this is probably the last 'couple' post... so help me understand please...

[ladybug]

ok, so with everything thats happened, my bf has now said the 'relationship' is not working for him any more, but wants us to stay as close friends...

i know he's struggled with my family's acceptance and his own rigidity... but i honestly believeve he's throwing away a relationship that could be really great... because hes stressed (due to his sis inlaw at his house)... hes tired because she wants to talk and discuss her split with his brother..... and his brother (now single) takes up a lot of his spare time..... his work is now exploding (super busy)

can you guys please help me make any kind of sense of this....??
I would really appreciate some guidance....

 

[Judge]

I'm sure most of us can make sense out of what may be bothering him the most. Too much unrelated stress can hamper or kill most any relationship from my perspective.

Where it may not be about you much at all. And equally there may be little or nothing that you yourself can do about it.

The "ball is in his corner". Just understand that in our world time may be very different from your perspective in terms of how long he takes to come out of this sort of "fog". And that a love life may not be a priority for him as it is for you.

Keeping in mind that "patience is a virtue". As long as you aren't wearing a watch.

 

[ladybug]

I'm sure most of us can make sense out of what may be bothering him the most. Too much unrelated stress can hamper or kill most any relationship from my perspective.

Where it may not be about you much at all. And equally there may be little or nothing that you yourself can do about it.

The "ball" is in his corner. Just understand that in our world time may be very different from your perspective in terms of how long he takes to come out of this sort of "fog". And that a love life may not be a priority for him as it is for you.

Keeping in mind that "patience is a virtue". As long as you aren't wearing a watch.

Thanks for your reply.... I'm trying to make sense... and feel I've put no pressure on him.... giving him time, support and space with regards to all the other pressures he has....
But to be told that the relationship 'thing it's not working for me' is without any expression of why.... is harsh...
He wants to meet (as friends) to have a coffee tomorrow..... and I don't know what to do/ say, apart from I'm gutted and so very sad that he's disposed of us....

 

[Aspie_rin]

If he doesn't want to be with you anymore, there isn't much you can do about it... Also, if you feel uncomfortable being just friends with him, maybe it's time you just give up. Maybe he will want to be with you again once things calm down, but then again this will probably start all over again every time he's overloaded, and I don't think that'd be right for anyone. I know this is harsh and probably not what you want to hear, but this is what I think

And from what I've got you've done everything right, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes things will not go your way no matter what you do.

 

[Judge]

Thanks for your reply.... I'm trying to make sense... and feel I've put no pressure on him.... giving him time, support and space with regards to all the other pressures he has....
But to be told that the relationship 'thing it's not working for me' is without any expression of why.... is harsh...
He wants to meet (as friends) to have a coffee tomorrow..... and I don't know what to do/ say, apart from I'm gutted and so very sad that he's disposed of us....

The real thing that may or may not come out over time is whether or not he truly has "disposed" of the relationship or simply "put it into mothballs".

But at this time personally I wouldn't meet with him. Leave him alone in his own space rather than press an issue that can't be pressed. Though you still owe it to yourself as to whether or not you're willing to be this patient when so many would have moved on.

In my own case the possibility of stress interfering with my personal relationships never really abated. It will always be there. The only thing I have to combat this from sabotaging my own life is my own hindsight. Knowing not to be so "harsh" as you put it whenever I encounter such stress levels. I too was once that "harsh", and some thirty years later it's my greatest regret. But that's me. I count vouch for him to such a degree.

 

[ladybug]

The real thing that may or may not come out over time is whether or not he truly has "disposed" of the relationship or simply "put it into mothballs".

But at this time personally I wouldn't meet with him. Leave him alone in his own space rather than press an issue that can't be pressed. Though you still owe it to yourself as to whether or not you're willing to be this patient when so many would have moved on.

I just don't know...
All the information from him has been via text.... part of me wants to see him personally too (he's the one who suggested we meet-as friends)....
I want to let him know that I'm disappointed ..... that I think we could've had a great relationship..... but feel he's giving up....

 

[ladybug]

If he doesn't want to be with you anymore, there isn't much you can do about it... Also, if you feel uncomfortable being just friends with him, maybe it's time you just give up. Maybe he will want to be with you again once things calm down, but then again this will probably start all over again every time he's overloaded, and I don't think that'd be right for anyone. I know this is harsh and probably not what you want to hear, but this is what I think

And from what I've got you've done everything right, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes things will not go your way no matter what you do.

We had a very loving and easy relationship..... he told me this loads... that he'd never met anyone who 'ticked so many boxes for him' he'd never expected to find someone like me....
So it's difficult to wipe all that out... with no fight or argument or falling out... I just am so shocked that it looks like the end...

 

[Judge]

So it's difficult to wipe all that out... with no fight or argument or falling out... I just am so shocked that it looks like the end...

It may be quite easy for him, based on the possibility that it really may have little or even nothing to do with you. That he simply doesn't have the emotional resources at this time to maintain a relationship that seems otherwise healthy to both you and to him.

Which may well explain why he's still willing to have you in his social orbit as a friend.

Of course if this is true, then the door may be in fact open to resuming the relationship in the future sometime. But how or when cannot be answered at the moment. And forcing the issue may kill such a possibility.

Not at all pleasant for you, but there you have it from my perspective.

 

[ladybug]

It may be quite easy for him, based on the possibility that it really may have little or even nothing to do with you. That he simply doesn't have the emotional resources at this time to maintain a relationship that seems otherwise healthy to both you and to him.

Which may well explain why he's still willing to have you in his social orbit as a friend.

Of course if this is true, then the door may be in fact open to resuming the relationship in the future sometime. But how or when cannot be answered at the moment. And forcing the issue may kill such a possibility.

Not at all pleasant for you, but there you have it from my perspective.

Thanks.... but I'm not sure now what to say to him ... do I ask him to help me understand...? Do I ask why..? Do I just accept that his feelings to me have changed- have they? .... or can't he cope with everything that he's to deal with...? Do I offer help...? How can I help him..?

 

[Ocarina]

Thanks.... but I'm not sure now what to say to him ... do I ask him to help me understand...? Do I ask why..? Do I just accept that his feelings to me have changed- have they? .... or can't he cope with everything that he's to deal with...? Do I offer help...? How can I help him..?

Perhaps the most important thing for you is to understand that at this point in time you have to accept where things are - and deal with your own grief and hurt rather than trying to fix his. Maybe asking him what he needs from you would be appropriate but anything more than this may well be yet another stress on an already overloaded mind.

I think it might also be worth considering yourself and how you feel about all that has happened. It's understandably very difficult at the moment, but you seem to be living in the realms of possibilities ie it could be a great relationship, if only.... rather than realism which seems to point to the fact that when he's overloaded this man will withdraw from you and your relationship. Is that what you want going forward? If you're facing illness, trauma - all the things that life will inevitably throw your way at some point or another, do you want a partner who will really be there for you? If you do - is he that person, is he going to be able to hang in there when the going gets really tough?

 

[ladybug]

Thanks.... your points are very valid... yes I'm upset and terribly sad... I am in love with this man, and believed he loved me too.... I find it difficult to understand what's happened.... and need to understand how all the care, love and relationship has just disappeared......

 

[Ocarina]

Thanks.... your points are very valid... yes I'm upset and terribly sad... I am in love with this man, and believed he loved me too.... I find it difficult to understand what's happened.... and need to understand how all the care, love and relationship has just disappeared......

Sorry Ladybug - this must all be really difficult, sometimes understanding and love aren't enough.
I don't think this is about you so please please don't take it personally and above all be kind to yourself.

 

[Judge]

Thanks.... but I'm not sure now what to say to him ... do I ask him to help me understand...? Do I ask why..? Do I just accept that his feelings to me have changed- have they? .... or can't he cope with everything that he's to deal with...? Do I offer help...? How can I help him..?

I don't think there's anything for you to say. Nothing for you to do. All you can do is either move on or wait to see what happens. It's on him as to whether he gets back on an even keel and resumes his previous relationship with you. With no guarantees.

 

[ladybug]

I don't think there's anything for you to say. Nothing for you to do. All you can do is either move on or wait to see what happens. It's on him as to whether he gets back on an even keel and resumes his previous relationship with you. With no guarantees.

Yes I think you are right..... I can't make him feel or want to resume us....
I'm just very sad.... it's the not knowing what went wrong..... me/ us or his situation....?

 

[Judge]

Yes I think you are right..... I can't make him feel or want to resume us....
I'm just very sad.... it's the not knowing what went wrong..... me/ us or his situation....?

Once again. From my perspective most likely he's experiencing a social overload elsewhere for which completely disrupts his ability to focus on what is likely his most complex social interaction- you. Yes- your relationship with him is a challenge. Though what is negatively impacting it is likely not your fault.

It's not fair, but it's just how it is in our world.

IMO one of the major challenges for Neurotypicals is to master a way not to take certain behaviors of ours personally. An intimate, emotional and physical relationship with another human being can be very difficult for some on the spectrum of autism. Which may often require a very, very sensitive "balance" of concerns and issues which at times may be beyond their control. I can tell you firsthand that it doesn't take much to completely disrupt such relationships. Sometimes it just happens.

 

[ladybug]

Once again. From my perspective most likely he's experiencing a social overload elsewhere for which completely disrupts his ability to focus on what is likely his most complex social interaction- you. Yes- your relationship with him is a challenge. Though what is negatively impacting it is likely not your fault.

It's not fair, but it's just how it is in our world.

IMO one of the major challenges for Neurotypicals is to master a way not to take certain behaviors of ours personally. An intimate, emotional and physical relationship with another human being can be very difficult for some on the spectrum of autism. Which may often require a very, very sensitive "balance" of concerns and issues which at times may be beyond their control. I can tell you firsthand that it doesn't take much to completely disrupt such relationships. Sometimes it just happens.

ok.... i met with him today.... the whole thing is this.... he doesn't want to meet my brothers who have treated me badly (his ex put him through a similar situation and he kept on in that relationship....and he 'wasted years' -his words)- I am NOT asking him to meet them, i understand that it would not work (I've asked him to have a bit of trust in me, that i wouldn't ask him to meet them- as it would be pointless- we agree on this)......
he has told me ALL that he has to deal with... and between his brother and sis in law and their divorce -and potential non adoption of their child(he has to get them back to India to reverse the paperwork)... his other brother wanting to get their mum declared unfit to live on her own..... the workers in his business screwing up with legal details.... his maintenance guy threatening to walk off a job..... His sis in law living in his house and not cleaning/tidying up/doing any housework of hers, so the house is 'a complete mess and she hasn't lifted a finger to do anything...'
I've asked him to trust that I will deal with my family....
He agreed that when he gets bogged down it all just goes around and around in his head and he gets frustrated as it doesn't get sorted, so he just withdraws... i said , yes but you are withdrawing from me... you can trust me with the stuff/situations/problems that you have.... thats what being in a relationship is- you trust your partner.....
apparently after letting him talk and explain how i see things and feel....
we are 'still a couple' and not 'just friends'...!!
What now....?

 

[Rich Gray]

Figure out the rules and perimeters, perhaps write them down.

[1.0] Family Interactions
- No brothers

[2.0] Friend Interactions
- Do not lend money to X.

[3.0] Co-worker/employee interactions
- Do not tell these people about Y's rubber ducky collection.

[4.0] Stress coping behaviors
- What you can do to lesson his stress
- What he can do to lesson your stress

[5.0] Communication
- What the best ways to communicate thoughts and ideas

[6.0] Define your relationship parameters
- How is money handled
- How is the workload split
- What are primary areas of expertise
- What are primary areas of ineptitude
- Who should cover what areas

[7.0] Take some couple / marriage tests to see what they have as areas one should collect data on and/or discuss.
- Some random one below
- File off the serial numbers
- http://www.nathancobb.com/support-files/marriagequiz.pdf

-----

I am apparently a planning and contingency-planning nut-job. If I had roommates, then I would likely have something similar to Big Bang Theory roommate agreement that Sheldon and Leonard agreed on.

Getting married my wife and I took some such marriage test. We covered all these areas while dating, well before we took the test. Evidently no one does this. The pastor had suspicions that we cheated on our tests. Then again, as mentioned above, I am apparently a planning and contingency-planning nut-job.

Time and effort are resources, so one may as well manage them. I certainly would prefer my wife to head up small talk, and she would prefer me to figure out computers. I am rather bad at small talk*, she is rather bad with computers, one covers areas that the other is lacking in competence, and we both win.

*Polite non-sociological, non-political, non-religious, non-investing, and non-money talk. Likely role playing game talk is also off the table. I do well with nerds and geeks . . . and those that like to talk about the things I think are fun.

 

[ladybug]

Figure out the rules and perimeters, perhaps write them down.

[1.0] Family Interactions
- No brothers

[2.0] Friend Interactions
- Do not lend money to X.

[3.0] Co-worker/employee interactions
- Do not tell these people about Y's rubber ducky collection.

[4.0] Stress coping behaviors
- What you can do to lesson his stress
- What he can do to lesson your stress

[5.0] Communication
- What the best ways to communicate thoughts and ideas

[6.0] Define your relationship parameters
- How is money handled
- How is the workload split
- What are primary areas of expertise
- What are primary areas of ineptitude
- Who should cover what areas

[7.0] Take some couple / marriage tests to see what they have as areas one should collect data on and/or discuss.
- Some random one below
- File off the serial numbers
- http://www.nathancobb.com/support-files/marriagequiz.pdf

-----

I am apparently a planning and contingency-planning nut-job. If I had roommates, then I would likely have something similar to Big Bang Theory roommate agreement that Sheldon and Leonard agreed on.

Getting married my wife and I took some such marriage test. We covered all these areas while dating, well before we took the test. Evidently no one does this. The pastor had suspicions that we cheated on our tests. Then again, as mentioned above, I am apparently a planning and contingency-planning nut-job.

Time and effort are resources, so one may as well manage them. I certainly would prefer my wife to head up small talk, and she would prefer me to figure out computers. I am rather bad at small talk*, she is rather bad with computers, one covers areas that the other is lacking in competence, and we both win.

*Polite non-sociological, non-political, non-religious, non-investing, and non-money talk. Likely role playing game talk is also off the table. I do well with nerds and geeks . . . and those that like to talk about the things I think are fun.

I actually really like the idea of the 'rules' you've highlighted....and think its worth bringing up with him the next time.... do you think it seems 'odd' (odd from an NT point if view) that when i brought up the 'text' he'd sent saying that the 'relationship wasn't working for him so lets be friends'..... he didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge he'd sent it.....?? was it a 'knee-jerk' reaction to being overwhelmed.....?

 

[Rich Gray]

Ask him if being a couple or being friends is an on/off switch or a dial. Perhaps he wanted to dial it down away from marriage a notch? Would getting married include your brothers? If so, then perhaps he wanted to turn it down a notch in order to avoid that encounter.

 

[ladybug]

Ask him if being a couple or being friends is an on/off switch or a dial. Perhaps he wanted to dial it down away from marriage a notch? Would getting married include your brothers? If so, then perhaps he wanted to turn it down a notch in order to avoid that encounter.

well, we've been together 10 months, but today he mentioned (in a few years when we get invited over for dinner to your brothers,and i have to go... it won't end well because i will have to tell them what i think.... and that will happen before the soup gets served...) i said.... i wouldn't ask you or us to go into a situation that you are not happy with.... so you need to let me deal with my family.....and trust me, with our relationship.....
i think that in his previous relationship the 'wasted years' trying to make it work is on his mind....
he needs to trust that i'm not going to make him go or do anything.....
if you've read the full thread.... do you think he was 'overloaded' and it was a 'knee-jerk' reaction....? (i know this may be difficult as you don't know us)