dr.thesis
Active Member
I was in deep discussion with someone and apparently there have been rare cases of people growing out of Autistic diagnosis and becoming NT. Perhaps I'm one of these rare cases and because I'm old enough and aware of every intricate changes in my body, I'm able to communicate the changes what I felt during before and after these changes and wish to share it. The thing I kept noticing was the pressure or the top front whole of my head grew a pressure. Whether I did it manually or it just happened, it remains to be known. The first time I got it, my whole head had a rush of endorphins and it felt so good and relaxing, then a day later I had a strain or almost like a headache in the front part and around my forehead which I never had before. Ever since that day, It now feels like I'm thinking from the front part of my brain and not the back is the best way to describe it. The feeling of wholeness is still there but I'm use to it now that I don't even notice it, but ever since that feeling is there, I'm now able to communicate on a normal level, if not better since my language was very verbose. This could potentially be the reason why it's impossible to question NT's what they feel like in their heads when they think/communicate.
Here's what's interesting. Noticeable changes for me was this:
-Too much bright lights and sound don't make me irritated, dizzy or dissociative anymore. Before the changes, I'd get them once every 2 months on average or if I'm stressed, but now I don't get them anymore.
-I use to fear group settings, events or certain people (mute selection) even though I knew there was nothing to fear but my body made the fear. After the changes, it's as if a small amount of endorphins is constantly running through my head, as if there's nothing to fear in any of these settings. Infact I seek them out which was never done before as in I talk to girls like they're people and not so mystifying. As if I understood what to do or as if my brain filled in the gaps. Perhaps fear may be chemical based? Because before the changes, I knew there was nothing to be scared of or fear, and I knew that rationally, yet my body and mind made me want to shut off from these things and people, then all of suddenly after the changes- with the same state of mind, my body allowed me to do it without a problem.
- Communication with people was slow, off-tone and lacking, if not uncomfortable all the time. I wasn't able to express emotions easily. For example when an argument break-out, I could only stand there and go "what" or struggle to explain. After the changes, I'm able to intellectually defend myself in an argument to the point that I usually win the argument with the help of expressing my displeasure. Before the changes I was acting and playing the part when it came to socialising. Now I can communicate to anyone in a clear precise manner. I also lacked confidence and had to ask for something several times but now I'm able to ask once and without conviction with a powerful voice.
-Topics flow easy for me and I never run out of things to say compared to before the changes, I always ran out of things to say or could never think of anything to say. I can also initiate now compared to waiting for people to start a conversation with me.
-Everyone seemed to know what was going on or do things without being told. Whenever I did something such as shoveling or even walking, I've been told I look awkward. I've always been the last one to find out (perhaps due to not talking) but since the changes I'm in the "know".
-My body composition changed and my posture became more natural. Instead of rigid all the time, I would display open body language without trying or thinking.
-Conversations are synced now, like I'm in sync with everyone and everything. When you're not in sync, people can somehow instinctively tell there's something wrong with you. Best way I can explain it is NT conversation reply speed to each other might be 0.30 of a microsecond but if you're around 0.50, they pick it up because it disrupts the flow of their normal sync that they're use too with people along with the improper use of facial expressions. Before the changed when I go to a room, people would look at me and not say anything as if there's nothing to say. almost a social blockage. I was the one that had to try hard to keep the conversation going. After these changes, I walk into a room, people are more receptive. Perhaps is due to my body composition, open body language and correct natural facial expressions. If I go silent for a split second in a conversation, they're the ones that find a way to keep it going instead of me trying so hard like I use too. Even non-verbal communication such as typing, writing and texting have become very clear, precise and abundant to the point I wouldn't have been able to type this much except for one liners or a single paragraph.
-I don't get tired from socialising anymore.
-I notice I can stay up much later than usual and go through the day without power naps like I use too. More alert.
-I get bored of the same thing or routine and seek out new and stimulating things, events or people. Planning for the future is much more easier.
-My voice changed to be more deeper, powerfuller and confident. Perhaps due to knowing what and how to talk.
-I'm not depressed or suffering any social anxiety anymore.
Thats why "waking up" felt like a dream. It was something I was dreaming to become the whole time but thought of it as impossible. When it happened, I found it hard to believe, which therefore felt like a dream. Especially when I had my first conversation which flowed so perfectly and flawlessly that it lasted 3 hours without me knowing. It felt natural but weird because I wasn't use to it. I was use to thinking of something then saying it, or I had to plan ahead.
Here's what's interesting. Noticeable changes for me was this:
-Too much bright lights and sound don't make me irritated, dizzy or dissociative anymore. Before the changes, I'd get them once every 2 months on average or if I'm stressed, but now I don't get them anymore.
-I use to fear group settings, events or certain people (mute selection) even though I knew there was nothing to fear but my body made the fear. After the changes, it's as if a small amount of endorphins is constantly running through my head, as if there's nothing to fear in any of these settings. Infact I seek them out which was never done before as in I talk to girls like they're people and not so mystifying. As if I understood what to do or as if my brain filled in the gaps. Perhaps fear may be chemical based? Because before the changes, I knew there was nothing to be scared of or fear, and I knew that rationally, yet my body and mind made me want to shut off from these things and people, then all of suddenly after the changes- with the same state of mind, my body allowed me to do it without a problem.
- Communication with people was slow, off-tone and lacking, if not uncomfortable all the time. I wasn't able to express emotions easily. For example when an argument break-out, I could only stand there and go "what" or struggle to explain. After the changes, I'm able to intellectually defend myself in an argument to the point that I usually win the argument with the help of expressing my displeasure. Before the changes I was acting and playing the part when it came to socialising. Now I can communicate to anyone in a clear precise manner. I also lacked confidence and had to ask for something several times but now I'm able to ask once and without conviction with a powerful voice.
-Topics flow easy for me and I never run out of things to say compared to before the changes, I always ran out of things to say or could never think of anything to say. I can also initiate now compared to waiting for people to start a conversation with me.
-Everyone seemed to know what was going on or do things without being told. Whenever I did something such as shoveling or even walking, I've been told I look awkward. I've always been the last one to find out (perhaps due to not talking) but since the changes I'm in the "know".
-My body composition changed and my posture became more natural. Instead of rigid all the time, I would display open body language without trying or thinking.
-Conversations are synced now, like I'm in sync with everyone and everything. When you're not in sync, people can somehow instinctively tell there's something wrong with you. Best way I can explain it is NT conversation reply speed to each other might be 0.30 of a microsecond but if you're around 0.50, they pick it up because it disrupts the flow of their normal sync that they're use too with people along with the improper use of facial expressions. Before the changed when I go to a room, people would look at me and not say anything as if there's nothing to say. almost a social blockage. I was the one that had to try hard to keep the conversation going. After these changes, I walk into a room, people are more receptive. Perhaps is due to my body composition, open body language and correct natural facial expressions. If I go silent for a split second in a conversation, they're the ones that find a way to keep it going instead of me trying so hard like I use too. Even non-verbal communication such as typing, writing and texting have become very clear, precise and abundant to the point I wouldn't have been able to type this much except for one liners or a single paragraph.
-I don't get tired from socialising anymore.
-I notice I can stay up much later than usual and go through the day without power naps like I use too. More alert.
-I get bored of the same thing or routine and seek out new and stimulating things, events or people. Planning for the future is much more easier.
-My voice changed to be more deeper, powerfuller and confident. Perhaps due to knowing what and how to talk.
-I'm not depressed or suffering any social anxiety anymore.
Thats why "waking up" felt like a dream. It was something I was dreaming to become the whole time but thought of it as impossible. When it happened, I found it hard to believe, which therefore felt like a dream. Especially when I had my first conversation which flowed so perfectly and flawlessly that it lasted 3 hours without me knowing. It felt natural but weird because I wasn't use to it. I was use to thinking of something then saying it, or I had to plan ahead.
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