Living apart as a couple?

[Maelstrom]

I am learning to say that it really is, at the end of the day, both of your decision, but from a personal point of view, think it a great idea and, hehe because I am a christian and do not believe in living together, you of course, will get a huge plus from me

I am, actually like your boyfriend, in that I cannot cope with silence; which to me, is louder than that noise and my husband, who is the NT cannot cope with a lot of noise.

I also have many meltdowns, but being married, means no walking away and so, I beg my husband to leave me alone, so I can calm down.

I think you missed her point....it has nothing to do with wedding rings....she doesn't want him in the same house period!
The closest thing he is getting is a Frida house next door with drawbridges inbetween that can lock up!

In other words Optional right to Exile the guy when not feeling social...?....this will not end well if not resolved to the guys satisfaction some how!
Marriage or no!

Thank you for the star @Suzanne

 

[Maelstrom]

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to share & for your support. I was already pretty sure this was the best for the both of us, but I was worried I might have been delusional, so it's very reassuring to see that yes, there are people in the world who see this as a good way to deal with things.

Obviously, we're not rigid on the same things, but always being flexible on the things that don't matter quite as much for me as they seem to for him in order to avoid loud scenes is draining. Sometimes, I need to have my way, too (especially when it's more logical & practical). Likewise, he's had to do that, so I'm sure it's taken a toll on him too, and the last thing I want is us making each other miserable.

We do have a major issue with handling the road to my meltdowns; I've been able to identify the signs that it's on its way, and when I lived alone, I could do something about it (or when I'm outside/at work, running away to some quiet place or locking myself in the bathroom, or whatever). But living with him has been like living with my parents (one of which is an opinionated and loud Aspie), in that even when I identify the signs and ask to be left alone so that it doesn't explodes all over the place, he is unable to leave me alone and will insist on confronting me right here, right now. We both end up hurt afterwards, and we both need days to recover. Same for his outbursts, except I don't chase him across the apartment trying to get my point across, lol. But we never had such issues in over 10 years together living apart, so...

I don't think I actually wanted us to live together. I thought I did, because that's what people are supposed to do, and there were practical aspects such as splitting the rent in half, getting rid of that subway ride to see him, etc., that we thought made it worth it. Had I had my diagnosis done already, not just the self-diagnosis, I would have done my introspective "due diligence", and realized being alone is a vital need.


This is the story of my life, couldn't have phrased it better!


I'm certain there are Aspies who can enjoy each other's company, but it probably takes the right setting. And I have a feeling that the chances of successful cohabitation increase significantly if the matter is discussed openly and honestly before moving in together, just like when a contract is drafted. The ugly needs to be covered as well (in my case, the meltdowns), but who wants to talk about that? I'd be scared to make my significant other run away by talking about it, but isn't talking about it better than subjecting them to it without notice?

You don't have to be alone, I'm sure you can find an Aspie who is longing for companionship as well. It just takes finding someone with the right personality, and yes, the pool to find that special someone is smaller (but probably not as much smaller as we're told), but hang in there!

You are welcome... @Katleya , @Suzanne is right tho living together before marriage is rarely helpful...better to take your time and sort things properly before making the living together leap.
Also you are really stressed bad right now with the job and it may all be just too much for you presently, as you may be close to a nervous breakdown with all the bad things you had to put up with.
My sympathies on that...you may need some quiet time for that...maybe you should just heal for a bit before making any major life choices?

 

[Judge]

Yeah. I've been there. Lived with girlfriend I worked with. She was only a few feet away for eight hours a day and much closer when we went home. Eventually it got to me, had a meltdown and asked her to leave, with little reasoning. Tragic mistake on my part. One I think about all the time.

Sure I managed to repair the relationship, and admittedly it worked out a whole lot more for me having my alone time again. But this eventually got to her, and she dumped me one evening after I thought we had a rather pleasant weekend. I can only surmise she resented the situation, and felt less like a girlfriend and more like a friend with a few "benefits".

The worse of it all was along with all my NT girlfriends, at the time I didn't have a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism. I had no explanation for my traits and behaviors, though I'm not sure it would have mattered with any of them.

I'm afraid that about the only "solution" to such an issue that might be mutually beneficial is to develop a relationship with another person on the spectrum. Otherwise I suspect most NTs would prove anything but conducive to such an arrangement, either being initially or eventually resentful of such an arrangement. Unless of course they use or interpret the circumstances to stray outside the relationship.

In my self-imposed isolation I get the solitude I need. That with my loneliness I get to maintain my sanity. Not the best of trade-offs I suppose, but it is what it is. That in reality, there are some of us who are destined to be alone. For better or worse.

I suppose one can try such an arrangement, but just bringing it up could be setting up the entire relationship to fail.

 

[Mia]

is right tho living together before marriage is rarely helpful...better to take your time and sort things properly before making the living together leap.

It's actually very helpful Maelstrom. It's a trial run so to speak, after I lived with my boyfriend we married. But before that happened we knew exactly what we were getting into. Knowing beforehand makes or breaks a relationship. A piece of paper and a church wedding had literally nothing to do with staying married for thirty-four years.

 

[Thursday]

Aren't there any aspies who can enjoy eachothers company without feeling smothered?

Aww Mael, yes there are aspies who can enjoy each other's company, just as there are NT-aspie relationships that are good too. It all depends on the willingness of both to stick together and find whatever works along the way.

Me and my husband have our own thresholds for together time -- any more and we're prone to meltdowns. We have movie dates sometimes, and days when we just relax, play videogames, etc. a few days in a month. Most of the time, we busy ourselves with our own pursuits. You don't have to spend much time together every day, a morning hug might suffice or a short conversation at breakfast.

It'll be okay. Once you find someone you appreciate as a person, just make your own relationship rules.

I don't think I actually wanted us to live together. I thought I did, because that's what people are supposed to do, and there were practical aspects such as splitting the rent in half, getting rid of that subway ride to see him, etc., that we thought made it worth it. Had I had my diagnosis done already, not just the self-diagnosis, I would have done my introspective "due diligence", and realized being alone is a vital need.

The experience is still valuable at least...this way, you'd know what to expect and cover should the living situation changes I'm echoing the sentiments here with regards to the "standard". We're already different as it is, so it's only fitting that we have our idea of doing things. If the situation was flipped and there were more aspies than NTs, I bet living apart would be the standard.

If closeness becomes an issue later on, you could always live in a separate place that's closer in proximity. My parents are too social to be aspies but the funny thing is, they're content living in separate houses within the same street. They've been together for 35 years and still enjoy dates, etc, but they're houses apart 90% of the time.

So yes, what works, works!

 

[Thursday]

I suppose one can try such an arrangement, but just bringing it up could be setting up the entire relationship to fail.

It sounds like you were burned out for being in the same place as your girlfriend non-stop. Living apart can mean different things...like apartments in the same building or different parts of the house, even different houses.

At least you know your limits and when you find someone willing to compromise about the together time, then she'll be worth the time and effort (to adjust to some of her preferences too). There are a plethora of couple issues anyway, this can't be the weirdest one.

 

[Katleya]

I think you missed her point....it has nothing to do with wedding rings....she doesn't want him in the same house period!
The closest thing he is getting is a Frida house next door with drawbridges inbetween that can lock up!

In other words Optional right to Exile the guy when not feeling social...?....this will not end well if not resolved to the guys satisfaction some how!
Marriage or no!

Thank you for the star @Suzanne

Actually, we both agree that we liked it better living alone and having date nights/weekends, and that we both need the space. It worked for about 12 years before the big bad move, so no reason it shouldn't work again if it's a mutual need -- on the other hand, I wouldn't be too optimistic if it were a unilateral decision.

You are welcome... @Katleya , @Suzanne is right tho living together before marriage is rarely helpful...better to take your time and sort things properly before making the living together leap.
Also you are really stressed bad right now with the job and it may all be just too much for you presently, as you may be close to a nervous breakdown with all the bad things you had to put up with.
My sympathies on that...you may need some quiet time for that...maybe you should just heal for a bit before making any major life choices?

I think that you are right in advising not to rush things. (I also remember thinking I had made a terrible mistake less than a month after we got in the apartment, but it was a 5-minute walk to work, I can't handle public transportation and, well, in hindsight, I think I was selfish & didn't want to give up the one thing that made my life a little easier, no matter what the cost in terms of stress on the both of us. I've learned from that.

Yeah. I've been there. Lived with girlfriend I worked with. She was only a few feet away for eight hours a day and much closer when we went home. Eventually it got to me, had a meltdown and asked her to leave, with little reasoning. Tragic mistake on my part. One I think about all the time.

Sure I managed to repair the relationship, and admittedly it worked out a whole lot more for me having my alone time again. But this eventually got to her, and she dumped me one evening after I thought we had a rather pleasant weekend. I can only surmise she resented the situation, and felt less like a girlfriend and more like a friend with a few "benefits".

The worse of it all was along with all my NT girlfriends, at the time I didn't have a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism. I had no explanation for my traits and behaviors, though I'm not sure it would have mattered with any of them.

I'm afraid that about the only "solution" to such an issue that might be mutually beneficial is to develop a relationship with another person on the spectrum. Otherwise I suspect most NTs would prove anything but conducive to such an arrangement, either being initially or eventually resentful of such an arrangement. Unless of course they use or interpret the circumstances to stray outside the relationship.

In my self-imposed isolation I get the solitude I need. That with my loneliness I get to maintain my sanity. Not the best of trade-offs I suppose, but it is what it is. That in reality, there are some of us who are destined to be alone. For better or worse.

I suppose one can try such an arrangement, but just bringing it up could be setting up the entire relationship to fail.

I feel that you 2 were together nearly 24/7, and that must have been so stifling. I could never do that.
After going over each and every habit, quirk & characteristic of Mr. Katleya, I think I have found "my person on the spectrum". Now, if only I could muster the courage to bring him that test to confirm...
But I appreciate you warning me on possible not-so-nice effects, that's something to keep in mind.

 

[Maelstrom]

It's actually very helpful Maelstrom. It's a trial run so to speak, after I lived with my boyfriend we married. But before that happened we knew exactly what we were getting into. Knowing beforehand makes or breaks a relationship. A piece of paper and a church wedding had literally nothing to do with staying married for thirty-four years.

I am happy for you!

 

[Maelstrom]

Aww Mael, yes there are aspies who can enjoy each other's company, just as there are NT-aspie relationships that are good too. It all depends on the willingness of both to stick together and find whatever works along the way.

Me and my husband have our own thresholds for together time -- any more and we're prone to meltdowns. We have movie dates sometimes, and days when we just relax, play videogames, etc. a few days in a month. Most of the time, we busy ourselves with our own pursuits. You don't have to spend much time together every day, a morning hug might suffice or a short conversation at breakfast.

It'll be okay. Once you find someone you appreciate as a person, just make your own relationship rules.



The experience is still valuable at least...this way, you'd know what to expect and cover should the living situation changes I'm echoing the sentiments here with regards to the "standard". We're already different as it is, so it's only fitting that we have our idea of doing things. If the situation was flipped and there were more aspies than NTs, I bet living apart would be the standard.

If closeness becomes an issue later on, you could always live in a separate place that's closer in proximity. My parents are too social to be aspies but the funny thing is, they're content living in separate houses within the same street. They've been together for 35 years and still enjoy dates, etc, but they're houses apart 90% of the time.

So yes, what works, works!

You are so lucky...I hope I can find a aspie true love...I really don't match up well with NTs.

 

[LizE4life]

I've been pondering this for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that while I do love my boyfriend and wish I were able to live in harmony with him, it seems as unrealistic a wish as tying pillowcases to my arms and jumping out the window hoping I'll manage to fly.
My need for quietness, a certain routine and alone time is just so strong that it is incompatible with being a live-in girlfriend or wife. And it's really me, not him: I've tried to put myself in the other perspective, and I think it would be perceived as very cruel for anyone, even if they understand why I need this much space and me-time, to ask of them that they agree to leave me alone, let me sleep alone, cook alone, all while avoiding things that can make me snap or meltdown (and let's be honest here, I snap all the time. And if I try to control that, then I have a meltdown from suppressing too much of everything).

So I've been thinking perhaps we should go back to living apart; and this has nothing to do with going on a break or anything --turns out, he also prefers living on his own. He works from home, and living with me has affected his work pretty badly. In addition to that, he has somewhat similar needs to me in terms of space, alone time, and noise, except his is he must have noise around him at all times. (Side note: I can "scan" people as most of us probably do, and figure out fairly quickly if they're NTs or Aspies. Him? I can't. He's either an NT with an unusual number of, umm, traits, or an Aspie who has found the Rosetta Stone to reading people & expressions, and detecting manipulation). So we both feel it would be better to go back to 1 couple, 2 places if we want to stay together, otherwise we're just going to carry on being 2 raging balls of frustration, and nothing good will come out of this. We're very similar in our "mating for life approach", so that's not a concern to either one of us. We're also too set in our ways (and old, but that's him, not me) for thinking that any amount of therapy would help us be more tolerant of having someone sharing our space. Oddly enough, I think this reinforces the idea that we're soulmates (and I'm everything but the romantic type, trust me).

Have any of you ever considered or gone through things like that? I was thinking maybe some of you would have a constructive opinion that wouldn't sound like "umm, sweetie, you're doing this wrong, this is not how couples work".

I know there's no way I'm going to get sound advice or insight from the few NT friends I have, they're mostly people my age desperately trying to find someone, or people on the verge of break up, so either way, they would project their couple issues on me. Plus, no way super conformists will ever admit that maybe a different lifestyle is a smart choice.
So you all are pretty much the only people I can turn to.

Sounds like you have truly put some thought into it both emotionally and financially. I guess I'm an MY but fairly new to site. Son in process of being evaluated for AS. TRYING to get a better understanding of it. Enjoy your time as you need and the same when you are together. Peace!

 

[S-Head]

After 16 years of living together, mostly married, this is what Mr WereBear (NT) and I are doing. We live in an apartment on the third floor, and when a little first floor one became vacant about a month ago, I insisted we grab it.

Part of it is that we flat out needed more room, and this was the cheapest way to do it. Part of it is that Mr WereBear's health made a move problematic, and this was the easiest way to do it. Part of it was that our old apartment was so crowded I had to move from room to room as Mr WereBear's needs fluctuated, and it turns out this was not conducive to the creative process. (I am writing a book.)

It's been heavenly.

He spends some time with me on the first floor of an evening, and we do fun things together, but a lot of the rest of the time, he has his studio upstairs and I have mine downstairs. We both are getting work done (we are also running a small business, and he needs space for that) and have our time to ourselves.

Don't let artificial rules ruin a good thing. Do what works for you both. Make your together time really fun time by having your solitary time too.

While I have always loved my solitary time, finding out I am ND has both explained why, and made me realize how much I need it.

I have the same problem between my wife and myself. I would love to have a place where she would not come to when I go there. As it is, we have a house with 3 bedrooms; ours, hers, and mine. However, when I go to mine, she will barge in any time. And she comes hunting for me whenever there was a disagreement. She will come back and leave a dozen times, just making it worse each time.

So my question is, do you have that rule for your 2 apartments? I was thinking this could be a great thing for us, maybe if I could go into the basement and she would refrain from going down there, is it a possible solution? In Canada we have basements below the main level of the house that are typically unfurnished and used for storage, which is what we use it for.

I will of course be reading your blog about 2 apartments right now!

 

[Bolletje]

I live with my boyfriend, but we both agree that when we can afford it, it would probably be a good idea for me and one of the cats to get a place for myself in the area. I love him, but sometimes I feel trapped. Especially when I'm mad at him and feel like I want to get out of the house but have no place to go. Ideally, we'd live next door to each other.
I want the other place to be mine and mine alone. An opportunity might come up soon, because I've been offered a job in another city and I might have to rent a place for myself over there. I'd spend the weekends at home with my boyfriend, and the week by myself.

 

[Judge]

It's gratifying to hear others with such sentiments. This has always been a very difficult social dynamic for me to navigate, and feeling very alone about it. Especially with the impression that NTs are more than likely not going to be conducive to such notions.

But one Aspie to another...y'all seem to get this. I appreciate that.

 

[OlLiE]

there's no definition of what constitutes a happy relationship. there's no right and wrong, as long as you are both happy, my fiancé and i have agreed that i'll have my own room if need quiet or need to escape and isolate myself, it's maybe naive, but i hope that she will 'sync' to my rhythm for meals

 

[Ambi]

What's good about your figuring out why this situation is so challenging now is of course that now you know what strategy to use in the future - sounds like a bigger place is a must, unless you can carve out a private niche for yourself there? Also, can he use headphones instead of constant noise in the surrounding area?

What has worked for myself and my husband is that we have a 2 bedroom apartment - we share one room, and then I have the other one all to myself - I spend a lot of time in there, actually! I want to try to remember to spend less, but I just get sucked in and forget the time It is very relaxing to have my own space totally full of my own stuff and my own decor, my own books, etc, so I am very lucky - I know not everyone gets to have this! Also, if I'm having trouble with noise, my husband has no problem using headphones - but there is not usually a need for constant noise, so it's not usually an issue.

 

[Katleya]

I'm taking notes about having your own decor That is actually something that could help me feel a bit more in my own retreat, so it could ease my anxiety and panic a little.

Sadly, even the 2 bedroom thing isn't enough to keep us from feeling attacked and frustrated, and we had found the perfect apartment, one that's stretched out with a room at each end. Well, I have hyperacusis, and he has hypo. I need total silence to not be a walking timebomb... he needs TV at a rather high volume to even sleep (totally should have recognized this as the red flag that it is, but hey, I was young & delusional about living together a year and a half ago, and he was older and trying to make me happy... but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, or so I've heard). I've tried living with ear plugs and closing the doors, but then I started feeling like a prisoner of my own body (plus, with earplugs, I can hear my heart pumping the blood every second that passes, ughhhhhhhh).

 

[Ambi]

I'm taking notes about having your own decor That is actually something that could help me feel a bit more in my own retreat, so it could ease my anxiety and panic a little.

Sadly, even the 2 bedroom thing isn't enough to keep us from feeling attacked and frustrated, and we had found the perfect apartment, one that's stretched out with a room at each end. Well, I have hyperacusis, and he has hypo. I need total silence to not be a walking timebomb... he needs TV at a rather high volume to even sleep (totally should have recognized this as the red flag that it is, but hey, I was young & delusional about living together a year and a half ago, and he was older and trying to make me happy... but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, or so I've heard). I've tried living with ear plugs and closing the doors, but then I started feeling like a prisoner of my own body (plus, with earplugs, I can hear my heart pumping the blood every second that passes, ughhhhhhhh).

That is tough about him having to have the TV on a high volume even to sleep! I have read some articles on online by NTs who have decided to just live apart, even while married! It worked for them - they said it felt like they were still dating, which was a plus for them Maybe you could one day find apartments next to each other, or in the same building even I think it would be too stressful for me if I never had my solitude, I need it SO much - the more the better, it seems!

 

[Katleya]

It is tough, but I really don't blame him: it's like a mirrored version of me, so I actually understand how stressful it is for him to not be surrounded by sound constantly.

Ironically, the apartment opposite ours is available at the moment, but since I'm fresh out of a job, and might remain so for a while, we wouldn't even be considered by the realtor. Well, maybe it's too close & I would still have heard his TV on. I'll tell myself that in order to feel better about it

 

[Ambi]

It is tough, but I really don't blame him: it's like a mirrored version of me, so I actually understand how stressful it is for him to not be surrounded by sound constantly.

Ironically, the apartment opposite ours is available at the moment, but since I'm fresh out of a job, and might remain so for a while, we wouldn't even be considered by the realtor. Well, maybe it's too close & I would still have heard his TV on. I'll tell myself that in order to feel better about it

lol - actually, I was thinking that myself - you'd probably here the TV through the walls!

 

[JamesBon92007]

I've been pondering this for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that while I do love my boyfriend and wish I were able to live in harmony with him, it seems as unrealistic a wish as tying pillowcases to my arms and jumping out the window hoping I'll manage to fly.
My need for quietness, a certain routine and alone time is just so strong that it is incompatible with being a live-in girlfriend or wife. And it's really me, not him: I've tried to put myself in the other perspective, and I think it would be perceived as very cruel for anyone, even if they understand why I need this much space and me-time, to ask of them that they agree to leave me alone, let me sleep alone, cook alone, all while avoiding things that can make me snap or meltdown (and let's be honest here, I snap all the time. And if I try to control that, then I have a meltdown from suppressing too much of everything).

So I've been thinking perhaps we should go back to living apart; and this has nothing to do with going on a break or anything --turns out, he also prefers living on his own.

I have not read the other replies yet so here goes...

I have considered the same thing. My girlfriend and I cannot be in the kitchen at the same time. She is always putting things in different places. I spend more time trying to find the tools and ingredients than it takes me to cook/bake something. She uses more paper towels in a week than I use in two years (you know, save the trees and all that). She has every product known to mankind that comes in a spray bottle or can. The smell of most of them bothers me so much I have to go outside. I am constantly telling her how to do everything (though I'm getting better since I read a bunch of books and found this place). It seems like I can never get around to doing the things I want to do because she always has something else for me to do. If I am hot she is cold. If I am cold she is hot. We cannot agree on where to set the thermostat. She likes rock and roll and TV shows. Those things make me nuts. I bought her some wireless headphones so she can listen to that stuff while I'm home. She is NT and I am AS. We approach nearly everything differently. I keep thinking that the solution would be separate homes, possibly even next to each other. We could sleep together whenever we want. She, of course, thinks it's a silly idea and that we can work out our differences because our core values are the same. She has read several Asperger's books and is beginning to understand me a little better. For now we are trying to work it out.