Living with an Aspie

[HAL_0]

What is it about Aspies that make them so hard to live with? I'm on my second marriage now with two boys and I can already see the signs that my wife has had enough. I just want to be happy and be myself. I also want those around me to be happy. Feel free to ask me any questions that may help me to understand what us going on.:sticky_confused::sticky_confused:

 

[Meggie66]

Hi Hal, as an NT female in a relationship with an AS male, i find the lack of communication a real problem. If he,s stressed or anxious about something instead of talking it through with me, he withdraws completely so i have no idea what he,s thinking, or what the problem is. He also can very rarely see things from my point of view, which can make him present as very self centred, even if he doesnt mean to be.
There are lots of other things also, and i could go on and on but it wont help you.
My best advice would be to sit down with your wife and ask her what,s making her unhappy.

 

[HAL_0]

Thanks for the reply. I talk a lot but my wife prefers action. I'm starved of affection so feel resentful. She feels I don't contribute enough to the family/relationship so she also feels resentful. I have decided to let my facial hair grow which makes me feel more relaxed but this does not meet with her approval so I feel obliged to cut it off. I guess I just want to keep my family but be free to be myself whatever that may be. I admit I have trouble figuring out what my role in this relationship is besides helping more with the chores and looking after the kids while she does her teaching stuff.

 

[Meggie66]

Why dont you both write down what you're unhappy about. Then choose a time to go through each others list and see where you can compromise, preferably a time when neither of you are stressed or angry.
In some cases you might be able to do a "trade off", ie you can have your facial hair if you help more in the house ???
It might not work but its worth a shot.
Good luck to you xx

 

[HAL_0]

Thanks. Simple and doable. Might work. At the very least we'll have a list of what's bugging each other. xx

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

If you asked my husband he would point out that I'm not too good at housework. I find it really hard to see the house work that needs doing. I've read that aspies can be like that. The worse thing for me is I'm unemployed so I'm supposed to be keeping the house clean ... Aspies I've read can be a bit blind to things so maybe your being a bit blind to something that your wife thinks is important. And by blind I mean we sort of filter it out without realizing it. Like I filter out house work. I know I do it but I don't know how to resolve the issue.

I know I can be good at talking but not too good at getting emotions out. My husband is pretty good at picking up this is me.

then again the issue might be hers.

 

[HAL_0]

Thanks for your response. What you say does strike a chord. I kinda know she wants those chores done but for some incomprehensible reason I keep putting them off. It seems fairly petty behaviour on my part. There's obviously lots of unresolved resentment on both sides that needs to be sorted otherwise we'll dig a hole so deep we can't get out of it. I just don't know how to bridge the gap. It just seems so much easier to escape to the iPad and hope tomorrow will sort itself out. A real rabbit in the headlights mentality on my part.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

when I first found out about my asperger's my husband found an article that was really negative for the long term survival of an Aspie-NT relationship. I swear he almost broke us up over it. this was a research article by the way, not just some opinion or something. It was about fifty pages and dealt specifically with the aspie NT relationship.

Anyway there was a bit in there that specifically dealt with housework (as a metaphor for other things). It said that aspies are either hyper clean or hypo clean. If they are hyper they can't stand anything out of place so everything is perfectly neat. If they are hypo they actually have trouble seeing the mess. The aspie brain kind of filters it out because its not important in the grand scheme of things. Plus we have better things to do. This can lead to aspies having friction with their partners who see the world differently.

I would also recommend you grab a book called The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. He's a priest who has spent years giving marriage counselling. The book is in no ways religious but I found it very helpful. I originally was recommended the book to help with my relationship with my mother (the ideas he talks about in this book can apply to every relationship not just a marriage). But essentially the book is about understanding how people give and receive affection and love. That can help out in a situation like this because it sounds to me like your wife is a service giver (she performs services like house work to show her love and that's why she nags about it) and when she doesn't get a similar display of affection in return she feels a bit left out in the cold. Everyone has a different way of communicating how they feel about someone else and usually a lot of marriages that fail (I think anyway) are because the two sides don't know how to communicate emotions to one another. You might display your love by say going to work every day and providing (which is what my husband does) or you might be a gift giver (which is probably more what I am) but if you don't identify your wife's means of currency for love then her bank will run dry before long and you will go your separate ways.

Keeping that in mind might help you out in your marriage. You could then say "I know my wife likes me to perform services for her so what service can I do today to show I love her? I know I can do the dishes." as an example.

this is something you need to discuss with her and then prove to her by performing tasks that meet her expectations of love. Like my husband loves it simply if I make his lunch and put a yummy dinner in front of him at night (which is a bit of a gift giving thing) and that keeps him happy. I just like being able to touch my husband (which might sounds weird for an aspie) and have him touch me back. I guess this is because I have such an aversion to touch normally and to let someone touch me is the ultimate show of trust I can give them.

There is no right or wrong answer ... you just gotta figure out what works for you. And you probably have to get your nose out your ipad and discuss this with your wife. Though I personally know how difficult it can be to talk about how you feel even to someone you love.

 

[HAL_0]

Wow. It's school holidays here. So I took the opportunity to talk to my wife and when I recognised the "the heard it all before" routine I suggested we write it down. Anyway in my "aspie" way I then swung my total concentration onto this topic...even though we had a guest staying overnight...for four hours. By this time my wife was exhausted and wanted a nap. I thought she was just avoiding the topic and continued to verbally batter her into submission. Not really, but I feel we made some valuable progress and I am even considering cutting my facial hair as a goodwill guesture. Thank you Meggie for your suggestion to write things down. As regards the book "The Five Languages of Love" I actually have a copy of this book which a counsellor gave me when I was in the process of splitting up from my first wife. I agree whole-heartedly with the premise behind the book but as you can see that knowledge has not made much difference in this relationship. As you have accurately pointed out my wife's love language is "Acts of Service". I think mine are "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch". This resulted in her preparing lovely meals and me telling her how delicious they were. Funny but true. Now it's not so funny because I am now "prematurely retired" with a resultant loss of confidence and she naturally feels I need to contribute more elsewhere. The lovingly prepared meals have dwindled away to be replaced with takeouts and her loss of respect for me has affected the level of intimacy between us. However today is hopefully a turning point in our relationship and we can slowly climb out of this hole we dug for ourselves. Your compassionate responses are making a difference. Thank you.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I was re reading the five languages of love today and I thought of one that might be good for you. I was reading a story of a young couple having trouble ... gary chapman recommended they write down the four things that they most wanted their partner to do to make them feel special. Maybe that's something that is easy to do that might be of great value. And it might help you out by giving you some very specific instructions on how to make your wife happy.

 

[Meggie66]

Awww hal thats wonderful to hear, keep up the effort, the good things in life are worth working for.
Maybe we can all learn something here and I'm definately going to buy that book Dragons Tooth. I can so relate to a lot of what you have said. I ended my marriage 10 years ago, he wasnt a bad man, he worked very hard, provided well and I could have anything I wanted in a material sense. The problem is I dont really value material things, dont get me wrong I appreciate gifts but thats not the most important thing to me. I left because there was no affection between us, no cuddles or small gestures.
He was a very neat and tidy person but didnt help in the house, even though we both worked full time. I did all the housework and then he would criticise because it wasnt done "properly", it drove me mad. On his days off from work he watched TV all day, which didnt seem fair somehow.
He wasnt affectionate at all. (I suspect he was also AS but only realised this recently, which is another story !!!, I'm clearly attracted to men with AS qualities).
I'm currently on a break from my AS bf but we still have contact and I haven't given up hope, we're just having a bit of a "mexican standoff" about certain aspects of our relationship.
Keep us posted Hal and good luck x

 

[Ylva]

when I first found out about my asperger's my husband found an article that was really negative for the long term survival of an Aspie-NT relationship. I swear he almost broke us up over it. this was a research article by the way, not just some opinion or something. It was about fifty pages and dealt specifically with the aspie NT relationship.

Anyway there was a bit in there that specifically dealt with housework (as a metaphor for other things). It said that aspies are either hyper clean or hypo clean. If they are hyper they can't stand anything out of place so everything is perfectly neat. If they are hypo they actually have trouble seeing the mess. The aspie brain kind of filters it out because its not important in the grand scheme of things. Plus we have better things to do. This can lead to aspies having friction with their partners who see the world differently.

1) What was that article? Is it available on the internet?

2) I was hyper-clean as a child, but my mother conditioned me out of it (probably fearing that I would develop some OCD). I have been hypo-clean since I was a teenager, as it was expected of me, but I'm on my way back to at least moderately clean now. What I am getting at is that this may be a changeable thing.

 

[motormouse]

I'm also an NT and am married to an Aspie. I have exactly this problem with housework and feeling resentful of his time with the computer following his interests instead of helping. Recently I had a win by better articulating what I wanted him to do. I've started with him cooking Monday and Thursday dinners. He made spaghetti last night and I felt fantastic. I guess it is my language of love too. Maybe suggest to your wife to give you a roster of things you need to do so you have structure around the housework and you're more likely to do it. For me it's hard to ask for what I need or want but I'm working on it!

All the best Hal

Meggie, check out the new social group I created, link is in the signature block

 

[HAL_0]

Thanks motormouse. The roster was a good idea! We ended up seeing a counsellor who also suggested creating a roster. Included in the roster is a "date night" which gives me an incentive to keep my end of the bargain. We are slowly coming together again and I am understanding a bit more the stress she is under. The extra duties are a small price to pay for the signs of affection that are slowly returning. Hopefully things continue to improve from now on.

 

[Audra]

I am an NT in a long term relationship with an AS. I have studied much on Aspergers. I have read about it, talked about it, watched videos about it, joined forums,etc. My question is why do AS individuals do the same thing to learn about NTs? I see so many relationships failing because they fail to provide what the other needs. Especially the AS towards the NT emotionally. It is obvious that an NT woman needs things emotionally but I can find nothing to actually spell out what we need for him to read or watch. He says he needs specific things to do so he can make me happy. I feel like I have tried every way to communicate with him concerning this. Sometimes I am resentful and want to end the relationship because I feel he will never "get it". I really try to meet his needs and he is very demanding about alone time and being on the computer. I would like him to take the time to learn about me. Hal_0 do you think there may be an underlying problem that you are not addressing? I find my partner thinking I have a problem with surface things when in fact it is a much bigger issue. Does anyone have any suggestions or things they have learned about NT women and want they want and need. My partner is on the forum and I would like him to know other AS people are trying very hard and dont want to lose their relationships.

 

[Ylva]

I am not sure I understand what you are asking there, Audra, but I do in fact study NTs. I read books on applied psychology and body language and NLP. It has increased my intuitive understanding of people, but I am still nowhere near an NT level inderstanding.

Remember that he is not only an aspie, though. He should not be defined by his diagnosis. It still affects – or rather, informs – who he is. My usual advice to NTs communicating with aspies is, be as literal as possible. I should however add: do not be disrespectful. If someone is condescending to me, I shut off, and just a little more forcefully than NTs. I don't imagine he is different in that regard. (Please understand that I am not presuming things about your relationship – you could be perfectly respectful to him at all times for all I know – but I just read a book that said respect is the number one indicator as to whether the relationship survives or falls apart, so I thought I ought to mention it.)

 

[HAL_0]

Things have changed a bit now that my wife is more willing to share what's going on in her life. Rather than the continual complaining about my inactivity which was making me withdraw from family life. The more I withdrew from her and my responsibilities the more she complained a cycle which was difficult to break. Now that we are "communicating" better things are more hopeful. She has been a real rock these past two years and as I have been so focused on my own "stuff" I have forgotten that she has been suffering as well.

 

[HAL_0]

Audra you may be right. There could be something else. After my fine words of yesterday I still find myself sitting in my PJs. School has finished, mum and boys are on there way home yet I have accomplished nothing. Nada. I sincerely want this relationship to continue yet I don't seem able to keep my end of the bargain. My wife says I just don't like doing repetitive tasks yet I thought Aspies craved routine?

 

[Ylva]

I think that's the problem with identifyig with a diagnosis. Even if you meet all the criteria (except the no empathy one, which is ********) you are not going to meet all the criteria ALL the time. Add to that that you tend to believe what people say about you (at least I do; it takes me awhile to filter, and I have this unrelenting tendency to trust) and the confusion is a fact.

 

[Audra]

Thank you for responding.

What I am saying is that there are many books on aspergers and the the traits that AS individuals have. So I am able to understand the basic diagnosis and traits. Then I am able to see him as an individual and learn about him as I would anyone else.

Our problem lies in him understanding me. I cannot find any books to explain about NTs and their emotions and needs, etc.

For example we are in a long distance relationship and getting ready to meet.

Although I have talked to him for months and spoken to his mother etc. I can never be sure the person I am meeting is the one they "portrayed" themselves as on the computer.

Now he knows he is a nice normal guy and says what is the problem meeting me and staying in a hotel room? I am NT of course and I say I dont really know you. How do I know you are really trustworthy and a nice man and not out to harm me and that everything you have told me is true.

His response? Well it would be no different if we talking online or in person. Yes to him it is the same.

But I say you could be a serial killer for all I know.

He realizes things happen every day and admits he may be naive but he just doesnt get the fact that I am apprehensive

Second example is trying to explain to him what making love is versus having sex. So to an NT I would want our first time together to be intimate and loving.

He tells me we have talked about so many things in this area and would like to explore more.

Of course I was shocked and said this is our first time together. Lets just be loving and calm and not go off the rails here. I say well that probably isnt appropriate for a first meeting.

His response? Well why not? He feels like since we have discussed other things why cant we do it.

I say well this is the start of a hopefully long term life long relationship and it would be nice if we could share this as a nice romantic moment.

and so it goes back and forth. Back and Forth. He does not get it emotionally.

By this time I am drained.:banghead: I feel like a mother explaining to a kid. I am exasperated and frustrated and also disappointed honestly.

I have never felt so far apart right now from him. He doesnt have much experience in relationships. He thought that he would live his life as he does now and his partner would be there for him when he needed her. It never occurred to him that he would have to meet his partners needs. He is so used to being independent and not answering to anyone that he doesnt get that there are two people now and not just one. That chores have to be done and bills paid and all the other mundane things that are required to run a household. I have a home and property. He thought he could just continue to play games on the computer and not have a worry in the world. He cannot hold down a job after trying so many and now is awaiting his disability hearing. So basically he is a man of leisure and his roommate paid all the bills and got everything taken care of. I am also disabled but work and have many activities outside of the home. But unless I ask him to do something directly he doesnt do anything and he resents that he has to. He also thinks everything should work around him. I am just flabbergasted at how no one taught him about women and relationships. Keep in mind this man is in his 40's. So I need help. PLEASE