Socializing through music: does being in choir, a band, or roadie help socialize?

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hat tip to Spiller for the spark that set this off. What's your experience in using music to help socialize? Voice your questions or tell some stories about getting "on tempo" with other people in semi-structured creative circumstances. Don't feel obliged to answer all the questions--just share in any way you want. (Suggestion: the intent is to share stories rather than post videos...unless you're in the video.)

What goes well?

What goes wrong?

What have you learned from your experiences?

Tell a story.

 

[Spiller]

Wow, A4H, that was quick, I think you almost travelled back in time there!

I attended a friends and family night with my friends choir recently.. it was quite fun and I was determined not to hide in a corner, so I sang the songs I knew and murmured along with some of the ones I didn't. The choir leader was great, he had a bit of a comedy routine going which went down well, and I managed to get along ok with a few people during the break (apparently, someone called Pauline 'quite liked' me.. ).

I only sing when I'm by myself and I think I usually hit all the notes (I sound good in my head, anyway), but the thought of singing with other people.. well, I am a tad self-concious ya know
But I figured, well they're all doing it, I can only look good for trying, right?

What I learned, to my consternation, is that I appear to have a stick up my arse that makes me feel as rigid as a board if I have to do anything this far out of my comfort zone.

What I'm thinking is that I may just push myself to join, though I never before considered being a member of a choir my kinda thing, just to see if I can perform a self rectal-foreign-body-removal of said offending rigidity and loosen up a bit in public.. who knows?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Call: "My new choir features a bunch of entitled people who've given their Precious Child a present in the form of a choir seat in my section, tried to move me to do it so Mommy in the section behind can argue with him in heated whispers about sitting straight, etc. during direction from the Music Director. Who reseated him with the altos after a few pithy remarks from me in private. Mommy reseated him last night with my section."

Response: "What club do I have to join so I can walk all over everyone else for a change?"

Call: "Join a church choir. They welcome everybody." They also chirp and chatter about everybody. If you've ever wondered what it would be like to be in a flock of finches, this'll do it.
.............
I'm not a finch. If I'm wearing feathers, I'm more likely to be either a corvid or a raptor. But choirs are semistructured meetings: the agenda is the music, the music director tells you what to do, and figures out how long you'll do it before you want to kill him/her/yourself.

Church choir has been my way to manage to blend in to a social group because the group has a task (learn the music) and a goal (perform the music). For me, it's been a way to explore the tension between what my aspie self needs (tasks and goals) and what other people need (voices in company). Church choir at its best ministers to its members as well as its congregation.

That's what goes well. What goes wrong is the kind of story I told up top. There's often a Diva whose magnificent voice accompanies a smallness of soul and a smugness of being. Sometimes a talentless (genuinely talentless) nitwit who cannot help but sing flat is welcomed for years. Since choir is social and volunteer, it can really grate on the ears. People who are "long standing" members assume they can arrange things to suit themselves, and leaders may be afraid to "rock the boat." Once authority begins to erode, socialization depends upon just where you're going to draw the line about what to fight for (or flee from).

Volunteer community choirs seem better in some ways. Since they aren't bound to an institution, they also aren't hostage to a social decorum. Since it's a strong act of will and leadership to bring a community choir into being, authority is less of a problem.

 

[Nitro]

I used to help host bluegrass/hippie festivals.
There were a lot I attended too.
It was a lot of work,but you got to meet some pretty amazing people along the way.
I have been no stranger to the live music scene.

 

[King_Oni]

Oh my... socializing through music. I was in a few bands in the past; let's just say that I'm terrible to work with and worse than a dictator, lol. I meticulously plan out everything and the rest seems more like they're there because they love their instruments enough and I just don't have enough hands or skill to play it all myself.

To me that's all great... for others; I've spent years with the same people in various projects, so I guess they didn't mind me being "in charge" of that orchestra, hah. But some left eventually, so yeah... it's a bit of "my way of working with others works for some and doesn't work for others".

The main thing I learned is "screw this group thing, I'll go solo".

For me it's those occurences that eventually led to me buying my first electric guitar and learning to play it, rather than just theorize about music and write down some sheet music to write music.

And given that being in a band gathers some crowd and people at times want to talk to you about what you did and what they think of it. I'm probably the weirdest guy to hang around with, doing something that might very well be called "the rain man routine". It did less in terms of getting women interested (and actually was the main guy in the band as the vocalist) but it did at least get some interest to people who nerded out about musicproduction and such. I kinda lived in my own bubble, already writing new structures on beercoasters at the venue rather than having an interest to talk to people. I kinda miss that in myself now I guess. People think I'm disconnected with the world now... 10 years ago I probably didn't even mentally occupy this planet, lol

 

[Ylva]

I was in the church choir every couple of weeks for half a year when I was fifteen. There was practice every week, meaning I skipped every other week. Standing in a group where I wasn't even allowed to look at the others made me unconsciously hold my breath, which is not conducive to singing. Or remaining conscious.

 

[Axeman52]

I find my musical abilities seem to lend some credibility to my personal "eccentricities", and by that I mean, I usually have a much easier time socializing with people know know me as a musician than those who don't. I guess it's because people seem to expect musicians to be a little bit eccentric.

Additionally, I think playing as part of a musical ensemble with people kind of helps me to get to know them on a personal level. I'm usually much more relaxed around people I've interacted with in a musical context, even if it's just an informal jam session or something.

 

[Daniel]

This year I've been using music to connect with new people--I love being in a city (Toronto) where meetup.com offers a lot of options! I went to a songwriter's round table meetup last month that was quite fun. Went to a karaoke night meetup, which I enjoyed despite only getting to sing one song in three hours. I've also just started taking singing lessons, and they have a weekly Performance Group class that I plan to attend soon. There are also a lot of open mic and open jam nights around the city. My favorite--a recording studio offered classes on professional audio production and the music business. That was awesome, and I met some cool people there. And I haven't even been to any live music venues yet... all in good time!

I also get together with a group of friends once a month to play classic rock tunes. It's super casual and just for fun, but it feels good when we can actually pick up a new tune and make it all the way through. I play the drums and sing, and when they need it, I sing the names of the chords as they come up and mix them into the lyrics. It's really funny. Like, "(G) in the mornin' (B) / (to C) I'll be sittin' when the evenin' (A) / / (to G) Watchin' the ships roll (B) / (to C) Then I'll watch 'em roll away a-(A)", etc.

I'm fortunate to have largely avoided personalities in others that make the experience unpleasant, though lately I've done a lot of work on myself to not let other people's personalities affect my enjoyment of life.

 

[Tom]

My musical ability and experience is severely limited. In fact the only thing I can remember doing is hitting two red sticks together in some music activity in First Grade or maybe Kindergarden. I thought it might lead to getting to know the right people and some good networking, but unfortunately it did not.

 

[Suzanne]

Mmmmm when I sing at our christian meetings, I sound good, because I lose my self consciousness and have been told that I sound great, but ask me to lead? Suddenly I sound strangled.

We have two spiritual sisters who can sing, but they are not set apart, they join in with us, who are the best singers, but I definitely do compliment them.

I have got a pretty good ear for music and even if it is the first time on singing it, I seem to be able to catch on fast.

I prefer being on my own, to feel that sense of pure joy.

 

[Lena_C]

Noooo, being in choir made the problem much more worst
Not a gd experience
But I enjoy talking about music with fds
I have passed my ABRSM Grade 8 piano when I was 13
some ppl think that its rare to see/difficult to do, well idk
and yes, I think music can help socializing with ppl, but not singing in a choir...really

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

My musical ability and experience is severely limited. In fact the only thing I can remember doing is hitting two red sticks together in some music activity in First Grade or maybe Kindergarden. I thought it might lead to getting to know the right people and some good networking, but unfortunately it did not.

Rhythm sticks! They're simple, but I love them. I heard them used, to hysterically appropriate effect, in Hugh Laurie's album Didn't It Rain. They open a darkly comic number called Send Me to the 'Lectric Chair.

 

[Tom]

Rhythm sticks! They're simple, but I love them. I heard them used, to hysterically appropriate effect, in Hugh Laurie's album Didn't It Rain. They open a darkly comic number called Send Me to the 'Lectric Chair.

Ah so. So that's what Ian Drury is talking about in 'Hit Me With Your Rhythm Sticks'.

 

[watersprite]

I was in the church choir every couple of weeks for half a year when I was fifteen. There was practice every week, meaning I skipped every other week. Standing in a group where I wasn't even allowed to look at the others made me unconsciously hold my breath, which is not conducive to singing. Or remaining conscious.

Something very like this happened with me. I collapsed (fainted) and fell off the bleachers twice. Parents let me out of the commitment at that point.

 

[Harrison]

I was in the choir as a youth, it was something I loved doing as singing ust made me feel great. It culminated in my being asked to sing 'Gloria in excelsis deo' at the town hall in front of a lot of folk. I was frightened right up until the moment I sang. After that I used to sing Beatles songs with a few friends.

Later on I 'joined' the karaoke trend and it became a lucrative sideline as I would enter competitions. Through that I got addicted to being on stage, and set up my own travelling one man band doing weddings etc.

My 'hairiest' moment was when I was asked to do a lecture for 25+ people, I was comfortable with that except nearly 500 turned up. Suddenly it went from me being in a stable situation to being miked up and told that CNN were filming it. I completely forgot what I was meant to talk about and in my panic to remember I just started singing a Sinatra song. No-one seemed to mind and by the end I'd remembered what I was supposed to be doing

 

[Spiller]

I clicked 'Winner' cos there isn't a 'Clutch at my face in horror' button!
I'm glad it worked out for you in the end Harrison, though that is possibly the very definition of 'Hairy'!

 

[AsheSkyler]

What goes well?
Treats, bribes, ability, and knowledge.

What goes wrong?
Singing off key or not knowing that one popular guy everybody else does. And an unexpected audience.

What have you learned from your experiences?
Like most interests, it is a distraction. They are more interested in your ability to perform and the knowledge you know than they are interested in you as a person and all your oddities. The more brownie points you score, the less unacceptable your eccentricity. In time, they may even get used to you enough to make a real friend and they don't mind the quirks at all.

 

[Meistersinger]

Believe it or not, this is the first time in 25 years I had not been asked to do any solo work over Lent or during Holy Week. Of course, changing churches after 38 years in the same congregation didn't help. I'm still trying to figure out who to talk to in this congregation in order to even schedule a solo.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Believe it or not, this is the first time in 25 years I had not been asked to do any solo work over Lent or during Holy Week. Of course, changing churches after 38 years in the same congregation didn't help. I'm still trying to figure out who to talk to in this congregation in order to even schedule a solo.

How about the minister? He might be able to at least get you on the right direction to who you need to talk to. I always found preachers a bit intimidating myself.

 

[Meistersinger]

Right now, it might not matter, as I go for surgery to remove kidney stones in a week and a half.