My wife said can't spend the rest of her life with someone with autism.

[ksheehan88]

Obviously she didn't love you in the first place, and she was using you for your sources of income, a roof over her head, and sex. If she truly did, she wouldn't leave or act weird around you because you have autism. This is exactly why I have a hard time trusting women these days. I've had my head played with, and being taken advantage of because of my niceness in the past, and I honestly don't think I'll find a girl that's into kind-hearted people like me, because I have yet to find any that isn't attracted to these thug/player types that treat them like garbage. Forgive me for sounding sexist, but I have a hard time nowadays believing that women are truly even worth the emotional, physical, and financial investment these days, considering none of them seem to use their f**king brain and common sense enough to realize the error of their ways. So, you know what I say, OP? Go MGTOW. Go on YouTube and search up MGTOW videos. It may save your life.

I actually had to have a closer look at your picture because you talk exactly like my friend, its kind of eerie.

He's had similar experiences to you and speaks in the same derogatory manner about women as you do while at the same time professing to be one of the "nice ones".

You aren't one of the "nice ones" when you generalise women and tar them all with the same brush as women you have been involved with who hurt you. We aren't all attracted to thugs/players etc you know. I'm very much NOT.

I can't help but wonder if you go for a particular type of woman? A certain look, or way she dresses? I bet its those ones with duck lips, fake eyebrows/hair who wear 6 inches of make up are stick thin with massive tits and who watch **** like the Kardashians, because that's what ALL men like!...

If its not, then apologies, but you see my point? Generalisation is not the way forward dude, its hurtful and unnecessary. I understand you've been hurt be we aren't all the same.

 

[Rich Gray]

It's not trouble if I'm telling the truth. If they can't handle reality, that's on them, not me.

Some folks can flip a coin 10-times, gets heads every time, and figure the next coin-flip will be heads . . . or that all coin-flips will be heads. Go flip some more coins. There are plenty of coins out there. Not all of them suck, just some.

This is my conclusion: date a special education teacher. They tend to be bossy, and patient. Both very well may be a good deal for us ASD guys. Being told flat out what is expected could be a good thing, and boy-howdy do we need patience sometimes.

 

[AustinTheAspie]

I know plenty of women who have had their heads played with and been taken advantage of by men, but none of them believe that this means that this means that all men are the same.

That part that I put in bold really stuck out for me. Women who are genuinely interested in kind hearted men do exist. Maybe if you are only finding women who are attracted to 'bad boys' then you're looking in the wrong places.

If you really feel that women on the whole aren't worth the trouble, than that's fine as it's your life but I don't think you should let the women who have let you down in the past put you off the entire female population.

EDIT: while I was writing this some messages about keeping things civil were posted, so I realise I may not get a reply, and I wasn't trying to cause an issue...as like I said I was composing this as they were posted.

You could be right about finding girls in better places; I seem to be attracted to the "street" girls, because I've been hanging out with street people a very big chunk of my life.

I actually had to have a closer look at your picture because you talk exactly like my friend, its kind of eerie.

He's had similar experiences to you and speaks in the same derogatory manner about women as you do while at the same time professing to be one of the "nice ones".

You aren't one of the "nice ones" when you generalise women and tar them all with the same brush as women you have been involved with who hurt you. We aren't all attracted to thugs/players etc you know. I'm very much NOT.

I can't help but wonder if you go for a particular type of woman? A certain look, or way she dresses? I bet its those ones with duck lips, fake eyebrows/hair who wear 6 inches of make up are stick thin with massive tits and who watch **** like the Kardashians, because that's what ALL men like!...

If its not, then apologies, but you see my point? Generalisation is not the way forward dude, its hurtful and unnecessary. I understand you've been hurt be we aren't all the same.

No, you're right. This is EXACTLY the kind of girls I go for. Maybe I watch too much porn and have made my standards so high that all I'm attracted to is the big-titted, hot, slutty girls. I guess I'm just the average man who just wants to get laid as much as he wants. I know, I'm a pig, but that's what lots of men are like. We think with our dicks rather than our heads, and generalizing women like I did earlier is very hypocritical on my part, and for that, I apologize. I guess I'm just frustrated I can't find love...

 

[nowwhat]

It's not trouble if I'm telling the truth. If they can't handle reality, that's on them, not me.

This is not the truth. It is some twisted lie you have bought in to. Good luck finding happiness with a member of an entire sex you aparrently have a low opinion of, and hate. Your sad outlook is not shared by the vast majority of people on this planet, male or female.

 

[midlife aspie]

I propose allowing the thread to return to the topic posed by the OP and posting opinions thereunto related. I think Austin should start his own thread if he has has something of his own he wishes to share. I don't relish the idea of this thread getting locked.

 

[nowwhat]

Are you still going on about this thread? Take a walk.

I Will, with my wife. We will enjoy some time together. Thanks for the great idea.

 

[annannannann]

Where is this thread even going anymore?
Anyway OP, I agree she's probably in shock. It probably wasn't meant to be taken too seriously. However, I wouldn't let the comment slide either. Those are hurtful, biter things to say to someone, and genuine or not, you shouldn't let them go without confronting her. Maybe couple's therapy?

 

[Ylva]

Her own parochialism and ableism are showing. I suppose the standard advice is to talk to her about it. I'd hate to be this woman's daughter.

 

[WereBear]

I apologize for earlier expressing logical skepticism with sarcasm.

I have noticed that some people blurt out things they do not mean in the heat of the moment. I either don't have this tendency or have suppressed it in my quest to be a good communicator. But this seems to be very common, and I have struggled with its appearance in people who are very kind and don't really think those things; it is a way of them expressing frustration.

What I do is investigate if I am meant to take it literally, and most of the time it is "No, I didn't mean it that way," and we can continue to figure stuff out.

 

[sisselcakes]

Our marriage has been great up to this point. We started dating 15 years ago, but went our separate ways for awhile. She got married and had two children in the intervening years. We've been back together for 4 years and married for 3. Her family loves me. My family loves hers. I even get along great with her ex-husband. Things between her and I only got weird after she initially suggested I might have autism.

Yeah, I agree with everyone. I'm thinking she may have preconceived notions as to what this is? Unless she's held in her dissatisfaction for years, it doesn't add up. If you've had a positive relationship, I can't imagine she's a sneaky person. I would chalk this up to fear on her part, but you'll have to get more information about that. I'm sorry you were hit with this out of the blue. Not fair.

 

[sisselcakes]

I am afraid it is quite common and it is called: a misconception of what autism is about.

My husband is certainly not as bad as your wife ie wanting to get out of our relationship, but he does have this huge fear that I will use aspergers as a way to get out of things, which, as I pointed out: I haven't so far and so, why would I start now? It is an awakening; not an excuse to get away with being nasty etc ie my meltdowns is one thing he cannot cope with.

He says things like: Is it your aspergers or just you being like this and so, ironically he gives me permission to act up, as he would put it. If it is your aspergers, then you can get away with it; but if it is you, then no way!

Or: we all have things that we struggle with; what is so special about you?

But, saying this, he seems to be able to deal with the fact it is just our brains are wired differently and rather conversily, he is great when it comes to other people. He says things like: you need to go up to Suzanne and wave the paper in her face and she will take note; because just calling me, does not get my attention, which has caused him to be distressed, as he will call out my name and because I do not answer, he does it louder and that prompts disapproving looks from others, so we both came up with a way that might work, and it does seem to work, but that is, of course, both of working together.

It is very sad that your wife was the one who suggested you have autism and yet, behaving like this. Perhaps what she sees are two complicated ones in the family and is having a form of meltdown herself. So in her frustration she blurts out: oh for goodness sake, it is your aspergers again!

It can only go two ways: she is willing to read up on what it all involves; or she isn't, in which case, the marriage will collapse.

I hope it is the former.

I have to admit I've done the same. Just last night by bf started what felt like an interrogation on my choice to record the show 60 minutes. He kept asking me more and more questions until I blurted out, "is this an aspergers thing or are you trying to harass me??"

 

[Ylva]

I have to admit I've done the same. Just last night by bf started what felt like an interrogation on my choice to record the show 60 minutes. He kept asking me more and more questions until I blurted out, "is this an aspergers thing or are you trying to harass me??"

Maybe he is Socratic methoding you. Allow me to (try to) Sherlock the situation…

Leaving aside the assumption that he might be deliberately harassing you (harassers rarely try, or if they do at least they don't think of it as harassing), picture this: You're a socially awkward boy who prefer literal meanings. Someone – your parent, your teacher, your friend – gives you the brilliant advice to connect with people by showing interest in them, and mentions that a good way to show interest in people is to ask a lot of questions. You are young and assume the advice is sound and internalize this habit so deeply it's practically a part of you. By twenty or thirty you will have forgotten that there was ever a non-question-bombing way to show interest in people, and the whole thing is pretty automatic.

Or he could just be trying to be annoying. One or the other.

Eta: Hm, this seems to be a different thread than I expected, but this reply wouldn't make sense in the other thread so I guess it stays.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

My step-daughter has autism. We spent a little over 3 years in and out of different therapies and school programs before getting to that diagnosis. We learned a lot along the way, including the near certainty that I have autism as well.

My wife and I decided that I should get evaluated. I have self diagnosed at this point, but still want a professional opinion. I have an evaluation scheduled for next week.

She has been acting very different towards me for the past couple weeks. For example, this morning I told my dad I would give him a ride to the beach tonight to spend time with his brother who is here from the other side of the country. I missed a call from him and noticed it about an hour before he had originally asked me to get him. My wife told me not to feel bad for missing his call. I jokingly said that I wished I had gotten it so that I might already be on my way home from the long drive.

Her response was to say that "Oh yeah, you're self centered. You only think about yourself because you are autistic." As if offering to give my dad a ride was somehow a self-centered act. I gave her examples of when I wasn't self centered and she was willing to say that those examples weren't self centered, but that I was self centered regardless because of autism.

Right before she went to sleep, she told me that she doesn't think she can handle being with me anymore because there were things about me she thought she could change, but now she doesn't think she can. She also told me that I was probably going to use autism as an excuse to get out of doing things or as an excuse for behavior.

I have done so much for her and her children (my step-children), over the past few years that it boggles my mind how she could ever say that I'm self centered.

I've been in love with this woman for 15 years and married to her for 3, but now that we are quite sure I have autism, she doesn't think she can be with me. I'm the same person I was before. What happened? Is this a common experience?

I think she said exactly what she feels, she knows now she can't change you. Well I'd say good riddance you don't need to be changed, autism isn't wrong or bad. She sounds like a manipulative person. Our kind fall victim to that because we are too kind and don't see the social cues.

 

[ovpt]

sorry to hear about your situation. the disturbing part is the idea of her changing you in the first place. now that you are officially "different" she has lost her ideal of controlling the relationship.

my ex wife was very manipulative and we struggled when i was dx'd. she didnt want to leave me but her efforts of manipulation increased to make me change and conform to her idealizations. she made it sound like she was doing everything to help me but in reality was creating more guilt about me being different. this didnt go well and i initiated divorce. now that we are divorced i can see how toxic our relationship was for me and can not be happier.

not that this may be your situation. i have found people to react in many ways to hearing about my neuro atypicalness and i have found the people who dont really care are the people i want to be around. if they act weird, awkward, or otherwise strangely to me, i have found that they do not last as friends very long. some people just have strong biases, misconceptions, and insecurities. when confronted with some one who is different from them, they fall into cognitive dissonance and it typically doesnt end well.

best wishes for you