A common motif here is the bullying, lack of acceptance and often traumatic life events that we were subjected to in our childhoor/teenage years for our lack of conformity to the NT world. So I have a lot of questions today, and I could use some help with those.
1. As an adult, how do you cope with that?
2. Do you still get intense flashbacks of those times?
3. Have you found peace with that, or do you occasionally get bitter?
4. Any PTSD or depression that you think can be directly traced to those events?
5. Do you ever feel that things would have taken a completely different turn if you had had a diagnosis in your childhood or teenage years, and had gotten the adequate assistance and trainings/therapies?
6. Do you ever feel guilt over times when you didn't stand up for yourself enough, even though you couldn't have in reality, or guilt for times you went too far in defending yourself?
7. What has helped you make up for what you couldn't receive before adulthood?
8. Are you satisfied with the social skills you've developed by your own means?
I usually get the revival episodes when something clicks and I have this "Oh." moment (not an "aha!" moment), and I realize that it was more than just kids or adults being mean to me; it was them trying to shove their system of belief onto me, beat it into me, nag me into it, etc. It happens often when I read books on autism, and I see the past events in a new light. It also happens when I'm minding my own business & not reading anything in particular, of course.
I think coming here has enabled me to let go of "what could have been", but sadly AC is not a magic wand that can erase the memories, and at times I can still get very agitated over the things that come back to the surface from their deep place of burial. I swear those memories can be like zombies, impossible to keep away, yet sucking the life out of me.
Therapy hasn't ever introduced any meaningful change, but I think it's because we weren't tackling things from the right angle. Actually, most therapists I saw made me feel guiltier still that I didn't fit in, and that no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't successful. It took the diagnosis for me to understand that it was not about how hard, it was about how I tried. Most of the progress I've made was on my own... A different, personal approach has proven more helpful than persisting in the mistakes my quest for normalcy induced. And while the self-diagnosis helped change views, I still had this lingering idea that maybe I was reading too much into those signs, and having several psychiatrists reject the idea on the grounds that I was a woman really made it harder. So I'd say the official diagnosis was not only a confirmation or a relief, it also became a weapon to fight old demons. It makes me sad that it is still so complicated to get and so expensive, and that public health authorities in most countries are perfectly fine with leaving most people suffering on the side of the road if they can't afford the cost in money & time. Certain aspects of my anxiety became much more manageable almost overnight after I realized those things (but only certain aspects... you can still count on me to come up with 21 horrendous worst case scenarios if, say, someone is 15 minutes late, or to get cripplingly tense at the mere thought of my soon-to-be-former boss). I still have a lot of guilt to shake over the fact that I would have needed to be my own advocate, but it's not exactly like you know how to do that between the ages of 5 - 16...
1. As an adult, how do you cope with that?
2. Do you still get intense flashbacks of those times?
3. Have you found peace with that, or do you occasionally get bitter?
4. Any PTSD or depression that you think can be directly traced to those events?
5. Do you ever feel that things would have taken a completely different turn if you had had a diagnosis in your childhood or teenage years, and had gotten the adequate assistance and trainings/therapies?
6. Do you ever feel guilt over times when you didn't stand up for yourself enough, even though you couldn't have in reality, or guilt for times you went too far in defending yourself?
7. What has helped you make up for what you couldn't receive before adulthood?
8. Are you satisfied with the social skills you've developed by your own means?
I usually get the revival episodes when something clicks and I have this "Oh." moment (not an "aha!" moment), and I realize that it was more than just kids or adults being mean to me; it was them trying to shove their system of belief onto me, beat it into me, nag me into it, etc. It happens often when I read books on autism, and I see the past events in a new light. It also happens when I'm minding my own business & not reading anything in particular, of course.
I think coming here has enabled me to let go of "what could have been", but sadly AC is not a magic wand that can erase the memories, and at times I can still get very agitated over the things that come back to the surface from their deep place of burial. I swear those memories can be like zombies, impossible to keep away, yet sucking the life out of me.
Therapy hasn't ever introduced any meaningful change, but I think it's because we weren't tackling things from the right angle. Actually, most therapists I saw made me feel guiltier still that I didn't fit in, and that no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't successful. It took the diagnosis for me to understand that it was not about how hard, it was about how I tried. Most of the progress I've made was on my own... A different, personal approach has proven more helpful than persisting in the mistakes my quest for normalcy induced. And while the self-diagnosis helped change views, I still had this lingering idea that maybe I was reading too much into those signs, and having several psychiatrists reject the idea on the grounds that I was a woman really made it harder. So I'd say the official diagnosis was not only a confirmation or a relief, it also became a weapon to fight old demons. It makes me sad that it is still so complicated to get and so expensive, and that public health authorities in most countries are perfectly fine with leaving most people suffering on the side of the road if they can't afford the cost in money & time. Certain aspects of my anxiety became much more manageable almost overnight after I realized those things (but only certain aspects... you can still count on me to come up with 21 horrendous worst case scenarios if, say, someone is 15 minutes late, or to get cripplingly tense at the mere thought of my soon-to-be-former boss). I still have a lot of guilt to shake over the fact that I would have needed to be my own advocate, but it's not exactly like you know how to do that between the ages of 5 - 16...
