Vanessa32
New Member
i posted this as a reply to an already existing thread, and thought i would start my own thread as well:
this is something i have struggled with ever since my teenage years, when i first became interested in dating, romance. sex, and all that. I had very little positive outcomes in that area until i was almost 30. Then, i let my desperation lead me into a marriage that lasted way too long and was never really all that good. About halfway through that 20 year relationship, i was finally able to come out as a transgender woman. My ex could not deal with it, and that was the issue that added to all the other issues in our relationship and pushed me to finally end it with her. Since then, i have had several people show romantic and/or sexual interest in me, but for various reasons none of those situations worked out as far as the romance or sexual connection. My past painful experience has left me struggling to feel like i am lovable and attractive in a romantic or sexual way, and has made it difficult for me to avoid focusing too much on those kind of relationships. I basically have come to see it as a "past/present/future" thing. The script i sometimes fall into going by is: being haunted by my past lack of good outcomes in romantic and sexual relationships, which all too easily leads to being both unsatisfied and disappointed with my current lack of such a relationship (or more than one such relationship. as i am open to polyamory) and fear/pessimism regarding my future romantic and sexual prospects. I am working on flipping that script: No longer being haunted by my past experiences (and lack of experience) with romance and sex. so that i can both feel better about my current situation, and optimistic about my future possibilities.
It is so difficult. Our society/culture puts such an emphasis on romantic and sexual relationships. This is reflected in such things as the phrase "just friends," which pretty much says or at least strongly implies that non-romantic and non-sexual friendships are inferior to romantic and sexual relationships. Even the word "relationship" itself often seems to be limited to romantic and sexual connections. When, in fact (IMO anyway) all human connections are relationships.
A concept that i learned of that has been very helpful is relationship anarchy, which aims to break down the hierarchy of relationships that places romantic and sexual relationships above all other kinds of interpersonal connection. I already do have a lot of wonderful non-romantic/non-sexual relationships. and so the more i can see those as just as good, valid, and meaningful as romantic and sexual connections, the less i feel like i need to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship.
Being autistic definitely does not help when it comes to any kind of relationships, and at least in my experience romantic and sexual relationships are especially challenging. Even just getting a casual one on one date is not easy for me, let alone navigating all the other steps. Fear of being rejected often makes it hard for me to even try with people i am interested in.
Another factor for me is that i only recently have been able to live full time as my true gender identity. So i know that it may get easier to form romantic and sexual connections once i have been living full time as my true self a bit longer, and therefore have had more time to make the more casual friendship connections that i know are often the best pathway to possible romantic and sexual connections.
this is something i have struggled with ever since my teenage years, when i first became interested in dating, romance. sex, and all that. I had very little positive outcomes in that area until i was almost 30. Then, i let my desperation lead me into a marriage that lasted way too long and was never really all that good. About halfway through that 20 year relationship, i was finally able to come out as a transgender woman. My ex could not deal with it, and that was the issue that added to all the other issues in our relationship and pushed me to finally end it with her. Since then, i have had several people show romantic and/or sexual interest in me, but for various reasons none of those situations worked out as far as the romance or sexual connection. My past painful experience has left me struggling to feel like i am lovable and attractive in a romantic or sexual way, and has made it difficult for me to avoid focusing too much on those kind of relationships. I basically have come to see it as a "past/present/future" thing. The script i sometimes fall into going by is: being haunted by my past lack of good outcomes in romantic and sexual relationships, which all too easily leads to being both unsatisfied and disappointed with my current lack of such a relationship (or more than one such relationship. as i am open to polyamory) and fear/pessimism regarding my future romantic and sexual prospects. I am working on flipping that script: No longer being haunted by my past experiences (and lack of experience) with romance and sex. so that i can both feel better about my current situation, and optimistic about my future possibilities.
It is so difficult. Our society/culture puts such an emphasis on romantic and sexual relationships. This is reflected in such things as the phrase "just friends," which pretty much says or at least strongly implies that non-romantic and non-sexual friendships are inferior to romantic and sexual relationships. Even the word "relationship" itself often seems to be limited to romantic and sexual connections. When, in fact (IMO anyway) all human connections are relationships.
A concept that i learned of that has been very helpful is relationship anarchy, which aims to break down the hierarchy of relationships that places romantic and sexual relationships above all other kinds of interpersonal connection. I already do have a lot of wonderful non-romantic/non-sexual relationships. and so the more i can see those as just as good, valid, and meaningful as romantic and sexual connections, the less i feel like i need to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship.
Being autistic definitely does not help when it comes to any kind of relationships, and at least in my experience romantic and sexual relationships are especially challenging. Even just getting a casual one on one date is not easy for me, let alone navigating all the other steps. Fear of being rejected often makes it hard for me to even try with people i am interested in.
Another factor for me is that i only recently have been able to live full time as my true gender identity. So i know that it may get easier to form romantic and sexual connections once i have been living full time as my true self a bit longer, and therefore have had more time to make the more casual friendship connections that i know are often the best pathway to possible romantic and sexual connections.
