something that was just a throwaway comment drains me immensely. I considered mutism when I was younger, but I knew my parents would hit/punish me if I did.

 

[nowwhat]

Many people would be overjoyed if I became mute. At times, I think talking is a sort of stim for me. When I am stressed, I almost have to talk, even if working alone, I monologue about what I am doing and how.

 

[Accelerator]

Starting conversations unrelated to things I obsess about is also pretty hard for me, and admittedly a normal day has me saying very little if I could afford it. See how I go about it is with a lot of nonverbal stuff, like a really exaggerated wave to people, far or near(admittedly I really like doing that, so it stuck). If I'm not sure I know a person and they seem to be expecting something from me, maybe a nod and a little grunt or whatever noise (really placates a lotta' people, like the people I knew but can't remember anymore, complete strangers as far as I can remember, people I didn't like, people who didn't like me). It lalso works goodbyes, at least, in my experience. Then there's for the yes and no stuff, just a nod or a shake with a little noise to show.you acknowledge them. Gotta' warn ya', it may not work if you're bad at showing your emotions though movements or facial expressions; the whole point is that your facial expressions and actions speak for you (admittedly all this combined with how I usually react to things makes me look a lot like an unusually expressive Dragon; you could base a new pokemon or animal on me and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference, it's a pretty hilarious realization for me).

Anyway, becoming mute may worsen the problem if people already know you can talk from past interactions (if your family is understanding then that may not be much of a problem; the real trouble would be in strangers or friends letting the fact out, accidental or otherwise), as they might think it's for some stupid reason or another, like you just being an arrogant prick or whatever (that usually tends to sour interactions). Provided your family and friends are A-OK with that sort'a thing, and aren't likely to spill the beans, as well as able to explain the situation to people who interact with you or see you interact, then it'd probably work fine. If not, then you'll need a way to interact with people that leaves a little to open interpretation as possible, or just say "well that's how I do it," and if they object then say something like "well at least my what's original," or something like that, dunno. Biggest thing, for me at least, is as much as possible, not care a single bit about what society thinks.

All this might not work for you, but I hope you find something useful from this.

Edit: Accidentally posted before I could finish; bloody phone. Also, had to add this edit thing.

 

[zeroninja]

Hey all,

Lately i have been considering just going mute.

I think in doing this would solve so many problems, no more dealing with the social niceties, or any social aspects. I do try to be social, especially since my job requires it, but i can never do it right. Meaning i always get complants (within the job), which to me are about pointless things, like not greeting someone made them feel unwelcome even though they are being hypocrites as they didnt greet me either, difference is i really dont care if people greet me or not. I tend to not initiate conversations (which gets me the complaints of 'you never say anything if we dont say something first'), i wait so i can respond in the same manner. For example, someone says hi to me, i say hi back, they say good morning, i say morning back. I even get complaints when i take initiate and say hi to people first, as they then respond in a very judgemental tone because i didnt say it 'properly'.

So my point is no matter what i do, what i say, how i say it, it is never good enough so whats the point in talking at all. Other than work, i dont think it would affect my personal life as i spend most of my free time shut in my room anyway.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter.

I've been considering this since last year, funny that you brought that up...

 

[OnEdge]

Judge - To clarify, most of the problems are solely from work, as i dont leave the house often enough to have problems with the public. Sometimes my family comments about it as well but since i have been like this my entire life i think they have just grown to accept it. The people that do complain, its either about the way i say it, like very plain with no emotion behind it. Or maybe in the morning i say hello, which i then get the response of 'good morning' in that drawn out judgemental tone. ( Even if the morning before all they said was hello as well)

Tree - I understand that by going mute it won't necessarily stop the people from complaning, but if im getting complaints whether im social or not, why not do what im more comfortable with?

Toothless - I agree that i would get more done. Without the worry and stress of knowing that i will have to be social and all the expectations behind it, i could free up my mind for things that need to be done.

Thanks for all the comments, i have a lot to think about now.

Sidenote - Most of my problems stem from my workplace, but at this moment quitting is not an option. I am only 23 and have easily worked more than 15 jobs and i only started working at the age of 17. I cannot sit through another interview process. So i need to keep this job, as toxic as it is, until i have saved up enough to leave it. Also, its the adults at my workplace that i dont like, the job itself i enjoy.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh wow, I have had this all my life, to deal with and OFTEN I have thought: ok, I will just shut up and never speak again and then, no one can say I am saying something wrong. But I am so socially conscious in that I hate to offend, that it is only now, actually, that I begin to be super cool face to face, because I think: if I am not important to talk to, then so beit, I cannot actually be bothered to talk to you!

What it has done is fear of talking, because I am never quite sure if what I am saying is supposed to be said and when I do venture to say something, I am expecting to hear: you shouldn't have said that!

I always say that humans spoil things. I know that I am human too, but it does seem that most people really do not bother to think deeply and so, I think: I would be better on with no one around.

 

[toothless]

I remember the hell it was for me when I was young and I couldn't speak. Asking for things was hard work and vocalising your thoughts to people was incredibly hard. I used to sit under the dinner table for ages, angry and crying because people couldn't understand what I was trying to say. I get that people don't understand and their words can be venomous but not being able to speak is a terrible thing to wish for and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

southern discomfort,i guess it depends on how deep you are in the rabbit hole [your autism world,a reference to disneys original alice and wonderland,or was it the matrix? my mind is confused] as to how you think about communication.
for me,i was so deep in my world that i had no awareness of other people as a seperate being,yes i saw seperate fleshy generic shapes [people all look the same to me unless i concentrate on what they are wearing or their hair style]but i couldnt and still cant to a degree-see people as seperate beings mentally,i think people automatically know what i think so i have no reason to communicate.

when i did communicate as an older teen/young adult non verbal autist i used PECS,AAC and makaton, i always managed to make my voice heard, as a youngster i would just get what i want or not get it at all and often meltdown thinking people were ignoring me but i hadnt actually communicated anything to them in the first place.

i didnt feel stressed by not being able to talk,i had no understanding of other people to be able to think 'this person can give me things' 'that person can take me somewhere' etc.

hope my waffling doesnt confuse you, ive got two support staff yapping on and off in the background confusing me.

 

[Gritches]

I've thought about doing this. When I was selectively mute I would fake sign language at people who were yelling at me to talk, just to get them to **** off. It usually worked; I've thought about employing it again, but the problem is that I rarely talk to anyone who doesn't know that I can talk.

An alternative I've though of is remaining silent as a form of protest. I can never say the right thing, so I'll say nothing at all. That would be kinda fun, especially if you could get other Aspies to do it with you and try to get some publicity; raise real awareness for real the issues we face at a grassroots level. It's something at least.

 

[Peacelily76]

I have known a non-verbal man and he was cool.
I remember once unknowingly putting him under pressure by passing him an Indian takeaway menu and asking him what he wanted. It was too much choice, he shrugged his shoulders and couldn't choose. So I chose Chicken Jalfrezi for him, hoping that would be okay.
God love him!
But....if you asked him about cars or machinery, you couldn't stop him talking! He was incredible!!! I really liked him.
So, I can see how certain situations are really challenging. What we need to do is keep on educating the NT population that verbal communication is not the only form of communication.
I'm loving how eloquently everyone writes on here, proving that wriiten communication is much more optimal. If we could replace mundane Hellos and How are yous with signage, I think this would be innovative and stop situations where good people feel set up to fail.
There are plenty of other talents I am sure you have and you need to be congratulated on your strengths.
I hope this helps you a bit

 

[OnEdge]

Due to all of the comments and different opinions that i have received, i think i have decided how to go about this.

Work - be as social as i can manage, without overdoing it as that would burn me out too fast. If i get complaints then so be it, im trying my best. Im not going to change who i am just so i can 'fit in'.

Family - if they initiate the conversation first then i will contribute to it, otherwise i will be silent. I usually dont have much to say that would affect them anyway.

Public - if someone greets me then i will just wave back, which is something i will need to practise. If i get the question of "how are you", or any variation of that, they will receive a one word answer.

Eventually i will learn sign language as well, and potentally move to where noone knows me. That way i can be completely silent from the start and noone will think anything of it.