NT confesses love to an aspie and creates confusion

[crisscross]

Dear community,

Recently I became aquainted with a man in his mid thirties, appearing quite normal, maybe behaving a little bit awkward. We usually meet in a business context and regularly work together two hours face-to-face, with no other people in the room.

He used to be very nervous when we were together but during our work the nervousness eased every time. But the next time we met he was nervous again. Not realizing that he could be an aspie I thought the nervousness could be because he liked me as a woman. It happens that I attract men although i do not intend that.

He is a handsome and smart guy and I kind of developed a pretty huge crush on him. The feeling went stronger every time I met him. We had pretty much eye contact together and smiled or laughed very often. So we had a really pleasant time together. After a few meetings I decided to ask him to meet me privately. I suggested to visit a museum together.

The moment I asked him he seemed startled, became nervous and uncomfortable. I sensed that he felt not longer good again. But we made an appointment, met at the museum and had two drinks afterwards. During the afternoon I realized that he didn't ask questions about me and my background. I had to do most of the conversation and the topic finding. He answered my questions, but made almost no approach to keep the conversation running further.

I felt not good at this day (headache) and missed some opportunities to deepen interesting topics with further questions. Despite this there were some beautiful moments, I felt we had somehow the same wavelength. But in the end his "not making much conversation" destroyed my confidence and the next day my feelings for him were terribly confused and desperated.

Still not realizing he could have aspergers I wrote him a message that I like him very much, have strong emotions for him and think a lot of him. To make things worse, I told him that I am in a relationship and therefore are confused about everything.

I knew at this moment that the message was wrong but I couldn't help myself with something different. I asked him for his feelings, telling him that I only pretended to have no romantic interest in him as I stated that I was looking for an approach to friendship. He answered that there were no romantic interest on his part. He apologized to have caused such distress to me and didn't intend to make me feel ill at ease. In some way he seems to blame himself for the situation. He cancelled our next business appointment and wrote that he wasn't sure how to proceed our business relationship. He had to think some time to decide about that.

After that I wrote an email that we should behave like grown-up people and that things like just that can happen. We met again twice, I suppose not coincidentally. He knows when I arrive/leave his company. The first time he only smiled shyly when talking to a person next to me. The other time I asked him if he knew now how to proceed. He told me he needs much more time to think. He was quite nervous and uncomfortable but looked me in the eyes and finally smiled.

After that I began to realize he could have aspergers. I analyzed his behavior during our private meeting and everything afterwards. His confusion in my presence is so intense now, so untypical for an NT. A neurotypical who rejects a woman must not be nervous afterwards. I strongly suppose he could have a mild asperger syndrome. His interests and the kind of work he does support my supposition.

Now my questions:
A) I know now that I did everything wrong with him but do you think it is possible that he will overcome the situation and continue our work? I feel he kind of likes me, despite his statement to have no romantic interest in me.

B) Imagine he comes to a positive solution and decides to continue our work together. The work atmosphere before our private meeting was definitely very pleasant and he felt comfortable with me, despite some amount of nervousness. Do you think he could like me as a real friend after some time? Or even like me more than as a friend after some time has gone by?

I know you aspies are different and nobody can give me a definite "forecast". But could you please state your opinion or give me some advice how not to hurt or confuse him any more.

I am thankful for every advice or opinion/statement.

Best, Crisscross

 

[Suzanne]

You totally confused him. He thought he was being ask out as a someone that enjoyed his company, not because she fancied him.

What you have to try and understand is that we truly struggle with the concept of friendships and often find that we are looking in on a friendship and never asked to join and so when someone is: asking us to not just look in, but asking to be a friend, we tend to jump in, but also feel incredably shy, due to the environment change; at work, he is in his comfort zone and can relax as he is there to do a job. Not once did he read that you fancied him. When you declared how you felt, honestly it was like a bombshell to him, but he is still a guy and therefore, cannot help but feel flattered.

He is blessed that he can shorten a long story lol

I do not want to sound nasty here, but wonder if, at all possible, you have come a little bit too secure in your looks? Because you are attractive to guys, do you imagine that every good looking guy is going to recipricate how you feel?

Also, really confusing, because you say you are in a relationship anyway. Perhaps you ought to swing your attention to your relationship, instead of our aspie friend?

Oh and if he is an aspie and is quite high on the spectrum, he probably did not even try to read you, because he couldn't. Female aspies tend to be a bit better and learning how to read someone.

 

[Tom]

It's only a supposition he has Aspergers. Perhaps he shy/reserved for other reasons. One thing I noted was that he looks you in the eye frequently and long. That is not a typical Aspergers trait (although no one trait is universal and there are exceptions).

 

[Judge]

Socially juggling both work and a possible relationship can be emotionally overwhelming for an Aspie. I know, I've been there.

You may have to be patient, keep things on an even keel so he can adjust and catch his breath. This is the sort of thing that seems like no big deal to Neurotypicals. But for us...it puts us on a near overload on sensory input. Especially if we didn't really see it coming in the first place.

Despite such potential explanations...it remains to be seen if this person is likely on the spectrum of autism. Perhaps you can provide us with more clues. Though in any event, we can't necessarily perform any professional degree of diagnosis.

 

[Mia]

It seems from your description of your meetings, that you have become interested in him. Does he present a challenge to you somehow? Not being at all interested in you on a more personal level? You have mentioned that you are already in a relationship, is it somehow an unsatisfying one, that leads you to look for other potential candidates?

If he says that he is not interested in you in any romantic way, then he is being honest. His interpersonal skills are learned, things such as smiling and looking you in the eyes. They don't mean anything more than socially learned interaction for business purposes. Seems as if there is nothing there, other than politeness.

 

[crisscross]

Hi Suzanne, Mia, Judge and Tom,

thanks you a lot for your answers! I understand a bit more now. At some time he stated that he has much time in his free time, I interpreted this as a kind of confession that he has no partner. We have also to overcome a cultural gap, he is British, I am German.

Suzanne: Thank you a lot for your explanations about the aspie concept of friendship! If he is one that perfectly fits into the situation. By the way, I am not so sure about my looks as it seems here ;-) I usually make a lot of intense eye contacts (I do that without intention, it belongs to my personality) and I suppose that's the thing. To be honest I have no clue if he likes my appearance or not.

Mia and Suzanne: You are completely right to criticize my feelings for him being in a relationship. There is a lack of deepness in my relationship I must admit. And I developed feelings that I can't fight down. He fascinates me and I am only human.

Tom: Yes, he makes a lot of eye contact, looked me in the eyes and smiled or laughed. So if you say this is untypical for aspies he maybe isn't one. I only tried to find explanations for his disinterest and not at all making conversation during our private meeting. A NT makes conversation even if he is not interested in a woman.

Judge: His job is to work with big data, to calculate and do statistics. It is very important for him to catch his bus at the same time. He moves a bit peculiar, makes short steps and fast movements. His hair and clothes are quite hip, but not too much. He never has taken any chocolate or chewing gum I offered to him. He is sensitive to smells and bright light, also to situations with too much people. He seems to have good contacts with his fellow colleagues at work. With them he is not at all shy and I have the impression that he is much liked.

 

[Tom]

It's hard to sort things out with people, if they have a mental condition or are just exhibiting exaggerated but more or less normal behaviors. Even medical professionals often have difficulty and get it wrong. Quite a few things you mention are Aspie-like and a few not. I think it's best in these situations to try and keep your mind open to different possibilities. Currently, it seems that any time anyone acts odd Aspergers is brought up. And sometimes its the case and sometimes its something else.

Of all the things you mentioned, I find his being completely passive in conversation on your outings as most unusual. Aspies certainly can get tongue-tied in social situations, but usually by that age and experience know how to carry on conversations. HFAs are not stuck at one stage of development just on a longer learning curve in many ways. Do you know if he has been in relationships before?

Another common 'marker', but certainly not universal, is 'special interests'. Does he have any subjects or activities he is very intensely interested in, and can talk about forever?

 

[Vanadium50]

Dear community,

Recently I became aquainted with a man in his mid thirties, appearing quite normal, maybe behaving a little bit awkward. We usually meet in a business context and regularly work together two hours face-to-face, with no other people in the room.

He used to be very nervous when we were together but during our work the nervousness eased every time. But the next time we met he was nervous again. Not realizing that he could be an aspie I thought the nervousness could be because he liked me as a woman. It happens quite frequently that I attract men although i do not intend that.

He is a handsome and smart guy and to make a long story short, I kind of developed a pretty huge crush on him. The feeling went stronger every time I met him. We had a lot of eye contact together and smiled or laughed very often. So we had a really pleasant time together. After a few meetings I decided to ask him to meet me privately. I suggested to visit a museum together.

The moment I asked him he seemed startled, became nervous and uncomfortable. I sensed that he felt not longer good again. But we made an appointment, met at the museum and had two drinks afterwards. During the afternoon I realized that he didn't ask a question about me and my background. I had to do all the conversation and the topic finding what was quite tiring for me. He made almost no approach to keep the conversation running and took not much interest in me. Despite this there were some beautiful moments. But his behavior destroyed my confidence and the next day my feelings for him were getting confused and desperated.

Still not realizing he could have aspergers I wrote him a message that I like him very much, have strong emotions for him and think a lot of him. I told him that I am in a relationship and therefore are confused about everything.

I knew at this moment that the message was wrong but I couldn't help myself with something different. I asked him for his opinion. Thankfully he answered quickly to my request and said that he had no romantic interest in me (I used that term in my email). He apologized to have caused distress to me and cancelled our next business appointment. He wrote that he wasn't sure to proceed our business relationship and that he must think some time to decide about it.

After that I wrote an email that we should behave like grown-up people and that things like that can happen. We met again twice, I can't believe this happened coincidentally. He knows when I arrive and leave his company. The first time we only smiled a bit shyly at each other when he was talking to a person next to me. The other time I asked him if he knew how to proceed. He told me he needs more time to think. He was quite nervous and uncomfortable but looked me in the eyes and smiled anyhow.

After that I began to realize that he could have aspergers. I analyzed his behavior during our private meeting and everything afterwards. His confusion is so intense, I never experienced that in a neurotypical person. I suppose now that he must have a mild asperger syndrome. His interests and the kind of work he does support my supposition.

Now my questions:
A) I know now that I did everything wrong with him but do you think it is possible that he will overcome the situation and continue our work? I feel he kind of likes me, despite his statement to have no romantic interest in me.

B) Imagine he comes to a positive solution and decides to continue our work together. Do you think he could like me as a real friend after some time? Or even like me more than as a friend after some time?

I know aspies are very different and nobody can give me a definite "forecast" of course. But could you please state your opinion or give me some advice how not to hurt or confuse him any more. Is it better to leave him alone and not ask for his decision or to rationalize and explain my feelings to him. What could make the decision easier for him?

I am thankful for every advice or opinion/statement.

Best, Crisscross

All I can say is that man is both lucky and stupid. I wish some girl was to approach ME and confess love to ME, I would totally grab that chance no matter who she is. But I don't get that luck, HE did, and he doesn't appreciate it. Maybe I am being punished for the guys like him: since there are too many aspies of his kind the girls assume I would do the same thing he did and don't give me a chance to show otherwise. Then when I complain about it I am told "why don't you approach women yourself", well I can't do THAT. But what I CAN do is respond when THEY approach me. Yet I am being asked to do something impossible over something super easy -- all as a punishment for the fact that the guys LIKE HIM are being cold as stone.

 

[Suzanne]

It's only a supposition he has Aspergers. Perhaps he shy/reserved for other reasons. One thing I noted was that he looks you in the eye frequently and long. That is not a typical Aspergers trait (although no one trait is universal and there are exceptions).

True, true enough! I think that not being able to look one in the eyes for long, is a definite aspie trait. I also agree that just because he has similar traits, does not make him an aspie.

 

[crisscross]

All I can say is that man is both lucky and stupid. I wish some girl was to approach ME and confess love to ME, I would totally grab that chance no matter who she is. But I don't get that luck, HE did, and he doesn't appreciate it. Maybe I am being punished for the guys like him: since there are too many aspies of his kind the girls assume I would do the same thing he did and don't give me a chance to show otherwise.

Dear Vanadium50,

I understand your point, but we can never be in somebody else's shoes - who knows with what things he is struggling. I wish he could think like you and just give our acquaintance a chance.

But don't get frustrated or disaffected about the women around you. I am not sure that you can make guys like him (...cold as stone) responsible for your situation that no women or girls approach you. At least he gave me the impression that he liked me as a woman via his eyes (and of course there must have been some misinterpretation by me). Or he is not really honest in everything he did or said (and that gives a clue he is no aspie...?).

Maybe you could try more eye contact and smiles with girls you like or ask them about their interests and what they like to do at work or in their free time. Please make small steps and try to be a little more brave every day. If girls realize that you could like them, maybe one of them will approach you.

 

[crisscross]

Of all the things you mentioned, I find his being completely passive in conversation on your outings as most unusual. Aspies certainly can get tongue-tied in social situations, but usually by that age and experience know how to carry on conversations. HFAs are not stuck at one stage of development just on a longer learning curve in many ways. Do you know if he has been in relationships before?

Another common 'marker', but certainly not universal, is 'special interests'. Does he have any subjects or activities he is very intensely interested in, and can talk about forever?

Hi Tom,

I don't know if he had relationships before. Yes, that would be really interesting to know. Also I didn't find out definite information about his special interests. But for sure it is maths, sports, music and computers, maybe history. But he never displayed that he would like to talk endlessly about these topics. The most time he spoke about sports.

It takes a few weeks, maybe he sticks to our business appointment. Then I provide further information if possible.

Thank you for your opinion! I appreciate every information I can get.
CrissCross

 

[crisscross]

When I visited his company yesterday (exactly the same times and days weekly) he seems to be around were I am. That was not the case before my confession.

But yesterday he did not speak to me, but looked away. I can't help myself to think that he could be interested in me, maybe he has changed his mind? And there is one thing he did not say the truth about, I know now for sure.

But you aspies say that you always tell the truth. So maybe he has no asperger syndrome? Do you, dear aspies, really really always tell the truth, without exeptions? Do you never act strategically?

Best,
Crisscross

 

[Tom]

The level of autism one has might be a factor, but in my opinion there is a tendency for aspies to favor the truth, but it is far from absolute.

Aspies tend to prefer things straightforward as social interactions are confusing.

From my experience and interaction with other aspies (or people who believe they are) they will certainly lie if it seems needful to do so (ie, to gain more time to raise rent money, spare someone's feelings) and some do lie 'strategically' as you put it. We are human after all.

 

[crisscross]

Another important question to all aspies reading this:

Does it generally scare you if a person you like but know only for a short time, tells you (out of the blue) that he/she has a romantic interest in you? Does the word "romantic" scare you?

 

[garnetflower13]

IMO, and going by past experiences, if a person that I knew for only a short time tells me "out of the blue" that they have a romantic interest in me, I would be very suspicious; especially if we haven't been dating or interacting regularly. I would also suspect that they are wanting to sleep with me and hope to bowl me over with flowery declarations. Just my two cents.

 

[Sylar]

crisscross I'll start off by saying it's not confirmed that guy is an aspie or on the scectrum at all, it's equally as likely that he has an anxiety issue, or has nothing wrong with him and he's just shy. As for your questions:

A) I know now that I did everything wrong with him but do you think it is possible that he will overcome the situation and continue our work? I feel he kind of likes me, despite his statement to have no romantic interest in me.

You didn't do anything wrong, you stated your feelings clearly which is the best thing to do and also one of the toughest. But reading your story it doesn't sound like he has any interest in you and never did anything to send that message. I'll expand on this later. It is possible he'll move past this and continue working with you, especially if you worked well together before. If the work doesn't require a certain relationship (e.g working in a creative area might mean working with a certain person because the 2 people can open up and bring out the best ideas) then it's also possible he can work with another person to get the job done while you end up working with a different person.

B) Imagine he comes to a positive solution and decides to continue our work together. The work atmosphere before our private meeting was definitely very pleasant and he felt comfortable with me, despite some amount of nervousness. Do you think he could like me as a real friend after some time? Or even like me more than as a friend after some time has gone by?

I think the real question is do you think you can continue working with him? I've never been on a date, let alone had a relationship but I can imagine it'd be tough seeing someone you have feelings for regularly and know nothing will come from them. You're already entertaining the idea that he can change his mind by asking the second question. Why torture yourself like that if you can both move on and work with others? As for him smiling when he sees you in passing, that could very well be him being polite rather than showing an interest.

I know you aspies are different and nobody can give me a definite "forecast". But could you please state your opinion or give me some advice how not to hurt or confuse him any more.

As I said you took the best course of action by making things known instead of leaving him trying to figure things out. All I can say now is to not keep pushing. He said he needs time to think about it so let him. Constantly asking him if he's decided will only make him uncomfortable. At most I would contact him one more time telling him that the work environment will remain the same as it always was if he chooses to continue working with you and you hope for that to happen again, but only if you can work with him without trying to become friends or form a romantic relationship.

You said you're in a relationship so I'd start putting my energy into thinking about that rather than you're co-worker if I were you. Are you happy in the relationship? If not, is it something that can be fixed by talking or is it a loveless relationship (on one of or both of your parts) that is going nowhere? You need to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not because it's not fair to both of you if you're only in it to be in it. And it's less painful for your partner to hear you want to break up because there's nothing there anymore than it would be to hear you're leaving for another man, either the man in your story or a different person down the line.

Now to expand on what I said before, are there any other details you can share? Because right now it sounds like he's done nothing to suggest he's interested in you? What made you think he was, and how did your feelings for him start exactly? Was it just the possibility of him finding you attractive that got you excited and lead you to start thinking out it?

How well do you actually know him and how much did he talk to you? From your post it sounds like he didn't share or open up much and going from that, I'm picturing someone who doesn't say much unless it's work related. Is your relationship purely professional or more friendly?

I know your feelings are strong enough for you to share them with him and us but are they real? I'm only asking because all of these signs that he was interested look to be something you inferred and if he says he's not interested then clearly he wasn't sending out the signals. Are you sure this isn't some crush or an infatuation that'll pass after a period of time? Do you know enough about him to have feelings for him or are are they for the idea of him that you imagined? Perhaps it's all just a fantasy because you thought there was some interest there that maybe you're not getting in your current relationship, and that has left you desiring something that has been attached to this guy because of a shared starting point.

We don't have many details and we weren't there so I really don't know. I would just say you need to think about your feelings for this man and what they mean. I would also completely forget about this to think about the current state of your relationship and figure out what you want to do with that and your future without this man clouding your judgement. In any case it sounds like the best thing to do would be to move on from this even if it will be difficult. The man isn't interested and while people can change their minds, it's not healthy for you to keep waiting and hoping that that day might come. Move on and if some day it happens then it happens.

 

[Sylar]

Then when I complain about it I am told "why don't you approach women yourself", well I can't do THAT.

So change things so you can. I'm 24, I've never had a girlfriend or a job. I never had friends in school or college because I never spoke to anyone. I left college in 2011 and since then have done nothing with my life. I've only left the house 5 times this year. I've spent almost every day in the last 4 years wanting to kill myself and drinking heavily just to be able to stop thinking. Last month I started feeling better and now I'm fed up of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and I'm doing something to change it.

We all have problems that can get in the way of our lives, (in my case it's social anxiety) but they will never be able to stop us from living. It's going to be a slow and difficult process but you can get to a point where you CAN approach women if you're willing to put in the effort. Stop making excuses and do it because our problems aren't going to magically disappear on their own. You're a Christian so you should believe that God created all emotions for you to experience, so experience them. Approach a woman, you might feel scared but that's what makes you Human. Even if you're rejected you'll have felt and experienced something, and I'm sure you'll still feel a thrill afterwards just for doing it that will still make the fear worth it.

This is what I was trying to get at in your approaching women thread. Make yourself happy because it's not going to fall into place in front of you. Getting a girlfriend won't fix all the insecurities you have about yourself, only you can do that. For the sake of not derailing this thread for a topic that already has a thread, I ask that if you want to reply to this post please do it in a PM or in your own thread that's already up.

 

[Tom]

If I wasn't romantically interested in return, yes it could easily scare me off.

If I was interested, I would be a bit taken aback as typically (in my own sphere) it is the guy that does the initiating. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, its just not what I am used to. It wouldn't scare me off, but I would be more cautious at first I think.

 

[Judge]

Another important question to all aspies reading this:

Does it generally scare you if a person you like but know only for a short time, tells you (out of the blue) that he/she has a romantic interest in you?

No. If I really like them, it's downright flattering. Saves me that many more awkward moments.

Does the word "romantic" scare you?

Yes. I'm not particularly romantic. And it's something I found all my NT girlfriends expected to some degree.

 

[crisscross]

Thank you so much, Sylar, for the effort you put in your answer!! Yes, perhaps he is "only" very shy and has to deal with anxiety when he encounters women.

I think the real question is do you think you can continue working with him? I've never been on a date, let alone had a relationship but I can imagine it'd be tough seeing someone you have feelings for regularly and know nothing will come from them. You're already entertaining the idea that he can change his mind by asking the second question. Why torture yourself like that if you can both move on and work with others? As for him smiling when he sees you in passing, that could very well be him being polite rather than showing an interest.

What I do at his company is a sort of consulting / teaching thing. It is tailor-made for every employee and his / her special needs. He could choose another consultant, but if I stopped working with him I just lose the assignment and have to explain why. I think I could cope with my feelings because the time together is limited.

You said you're in a relationship so I'd start putting my energy into thinking about that rather than you're co-worker if I were you. Are you happy in the relationship? If not, is it something that can be fixed by talking or is it a loveless relationship (on one of or both of your parts) that is going nowhere? You need to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not because it's not fair to both of you if you're only in it to be in it.

Actually in my relationship there is not really a problem. I experience a lack of emotional deepness with my partner. At the moment I think he is a bit shallow, but actually he does everything right. I think everything is just in my head and if I decide to love him like before everything will be good again. I just don't understand myself at the moment.

Now to expand on what I said before, are there any other details you can share? Because right now it sounds like he's done nothing to suggest he's interested in you? What made you think he was, and how did your feelings for him start exactly? Was it just the possibility of him finding you attractive that got you excited and lead you to start thinking out it?

How well do you actually know him and how much did he talk to you? From your post it sounds like he didn't share or open up much and going from that, I'm picturing someone who doesn't say much unless it's work related. Is your relationship purely professional or more friendly?

The relationship with him is professional but the time together felt almost like friendship for me. Maybe he sensed that differently. Yes, he gave me the impression to like me as a woman right from the start. From the very beginning of our work he was scanning my body when he thought I was not looking. Together with his displayed nervousness I interpreted he could be interested in me (Why? This is the usual typical combination that gives a clue that a NT-male is interested in a woman, but shy). I realized that but in the beginning it meant nothing to me. After some time my feelings changed and I really don't know why.

I guess it was the kind of looks he gave me during our teaching: They were so unbelievable soft and warm and the way he laughed at me seemed affectionate to me. Now he apologizes for the disteress he caused me. I ask myself: Does he feel guilty that I developed feelings for him? Has he drawn back because he doesn't want to interfere with my relationship? Maybe he realized that he de-facto showed me something that I could interprete as genuine interest in me. If I meet him again I hope to clear this questions in any way. But at the moment he is not available for me for a talk face-to-face.

Before our "date" took place, his behavior had changed every time when we were alone during our sessions. He was getting much more relaxed and almost cheerful with me. He worked very engaged and I felt he liked the work together with me.

The reason I developed a crush for him must have been his physical appearance (but he looks quite average, no super-looking hero), the wonderful glances at me with his soft eyes and his engaged attitude at work. And after all he gave my company a very positive feedback about my work, what made me glad and may have contributed to my emotions for him.

So Sylar, your absolutely right, anyhow I must overcome this issue and calm down. I managed that for some hours or even days but the feelings come back to me when I am at his company. But in the long run I'll manage that, no problem.

All you people here help me with your well thought opinions and statements. I was and am very glad about every answer from you. I hope - staying at this forum - I can help you vice versa some time.