Penpal Relationships

[Chris34]

Hello!
It's been a while since I posted a comment or a thread, but now I have a very important issue I feel the need to discuss with the community.
I've met this girl from Ukraine (but lives in France at the moment), since like early January of this year. She's very attractive, smart and kind. We've been exchanging letters, postcards and gifts for like 4 months now, the last thing she sent me was a postcard with her perfume on it.
Now we have switched to whatsapp (this requested by her because she wanted to send me some pictures of her, which she did, like 10 pictures of her I believe).
I enjoy talking to her because she has a very warm and funny personality, she also has a similar way of thinking as mine. I don't know how to properly put it but I'm getting interested in her.

So, does anyone has ever had this kind of experience? What did you do if you felt attracted at some point? Do you think that deep and serious feelings can be developed in this way? Should I stop worrying about screwing it up with her?

Thank you for your comments!

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I've had long distance friendships but not long distance romantic relationships so bear in mind this is just my opinion with no long distance relationship experience (though i have had in person relationship experience). i don't really see how a long distance romantic relationship can work to be honest, i can definitely believe its possible to develop feelings for someone else long distance but at some point the distance will become too much of a hindrance and the relationship wont be able to grow without closing the distance and becoming closer in person. if it continues to go well be prepared to take it to the next level and meet in person, and also bear in mind someone may be very different in person and you may no longer be interested..

 

[nowwhat]

Things often can start this way, but as Jonathan pointed out, meeting the entire person can be very different. One, or both of you might not be into the other. But, risks sometimes pay off, so it might be something to work toward. Also try not to be naive. Expect and hope for nothing at this point, but continue as long as it seems to be possible that the relationship will transform into something more complete. Until the relationship has a good real-life trial period, take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Cali Cat]

I've had two long distance relationships online. One worked out very well for a long time. Six years in fact, and we are still friends today. The other one, not so much. I don't think it had anything to do with the relationship starting online though, simply because the second fellow was actually more who I thought he would be when I met him in real life than the first fellow was. I just refused to see the red flags that were there, or imagined I could handle it. I was seriously in love with that man, and still am.

I think the key is to be honest with yourself. Don't let your imagination develop too many preconceived notions of who this person is. Also, don't deceive yourself about any negative qualities you notice in her communications. In these situations, you have to be completely upfront with yourself.

You have to remember, a couple of hundred years ago, and maybe even less, people used to write to each other back and forth, and then decide to marry based on their communications. It's really not so unusual. At least these days, a couple can visit each other before they decide to get married in long distance relationships.

 

[eonbus]

they can work, but after a while, they are not meaningful.

 

[Cali Cat]

they can work, but after a while, they are not meaningful.

I must beg to differ on this point. Both of my long distance relationships were very meaningful. I had some of the best times of my life with the first man. We traveled extensively together, and had great fun. For me, the relationship came to a natural conclusion when we grew apart. I never thought it was forever anyway.

The second relationship was different. I did think it would be forever, until my Asperger's issues prevented me from handling my lover's needy personality. Still, I'm not 100% sure we won't try it again in the future, since we are both still in love.

Even if a relationship remains forever online and never makes it into real life, I still believe it can be meaningful depending on the parties involved. Sometimes it might even be better than being in close physical proximity. Certainly no stress of dealing with the lover's negative qualities. As long as you take it for what it is, any human interaction can be meaningful in my opinion.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the first thing to be concerned with is that you are not being "catfished". Try to determine that whatever she represents herself as is genuine. Otherwise you could be in for quite a disappointment no matter what your feeling for such a person might be.

Yes, I have been a victim of long-term catfishing...many years ago before it became somewhat easy to determine if someone is lying to you. From 1992 to 1997. Of course she left out one minor detail....having gotten married in 1995.

 

[eonbus]

Again catfish. This is why online penpals aren't always great.

 

[hiraeth]

I've had 5 relationship partners in my life and all of them I had originally met through the internet.

Being someone who is very unskilled in body language I am not sure that otherwise could ever work for me.

Asexual, in case that matters.

 

[Chris34]

I've had two long distance relationships online. One worked out very well for a long time. Six years in fact, and we are still friends today. The other one, not so much. I don't think it had anything to do with the relationship starting online though, simply because the second fellow was actually more who I thought he would be when I met him in real life than the first fellow was. I just refused to see the red flags that were there, or imagined I could handle it. I was seriously in love with that man, and still am.

I think the key is to be honest with yourself. Don't let your imagination develop too many preconceived notions of who this person is. Also, don't deceive yourself about any negative qualities you notice in her communications. In these situations, you have to be completely upfront with yourself.

You have to remember, a couple of hundred years ago, and maybe even less, people used to write to each other back and forth, and then decide to marry based on their communications. It's really not so unusual. At least these days, a couple can visit each other before they decide to get married in long distance relationships.

Yes, and also I'm trying not to make my hopes too high or imagine things that are now far away from happening. It's just that maybe I was a little excited to finally find someone with whom I felt very related. Maybe that led me astray and got me thinking and worrying more than I should. I guess that I have to be honest with her and just be myself.

But what really worries me is doing something that might offend her or make her lose interest or something like that. I don't know how to properly say it. That's a big fear of mine. It is the first time I find someone like her. And on top I'm very bad at relationships, I just don't know what to do or say. It's very frustrating :S

 

[Chris34]

Perhaps the first thing to be concerned with is that you are not being "catfished". Try to determine that whatever she represents herself as is genuine. Otherwise you could be in for quite a disappointment no matter what your feeling for such a person might be.

Yes, I have been a victim of long-term catfishing...many years ago before it became somewhat easy to determine if someone is lying to you. From 1992 to 1997. Of course she left out one minor detail....having gotten married in 1995.

Oh yes! That's one thing I tried to make sure at first, I'm sure she's not a fake. Both her messages and little things I tried to make sure she was genuine confirmed that for me. I was skeptic at first, but luckily that has been solved.

 

[Chris34]

Also, as most have mentioned, bearing in mind that long distance relationships demand more work I guess I'll have to take it slowl and calm. Rusing to something might lead to disaster. It's just that I can't stop worrying about it, it doesn't take the sleep off me or make me anxious but when I talk to her I get nervous and overthink my responses. In your opinion, how can I avoid that? Or how can I stay calm and relaxed when talking to her?

 

[Judge]

Oh yes! That's one thing I tried to make sure at first, I'm sure she's not a fake. Both her messages and little things I tried to make sure she was genuine confirmed that for me. I was skeptic at first, but luckily that has been solved.

Have you video chatted with her? Have you sent her any money at all, or has she requested as such?

Of course for someone being a foreigner in another country it would be difficult to really investigate her to any length...even if she looks and sounds the part.

 

[Cali Cat]

But what really worries me is doing something that might offend her or make her lose interest or something like that. I don't know how to properly say it. That's a big fear of mine. It is the first time I find someone like her. And on top I'm very bad at relationships, I just don't know what to do or say. It's very frustrating :S

Try to relax and be yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you owe it to the relationship to be genuine. If you make a mistake, and she's the kind of friend you think she is, she will forgive you. If she doesn't, then you will know it's not worth pursuing anyway.

One word of caution: sometimes, in trying too hard, we make mistakes that we wouldn't have if we were more relaxed. So, just be yourself as much as you can.

 

[Chris34]

Have you video chatted with her? Have you sent her any money at all, or has she requested as such?

Formal video chat no, but we've send pictures and voice messages. She hasn't asked for money, nor she has never implied something like that. She in fact tells me not too spend too much on my letters, she would be happy by only having the letter in her hands.

 

[Chris34]

Try to relax and be yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you owe it to the relationship to be genuine. If you make a mistake, and she's the kind of friend you think she is, she will forgive you. If she doesn't, then you will know it's not worth pursuing anyway.

One word of caution: sometimes, in trying too hard, we make mistakes that we wouldn't have if we were more relaxed. So, just be yourself as much as you can.

Thank you very much! I will try to make it happen as best as I can. Staying relaxed and calm And let time confirm or deny what will happen later

 

[Judge]

Formal video chat no, but we've send pictures and voice messages. She hasn't asked for money, nor she has never implied something like that. She in fact tells me not too spend too much on my letters, she would be happy by only having the letter in her hands.

I exchanged lots of letters with the person I mentioned as well. Even spoke to her on the phone. Of course on both counts, she had my mailing address and my phone number. I could not call her on the phone and she had only a post office box address. Really dumb on my part...but back in the early 90s I don't think "catfishing" was even a slang term yet. At the time I never imagined how-or why people would be so deceitful.

Funny to see all the pictures she sent me of her. At times they seemed to reflect two different persons.

Find a way to do the video chat. Nev and Max of MTV's "Catfish" swear by this as a red flag when a person is unwilling to try. Even if they claim they can't afford it.

 

[Cali Cat]

when I talk to her I get nervous and overthink my responses. In your opinion, how can I avoid that? Or how can I stay calm and relaxed when talking to her?

Nervousness of this sort is normal in the beginnings of a new relationship. I don't have any solutions for it other than to breathe deep and try to be as genuine as you can. Be honest in your responses, but don't go into too many details, at least not until you know her better.

 

[Chris34]

I exchanged lots of letters with the person I mentioned as well. Even spoke to her on the phone. Of course on both counts, she had my mailing address and my phone number. I could not call her on the phone and she had only a post office box address. Really dumb on my part...but back in the early 90s I don't think "catfishing" was even a slang term yet. At the time I never imagined how-or why people would be so deceitful.

Funny to see all the pictures she sent me of her. At times they seemed to reflect two different persons.

Find a way to do the video chat. Nev and Max of MTV's "Catfish" swear by this as a red flag when a person is unwilling to try. Even if they claim they can't afford it.

Don't you think it's too soon to ask her that. I mean we chat on Whatsapp and still send letters. But I feel like it's like telling her that I'm very interested in her and she might freak out or something.... what do you think?

 

[Judge]

Don't you think it's too soon to ask her that. I mean we chat on Whatsapp and still send letters. But I feel like it's like telling her that I'm very interested in her and she might freak out or something.... what do you think?

That's a good question. However it strikes me as the sort of question that only you can answer, in interpreting her intent to communicate with you. It can be quite difficult if mostly all you have are words to determine feelings.

If you aren't sure I'd think that would be pretty good reason to remain low-key about your own feelings for the timed being. But the important thing is just to remain cautious...and trying not to project such concern to her in as much as is possible. By all means, take care of yourself...but not at the expense of threatening whatever friendship exists between the two of you.

If you aren't exchanging money, gifts, personal identity concerns or affection, you don't have a lot to lose. But if you definitely sense the relationship mutually moving beyond a friendship, that's your queue that you need to verify who you are dealing with.