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Living with an Aspie

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by HAL_0, Apr 11, 2013.

  1. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member

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    Books that have helped me understand neurotypicals:

    P.E.T - by Thomas Gordon
    Signals - by Alan Pease
    The Sourcebook of Magic (A Guidebook to NLP) - by Michael Hall

    Probably some others that I can't remember the titles of right now. I don't know any that specifically help with relationships. For all I know, maybe Dr. Phil is your guy? He has written books about relationships.
     
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  2. Suki

    Suki New Member

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    Thank you Audra. The character ramming it's head against the brick wall tells me you and I feel the same! I get really frustrated as well and have been looking for books. I have no advice for you as I am new to this and learning, but it helps to know I am not alone.

    Thank you Ylva for the book recommendations! I am beginning to understand my Aspie, but it still is very trying. Perhaps if he would try to understand me as well, the brick wall would crumble.

    A relationship takes two working at it. When it is only one of us, we may not be so successful.
     
  3. HAL_0

    HAL_0 Member

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    Not too sure if this is relevant to this discussion but I just finished reading a book that really does resonate with me. Not written specifically about Aspies but maybe helpful for those who are trying to understand their man. DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR HUSBAND? by David Murrow. I'm trying to get my wife to read it but no surprise she tells me she's to busy. I responded that I was willing to sacrifice a "date night" to give her the time.

    WARNING: The author writes from a Christian POV but his insights are reality based.
     
  4. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member

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    Have you read it? Is it good?

    I ask because it sounds like it would be about NT husbands.

    And since you are picking up the signs from her, she can't really say you are not sensitive.
     
  5. HAL_0

    HAL_0 Member

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    I finished reading it yesterday. All I can say is that I identify with being an Aspie and the problems I'm having are very similar to those described in the book. I've read elsewhere that Aspies have an exaggerated male way of thinking so the examples in the book could be very relevant. I'm not trying to sell anyone another "self-help" book just that it seemed to accurately describe the problems I've had in this relationship and my previous one. Hopefully someone else that has read it can offer their own opinion.
     
  6. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member

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    I was just curious. What do you mean by "an exaggerated male way of thinking"?
     
  7. HAL_0

    HAL_0 Member

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    Extreme Male Brain Theory
     
  8. HAL_0

    HAL_0 Member

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    I'm not sure I can blame this on an Aspie trait but I have completely messed up the title of this book!!?
    It is actually called WHAT YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T TELLING YOU by David Murrow. Sorry about that.
     
  9. Meggie66

    Meggie66 Member

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    Just catching up with this thread. I,ll get that book Hal and let you know what i think. I would agree that my AS male has exaggerated male tendancies. He will also put off doing stuff if he isn't committed to doing , for instance at the moment he,s supposed to be applying for jobs and keeps telling me he,s going to do it, but spends most of his day watching tv or basically doing anything else to avoid it. Then he gets angry and depressed at himself because he feels a failure for not doing it.
    You should take pride in yourself that you,re making an effort to resolve your problems with your wife, the more effort you make, the more she will make as well, and i think this is true for every relationship, not just where AS is involved.
     
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  10. Audra

    Audra Member

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    Thank you HAL_0. I have wonderful books describing Aspes but I have a hard time explaining NT women. But I will look into ordering it.

    What I am learning is that there is so much material about living and loving an Aspie person. And although I read the books I know my boyfriend is not typical just like everyone else in this world. So I am trying to get to know him as an individual aspie.

    He was not diagnosed until a couple years ago. (He is in his 40's).

    What I find so strange is that he has had difficulty and bullying when in school, not many friends, no girlfriends etc. He was raised by a single parent and she never taught him boundaries or life skills. SO I am having to do that at this time.

    As I mentioned we are in a long distance relationship and are due to meet the middle of this month although we skype for hours every day.

    We are having alot of difficulty with his boundaries with other women, how to treat me properly, and since we live long distance and will be meeting for the 1st time there is a good chance we will be entering into a sexual relationship and he hasn't had one since a teenager. And I am having to explain that as well.

    Can anyone give me information or advice on explaining boundaries and sex? My question for any aspie male or anyone else....my understanding is that aspie males have emotions but they are muted. He does not really understand what I am talking about when I say sex between two people who have feelings for or who love each other bonds them. Can anyone help me to explain these things better?

    Thanks
     
  11. Meggie66

    Meggie66 Member

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    I don't think people with AS have muted emotions, i think that maybe they have problems talking about or expressing their emotions, which is totally different. I hasten to add I,m NT so the others will be better qualified to clarify this. I think you need to set the boundaries of what you find acceptable and appropriate in a relationship. My boundaries could and probably will be totally different from yours, so the best advice i can give is to be clear and direct with your partner about what you expect from him.
     
  12. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member

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    No idea what "muted" means in this context, but I, while being female, feel my emotions very strongly. Yes, I can be emotionally detached, but that is more of a coping mechanism that I've evolved precisely to deal with this. I obviously don't know about males, but it might be like that for them, too.
     
  13. atheistcanuck

    atheistcanuck Member

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    I think NTs get confused because AS people don't use the same facial expressions and body language that they do a lot of the time and often have a hard time with talking about feelings. I know I can't put my thoughts and feelings into words (especially spoken words, I'm a lot better with written words).
     
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  14. HAL_0

    HAL_0 Member

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    Things have improved quite a bit since I posted last. My wife eventually attended one of my Aspergers Support Group meetings earlier this month and had a chat with the facilitator (after the considerable sacrifice of cutting off my long hair and shaggy beard...a long story) She now acknowledges my Aspieness and this has made life a lot more tolerable. We are now in China visiting her relatives along with our two boys (one of which is most certainly also an Aspie) The Aspergers Support Group have kindly offered to give me some regular professional career counselling to help transition me back into the workforce when I get back home. The importance of an understanding spouse cannot be underestimated for the outlier Aspie.
     
  15. AspieSam

    AspieSam Disability Advocate and Sensory expert V.I.P Member

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    When u aren't one is very hard since your brains speak a different language/ dialect only mostly other Aspies can speak.
     
  16. joshuaturbeville

    joshuaturbeville New Member

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    Ever since my companion was diagnosed with Asperger I read about it and tried to understand. But there are things he did (maybe continues doing who knows) I still don't see as linked to Asperger.
     
  17. AspieSam

    AspieSam Disability Advocate and Sensory expert V.I.P Member

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    What actions does your companion do that you don't understand ? Or what actions do you not see where there coming from? If you are more specific and tell me, I may be able to clarify for you, what it is that drives those actions. I'm a disability advocate so I know numerous characteristics coming from several different types of disabilities and how there portrayed in an individual who has it.
     
  18. Nanda

    Nanda Active Member

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    I dont think i can say something usefull about this topic but i like what this girl, Catarina (she is an NT), says about living with an aspie.



    And in this other video is her boyfriend Linus (he has Aspergers) talk about how is living with somebody non aspie.


    Hope you like it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2015
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  19. Grumpy Cat

    Grumpy Cat Have A Grumpy Easter!!! V.I.P Member

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    He is such a sweetie! She's very lucky to have him. I think he seems to understand more than he thinks he does about how it's like to be an NT living with an Aspie by saying how she has given up things (family, friends) and calling his space "our" space. Isn't that empathy? I also like the point he makes about how an argument shouldn't break up a relationship.
     
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