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New to the thread

NicoleAscot

Kira Renèe
Hello, everyone. I'm new to the site. I registered last week but didn't know what to post to introduce myself. So here it goes my attempt.

My name is Nicole and I am 29. I'm an emotionally fragile person currently struggling to find purpose in life.

My diagnoses list includes(Severe Ones):
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Autism Spectrum Disorder (Aspergers)
• ADHD
• Anorexia and Bulimia (it changes)
• Binge Eating Disorder
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Major Depression
• Severe Social Anxiety
• Severe General Anxiety
• Suicidal Ideation
• Kidney Disease
• Serious back issues with severe pain
• Arthritis


I was recently diagnosed with the Aspergers. I saw my psychiatrist after my girlfriend and I were arguing because I told a joke and she got mad because I had "no tone in my voice" and she thought I was serious.


I'm struggling with this so much. I feel like maybe I'm the reason my decade long marriage was ruined and I never knew why.

I'm here to learn from others and try to stop thinking about suicide.
 
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Hello. Welcome to the group. Try not to let that extensive diagnosis list overwhelm you, or cause you to feel more hopeless, as I suspect at least a few of the diagnoses could be just misdiagnoses, or just traits of those conditions, as doctors can give wrong diagnoses to fit specialty, to satisfy insurance, or as it is so similar to another condition.

Regardless what you have, there are many persons here that will relate to your signs and symptoms, so you picked a great forum. And as bad as it seems, things can and do often get better. Many of the diagnoses you mentioned are anxiety, stress or depression related, so if you focus mainly on bettering those, then things look not so scary.

Feel free to post more in detail about your most urgent specific needs.
 
Welcome to AC, Nicole. Suicide is never an answer, period. God put us on this Earth for a reason. That reason is the purpose you're looking for, and sooner or later you'll find out what it is. We all have a purpose in life and we all find it, and we all keep looking hard until we do. Please keep that in mind. I thought for a long time that I didn't have a purpose and still think that sometimes, but in my heart of hearts I know it's there. I'm not well-adjusted to living in the real world but I've kept a job for more than 5 years, a software developer job - and that could very well be my purpose, to write software products that would facilitate the lives of oil and gas workers. Oil and Gas is a very prominent industry, so that purpose is crucial. Chances are that you may have already found your purpose, you just don't know it yet. Look deep! If you have, who knows - you might have more than one purpose in life; many people do! Keep looking for those other purposes, the sky is the limit.

I'm sorry you're going through all these ailments; I have Asperger's, OCD, general anxiety, and I suspect I might even be bipolar or on the brink of depression at times. You are a good person regardless, none of these conditions are your fault - and you say you have a friend, that you tell jokes to? That is truly fantastic, and she's remained friends with you - for a reason, and a good one. She appreciates you for who you are. Even if she got mad, she's still your friend. Friends getting mad at each other is extremely common. For nearly 30 years I hardly ever had any friends.

Don't assume that the failed marriage is your fault. Failed marriages are common and sometimes there is no obvious cause. You did mention having been married for a DECADE? That's ten years - you've been married for ten years. That's a very lengthy marriage. I'm almost 30 and I've never even gone on a date before. You have at least one friend (the one you've mentioned telling the joke to) and you've been married for 10 years. Be proud of that and keep looking for that purpose (*ahem* those purposes) if you haven't found it (*ahem* them) already.

This community is just one of many ways to help oneself find those purposes, and you've done right by joining. See, you're trying to help yourself already. Enjoy life and keep at it. Enjoy those purposes once you find them!
 
Welcome to AC, Nicole. Suicide is never an answer, period. God put us on this Earth for a reason. That reason is the purpose you're looking for, and sooner or later you'll find out what it is. We all have a purpose in life and we all find it, and we all keep looking hard until we do. Please keep that in mind. I thought for a long time that I didn't have a purpose and still think that sometimes, but in my heart of hearts I know it's there. I'm not well-adjusted to living in the real world but I've kept a job for more than 5 years, a software developer job - and that could very well be my purpose, to write software products that would facilitate the lives of oil and gas workers. Oil and Gas is a very prominent industry, so that purpose is crucial. Chances are that you may have already found your purpose, you just don't know it yet. Look deep! If you have, who knows - you might have more than one purpose in life; many people do! Keep looking for those other purposes, the sky is the limit.

I'm sorry you're going through all these ailments; I have Asperger's, OCD, general anxiety, and I suspect I might even be bipolar or on the brink of depression at times. You are a good person regardless, none of these conditions are your fault - and you say you have a friend, that you tell jokes to? That is truly fantastic, and she's remained friends with you - for a reason, and a good one. She appreciates you for who you are. Even if she got mad, she's still your friend. Friends getting mad at each other is extremely common. For nearly 30 years I hardly ever had any friends.

Don't assume that the failed marriage is your fault. Failed marriages are common and sometimes there is no obvious cause. You did mention having been married for a DECADE? That's ten years - you've been married for ten years. That's a very lengthy marriage. I'm almost 30 and I've never even gone on a date before. You have at least one friend (the one you've mentioned telling the joke to) and you've been married for 10 years. Be proud of that and keep looking for that purpose (*ahem* those purposes) if you haven't found it (*ahem* them) already.

This community is just one of many ways to help oneself find those purposes, and you've done right by joining. See, you're trying to help yourself already. Enjoy life and keep at it. Enjoy those purposes once you find them!

Great post. Very optimistic too. I agree totally that we all have a purpose in life, and we all have special talents and abilities. If we focus on those and do not dwell on the negatives, and surround ourselves with people who can relate and see the good in you, things will not seem so impossible to achieve. Sometimes all it takes is one good deed from another, one slight change in attitude, one different path to take, one great piece of advice, or one second wind to really turn our lives around, and for good.
 
Thanks for the warm welcome and friendly advice. It's more than I've been able to get lately.
I needed a place to talk through everything I'm going through, so after months without success, I bought a beautiful diary to write in. A asked my girlfriend if she would not read it if I bought it. She said no.
But 20 minutes after my first entry, she went behind my back and read it anyway. I was so devastated that I threw it away.
My social interactions are mimicked. I feel as though no one will ever know who I am. When I'm alone, I put headphones in and play the same 6 songs on loop for days at a time. I'm so lost.
 
Thanks for the warm welcome and friendly advice. It's more than I've been able to get lately.
I needed a place to talk through everything I'm going through, so after months without success, I bought a beautiful diary to write in. A asked my girlfriend if she would not read it if I bought it. She said no.
But 20 minutes after my first entry, she went behind my back and read it anyway. I was so devastated that I threw it away.
My social interactions are mimicked. I feel as though no one will ever know who I am. When I'm alone, I put headphones in and play the same 6 songs on loop for days at a time. I'm so lost.

How long have you known your girlfriend? Have you had many problems with her before? Or has things mostly been great until recently?

You say your social interactions are mimicked. By who? And explain more about that if you can.

Do you feel better now with someone, or alone? Do you have family and other friends to support you?

Any answers would be great, to give the best advice and support. Thanks.
 
How long have you known your girlfriend? Have you had many problems with her before? Or has things mostly been great until recently?

You say your social interactions are mimicked. By who? And explain more about that if you can.

Do you feel better now with someone, or alone? Do you have family and other friends to support you?

Any answers would be great, to give the best advice and support. Thanks.

:) She is my best friend, actually. We've known each other for a couple years, dated for 1 year. She actually divorced her husband last year so that we could be together. It's a beautiful story, really. She suffers from PTSD and what I personally believe is intermittent explosive disorder, but she can't afford insurance, so she can't be seen to find out.

We've always had "problems" but they were always from miscommunications between us. After my diagnosis, it was WAY easier with WAY less arguing because, according to her, she is "better able to understand me".

And by mimicking, I mean I'm the one doing it. Until the diagnosis, I never realized I really didn't have any true emotions. I have no empathy, my laughs aren't real, I noticed I don't smile or have hardly any facial changes at all in 99% of pictures, I just feel so... hollow.

Due to my back issues, this is my first job I'm working in a few years. I've been here a few months. Everyone's small talks with me, but I either don't know what to say at all when people talk to me, or I just kind of make things up to fit in.

As for being alone, I laid in bed seven days a week when I was alone. It was bad, to say the least.
 
welcome IM another victim of my own body, i had a staphylococcus infection that lasted to long and weakened all my organs.
have all the back problems love my memory foam mattress! it doesnt cure them but it means i want to sleep on the bed a lot longer !.
for depression anxiety look out the window (daylight regulates when you sleep) and seeing foliage landscape is calming
i have no knowledge of lesbianism as IM a Christian. i give it a name as human psychology is very complex.
people presume and this is a reaction to the few people THEYVE met that all Christians are homophobic there are a lot who are not !!!!!!!!
sad that you feel insecure about journaling your thoughts
thats whats good about prayer its very private!!!!!
 
:) She is my best friend, actually. We've known each other for a couple years, dated for 1 year. She actually divorced her husband last year so that we could be together. It's a beautiful story, really. She suffers from PTSD and what I personally believe is intermittent explosive disorder, but she can't afford insurance, so she can't be seen to find out.

We've always had "problems" but they were always from miscommunications between us. After my diagnosis, it was WAY easier with WAY less arguing because, according to her, she is "better able to understand me".

And by mimicking, I mean I'm the one doing it. Until the diagnosis, I never realized I really didn't have any true emotions. I have no empathy, my laughs aren't real, I noticed I don't smile or have hardly any facial changes at all in 99% of pictures, I just feel so... hollow.

Due to my back issues, this is my first job I'm working in a few years. I've been here a few months. Everyone's small talks with me, but I either don't know what to say at all when people talk to me, or I just kind of make things up to fit in.

As for being alone, I laid in bed seven days a week when I was alone. It was bad, to say the least.

It sounds like you have emotions to me, but just have a little difficulty processing and showing your feelings. I mean, in your original post you were blaming yourself for it not working out with your husband, and then another post you said you were upset when your girlfriend read your diary, but in another message suggesting you were happy in general with your girlfriend.

First of all, with regards to your husband, most of us do the best we can do at the time. People learn more through time about themselves, and others, and grow. Coulples sometimes work things then out in their relationships, and grow together, but sometimes change is needed if things are becoming too unbearable and one learned it is not the right fit. Try not to blame yourself for moving on from your husband.

With regards to your girlfriend, nothing you have said so far looks not able to be dealt with positively. Yes, looking at your diary was wrong, so hopefully she knows now not to do that again. Tell her you need a place to write where you have total privacy like that, as it helps bring out your thoughts and feelings better. Maybe say, 'The more you yourself can be trusted, the more this helps, too, so thanks for understanding your privacy need. It will really help your situation.'

It does look like you get more depressed being alone, so it is good your girlfriend is trying to understand you, and likewise, I hope she gets a diagnosis and any therapy or treatment help so you can understand her. Then you can work things out with each other, and understand each other better. Maybe even have joint counseling if this will help. In the meantime, I hope both try not to get too upset at each other and focus on the good things about each other.

if it is any consolation, growing up I had very limited facial expressions, as a way to hide my feelings from others, as growing up we were not allowed to show happiness or anger, as at any time a fight could break out if we showed that. But, this did not mean I could not find joys, and not get upset. In time, after being in an environment that was healthier, and after self-help things, I learned to express a bit more, and not just through writing, and have more of those feelings deep within go to the surface.

It is ok to sometimes show and feel worry, and sometimes that is needed for dangerous situations, but see if finding ways to worry less about smaller things, and try to think more positively when you are in despair, or shift your mind to something else more calming, see if this can cause you to think more clearly and maybe you can then process emotions better, and then show things more appropriately. It is hard to know for sure, as there are so many conditions and personalities where people hide their expressions and feelings, or mask them. I would not assume though that such change cannot happen,nuntil you tried various things.

But, I could balance those words with, is that way to express and feel just you, and if you are truly happy being that way, then learn to accept that and love that. If you love yourself more, then more will love you. But, it sounds like you want some help and change, too, and so I hope lots here with Aspergers Syndrome and other conditions can relate, too. But, I relate as I have had severe Social Anxiety Disorder growing up, several Aspergers traits, tons of vomiting episodes in my late teens and early twenties, because of severe phobia and anxiety, some OCD tendencies when young especially, and milder depression much of my earlier life. Despite that, I am doing very well, now, and am very happy and functional. So, things can really get better for you :)
 

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