Things people with Aspergers need to be told

[Bennyandthejets]

Let me explain. I was diagnosed while i was still a toddler, so for most of my life my mother has made it her goal to teach how to be affectionate and helped me understand social norms and what not that NT's intuitively know and understand. She's really been of great help and people rarely notice there is something different about me. But, even with all her help I still have moments where i don't know how to react or act. I spend a lot of time on the internet trying to learn more about how to interact with people and have had a lot of epiphanies that helped me understand things better and be overall better at interacting with people.

Now my question is, what are some things that you've found out or been told about social interaction that you wished you would have known sooner?

 

[JoyChaos]

That its seen as rude to turn down offers to hangout

 

[Mia]

One of the things I've noticed with my spouse is he rarely says thank you. Something I do. He'll often expect people to do things for him and then walk away without acknowledgement.

 

[Gritches]

I wish someone had told me that the nature of effective social interaction was contrary to everything that felt right to me. That the logic in it wasn't in utility or practicality, but rather that it's a logical system based around emotions I can't feel, non-verbal cues I won't pick up, and subtext I can't read. How are you supposed to know to look for something you can't see, feel, or measure? It was a realistic picture of where things really stand that let me start tackling the problem proper. Knowing this from a younger age than I learned it would've helped more than various forms of "act normal or pay the price".

 

[FreeDiver]

emotions I can't feel, non-verbal cues I won't pick up, and subtext I can't read. How are you supposed to know to look for something you can't see, feel, or measure?

And to make matters worse. How can you comprehend any of this to know what it truly is. It's like trying to teach a person that been blind from birth what light and color is.

 

[Gritches]

Right on, @FreeDiver

Also, on a lighter note, I wished someone would've told me that if your host puts out a couple bottles of fancy wine that it's polite to have a glass or two but it's apparently considered rude to drink both bottles. I mean, what's the point of drinking a bitter, sour liquid if you're not going to get drunk? Might as well just drink Kool-Aid mixed with drain cleaner, same experience.

 

[Streetwise]

Just wish someone taught me how to converse with children of different ages they are alien to me or if i touch a living creature how much is too much humans included or how to compose a sentence that still irks me specifically where to place commas remembering capital letters or focusing so much i burn food again!!!!!!!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I had around zero social skills for the overwhelming majority of my life. I'm unable to read between the lines and tend to understand things literally. Takes me several tries to understand most jokes. I tend to interrupt people without being aware. When someone asks me a question I tend to go into great detail, and when someone asks me a question with the word "why" I just go into panic thinking that they're confronting me - and in those cases I start beating around the bush and veering off topic in a very monotone...tone. I constantly think that people are upset with me and therefore tend to not look them in the eye quite a lot. I also tend to ramble a lot, sometimes about random topics. In many cases, it involves cycling over the same topics again and again and again. I'm extremely stubborn and that makes people mad. I hate making people mad. I'm a really nice guy overall but I've never been proud of myself, not in the very least.

There are some things I've improved on, just a few. I seem to be better at understanding body language. When I was in college I was unable to do that - but now it seems like I'm magically better at knowing when my boss or coworkers are upset with me, annoyed with me, or happy with me/proud of me. I understand "annoyed grimaces" now, and seem to be better at shutting up whenever someone responds with "hmmmm" and "OK". I'm also keeping in mind to pay attention to when someone looks away or looks at their watch when I ramble. I also seem to be better at tact and thinking before saying something rude or impolite; it used to be really bad in college and made me come off as a jerk. My social skills are still terrible, but I wouldn't say they're zero now. Having been surrounded by NT's at work who are civil to me and want me to do better...well, that is exactly what got me to improve even if it's just a little.

Compare this with college where I learned absolutely nothing (well, except for the actual material I was studying). I think my classmates there should have been more accommodating, and many of them did not treat me in a civilized manner. Treating me like I was a jerk did not help one bit - and the way I acted made me seem like the king of jerks, but it wasn't intentional, not in the very least. I'm still blaming myself for my social nadir but for the record those classmates should have treated me like my boss/coworkers do - and even they get driven up the wall crazy by me at times. But they treat me in a civil manner, not like an animal at the zoo.

So basically being at work in good company helped me improve a little. It's a long, long road ahead still and I'm not even close to being close to having achieved my ultimate goal. I'm still seeing all NT's as having some kind of "magical quality". I'm also happy to say that I managed to make some friends who know that my social skills are terrible but choose to remain friends with me in any case, and that makes me paranoid about repeating my sins with them just like I've done with my former classmates. There are so many social scenarios left for me out there to explore and possibly fail at, and that scares me. The only thing that temporarily raises my self-esteem is a compliment like "good job", etc.

 

[SusanLR]

And to make matters worse. How can you comprehend any of this to know what it truly is. It's like trying to teach a person that been blind from birth what light and color is.

That's how I feel, FreeDiver.
I've lived my life the consumate actor.
But, if you don't have the experience of the emotion that goes along with the act, then what does that do for you?
If I talk with someone about things like what it feels to want to have children, marriage, socialise and other NT desires, but, I've never felt them, I don't know of anything someone could have told me earlier in life that could make me relate. Manners can be taught, but, certain things society seems to expect like the saying Thank You, answering How are you today with a big smile and a " doing great and yourself?" When you don't feel it. Saying you're sorry when you aren't. Things like that. If those feelings never developed then it's just like putting on a mask and hoping for the best.
As you may have guessed I have a very low EQ.
Either you feel it or you don't and it can't be taught.

 

[Bella Pines]

Looking at people when they are talking and making acknowledging noises to pretend I am listening.

 

[xudo]

Just wish someone taught me how to converse with children of different ages they are alien to me

This resonates with me so much. I've never been able to talk to children. Under the age at which they can speak in an understandable way, I've got nothing. I feel abject horror if I'm sat in a waiting room and a toddler is running about, in case it comes over to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not even that great with our niece and nephew. She'll be 8 this month, and he's 9 next month. They've both always preferred @VenomousAlbino, and I think this is because they can see I'm not all that great conversing with them either. I tend to come across sounding monotone and uninterested when I try to talk with them, because I don't know what to say, or how.

When someone asks me a question I tend to go into great detail

I do this. I'll also tell people what I think is an interesting fact related to something they've said or mentioned, and apparently that's not normal.

 

[Streetwise]

This resonates with me so much. I've never been able to talk to children. Under the age at which they can speak in an understandable way, I've got nothing. I feel abject horror if I'm sat in a waiting room and a toddler is running about, in case it comes over to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not even that great with our niece and nephew. She'll be 8 this month, and he's 9 next month. They've both always preferred @VenomousAlbino, and I think this is because they can see I'm not all that great conversing with them either. I tend to come across sounding monotone and uninterested when I try to talk with them, because I don't know what to say, or how.



I do this. I'll also tell people what I think is an interesting fact related to something they've said or mentioned, and apparently that's not normal.

DONT know why but IVE always been to fearful (think its inherited) to show too many asperger traits

 

[Momo]

That pulling away from physical contact (hugs and so on) is considered rude.

 

[Sabrina]

That you can have mix feelings about a PERSON. You can hate AND love your partner, for example, because those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I just read that statement a couple of days ago in a book (about being emotionally immature), and I thought "Why didn't anybody tell me this before?! I almost got separated from my husband (also an aspie) a few weeks ago, and I felt so much pain, first, because I had realized "I didn't love him" (explanation: I didn't love him, for the first time ever, in our 18 years together, because I was super mad at him).
So it dawn on me: "Oh! So I can hate him (or have any other negative feelings towards him) AND love him at the same time. Really?! WOW".

So the revelations in my head kept coming: "So when he said that he loathed me (his exact words), it was true , but not the ONLY truth. He also loves me. WOW" .

So the next day (it's been like a month since we said to each other those things, and now we are in good terms), I asked him: "Do you know that you can have mixed feelings about someone?" "No", "Me neither. But you can. Which means that you can loath me and love me at the same time, and that I can hate you and love you at the same time. And that's OK".

Well, honestly guys, I feel like I've won a Nobel Prize with my discovery . This is a game changer in my marriage.

 

[FreeDiver]

That you can have mix feelings about a PERSON. You can hate AND love your partner, for example, because those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I just read that statement a couple of days ago in a book (about being emotionally immature), and I thought "Why didn't anybody tell me this before?! I almost got separated from my husband (also an aspie) a few weeks ago, and I felt so much pain, first, because I had realized "I didn't love him" (explanation: I didn't love him, for the first time ever, in our 18 years together, because I was super mad at him).
So it dawn on me: "Oh! So I can hate him (or have any other negative feelings towards him) AND love him at the same time. Really?! WOW".

So the revelations in my head kept coming: "So when he said that he loathed me (his exact words), it was true , but not the ONLY truth. He also loves me. WOW" .

So the next day (it's been like a month since we said to each other those things, and now we are in good terms), I asked him: "Do you know that you can have mixed feelings about someone?" "No", "Me neither. But you can. Which means that you can loath me and love me at the same time, and that I can hate you and love you at the same time. And that's OK".

Well, honestly guys, I feel like I've won a Nobel Prize with my discovery . This is a game changer in my marriage.

That leaves another important question. Why are you married anyways? Do you do it for the same reason that NT do? Do you feel the need to do it because that what people in (NT)society do? Are you really doing it out of love? Think about this good and hard because I don't think that you are doing it for the same reason NT's do.

 

[Mia]

I just read that statement a couple of days ago in a book (about being emotionally immature), and I thought "Why didn't anybody tell me this before?! I almost got separated from my husband (also an aspie) a few weeks ago, and I felt so much pain, first, because I had realized "I didn't love him" (explanation: I didn't love him, for the first time ever, in our 18 years together, because I was super mad at him).
So it dawn on me: "Oh! So I can hate him (or have any other negative feelings towards him) AND love him at the same time. Really?! WOW".

This is an amazing statement, and its true. Thank you for teaching me something I've never considered ever after so many years of marriage.

 

[Judge]

That you can have mix feelings about a PERSON.

"Do you know that you can have mixed feelings about someone?" "No", "Me neither. But you can. Which means that you can loath me and love me at the same time, and that I can hate you and love you at the same time. And that's OK".

IMO it's a major tenet of ASD. And a very frustrating one at that. To love and loathe people individually as well as collectively, and in the same frame of time.

Something somewhere between difficult and impossible to explain to many.

 

[Mary Terry]

That leaves another important question. Why are you married anyways? Do you do it for the same reason that NT do? Do you feel the need to do it because that what people in (NT)society do? Are you really doing it out of love? Think about this good and hard because I don't think that you are doing it for the same reason NT's do.

I hope Sabrina is married for the same reasons as everyone else, and especially NTs - a fundamental desire to love and be loved. When children are involved, societies generally favor formal marriage for reasons that vary with the particular society, but usually encompass family and economic stability, dual parental role models, religious mores, and just plain old traditional social norms. The people who marry because they are gold diggers, liars, lazy, want someone else to take care of them (and/or their kids) or other ugly motives unfair to the other spouse, are usually found out and ultimately suffer negative consequences. Sadly, the innocent spouse suffers, too, but has hope of escaping the bad marriage and starting new.

Sounds like Sabrina has a great marriage that continues to grow and mature, as all healthy marriages do. I wish more NTs understood what she said about simultaneously loving and hating someone. Maybe there'd be a whole lot less drama and trauma in some marriages.

 

[Streetwise]

IM still blind to this concept envious but then again someone was envious of my physical height which i found ironic because i thought it was so feminine to be petite

That you can have mix feelings about a PERSON. You can hate AND love your partner, for example, because those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I just read that statement a couple of days ago in a book (about being emotionally immature), and I thought "Why didn't anybody tell me this before?! I almost got separated from my husband (also an aspie) a few weeks ago, and I felt so much pain, first, because I had realized "I didn't love him" (explanation: I didn't love him, for the first time ever, in our 18 years together, because I was super mad at him).
So it dawn on me: "Oh! So I can hate him (or have any other negative feelings towards him) AND love him at the same time. Really?! WOW".

So the revelations in my head kept coming: "So when he said that he loathed me (his exact words), it was true , but not the ONLY truth. He also loves me. WOW" .

So the next day (it's been like a month since we said to each other those things, and now we are in good terms), I asked him: "Do you know that you can have mixed feelings about someone?" "No", "Me neither. But you can. Which means that you can loath me and love me at the same time, and that I can hate you and love you at the same time. And that's OK".

Well, honestly guys, I feel like I've won a Nobel Prize with my discovery . This is a game changer in my marriage.

 

[JoyChaos]

That you can have mix feelings about a PERSON. You can hate AND love your partner, for example, because those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I just read that statement a couple of days ago in a book (about being emotionally immature), and I thought "Why didn't anybody tell me this before?! I almost got separated from my husband (also an aspie) a few weeks ago, and I felt so much pain, first, because I had realized "I didn't love him" (explanation: I didn't love him, for the first time ever, in our 18 years together, because I was super mad at him).
So it dawn on me: "Oh! So I can hate him (or have any other negative feelings towards him) AND love him at the same time. Really?! WOW".

So the revelations in my head kept coming: "So when he said that he loathed me (his exact words), it was true , but not the ONLY truth. He also loves me. WOW" .

So the next day (it's been like a month since we said to each other those things, and now we are in good terms), I asked him: "Do you know that you can have mixed feelings about someone?" "No", "Me neither. But you can. Which means that you can loath me and love me at the same time, and that I can hate you and love you at the same time. And that's OK".

Well, honestly guys, I feel like I've won a Nobel Prize with my discovery . This is a game changer in my marriage.

I learned this the hard way too. i learned this after leaving my first boyfriend. I struggle with my fiance but i learned you can love someone 110% of the time and thats ok. its not the end of the world if you kinda dislike them one day and not on another. i wish someone told me this sooner. would of saved me a lot of anguish