• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Mixed Messages

girlwonders

Active Member
Hi,
I am new here, but I am sincerely needing some guidance.

I have been in a confusing relationship with an aspie man. Despite the confusion, I really have come to love him a great deal, and need some help determining the right path.

We grew up in the same small town, but were out of touch for 20 years. We reconnected in a place 1000 miles from where we grew up. We had both been through the ringer as far as relationships went. He was looking for work *everywhere* and I had little expectation that we had much in common. We decided it was a good set of circumstances to try a FWB thing.

Trouble was we became (what I thought) was incredibly close friends, with a real potential to be a great relationship for us both. We started making plans together to do different projects when the happy/terrible call came and he got a job roughly 16 hour drive away, in another country. :( It was heartbreaking..

But we didnt let go of each other. We continued to talk daily, text all day, and remain tight. We visited back and forth. HE bonded with my kids. Things were good, mostly. I missed him terribly and would occasionally ask him where we stood. He only said he loved me once (which I understoond to be pretty typical for aspies - so I accepted it) and he certainly ACTED like a man in love. truly. I didnt need to hear it, because he seemed to show it

Our last visit was basically for 3 weeks over Christmas. We has a GREAT time. (I thought) He seemed happy (I thought) and even the physical side of our relationship was even better.

5 days after he left, my mother got very ill, and I needed his support, but he kept not responding to my texts. Finally he said ten minutes, after 20 I gave up. and just went and cried myself to sleep. The next day, we finally spoke.

He basically told me he wanted to end the romantic part of our relationship. That he wasnt ready. That he was confused. That he needed space. We talked back and forth - then he had a panic attack so the convo ended. Over the last three weeks, we have had a few conversations, where as best as I can tell, He just doesnt want to be with me - though he admits he is very confused about his feelings. Mostly - that I feel more like family than a lover. He doesnt think he can figure out if its just me or if that is just how he is - without dating others. He has assured me there is no one else that he probably wont even date for awhile...

He wants to keep contact though.

So one day I text him and ask him how he is doing, he rattles off some things he is doing, I ask a question - he doesnt respond. Next day he sends me a text out of the blue 'dont take this as mixed messages, went to a bbq place and kept thinking how the kids would love it here'

What can I say to that? For me, it is either a complete mixed message, or kind of cruel.
So i say nothing.
Next day he contacts me and asks about a bill we share, and I respond. He asks if he can call. We talk. mostly about nothing, and the bill. Its a short call (for us).
Then he sends me a text 'hey, I think I know what I am getting kidx as a late Christmas gift'

I didnt respond, and quite frankly, I dont get it. From the get go, I learned everything I could about aspergers (I even see myself in some of the characteristics) So I am really trying to be patient about confusion and understanding feelings. He wants space - but HE keeps contacting ME. In fact - its kind of been that way all along. I let him determine the pace of things, because I didnt want to spook him.

Traditional knowledge says - cut off any ex. Because it just makes the hurting last longer and disrupts healing. Our connection we both agree - is unlike anything we have ever experienced, and, I really hate to close off the friendship, but... I really do love him, and to have him pop up unexpectedly makes it hard for me to heal, and consider moving on.

I suppose, it goes without saying, I would love for him to recognize how very good we are for each other, to each other - but - I also know -generally- that if a guy is into you, they dont give up without a fight.. or something like that.

Color me confused
 
I also know -generally- that if a guy is into you, they dont give up without a fight.. or something like that.

As you state there, it is a generalization, based on stereotypes. Everyone is different - your guy might be crazy about you but not sure how to convey it.

To me it sounds like he does want you in his life but is afraid to make the real commitments and as such also pushes you away. Have you been honest with him about how you feel as in this post?
 
Thats a really good question.

I have not. This is why. This fellah can have pretty severe panic attacks. So severe they can be debilitating and have, in the past, resulted in him losing his job. Somehow I have a knack of working through it with him. He currently has a weak support system, and his job is very demanding. His last panic debilitating panic attack was over a year ago and he very much credits me with helping to keep him stable. I know he depends on the friendship. Threatening to take that away seems kind of cruel. However. There comes a time that I have to do what is right for me. I feel, that, I first have to be sure of what I am thinking, before I even suggest to him that I cant be in contact. I think, in kindness, I will have to ease him into the reality of it.
 
No matter the intention, his mixed messages hurts you and that has to stop (right?). As you said yourself, you do need to figure out what you want. And taking the "benefits" part out of a FWB situation can be hard when there's still some residual feelings, so it's up to you to decide whether you can be a friend right now without hurting yourself.

Ending the friendship part (at least temporarily, until raw emotions have subsided) might seem harsh or like a punishment, but if the alternative is to exist in a limbo between friendhip and a relationship where you're not quite sure where you stand, it might be the better alternative.
That's my take on the matter, at least.
 
I dated an Aspie like that. Always the mixed messages. In many ways, I think he had me on the line, hoping to do better. But he had severe socail issues and was settling.

It was just like you said. Acted like love, never put it out. We were not physical because I saw that would push me further into a fantasy.

The whole thing was like it was in his head.

Always frustration.

We talk sometimes. He helps me out sometimes. But I wish I did not need him. We were in deep with the Friendship part, like decades. I regret it all.

If I had never had a need, it would not have gone so far.

He is the clearest case of Aspergers but does not know it. He is approaching burnout and drinks every night and medicateds a lot. But he is 100% closed to any input because work is so hard for him.

It take days for him to recover from work. On vacation, he will spend 100% of two weeks on his couch, not leaving the house for 2 weeks.

He is on a good med right now. Being more social etc. But when he retires and does not have that structure..........yikes.

And I am sure i will be there and try to help. But he scares me.

Like you said ....when you need emotional support, forget it. It's Out of Sight Out of Mind big time. That shuld be your mantra.

OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND but when you are there, nice and kind as a deep, dear friend filled with love. Then, you leave, you are forgotten.
 
It seems to me, as I read your thread, that the issue arised when you needed support due to your mother getting very ill. You rightfully expected him to be there for you, as a man in love would want to be there to support the woman he loves. HOWEVER, it confused him very much and so, in that confusion, he reacted full on with: I only want you as a friend, but deep inside, he wants more, but too scared because of what he perceives is involved.

Very hard for us to explain our emotions and so, panic sets in and we back away.

To him, you see, your mother means nothing. He is dating you and so, he thinks of just that and it would be the same reaction if one of your children suffered, he may not be able to handle that.
 
Thankyou for your responses - they do provide some insight.

Right now the struggle is what to do with these messages he sends... well, what to do. I dont want to push and push him away.. but, at the same time, messages that he was thinking of me and the kids - hurt. Why do I want to know that? Its a headtrip all on its own.

Should I respond to these messages - should I ignore them? Should I be available like I was before when he needs/wants to talk - or - should I make him deal with life without me there so he gets the full feeling of what he is decided. Maybe not having me to lean on will remind him of why we were good together in the first place and help change his mind?

I dont like games at all. But. I do believe that sometimes you have to do what is counterintuitive to get the results you want

I really DONT want to be his crutch while he gets it together and dates other people. There has to be a limit, I have to consider myself in all this.
 
One more thought: if he's at all like me (an Aspie man who's been in a slightly similar situation), then the emotions he experiences with "incredibly close friends" like you - even without any "benefits" - are likely to be very, very intense. So intense, in fact, that they could completely dominate his life, at least at times; I'd certainly call it "love", but it may be a slightly different kind of love. The "physical" or "romantic" side of things might seem either unnecessary (given the intensity of the emotional closeness he feels), or just too overwhelming - that was my situation - I could barely handle the emotions caused by the "friends" part, and the "benefits" part tipped me over the edge.

But I explained all this to my FWB - at great length!!! - and, eventually, the situation resolved. It seems to me that he really needs to talk to you about how he feels, what his fears are, how he thinks of you and if that's changed... Of course, it would be great if you could talk to him about the same things, but obviously only if you think it won't cause a panic attack! If the communication isn't deep enough, it seems like "games" are the only option - but, like you, I really hate playing games, and besides, it's risky.

Anyway. If he can't communicate with you about this stuff, then yes - ending the friendship (at least temporarily) may be the only choice. Otherwise, it seems like you'll keep getting hurt. He may not understand that his behaviour hurts you unless you give him some clear sign, like crying or telling him straight out that he's hurting you... but of course that's risky too. Oy vey!
 
So we talked today.

He was pretty to the point, which was good, and kind of alarming.

This is a break-up.
It's over.

He said he would be less chatty. I asked for no contact, so I had time to heal and move on.

He was surprisingly good with that. Perhaps the love I thought was there, the closeness I thought we had, was all in my head.

He is ok.

I am not.
 
Sorry to hear this. I hope you can pull through. I certainly appreciate the effort you put in with regards to research, compassion, seeking to understand, and acceptance of his uniqueness. With all sincerity I extend my best wishes to you.
Rocco
IMG_1185.JPG
IMG_1315.JPG
 
I didnt just accept his uniqueness. I loved him because of it. So hard to explain, but once I understood how to work around his differences - I found I had found a love I could trust - or so I thought. How does he act so loving one day, and then. just. not.
Mystified.
Im broken.
 
Processing…
Processing…
Processing…
Does not compute. Please restate your question.

I can only speak from personal experience, but I'm good at logic. Or black and white thinking as the guy that diagnosed me liked to put it.

So it is either an either or an or. All or nothing.

Either it works or it doesn't.

What exactly has been tripping him up I don't know. All I can say, it is not as grey as it seems.


I had a relationship with a woman and while she was great on one level, emotional, what was lacking was her mental/logical side.

Anyway. After 36 years I'm not yet sure if I'm actually "made" to be in a relationship with a woman, or if what I need is more a relationship with the universe.

A woman is part of the universe, so I guess that could count. :p
 
@girlwonders I don't know if you want to be enlightened or not but I'll try anyway.

You being angry at another person is just a reflection of you being angry at yourself.

When I read that you already had several other kids and court orders and stuff my wtf button started glowing bright red.

Now my approach so far has been to not get anybody pregnant, because even though I entertained the idea of having kids actually having them is completely another story.

Now I'd think since you already have some you'd be more considerate in getting pregnant yet again.

I'm not a woman, so I can only presume to understand what motivated you into having unprotected sex with him despite the unclear relationship.

You clearly seem to be yearning for emotional connection which I'd say is possible with an Aspergers person, however I know myself that I'm acutely aware of the emotional energy flow between me and another person. If it is a constant drain I eventually just say **** it and that is that.

Ideally you don't go into a relationship just to get something out of it. You should be okay with being with yourself and with being with somebody else.

What you do in this situation is completely up to you however I'd suggest emotional healing.
 
@nagibator Dude.
You are more than a little off-base.

Firstly - My (now deleted post) was written during an extremely emotional time, something you might not understand, but when your body fills with competing hormones and you are struggling, for some of us, emotions can get pretty high. Its not supposed to make sense it just is.

2-
You being angry at another person is just a reflection of you being angry at yourself.

eh. is that right? or, maybe its MORE about being upset because my needs arent being met AND see #1

3-
Now I'd think since you already have some you'd be more considerate in getting pregnant yet again.

I'm not a woman, so I can only presume to understand what motivated you into having unprotected sex with him despite the unclear relationship.

I think this is the line that kind of tested my patience the most Given that you are making presumptions ALL OVER THE PLACE. Did I have unprotected sex? were you there? do you know anything about my birth control choices or all the reasons why you are an asshat for saying that? This was not a part of the conversation because - here at aspie central - We discuss what it is like being and dealing with aspies - NOT how and why my Birth Control Method failed, and/or why I got pregnant. RULE number one when you are attempting to ah - analyse someone - know what you are talking about/dont make arrogant assumptions.

4-
You clearly seem to be yearning for emotional connection which I'd say is possible with an Aspergers person, however I know myself that I'm acutely aware of the emotional energy flow between me and another person. If it is a constant drain I eventually just say **** it and that is that.

Hmm - actually - again your arrogant assumptions are wrong - again - since you are basing your psychoanalysis on an CLEARLY emotional piece of writing that was done while I was very much struggling with my situation.

5-
Ideally you don't go into a relationship just to get something out of it. You should be okay with being with yourself and with being with somebody else.

REally? No ****? I didnt know that!!!! I mean after all I am 40 and have had many successful relationships with people I thought it was all about me! What an EXTREMELY condescending thing to say to someone YOU DONT KNOW. and Someone you have never observed in a relationship. Seriously. are you just sitting there pulling stuff out of your butt?

6-
What you do in this situation is completely up to you however I'd suggest emotional healing.

Thankyou for granting me the permission I WAS NEVER SEEKING to handle my life and 'situation' myself. Your suggestion, based on a bunch of completely off base assumptions is absolutely brilliant (please note, I am being HEAVILY sarcastic)

May I suggest - BEFORE you attempt to psychoanalyze someone you do not know based off of information and feelings you dont comprehend, that you take a step back and consider that you are not as wise as you think you are, and try to 'feel' where the other person is at. In my circles we call that humility and empathy.

In the future, and you feel to inject your wisdom, just dont. You can not 'enlighten' someone when you yourself are sitting in the dark.
 
Last edited:
So we talked today.

He was pretty to the point, which was good, and kind of alarming.

This is a break-up.
It's over.

He said he would be less chatty. I asked for no contact, so I had time to heal and move on.

He was surprisingly good with that. Perhaps the love I thought was there, the closeness I thought we had, was all in my head.

He is ok.


I have been through this several times.
You cannot be certain of his feelings. My situation was because he was confused.
When he is confused... he shuts down and gets the "**** its"
And ends things.
No real explanation. Feels as cold as death... and I go into a terrible panic and depression.
Turns out every time he has thought I have over reacted.
 
Pl
Please hang in there..
There is something extremely hurtful when an aspie does this. It shook me to the core.
All of a sudden... BAM!
You don't know what the **** you did.
How not to do it again...
How to fix it..,or even confusing how to
UnderstNd what happened.
It is a TRAUMATIC INJURY that has no warning.
I am a therapist for thirty yrs
And I was clueless.
Please find someone to talk and cry to. You are not crazy or sick.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom