• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Pros and Cons of Being a Loner

Spotty01

Spotty01

Well-Known Member
Have I made a thread about this before? Either that or I've seen a similar one. Whatever, I didn't write out six paragraphs on my tablet for nothing and it's 3:30am (EST) so I'm kinda lacking the willpower to check.

I am a loner, I won't lie, and I'm sure plenty of people here can relate. Every once in a while, I long to have friends that I can hang out with, text/call/email, etc. but at the end of the day, I'm a loner through and through. Sometimes, I might wish I had more friends or someone to hang out with from time to time... only to quickly realize that I'd miss my freedom too much.

It seems my brain just can't make up its mind; I prefer being alone, the only social interaction I have being online, but it's like my brain keeps telling me it's wrong to be that way... okay, that made a lot more sense in my head.

Anyway, back to the topic proper. I'm a loner through and through, as I've previously stated, and I have been for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I enjoy it: it gives me more time to do what I want (does that make me sound selfish?) and sometimes, having a lot of social interaction can do you more harm than good. However, I sometimes get lonely, mostly regarding how the future will turn out due to my misanthropic mindset.

The point being, like for everything else, there are both pros and cons of the aforementioned lifestyle/mindset, a couple of which I've already mentioned. But I wanna hear what you guys have to say about it, what your opinion on this as a whole is and what you believe to be pros or cons of it.

And a somewhat psychological question to add onto it, is it "unhealthy", mentally, for someone to be this way? I hear a lot about how "humans are social creatures", which we are, but does being asocial (antisocial?) degrade on your mental health or something? I've always felt like the aforementioned quote has been shoved down my throat my whole life, but I really don't know what to think of it.

Maybe you folks can relate, maybe you can't, but that's what the replies are for.
 
I think one concern is, you may be a mammal, but not necessarily human.

In that 'human' is a social thing containing all the ideas that are the foundation of social values.

If i spend too much time alone, i try and do more work to try and maintain those values.. ie my personal moral,ethical standards,thos of the community and wider world.
If you dont spend any time amongst humans it is easier to dismiss them, so why not kill them without a second thought?

An extreme example perhaps but,in many ways i spent years and years alone.
Worked alone, avoided social interaction almost completely. So i was worried i wouldnt care or be that person so i made the effort to try and think in a balanced way, and not make my own thoughts all consuming.

If you only have you own thoughts to mirror back to you it becomes much easier to become deranged :)

Funnily enough,in a marriage, the same tning can happen. Each becomes the mirror of the other and you can walk down a path that separates you both from 'humanity'

Just a thought.
 
its to tiring to be gregarious i personally want to be cared for as an invalid nothing more let others produce more humans that destroy the unique precious earth
Spotty01 said:
Have I made a thread about this before? Either that or I've seen a similar one. Whatever, I didn't write out six paragraphs on my tablet for nothing and it's 3:30am (EST) so I'm kinda lacking the willpower to check.

I am a loner, I won't lie, and I'm sure plenty of people here can relate. Every once in a while, I long to have friends that I can hang out with, text/call/email, etc. but at the end of the day, I'm a loner through and through. Sometimes, I might wish I had more friends or someone to hang out with from time to time... only to quickly realize that I'd miss my freedom too much.

It seems my brain just can't make up its mind; I prefer being alone, the only social interaction I have being online, but it's like my brain keeps telling me it's wrong to be that way... okay, that made a lot more sense in my head.

Anyway, back to the topic proper. I'm a loner through and through, as I've previously stated, and I have been for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I enjoy it: it gives me more time to do what I want (does that make me sound selfish?) and sometimes, having a lot of social interaction can do you more harm than good. However, I sometimes get lonely, mostly regarding how the future will turn out due to my misanthropic mindset.

The point being, like for everything else, there are both pros and cons of the aforementioned lifestyle/mindset, a couple of which I've already mentioned. But I wanna hear what you guys have to say about it, what your opinion on this as a whole is and what you believe to be pros or cons of it.

And a somewhat psychological question to add onto it, is it "unhealthy", mentally, for someone to be this way? I hear a lot about how "humans are social creatures", which we are, but does being asocial (antisocial?) degrade on your mental health or something? I've always felt like the aforementioned quote has been shoved down my throat my whole life, but I really don't know what to think of it.

Maybe you folks can relate, maybe you can't, but that's what the replies are for.
Click to expand...
 
Hello Spotty01

Being a loner?
I don't know what being surrounded by friends would feel like and therefore have no comparison to weigh up both sides of a discussion.

I do know that I can get a bit distressed when in a room full of people. Too much information overloading my senses.
That said, I'm rarely connected on a meaningful level with said room full of people so they mean very little to me which brings me nicely to my next point about my husband and children.
In that sense I'm not alone and therefore not a loner however; Time on my own (and a fair amount of it) feels essential so that I cope. (Otherwise I can blow up like a volcano)
So it's a loner by choice.

I'm led to believe that we usually have a some sort of biological drive to be with others, perhaps for mating/continuation of the species, guarding resources, hunting, bonding and safety.
Also being with others may give us some sense of our own identity.
To date, for me, isolating myself completely for an extended period of time hasn't done me any favours so I'd have to say No, being a loner (completely cut off - no contact whatsoever with another - not even the internet) isn't healthy or recommended :)
 
Last edited:
I am a loner, but a forced one and for many years, I learned to enjoy my own company, but I guess as I get older, reality steps in and I fear being alone, despite the fact, that I am better on my own. The occasions I am not alone, I feel too surreal and so happy when the person leaves me alone, but I envy others, when I see how full their lives are.

I am married, but my husband is such a hard worker, that in fact, we spend VERY LITTLE time together and we do not have children. I am unable to go out on my own very far, due t chronic social anxiety and have not got a licence and so, truly have to rely on others.

I find that when I do get to spend time with people, I long to be back alone again.

I think if one is a loner, but has a great support system when the it is needed, is the good balance.

Even a when I do find I am ok with someone, I still have this burning need to be on my own. I guess it comes down to habits. Again, I have had no choice but to learn to accept my own company and so, instead of collapsing, I have found things to do that bring me pleasure on my own.

My husband's barbed wire comment is usually: you might as well be single, since all your pleasures are for a single person. But, well what does one expect, when they are left to their own devices and I mean: not see my husband from 7am to often 8pm and that was all week and occasionally, he would try to get away with working saturdays, but for some reason, I NEED to have company at the weekend.
 
Well if you're a loner you get a whole lot of time to make friends with the voices in your head. I think that's a pro. :p
 
Momo said:
Well if you're a loner you get a whole lot of time to make friends with the voices in your head. I think that's a pro. :p
Click to expand...

Yes, pleasant enough to be sure ;) ... all depends on what mood they're in and what they're saying :D
 
Humans, generally are social animals. True.
Not all humans are social animals. Also true.

There are dozens of examples from animals at large. Wolves being the first that comes to mind. But also elephants and dolphins have been observed as solitary and not part of a pack, herd or pod. The point being it is absolutely within the realm of human development that some people will be "loners."

That voice that says "it's wrong to be this way"... is social conditioning. Relative to mental health, the it is more unhealthy to force yourself to act against your inherent nature than to accept it and navigate the social world in a way that fits.

I know all this because I'm a loner, too. It took me a long time to accept and be comfortable with this.

As to "the future", let it take care of itself. For what it's worth, I'm married and have friends, so being a loner doesn't mean you're doomed to be alone the rest of your life.

Pros and Cons will have to wait until after work.
 
im a loner always have been,never had friends as a child/teen,i do have friends now i just dont do friend stuff with them unless its at the mencap social group i go to [we go to the gay village for a drink afterwards but i feel detached from the group] and that frustrates some of my friends but people are just generic objects to me-objects that blur into the background and dont have any meaning to me,i have no interest in interacting or communicating with people beyond getting my thoughts out on forums but thats more for stopping myself from self imploding from not expressing myself than gaining friends.
 
Spotty01 said:
Have I made a thread about this before? Either that or I've seen a similar one. Whatever, I didn't write out six paragraphs on my tablet for nothing and it's 3:30am (EST) so I'm kinda lacking the willpower to check.

I am a loner, I won't lie, and I'm sure plenty of people here can relate. Every once in a while, I long to have friends that I can hang out with, text/call/email, etc. but at the end of the day, I'm a loner through and through. Sometimes, I might wish I had more friends or someone to hang out with from time to time... only to quickly realize that I'd miss my freedom too much.

It seems my brain just can't make up its mind; I prefer being alone, the only social interaction I have being online, but it's like my brain keeps telling me it's wrong to be that way... okay, that made a lot more sense in my head.

Anyway, back to the topic proper. I'm a loner through and through, as I've previously stated, and I have been for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I enjoy it: it gives me more time to do what I want (does that make me sound selfish?) and sometimes, having a lot of social interaction can do you more harm than good. However, I sometimes get lonely, mostly regarding how the future will turn out due to my misanthropic mindset.

The point being, like for everything else, there are both pros and cons of the aforementioned lifestyle/mindset, a couple of which I've already mentioned. But I wanna hear what you guys have to say about it, what your opinion on this as a whole is and what you believe to be pros or cons of it.

And a somewhat psychological question to add onto it, is it "unhealthy", mentally, for someone to be this way? I hear a lot about how "humans are social creatures", which we are, but does being asocial (antisocial?) degrade on your mental health or something? I've always felt like the aforementioned quote has been shoved down my throat my whole life, but I really don't know what to think of it.

Maybe you folks can relate, maybe you can't, but that's what the replies are for.
Click to expand...
I used to be very hard on myself for not having a great social life - I was made to be aware from the time I was a kid that I wasn't popular, and that I would never be popular, and that that was something to be humiliated about - and then that's exactly how I was. In college, it severely damaged my self-esteem to not have many friends (which I wasn't even capable of learning how to make) - more so for feeling humiliated about it, like I was a failure, and as though other people saw and thought that about me, too. In truth - part of it was also because I would like to try new things and that seemed more safe and fun with people you could trust - and people are like mirrors, and it would make me feel better to have some smiling, accepting people around. What few experiences I did have with a few others were very valuable to me, so it was important for that - it can be hard to suddenly go off and do whatever you want on your own, and some things are just less safe or feel awkward to do alone, so I didn't like missing out on stuff like that - and it was sad to see everyone else having a grand old time totally full of doing fun and new things with friends on board. BUT: I also find socializing exhausting, and don't know how to do it right - it's like I am socially blind, or at least with very blurry social sight, so I'm constantly guessing, estimating, making mistakes, etc, and there are consequences from that. Plus, to have friends and a social life requires investment and commitment that seem beyond my capability thus far - I am always "flaking" out (really just don't have the inner resources), not attending things with people who want me to be there, etc. - and those things do matter socially - it's not just an "attend what you want, leave the rest" kind of thing - people really expect this give and take, which I'm not good at and don't like and find stressful and exhausting.

For me the solution is just a few solid people I can converse with, even if they are long-distance, or write to; a significant other (my husband); a community setting where I can go and not be considered weird and choose my level of involvement (my church); and not being hated at work (I'm still working on that - people seem to really eye me and try to figure me out at work, and there are always bullies). I do want to try to resolve my inner tensions and issues more, and I think that would give me more energey and emotional resources to devote to friendship/social commitments.
 
It been this way my whole life. I had parents and other grown ups during my childhood said I should connect with people but most people don't accept me. Even during my adult life it hard for someone willing to accept me. It makes things harder as most common things people are into don't interest me. The last 5 years I learned how to enjoy things being alone. It nice I'm able to manage so I don't need to depend on people. I learned most people are not dependable including family. I know this is not the case for everyone, but this is how my life have been.
 
I have been a loner my whole life too. People tend to dislike me, and I don't like other people in my "personal space" meaning my house and my car. My mom hired a maid to clean my place since I'm incapable of doing it myself, and when the maid arrives I go out for a drive until she's gone. In middle age I can see the benefits of being a loner and outsider. I see NT's doing really dumb stuff so they won't be alone, they will hook up with really awful people, they will spend money they don't have in order to "experience" things with other people. I prefer being alone if that's the alternative.
 
Pros:

I can do what I want, when I want, and how I want, without worry of criticism, rejection and drama, if I live alone. There is less responsibilities, in terms of taking on other people's issues. Life is much more peaceful and calming.

Cons:

Living alone, can make me a bit lonely and depressed at times. I will do less interesting things in life and go to less fun places, without another or others in my life. I will have to do those anxious activities and responsibilities myself.
 
@Spotty01
"Have I made a thread about this before? "

If, by some chance, that was a serious question,
here is how you can find out.

To check your own content:
Go to your Profile Page.
Click on the tab "Postings"

That will show you what you have Posted.
If you want to see every Thread you have ever started,
Click "Postings" and Scroll to the bottom of the page.
See where it says "Find all content by Spotty01 * Find all threads by Spotty01"?

Choose threads, if you want to see all the threads you have started.

That way you won't have to rely on other people
to tell you what you have done. :)
 
Suzanne said:
I am a loner, but a forced one and for many years, I learned to enjoy my own company, but I guess as I get older, reality steps in and I fear being alone, despite the fact, that I am better on my own. The occasions I am not alone, I feel too surreal and so happy when the person leaves me alone, but I envy others, when I see how full their lives are.

I am married, but my husband is such a hard worker, that in fact, we spend VERY LITTLE time together and we do not have children. I am unable to go out on my own very far, due t chronic social anxiety and have not got a licence and so, truly have to rely on others.

I find that when I do get to spend time with people, I long to be back alone again.

I think if one is a loner, but has a great support system when the it is needed, is the good balance.

Even a when I do find I am ok with someone, I still have this burning need to be on my own. I guess it comes down to habits. Again, I have had no choice but to learn to accept my own company and so, instead of collapsing, I have found things to do that bring me pleasure on my own.

My husband's barbed wire comment is usually: you might as well be single, since all your pleasures are for a single person. But, well what does one expect, when they are left to their own devices and I mean: not see my husband from 7am to often 8pm and that was all week and occasionally, he would try to get away with working saturdays, but for some reason, I NEED to have company at the weekend.
Click to expand...

I totally agree. I was okay with being a loner in my early years but the older I get the more I wish I had the ability to have friends and share time with others.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom