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Saddened by a website I was reading

G

GeoGuy

Active Member
Hi all. I feel terrible after reading articles and blogs on a website which describe the experiences of wives of Asperger's men.

I could hardly believe what I was reading. It was hard to endure. Now, I feel like some kind of monster because I am not sure whether I have ever treated people, especially women, this way.

I am not married, but reading stuff like this makes me feel really guilty for wanting to ever get married.

The website states that Aspie men (like me) are akin to psychopaths and narcissists, and have the same effect in a relationship. They say being married to an Aspie man is like being ignored, invalidated all the time, abused, and their life destroyed. They say Aspie men never give them attention and always blame the wife for everything, and last but not least - are totally incapable of loving her.

I almost cried reading that last part. I mean, I believe that I can love a special girl in my life very much, and I want to treat her so well and do everything for her, hold her, comfort her, love her so very much. I had a girlfriend before and was extremely in love with her.

But, is this what people really think of men like me? How can I ever prove that I would never hurt someone that way?

They explicitly say that a woman should never ever get involved with an Aspie man. Why do I deserve to be alone, just because of my condition?
 
Oh yeah, I think I'm familiar with this woman's work. Don't take it to heart, there are some people out there with a massive stick up their arse who feel they need to vent about their problems of not getting enough attention like their some sodding house cat. People who claim this sort of thing have their own problems, the only difference is that we're got a name for ours. I'm quite sure if you look around on the internet you'll find blogs detailing the horrors of living with women like this too.

We are not like narcissists or psychopaths, we don't lack empathy because we don't care. Not taking into account that we may not notice signs isn't the same thing and just not caring. Quite frankly they're arguing like men.
 
Yeah, I was thinking about this, and to me, the person who is complaining about the Aspie sounds like a true narcissist herself!

But, of course, not to be beaten, she adds a little disclaimer that of course says we would say that. :)

Because we are "mindblind" I think the term was. She says we have "zero" empathy. I can very much care about and feel what others are feeling.

But, when I read these blogs, I get the sense there is much more wrong with these husbands than having Asperger's. Being an Aspie doesn't mean you are going to beat your wife or shout at her and invalidate her emotions, etc. That sounds like some kind of other sociopathic condition to me, and someone who has serious problems.

Even being an Aspie, I still know how to treat people with respect and dignity.
 
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Mind you, I also once read a blog that said people like me who were not conceived naturally and could not function naturally in the world, needed to be terminated at birth. :)
 
The thing I don't quite understand about these websites, in which women in mainly long-term relationships discuss their partners. Is that they all seem unable or afraid to act. They sound victimized, as if they can do nothing for themselves.

Which is puzzling, if you are with someone who you feel is abusive or uninterested in you and you feel doesn't care about you, why would you stay? I know about stockholm syndrome, and various theories related to victimization, and why women and men stay in abusive relationships.

The way the relationships are described, it's more a matter of neglect or disinterest on the part of their spouses. That many of the women appear as quite controlling, and become angry when their chosen one doesn't live up to standards they set, without true affirmation from their mates. See a lot of hostility and anger there, a loss of control, which seems much more about their own character than anything else.

The fact that someone would spend time creating a 'revenge' website indicates more than broken relationships, it shows anger, even hatred. And when emotions become that volatile it leads me to question the underlying purpose of such a site. I ask myself what is it's primary function? To promote hatred.
 
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I have to agree Mia. I have learned the hard way in my life that people who generally play the victim to these extremes and do these kind of things are not very nice people themselves, and quite capable of hurting someone in return.

I mean, look how they made me (and I assume several other Aspie men) feel just by reading it alone!

One can tell the aim of the website is to hurt and slander and generalize.

I guess the only way to deal with stuff like this is to remember and believe what I am in myself, that I am not such a man that they describe and that I can be (and have been) a loving and caring man.

I must admit, it does get to one initially though, even if for a little bit.
 
Sounds like a loads of bs. My husband is on the spectrum too, and this description couldn't be further from him.
 
GeoGuy said:
But, of course, not to be beaten, she adds a little disclaimer that of course says we would say that.
Click to expand...

Yes, I saw that too at the time. Well I hope she finds a relationship befitting of her character, a person she truly deserves.

GeoGuy said:
I also once read a blog that said people like me who were not conceived naturally and could not function naturally in the world, needed to be terminated at birth.
Click to expand...

All I can really say to everyone about that is take pity on these emotionally and morally stunted individuals as much as they are a blight on this earth and it's these types of people who have committed the worst atrocities in history, don't lower yourself to their standard, we are all so much better than they can ever be. There is nothing lower than them.
 
What's the worst is, these are supposed to be intelligent, learned people! Behind their name stands Ph.D., M.Sc., this that, renowned psychiatrist, etc.

But, I think it's all a bunch of fakers. Anyone who has a Ph.D. in Psychology wouldn't spew bias venom like this lot. Their tone would be extremely objective, which immediately makes me wonder, who is the real psychopath here?
 
GeoGuy said:
What's the worst is, these are supposed to be intelligent, learned people! Behind their name stands Ph.D., M.Sc., this that, renowned psychiatrist, etc.

But, I think it's all a bunch of fakers. Anyone who has a Ph.D. in Psychology wouldn't spew bias venom like this lot. Their tone would be extremely objective, which immediately makes me wonder, who is the real psychopath here?
Click to expand...

A person can have all the academic titles they like, but sometimes, it doesn't mean they don't have moronic beliefs.

Never forget the guy who started the whole "vaccines cause autism" debacle. He was well educated, and yet...

(Most people don't know he had also patented his own version of the MMR vaccine before the whole s***storm he created....coincidence...?)
 
People with aspergers do feel empathy, in fact, I've heard that we may feel empathy on a deeper level than NTs. We just don't understand how to properly express that empathy. Besides, aspies are just like NTs in that we can be good or bad; it doesn't matter what your mental condition is, anyone can be a good or bad person.
 
I kinda dated a guy with aspergers and he WAS like that!! Totally! But, I realized it was not his aspergers, it was him. We cannot blame character defects on Aspergers anymore than we can blame "brilliance" on Aspergers. Each person has a will, too.

He was mean and narrow and petty and thoughtless. That was not his aspergers at all. It was him. I still have trauma when I think about it and we never even got physical!!
 
A lot of spouses of AS men feel invalidated, like their feelings don't matter at all. I have never seen the website you are referring to, but I do know that many women need counseling after being married to an Aspie because it is very difficult. Knowing your partner cares for you and feeling cared for are two different things. My wife knows I care but I often struggle to express it or I won't pick up on cues that she is hurting. This leaves a lot of her emotional needs unfulfilled. Knowing I am an Aspie does nothing to fulfill her needs, but it does remind her that I am not malicious. A website bashing neuroatypical spouses doesn't do anyone any good, but a support blog (like this one) could be very useful for spouses who want to stick with their challenging mate, but are struggling with what that entails.
 
To address your original post, I have often felt guilty for the pain I cause my wife. I frequently wonder if it would not have been better for her if I remained single.
 
As an NT who is with an AS man, I have visited a Delphi Forum AS Partners site and was shocked at the hatred those women spew on a daily basis. There's a handful of them, all seem to be in their 50's, some still with their AS husbands and some divorced but they sit and post awful stuff all....day....long..not realizing they have become their own worst enemy. With that said, I can relate to some of what they're feeling because my long time boyfriend never compliments me, rarely says I love you to my face, often ignores me, is never romantic, never asks about my 15 year old sons high school basketball games, doesn't ask how I'm feeling if I've been sick and just overall doesn't say anything sweet to me. He says expressing his feelings makes him feel uncomfortable and other times he says doing these things just "slips his mind".This has brought me to deciding that I have to leave because I have this overwhelming feeling of darkness from the relationship almost like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole. My self esteem is lower than it has ever been, I feel unlovable, uncared for and generally like I don't matter to him. He tires easily from just the demands of everyday life so many times he has nothing left for me at the end of the day. I have tried to understand that none of this is intentional but just as WittyAspie said, that unfortunately doesn't lessen the hurt. He has some really awesome qualities and its going to break my heart to walk away but it's either that or continue to have my own mental health go down the drain.

Just like NT people, no two Aspies are the same, right? From your post, you sound like someone that has a higher emotional IQ and is very aware of yours and others feelings so I wouldn't worry too much about it. ;)
 
I truly think what these people are describing on that website is someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and possible Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD) who just happens to have Asperger's.

I have heard of non-Aspie partners who do the same things. Twilightzone and OKRad - NPD and AsPD is definitely something you might want to consider.

Narcissists and psychopaths can't get diagnosed because they lie! Asperger's gets diagnosed because it happens to be there and is easier to spot by a mental-health professional.

Narcissists and psychopaths with Asperger's lack the charisma, etc. because of the Asperger's.

NPD and AsPD are like "overprint" conditions which are in addition to any other possible conditions. It's just that someone with Asperger's has a personality more susceptible to these additional conditions to develop.
 
Well, I am the aspie in my marriage and my husband would probably echo that woman's "vent" about male aspies!

I guess I do come across as a narsissist, since I have my rituals that I go into a childish fit over, if they are changed! And so forth; but me thinks that woman does not know the true definition of a narsissist, because there is a difference.

I grew up with a mother who was as narsissist as one can get!

I, personally would steer away from biased websites that are obviously a dig at aspies.

Marriage is hard for both the aspie and nt, but aspergers is not static and so, we can learn to adapt. When my husband complained that I never ask how he is on coming home from work, I realised that it was not very kind of me; just never thought about it before, but I make sure now that I greet him.

He has also complained that I never volunteer touching or caressing; that is still a work on for me, but I am better than I used to be.

What makes a "mixed" marriage work, is both partners learning from each other, whereas this woman seems to think that it has nothing to do with the nt. The aspie has the issue and so the aspie has to do all the work!

It is funny about this empathy thing, because in truth, I do not think that many people in the world are truly empathetic anyway and I am surrounded by nts and guess what? I show more empathy than many of them!

I sincerely advise you to keep away from negative websites.
 
I know what you mean Suzanne, I have spent my life surrounded by NT's and they are even less empathetic than I am. They can reject and hurt people with seeming ease and never appear to have any kind of conscience. Many of them are manipulative and like spoilt children who want everything their way. They also seem to just be interested in just using me like an object/tool for my "special" abilities/gifts to benefit their personal missions (I always had to help fix computers, help with maths homework, assignments, etc., now I have a study-promoter who I'm pretty sure is holding on to me so I can write journal publications on behalf of this person. I am not stupid, I know when I'm being used.).

But, it would be silly of me to start a website which denigrates all of them and bashes NT people, advising Aspies to avoid all contact with NT's because they are so "bad", which is exactly what this website is doing to Aspies.

Any sensible person would know everyone is different, and personally, I know that I have not met ALL the NT's in the world, I could just have been unlucky so far. Even if there were only 10% or just 1% who are genuinely good people (impossible if you think about it, more like 90%) you still cannot write them all off of course.

And that was my problem with this website - writing off ALL Aspies and saying "avoid them all" because of a few cases where it sounds to me like there are much more serious problems in the marriage than just the one partner being an Aspie.

My issue with all these people is how easily they go into "complain" and "bash" mode without even considering maybe just asking politely for something. All they have to do is ask nicely. That indicates to me that they too don't know how to communicate properly. The reason the Aspie partner probably reacts the way they do is because they probably feel bombarded and attacked all of a sudden when things were perfect 5 minutes ago.

Sure, it may be frustrating because NT's have this non-verbal way of communicating, but if they wanted that then frankly they should've married another NT then.

And then to top it, a lot of them claim they were "duped" into a marriage. Seriously? The NT was "duped"? The self-proclaimed MASTERS of human communication were "tricked" that easily, by someone "pretending" to be an NT?

LOL :D
 
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