Super independence

[Diana11]

Hello, this is my first post here. Nice to meet you all here!

So, I dated this guy for 2 years. At the beginning, I felt something was a little different about him, but I didn't care, because he was so hot, smart and charming. In fact, he is totally a genius type. Long story short, he turned out to be a super independent man and almost workaholic. He was always too busy to see me and we saw each other only once a month and had to skip all the fun events, etc, too, but insisted that he misses me very much. Yes he IS a busy man, but it got to the point where I started doubting his reasoning.

I am not going to list everything that made me think he might be on the spectrum, but I did so much searches, even talked with a professional in the field, and I am pretty sure he is. He had signs of both Aspergers and ADHD. He didn't seem to know, or maybe he did know because once he told me he feels he was different from others, but never told me he was on the spectrum. He actually took the fact that he is different in a positive way, which is great, but sometimes it gave me troubles, because he wouldn't admit his differences (traits) were giving me headaches because of the fact he took them too positive.

So, after about a year, my doubt (that he might be on the spectrum) came up to me. I still liked him and wanted to find out how we can get along better.

I think it is fine to keep some distance at the beginning stage of dating, but after a few month, the couple starts to feel closer. With him, the distance never got closer as the time went by. He wouldn't let me get closer emotionally. Contradictorily (at least to me), he really wanted me to stay. I knew that he needed a lot of space, so I gave him a lot of space. I even usually waited until he messaged me. I stopped saying I wanted to see him until he asked. After all my effort not to interfere with his space, I started to feel very lonely and tired of wanting more. I got really frustrated, and wrote him a letter. I loved him very much but needed him to let me get closer and if that's not possible, I couldn't take it anymore. Long story short again, after he contemplated for a long time, he told me to move on.

Well, I know that I should move on. I know he did not love me enough to take me in. I know I couldn't take it anymore. It's been over half year but I still keep thinking about him. If I knew he was on the spectrum from the beginning, I could have avoided getting hurt again and again, and could have understood him better.

Was there any possibility I missed to have him closer to me? I know isolation is one of the possible traits of people on the spectrum, but if you find someone you love, is it something you can change? Or is it just how he is and will be?

If there was nothing I could have done, please give me any advice for me to move on. Thank you.

 

[midlife aspie]

You did the only thing possible and moved on. You would not have been happy with him and I think he knew this. Either you would have needed to adjust for him or he for you. Find the man that you can be happy with. He is out there. Self adjustment should not be on the menu at the outset.

 

[Guppyfry]

I'm a woman. 53. Single - I don't think I could tolerate the close togetherness of married couples. I feel lonely though - enjoy some interactions with friends, completely happy to be apart from them and not seem them for weeks on end, yet comfortable to pick up our friendship when I do reconnect. I do need that separation though.

So what I'm saying is: He is probably what he is, and there is not much you could have done different to change that, or to get him to "like" you more. There is no magic insight that will open him up to you. I doubt you could make it work.

 

[Diana11]

You did the only thing possible and moved on. You would not have been happy with him and I think he knew this. Either you would have needed to adjust for him or he for you. Find the man that you can be happy with. He is out there. Self adjustment should not be on the menu at the outset.

Thank you so much for the reply. I really wish I could find a man who can be happy with me. I thought that I could adjust to meet the partner's needs if we love each other, but it became to difficult. I just really wish that he was honest with me and had told me that in advance, like, "hey, I am not really good at having close relationship with another person, so I am looking for someone who is OK with that", etc. I spent 2 years and so much emotions and feelings towards him, thinking it will get better. From the beginning, he acted as if it was all because of his busy work schedule and it's temporary thing. At the end, I really doubted that was the real reason. He is on the spectrum and cannot spend too much time with people. Despite of all this, I still miss him. But you are right, I will find a man who would be happy to see me everyday. Thank you!

 

[Diana11]

I'm a woman. 53. Single - I don't think I could tolerate the close togetherness of married couples. I feel lonely though - enjoy some interactions with friends, completely happy to be apart from them and not seem them for weeks on end, yet comfortable to pick up our friendship when I do reconnect. I do need that separation though.

So what I'm saying is: He is probably what he is, and there is not much you could have done different to change that, or to get him to "like" you more. There is no magic insight that will open him up to you. I doubt you could make it work.

Thanks for your reply! I see. So you are like him. As I stated above, I really wish he was honest about that like you are and told me at the beginning that is how he is. If he did, I wouldn't have spent 2 years with him... But I guess he was also lonely like you feel and wanted my presence - from far away... Ugh... I miss him so much!!! But yea, I have to move on!!!

 

[Valentine]

I know he did not love me enough to take me in.

I think maybe he did, but in the ASD / AS he may not be capable of showing it in a way that you need. Moving on may well be the best thing, but please do not think he does not love you. We just can't express things the way NTs do. It's tragic and heartbreaking at times but still true.

 

[Diana11]

I think maybe he did, but in the ASD / AS he may not be capable of showing it in a way that you need. Moving on may well be the best thing, but please do not think he does not love you. We just can't express things the way NTs do. It's tragic and heartbreaking at times but still true.

Thanks for your reply! I hope he did love me, but yes it was tragic......... Until the end, I told him I missed him, and he did the same. We haven't talked since. I just wish I knew earlier. I still couldn't figure out what exactly was impossible for him to do after doing many researches on other AS/ADHD people, because I couldn't ask him directly. I don't even know if he has been diagnosed or not. I was too afraid to tell him that he might have AS/ADHD. He works so hard and I didn't want him to be depressed and become unable to work by hearing that from me. I did try not to blame him for things that were obviously part of his AS/ADHD traits, but I guess I still did complain at the end about one of his traits - not loving me like NTs do. I couldn't help it. Yes, I have to move on. Thank you.

 

[midlife aspie]

Did he have any relationships prior to you? He may have been inexperienced as to what to expect with one.

 

[midlife aspie]

I'm a woman. 53. Single - I don't think I could tolerate the close togetherness of married couples. I feel lonely though - enjoy some interactions with friends, completely happy to be apart from them and not seem them for weeks on end, yet comfortable to pick up our friendship when I do reconnect. I do need that separation though.

So what I'm saying is: He is probably what he is, and there is not much you could have done different to change that, or to get him to "like" you more. There is no magic insight that will open him up to you. I doubt you could make it work.

This is what I'm like. Fortunately, Mrs. Midlife is similar.

 

[Diana11]

Did he have any relationships prior to you? He may have been inexperienced as to what to expect with one.

Yes, he's had some relationships, but he said none of them last long. He is in late-30s. He's highly talented and good looking, so I know that he can find girls pretty easily. However, he can't keep girls although he wants to............

 

[Diana11]

This is what I'm like. Fortunately, Mrs. Midlife is similar.

Mrs. Midlife, so you are married, right? You are super independent like him and married? How do you live with your husband or do you live apart?

 

[Judge]

It's always critical for NTs to understand that for so many of us, that at some point we routinely require solitude. And not to ever take it personally, which had happened many times for me with relationships with NT women.

Something that is all about us and our neurology, and not about our significant others at all.

But if a significant other attempts to "preempt" such a need in much of any way, that it will likely spell trouble. It isn't that we're super independent. It's just that we need "alone time" on a level most NTs cannot comprehend.

 

[Valentine]

It's always critical for NTs to understand that for so many of us, that at some point we routinely require solitude. And not to ever take it personally, which had happened many times for me with relationships with NT women.

Something that is all about us and our neurology, and not about our significant others at all.

But if a significant other attempts to "preempt" such a need in much of any way, that it will likely spell trouble. It isn't that we're super independent. It's just that we need "alone time" on a level most NTs cannot comprehend.

This exactly.

I am married as well, and have three kids. My wife is NT, but due to her ptsd, she understands aspie traits better than most. It's hard for both of us, but the key is understanding each other, making sacrifices, and in our case our faith. It doesn't work otherwise.

 

[angie78]

This exactly.

I am married as well, and have three kids. My wife is NT, but due to her ptsd, she understands aspie traits better than most. It's hard for both of us, but the key is understanding each other, making sacrifices, and in our case our faith. It doesn't work otherwise.

Any advice for the NT of a newly diagnosed aspie?

 

[Valentine]

Any advice for the NT of a newly diagnosed aspie?

Be extremely patient. The more you accomadate his AS traits, the easier it will be for him to be closer to you. There is a limit though, it will never be like being with another NT. Somethings you will just have to accept.

 

[Diana11]

It's always critical for NTs to understand that for so many of us, that at some point we routinely require solitude. And not to ever take it personally, which had happened many times for me with relationships with NT women.

Something that is all about us and our neurology, and not about our significant others at all.

But if a significant other attempts to "preempt" such a need in much of any way, that it will likely spell trouble. It isn't that we're super independent. It's just that we need "alone time" on a level most NTs cannot comprehend.

Thanks for your reply! I totally understand Aspies need solitude. As I wrote above, I gave him lots of space and his own time but it still didn't work out. I don't know how much more time and space I could have given him. And in fact, I like my alone time, too, and that's why it lasted for 2 years. Even I, who like lots of alone time, couldn't take it anymore.

How often do you see your girlfriend?

 

[Diana11]

This exactly.

I am married as well, and have three kids. My wife is NT, but due to her ptsd, she understands aspie traits better than most. It's hard for both of us, but the key is understanding each other, making sacrifices, and in our case our faith. It doesn't work otherwise.

Your wife knows you're Aspie, right? And you tell her what you need, what you can't do, etc, right? In our case, the biggest problem was that he never told me anything like that. I am 99% sure he is AS, but I don't know if he's been diagnosed or not, so we couldn't talk about what he can't do, what he needs, etc.

Any of you have ever had a successful relationship with NT without telling your partner that you are Aspie? I found it was very difficult even after I read books and researched about AS. If I knew what he needs, can't do, etc, I think it could have worked so much easier. I tried to understand him, but by the time I started doubting that he might be AS, I was already hurt many times and was pretty tired, too.

 

[Valentine]

Your wife knows you're Aspie, right? And you tell her what you need, what you can't do, etc, right? In our case, the biggest problem was that he never told me anything like that. I am 99% sure he is AS, but I don't know if he's been diagnosed or not, so we couldn't talk about what he can't do, what he needs, etc.

Any of you have ever had a successful relationship with NT without telling your partner that you are Aspie? I found it was very difficult even after I read books and researched about AS. If I knew what he needs, can't do, etc, I think it could have worked so much easier. I tried to understand him, but by the time I started doubting that he might be AS, I was already hurt many times and was pretty tired, too.

Yes actually, she didn't know and neither did I for the first six years of our marriage.

 

[Diana11]

Yes actually, she didn't know and neither did I for the first six years of our marriage.

Oh your wife didn't know and YOU didn't know. I think his case might be more complicated. From the beginning, I knew something was very different. It was too hard not to notice, especially because he had ADHD traits, too. I knew there was something about him but I just couldn't figure out what it was for a year, which was very frustrating.

 

[Valentine]

Oh your wife didn't know and YOU didn't know. I think his case might be more complicated. From the beginning, I knew something was very different. It was too hard not to notice, especially because he had ADHD traits, too. I knew there was something about him but I just couldn't figure out what it was for a year, which was very frustrating.

How is that more complicated?