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my curent level of depression...

UberScout

Please Don't Be Mad At Me 02/09/1996
V.I.P Member
I use to see happiness in everything. The curious mew of a kitten, the innocent expression on Kirby's face...the love i have for Cara...

Then my stepfather lets me know how real everything is. He awakes from his bed and says "move" menacingly while all I was doing was playing a game with my sister. There are no candles in my room tonight. What use are they for lighting an empty domain like mine with light? I feel my heart beating but I do not feel alive. I open my eyes underneath the safety of my two blankets, my mattress being my home within a home, but all I see is black darkness. No outward thought, no inward awareness. Only an eternally powerless body being swung around as a plaything for a bored, mortal god that lives in my house.

I no longer feel emotion, though I still cry bleeding tears. I drink my sorrows away with cola, but what good will it do for the moment? Soon it will be gone, I'll have none left to drink, and while it is of pleasurable taste, it is only a bandage on a wound thr size of my whole body, that does not bleed.

Whoever heard of a sad clown or a happy storm? Such things do not exist and neither should I, lest the deity known as God Himself weeps for me, surely He does, having pity for a lifeless mortal?

I am already dead. You only stand before a walking corpse, praying for death that will not come and show mercy.

Surely there is peace in a stone cold heart, where worms feast upon the dead...?
 
Behold, the sight I see upon opening my eyes. It is of course my mind.
 

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@UberScout

Which direction does writing take you?
Mostly toward a frame for viewing things as awful & catastrophic?
Or more toward working out a comfortable position in your circumstances?
 
I've found getting out of the house and talking to people who experience similar things to me helps. Whether that's for depression or for autism. People who can relate to you on a face to face basis and maybe offer you some solutions to your problems by way of what's available to you in your local area.

Have a look for peer groups in your area.
 
I use to see happiness in everything. The curious mew of a kitten, the innocent expression on Kirby's face...the love i have for Cara...

Then my stepfather lets me know how real everything is. He awakes from his bed and says "move" menacingly while all I was doing was playing a game with my sister. There are no candles in my room tonight. What use are they for lighting an empty domain like mine with light? I feel my heart beating but I do not feel alive. I open my eyes underneath the safety of my two blankets, my mattress being my home within a home, but all I see is black darkness. No outward thought, no inward awareness. Only an eternally powerless body being swung around as a plaything for a bored, mortal god that lives in my house.

I no longer feel emotion, though I still cry bleeding tears. I drink my sorrows away with cola, but what good will it do for the moment? Soon it will be gone, I'll have none left to drink, and while it is of pleasurable taste, it is only a bandage on a wound thr size of my whole body, that does not bleed.

Whoever heard of a sad clown or a happy storm? Such things do not exist and neither should I, lest the deity known as God Himself weeps for me, surely He does, having pity for a lifeless mortal?

I am already dead. You only stand before a walking corpse, praying for death that will not come and show mercy.

Surely there is peace in a stone cold heart, where worms feast upon the dead...?
Uber, are you of age? If so >>> GET OUT OF THERE >>> If not - REPORT HIM, and ask for "safe haven" from the police. SERIOUSLY. I grew up like that, and worse. Trust me - it won't get better till you leave, and it may get worse. No one should have to put up with abuse, or bullying <3
 
I just stopped reading at "it won't get better".

Because for me, that much is true...

Why do I still have the will to live? I Don't feel likr I should anymore! He may have stopped abusing me yesterday, but damned if I can't have a good end to a day that even saw a ****ing fishing trip happen, because my ****ing sister isn't intelligent enough to stop aggravating me, and I do something that gets me in trouble! Instead she pushes me to the point where I gently hold her arm and say "Hmm, I wonder what a child's arm tastes like?" and lower my teeth toward her arm smiling demonically. She deliberately drives me to that point and she knows I'm going to get myself in trouble doing so and allows that to happen!

**** this family I live in. They never deserved me. They're not even worth running away from.

I'm just going to cut the silver cord.
 
I've found getting out of the house and talking to people who experience similar things to me helps. Whether that's for depression or for autism. People who can relate to you on a face to face basis and maybe offer you some solutions to your problems by way of what's available to you in your local area.

Have a look for peer groups in your area.
Been there done that got nothing but middle fingers. Next.
 
...Why do I still have the will to live? I Don't feel likr I should anymore! He may have stopped abusing me yesterday, but damned if I can't have a good end to a day that even saw a ****ing fishing trip happen, because my ****ing sister isn't intelligent enough to stop aggravating me, and I do something that gets me in trouble! Instead she pushes me to the point where I gently hold her arm and say "Hmm, I wonder what a child's arm tastes like?" and lower my teeth toward her arm smiling demonically. She deliberately drives me to that point and she knows I'm going to get myself in trouble doing so and allows that to happen!...

I've read some of your other posts in here so...I don't know if this (the part in bold) is a reflection of your actual thoughts or otherwise; if it is, get help. Don't wait until tomorrow, later, or a week from now - get help immediately.

Another thing, I know it's probably difficult for you at the moment, but try to keep an open mind concerning the advice others are giving you, no matter how cookie-cutter or "same old" it sounds.
 
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I haven't said this before but I've been sent to the behavior hospital 7 times now and the only thing that happens is everything gets better for exactly two days and everything goes back to ****.

I'm not doing the same thing again just to see the same results happen.
 
@UberScout

What happens to make things better for two days?
What happens after that?

If you aren't going to do "the same thing,"
in what way do you intend to change your circumstances?
 

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