Telling Someone That You Have Aspergers(?)

[TragicKingdom]

I always wonder about this, especially in certain circumstances.

I have been advised by a friend to hold off on talking about this right away with new people I meet.

For example, I have recently met a woman. We have been talking via email. She is a very sweet and kind person.

We are going on our first date next month for my birthday which is really exciting, BUT...

I know having Aspergers Syndrome is not something I will most likely bring up on our first date (And, honestly, so I have been told, I do not "seem" to have Aspergers upon first getting to know me), but, in fact, I do have it and the symptoms will eventually reveal themselves to someone else.

If something was to really grow between me and this girl, a romantic relationship, she would eventually find out and I feel like not immediately being up front about it is like I am trying to hide it or that I would be lying to her.

I am more than happy to announce to the world that I'm an Aspie, but many in the world do not understand nor accept it. I do not wish to scare this girl away.

 

[Suzanne]

I deleted my answer, because I realised I had said things that you already are very aware of lol

I would "play it by ear" with her basically; meaning that see how the date goes and if you feel there is something there, then you ought to be honest with her, as that is only fair on both of you. Basically, you want to feel that you can be YOU, but you cannot achieve this if you are wearing your "mask" to try and cover up who you are and she will not get to know you!

You never know, she may just be an aspie too lol

I sincerely hope that you both have a wonderful time together

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I wouldn't say anything at first cause you don't know if this is even going to go anywhere. But if you start dating her (maybe 5 times) then I would say something, otherwise you may do something that she doesn't understand why you're doing it. That could start a nice discussion about the Aspie website too. I've said several times on other threads how important to me it would be to know this information. I'm NT by the way.

 

[Julia 27]

Go slowly is my suggestion as you cannot unsay something
If you had some contagious deadly disease then I think you owe it to another to tell them but Aspies...... come on it is part of our distinctive charm and although we can be annoying tell me someone who isn't
let her get to know you just as you are and see what happens and whose to say what baggage she has that she is hiding from you on the first, second , third date...
All the best

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think I'd just tell her about any symptoms she needs to be aware of, like severe light sensitivity or something, and if things get serious then it'd be safe to let her know what causes the symptoms.

 

[gregmcph]

Yeah, let the relationship live or die purely on how the two of you get along. If it works out, be happy. If aspie stuff mucks it up, well, sad but so be it.

But you don't need to throw in added complications yet.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Update: Well, I was informed last night by this girl via email that someone else asked her out on a date and that he told her that he wanted only to be exclusive with her (Although they have never even been out once yet). She said that she told him she could not yet commit to something like exclusivity so soon.

She wanted to know if I wanted us to continue writing each other and told me she "was not sure how serious things with this guy would get".

I was not sure how to reply to her email. Should I even reply at all and just ignore it all together? I replied and told her I think it best that we no longer write each other.

Birthday plans cancelled.

Honestly, it does not really upset me at all - In some ways I am very relieved.

 

[Jaywalker]

Latest news notwithstanding, I would be inclined to disclose my diagnosis early. If the reception is not as I hope, I have less time, energy, and emotion invested. If interest continues, knowing can potentially provide insight to help her understand when I inadvertently say something that might otherwise be interpreted as inappropriate.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I think you did the right thing. I don't like playing games and dating someone when they are dating someone else. And I don't think that is right anyway for her to be writing you when she is supposed to be going with him. Would she do that if she was going out with you? That sounds like too much of a mess.

 

[Jimbo]

I think being an aspie is probably a bigger deal to us than it is to other people. When you do have a date I would just take the time to get to know the person and if she likes you the way you are, great, if she doesn't like you,,,oh well, there are other fish in the sea. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. You can save that for when things get a little more serious.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think you did the right thing. I don't like playing games and dating someone when they are dating someone else. And I don't think that is right anyway for her to be writing you when she is supposed to be going with him. Would she do that if she was going out with you? That sounds like too much of a mess.

I always struggled with that "exclusive" thing too. When does it start? Not that I ever had multiples to test that line. It just seems like a lot of unwritten rules about when "exclusive" begins, like most people have a sixth sense of when it starts. I think he did good taking the safe route.

 

[Judge]

Dating strikes me as standing in the middle of "no man's land". Why would I want to subject myself to such a thing?

 

[SkyBlue]

Update: Well, I was informed last night by this girl via email that someone else asked her out on a date and that he told her that he wanted only to be exclusive with her (Although they have never even been out once yet). She said that she told him she could not yet commit to something like exclusivity so soon.

She wanted to know if I wanted us to continue writing each other and told me she "was not sure how serious things with this guy would get".

I was not sure how to reply to her email. Should I even reply at all and just ignore it all together? I replied and told her I think it best that we no longer write each other.

Birthday plans cancelled.

Honestly, it does not really upset me at all - In some ways I am very relieved.

Honestly I don't think there's a person in the world who would agree to be exclusive with someone after being asked out on a first date, that sounds ridiculous and like it's just a ploy to get you to leave her alone. I hate, hate HATE playing games like that with people but it's how they do it in dating it seems, no one's ever up front and honest about when they decide they don't want to continue seeing someone.

Either way to answer the question anyway, I find I usually never tell people I'm autistic. I just don't have anything to gain, the majority of people I'm exposed to I feel would not be able to emphasize with them and I feel it just opens doors to be harshly judged. I'm all for telling people if I feel there's a good enough reason to do so, maybe they can relate or emphasize, or maybe I feel I'm forced to given that I may or may not have had a giant panic attack in their presence.