Not Much Hope Left

[Robby]

I'm sick of always being dumped on & dragged into other people's drama I try to be nice to people & treat them how I want to be treated but on facebook I'm always being dragged into people's drama just because I lend an ear to people doesn't give you the right to dump all on me & make me feel like **** I am a human being too & I never feel valued or appreciated. Why can people not understand that just because I am nice to them that doesn't mean you can dump all over me or pour your issues on me or just treat me like I'm some cheap for-hire therapist. And I don't want to be around people all the time I need my personal space does that make me anti-social? At home I am constantly cursed at & made to feel like **** because nobody understands why I am 33 & don't have a job yet on the outside I'm nice to people & everyone thinks I have it together. Nobody would care or miss me if I was gone & at least I wouldn't feel any pain then. I'm supposed to go therapy but it's all ******** they just talk total **** and don't care about you. And so called friends only seem to want to be nice for me for sex or some alterior motive. I don't feel I have anything keeping me here. I constantly feel judged & devalued nobody ever asks me if I want to hangout or something or when they do talk to me it's always LOL this or LOL that excuse me but I'm a human being I have feelings don't talk to me like I'm some robot. I'm sorry for the rant but I don't feel I matter or fit in anywhere and if I go on job interviews and got a job I'd probably just be the butt of more "sissy" or gay jokes or just ignored altogether. I just don't want to feel this pain any more.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, I am so sorry that you feel so upset. I can understand feeling left out, disrespected, and without many options right now. I am giving you a warm (((Hug))) and letting you know this: You ARE wanted, right here, right now. Please consider yourself appreciated, and cared for-- and cared about.

I believe I understand your feelings, your pain. I respect you. Please don't apologize for the rant. Suffering is not easy.
Anger is fear's bodyguard.

Here is some encouragement, for you to consider, or not:
1. Everything hurts right now, as it has for a long time. Please give the amazing man you are some credit for taking the brave steps you have in getting things started with a therapist. Reach right around-- and pat yourself on the back. You are stronger than you have yet to give yourself credit for.
2. Anger is okay. Get it out any constructive way you wish-- loud music, exercise, anything that helps charge the energy through you.
3. Please remember that (understandably) angry, depressed autistics have very narrow views of how things actually are. EVERYTHING looks, and feels, negative, infuriating, painful, dark, dismal, gloomy, and AWFUL when we are in this state. This will not hurt forever, my friend.
4. You need and deserve some balance, to help you through this. Ring the one friend or relative who you know is supportive. Enjoy fresh air and some real exercise. Order your favorite pizza. Laugh at anything funny you like on YouTube. No, these won't fix deep hurting, but they will bring you the balance you need to get through this very challenging time.
5. Go back and read #1. You are amazing. With such depth of pain, hurt, and anger, you have the incredible courage to start therapy with an ASD specialist. I admire you, and I appreciate you. You have bravery, strength and wisdom.

I have no right to ask anything of someone in such pain, but I am gently going to request one thing, Robby. Please be patient with yourself, and patient with the therapist. When we hurt so much, we view everything through a lens of aggression. Your therapist expects you might growl & bite as she gently examines your wounds. It is okay to be angry. Please Robby, just be patient with yourself, with her, and with the process. Therapy takes time. Remember to give the time.... some time. You are absolutely worth it. (((Hug)))

 

[DonRojo]

Figurally, I would describe this as, you seem to be close to a burnout. I recognise some so I can give my personal backwards insight and maybe it helps. You do actually want to listen to there problems, but there are more problems than you have cures available. And despite that you like to not say it, you where kinda hoping on a return listening, thatne er happened. If this seems similar. What can I suggest. Well I know in that case a totally out of the box explanation, but the comparison might send you thinking. You are running a store. And you are a very nice shop keeper. So if somebody wants to pay later, sure. But everybody seems to chronically no longer pay, and you can't replenish the stock any more. You are giving more, than that you are getting. And this seems not going to be solved in the future.

Solution I found. Read machiavellie. a He reversed the thinking process of his time, and it seems consistent. People do tend to not be grateful for being nice. They seem to confuse it with weak. They are however drawn like flies to sugar, to the strong. Despite the church rteaching that we shouldn't, doesn't mean we aren't. And you have nobody that seems to understand, connect, or trying to understand you. This might be bevause, there is nobody around with the capability to do so. Definitely neurotypicals do not prefere to admit they can't. Think the chinese language (urban legend?) situation of not having a word for no. I found the solution to that be using internet to be able to reach people further away. Nevause I am basically starved in my local enviroment. The original problem. When you sense they need you, reverse the situation, ask them for a favor. Afyer they, and it is theoretical, might or might not do it, they will or stronger not, use there answer to use adbantage of your presence. And you didn't mind listening that time anyways. But now you basically are not abused. . It is purely hypothetical, but you are free to run a beta test. But do understand, this process is an unwritten agreement. So I am afraid you are going to have to do this without promising. To maximize the effect, look ip for 'skinner' and 'conditioning'. And basically what I am suggesting, we humans ,ight be more complex, but more or less also alive, and also able to learn. In fact to be completely honest, the entire process of most effictively changing the situation is just an effective use of conditioning. But I won't appreasiate somebody stealing a potential noble price without adding my name to the back. . Newton got lucky and I am not counting on that kind of result a 'second' time.

 

[watersprite]

Robby: Warmheart and DonRojo said what I could not put to words. Push yourself, for a little while at least, away from the things that hurt because you deserve to be free of them. I'm telling you this because no one told me - and I wish that decades ago - they had. Take care to hold onto what helps.

 

[Tom]

Its not as bad as being attacked by weasels, in the woods, alone, at night, with a broken leg and your face stuck to the sap of a tree.

 

[Tia Maria]

Its not as bad as being attacked by weasels, in the woods, alone, at night, with a broken leg and your face stuck to the sap of a tree.

Another way of playfully saying that believe it or not, things could always be worse. Even much worse. And that is SO VERY TRUE.

 

[wyverary]

I don't think saying that things could be worse is the least bit helpful. But I don't know what to say to make it better, other than...you're not alone. So many people our age feel exactly the same thing. Just know that you have a community here that you are welcome to lean on for support when you need it.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

The trouble with depression is that things look as if they can get infinitely worse, and will get worse, a deepening horror show with no place else to go. Platitudes don't help, they harm, because they disavow the pain that the speaker is feeling.

Robby, if there is anything that makes you feel better--some little thing that you like and that affirms you, whatever it is, a postcard or a toy or a book or a flower, the ability to post here, whatever--it's time to do that thing, frequently in short spurts, and strengthen the impulses to see possibility and better things to come. Sometimes it even helps to tell the therapist how angry you are that things aren't getting better. (Don't shout or throw things, just...express some anger. They're trained to deal with it. Let them.)

 

[IrishAspie]

Robbie, it sounds pretty clear to me that your depressed at the moment.
I'm not a doctor of any kind but I've felt exactly that way and I know your probably having suicidal thoughts.
All I tell you is to see a doctor or contact a hotline in your area, Suicide/Self-Harm help hotlines & resources | AspiesCentral.com whatever you feel works for you.
Even if it's just posting here. AC is here for you.

 

[Robby]

Excuse me but I don't understand the weasels ripping the flesh thing that's in VERY poor taste I am in crisis right now & it seems a bit odd for someone to post something so violent & making light of it. That makes no sense to me at all.

I am depressed. Mainly over not being able to find a job. I am clean cut, neat, well spoken, & am told all the time I'm a nice dresser & pleasant person yet why do I constantly get turned down I'm sick of it & sick of being poor. I went to a temp agency today and the girl who worked there wouldn't even wait on me she said come back another time & just dismissed me. She made me feel 2 feet tall. Why is someone like that working in a staffing agency? I don't get that. What happened to basic human compassion and decency?

I am left to conclude that it's probably because I am gay that's why people aren't hiring me. I am not masculine I am just myself only way I know how to be. I always dress professional on interviews, ties, shirts tucked in, neat clothes, and am well spoken & pleasant. So it must be my sexual orientation that's why they won't hire me.

I don't see any other reason. That's pretty sad for places to always claim they don't discriminate but in fact they do because I am proof of it discrimination is a very real thing. If I knew who to report it to I would. Because I know it's wrong. People should be judged on their character not their appearance if we all looked the same it would be really boring.

I go to therapy & it never helps. I tell people my problems & that never helps. All I want is a decent job & being able to earn a living for myself and be independent is that so much to ask? And not be constantly judged for my sexual orientation.

This lady today really hurt my feelings I was ready and prepared to complete the application process but she wouldn't even wait on me & just told me rudely to coma back later. I'm not sure what it is they do at staffing agencies but obviously being rude to people is one of them.

 

[Robby]

I am going through the vocational rehabilitation office in my town too to see if they can help me with my employment search I hate to have to rely on a state agency for help so if you have a judgmental attidude about that please check it at the door I've heard enough hateful lectures to last me a life time. It is kind of a last resort. If they have a problem with my being gay then I don't know what I'll do. Be a beggar I guess. At this point I'm just giving it over to God to handle for me because I'm so confused & hopeless & don't know where else to turn but god for help. I have to know that he already has it planned I just hope he makes it clear to me or shows me some hope soon.

 

[Robby]

Nobody is telling me I matter or am important. Nobody shows me any compassion or that they are the least bit interested in me I feel invisible & not even disliked, but not even noticed. I'm really hurting. And nobody cares. And people who are paid to say they care can't really care let's face it. I'm just only trusting myself & god at this point.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Excuse me but I don't understand the weasels ripping the flesh thing that's in VERY poor taste I am in crisis right now & it seems a bit odd for someone to post something so violent & making light of it. That makes no sense to me at all.

It reads as an attempt to help you laugh, to me. People who offer what they have will sometimes get it wrong. I think it was well-meant, and if it didn't hit the mark, that does happen. Typing doesn't always convey the compassion felt.

I am depressed. Mainly over not being able to find a job. I am clean cut, neat, well spoken, & am told all the time I'm a nice dresser & pleasant person yet why do I constantly get turned down I'm sick of it & sick of being poor. I went to a temp agency today and the girl who worked there wouldn't even wait on me she said come back another time & just dismissed me.

Who knows why...it could be indifference, it could also be compassion fatigue. It is painful seeing people when you have nothing for them to help. It's painful to not get help, also.

I am left to conclude that it's probably because I am gay that's why people aren't hiring me. I am not masculine I am just myself only way I know how to be. I always dress professional on interviews, ties, shirts tucked in, neat clothes, and am well spoken & pleasant. So it must be my sexual orientation that's why they won't hire me.

This doesn't make any sense to me at all. Unless you're telling people that they should hire you because you're gay, it's far more likely that they don't have an opportunity for which your skills and the employer's needs line up. The other piece that I know happens is that when I'm desperate, that emotion 'leaks' and people are afraid of desperate people.

I don't see any other reason. That's pretty sad for places to always claim they don't discriminate but in fact they do because I am proof of it discrimination is a very real thing. If I knew who to report it to I would. Because I know it's wrong. People should be judged on their character not their appearance if we all looked the same it would be really boring.

Temple Grandin has a very good rule for this: You have to fit in, and fitting in means looking and sounding like you fit in. If you're nervous and desperate and other people detect that, they 'catch it' like it's an emotional virus--and that means not fitting in.

I go to therapy & it never helps. I tell people my problems & that never helps. All I want is a decent job & being able to earn a living for myself and be independent is that so much to ask? And not be constantly judged for my sexual orientation.

If you make this about your sexual orientation, your chances of getting out of this are worse than they are if you keep stepping up to the plate and doing your best.

This lady today really hurt my feelings I was ready and prepared to complete the application process but she wouldn't even wait on me & just told me rudely to coma back later. I'm not sure what it is they do at staffing agencies but obviously being rude to people is one of them.

When I'm hurting, sometimes any reaction feels disrespectful. It doesn't mean the person is actually showing me disrespect; it means I am feeling more sensitive than usual. That doesn't make it their problem, it just means I need to extra kindness rations that day. They aren't the source.

I am going through the vocational rehabilitation office in my town too to see if they can help me with my employment search I hate to have to rely on a state agency for help so if you have a judgmental attidude about that please check it at the door I've heard enough hateful lectures to last me a life time.

Well, and what of it? That is what they're for. Once you've survived a vicious recession, state agencies look a whole lot better--and they're cheaper than private ones. I personally use both.

...At this point I'm just giving it over to God to handle for me because I'm so confused & hopeless & don't know where else to turn but god for help. I have to know that he already has it planned I just hope he makes it clear to me or shows me some hope soon.

Pray as if everything depended on God; work as if everything depended on you. I do understand the feeling. It wasn't that long ago that I thought I would lose my house and everything in it, because that last year was so f*ing awful. This year things seem to be better, although I'd still like to work a long-term job or get a full-time perm position. I have to keep praying, and keep pitching.

 

[Robby]

Thanks for the encouraging words I just am so tired. Tired of dealing with fake people, tired of constantly going on hopeless interviews that come to nothing. And tired of constantly worrying about why people don't accept my sexual orientation I am just TIRED of of it all. Staffing agencies say they are supposed t help people so why won't they help me what am I supposed to do? And even if I ever do get a job which seems highly doubtful I don't think that will ever happen, I'll have to deal with strange people who will probably just talk about me behind my back & be nice to my face but talk about me when my backs turned like everyone else has.

Anyone who's thinking of going to therapy I say don't bother that's the most useless waste of time I ever spent. Anyone who's paid to listen to you for 40 minutes & not do **** to help you isn't worth your time.

 

[wyverary]

I am going through the vocational rehabilitation office in my town too to see if they can help me with my employment search I hate to have to rely on a state agency for help so if you have a judgmental attidude about that please check it at the door I've heard enough hateful lectures to last me a life time. It is kind of a last resort. If they have a problem with my being gay then I don't know what I'll do. Be a beggar I guess. At this point I'm just giving it over to God to handle for me because I'm so confused & hopeless & don't know where else to turn but god for help. I have to know that he already has it planned I just hope he makes it clear to me or shows me some hope soon.

I hope you do this. I have found state vocational rehabilitation EXTREMELY helpful. I thought I was completely hopeless but they've helped give me a sense of direction and purpose. It's not the most efficient system, and there are always snags, but I highly recommend you give it a try. And what's wrong with relying on state aid, especially if it's to help get you back into the work force?

Hugs, and Godspeed, my friend. I hope you realize that we wish you nothing other than the best.
wyv

 

[wyverary]

And even if I ever do get a job which seems highly doubtful I don't think that will ever happen, I'll have to deal with strange people who will probably just talk about me behind my back & be nice to my face but talk about me when my backs turned like everyone else has.

I used to think this. It was probably much harder for me than most, but I've held my current job for almost three years now, and still each day I gain more confidence and get more comfortable in it. It can be done; you just have to have hope.

 

[Robby]

Whatever happened to people lending a helping hand & telling you that they value you as a person? Or even offer guidance or help I thought people wanted their fellow man to succeed but nobody ever helps me or gives me any direction.

 

[Robby]

Well I'm supposed to meet with a case worker at voc rehab next week. But again, I'm not liking myself at all, so I feel like he'll just be rude to me like everyone else is, judge me for being gay, & just treat me like **** like most everyone else has my whole life. I'm not optimistic anymore because nobody has given me a reason to be. After today, when that girl just dismissed me, I noticed she bent over backwards to help some butch looking guy but when I came up to her in front of everyone she wouldnt look me in the eye at all & just had a terrible attitude. I almost left in tears and I'm sick of if. I was dressed nice & had a tie on and smelled nice but obviously people still think they can dump on me.

 

[Robby]

I have no confidence at all I've never had a regular job and am scared to death but it looks like I won't have to worry because I'm not going to get one.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, are you reading here how much you are cared about?

What will you do if it occurs to you that people DO care about you? This thread has gotten a lot of responses-- very quickly. Everyone who responded cares. Nobody is rejecting you for any reason. All are trying our best to let you know that you matter to us. Not only that, but people think about and remember your situation, enough to come back another day and see how you are feeling. That is a LOT of care.

We're still here. We still care. You matter, Robby.