Just getting so tired of 'Life'

[HelzBelz]

Don't fret, I'm not depressed and suicidal. I just find (and I think it's a common Aspie trait) that I'm so easily tired of the overwhelming-ness (it should be a word!) of Life. I know the life I lead would be challenging for a neuro-typical but it has always felt that way and I can't see a way through.

I'm doing the solo mum thing, which is way easier than the mentally/emotionally abusive marriage I was in; but raising five kids alone, being unable to maintain healthy friendships, finding work is always slightly overwhelming, even when I'm enjoying it, and struggling to find ways to recharge my batteries all add up to a grinding struggle to feel I'm doing ok with this adulting (this should be a word too!) stuff. With my lack of social abilities and struggle to comprehend healthy boundaries I feel I'm constantly failing my kids - either by saying too much or by not saying enough.

I enjoyed being an at-home mum when the kids were pre-schoolers but with them all at school I must work (New Zealand sole parent subsidies are granted provided you actively seek work). It's overwhelming to have the stimulation of work then coming home to a busy home with so many demands, and I struggle to find effective ways to recharge. I seem to end up withdrawing to my room to hide and escape into online videos, but need to balance that with responsibilities.

Don't get me wrong, my kids are great kids and all help out with jobs to keep our home ticking over, it's just the sole responsibility for everything and everyone is just so exhausting.

I've just had four days alone at the beach (lucky me!) as the younger kids went to their dads for five days, which will be my only break this year. And I read in the sunshine and lazed through my days but I just felt sad and kinda lonely. And I feel like nothing has changed. And all I see is years and years ahead of the same, then when the kids all finally leave and I don't have that responsibility my life will just be empty and lonely. This is all so very pessimistic, but I've been unable to shake these feelings for several years now.

We've been through some huge stuff over the past few years with two kids now diagnosed with severe Aspergers, finding one was sexually abused who then attempted suicide (THAT was overwhelming, and I'm truly grateful we've got through that) another had a nasty accident and broke his back (again, grateful he hadn't damaged spinal cord and can walk) shifting to a new town, meaning we all had to start fresh with no friends or connections, and the endless struggle for acceptance and understanding of my aspies in the school system.

I'm just so tired of it all and wish I could have a positive optimistic outlook on life, but it's all just hard and overwhelming. I don't even know where to start to get through this. Any ideas welcome.

 

[Streetwise]

YOU NEED CARERS TO HELP YOU OR YOU ARE GOING TO BE TOO ILL TO BE A MOTHER !.
GO TO HOPEFULLY AN AUTISM CHARITY /SOCIETY AND ASK FOR HELP AND GO TO A CARERS GROUP IF YOU GET TIME TO.
I WAS NURSING MY MOTHER WHO QUICKLY BECAME TOTALLY PARALYSED WITH MOTOR NEURONE DISEASE SO I UNDERSTAND TO AN EXTENT .

 

[Streetwise]

I WAS HOPELESS LIKE YOU BUT ALL I CARED ABOUT WAS KEEPING HER ALIVE .
YOU NEED TO TELL THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY SUPPORT YOU IN NEW ZEALAND HOW YOU FEEL IF THATS FAMILY?
IM PRAYING FOR YOU

 

[OkRad]

Me, too, but I am sucidal. I have no mental health insurance. I am considering Dr assisted Suicide. It's been too long and now it's no longer something I can look back on a say I Survived. The longer I go, the more ashamed I am to still be here. AND I am now getting sick. I survived only to be ill and die some way I don't want to die. I want to take matters ito my own hands before I cannot.

 

[Eromevol]

It helps me to see the suffering as a necessary part of life, like yin and yang. It's through the suffering I'm best able to see the light, to find gratitude in the simple things in life like the stars shining or the wind as it moves through the trees.

 

[jbalka]

I don't have too much to say, as I can't personally relate to your struggles, but I do know that dark thoughts don't last forever. Things will change (because life always changes), and you'll keep healing from all of the overwhelming things that have happened. If it's in the financial cards for you, maybe you could seek help-- or if that's not financially possible, I've found psychology self-help workbooks to be helpful at least for my anxiety in the past.

 

[HelzBelz]

Thanks for all your input. I'm just feeling like I've been low and overwhelmed for too long. I need to make some changes and find some support but again, too tired and overwhelmed to make a start. Have been in touch with a support agency for my newly diagnosed daughter, so when I finally meet her I will ask for support for me too. Thanks.

 

[EstimatedProphet]

Don't fret, I'm not depressed and suicidal. I just find (and I think it's a common Aspie trait) that I'm so easily tired of the overwhelming-ness (it should be a word!) of Life. I know the life I lead would be challenging for a neuro-typical but it has always felt that way and I can't see a way through.

I'm doing the solo mum thing, which is way easier than the mentally/emotionally abusive marriage I was in; but raising five kids alone, being unable to maintain healthy friendships, finding work is always slightly overwhelming, even when I'm enjoying it, and struggling to find ways to recharge my batteries all add up to a grinding struggle to feel I'm doing ok with this adulting (this should be a word too!) stuff. With my lack of social abilities and struggle to comprehend healthy boundaries I feel I'm constantly failing my kids - either by saying too much or by not saying enough.

I enjoyed being an at-home mum when the kids were pre-schoolers but with them all at school I must work (New Zealand sole parent subsidies are granted provided you actively seek work). It's overwhelming to have the stimulation of work then coming home to a busy home with so many demands, and I struggle to find effective ways to recharge. I seem to end up withdrawing to my room to hide and escape into online videos, but need to balance that with responsibilities.

Don't get me wrong, my kids are great kids and all help out with jobs to keep our home ticking over, it's just the sole responsibility for everything and everyone is just so exhausting.

I've just had four days alone at the beach (lucky me!) as the younger kids went to their dads for five days, which will be my only break this year. And I read in the sunshine and lazed through my days but I just felt sad and kinda lonely. And I feel like nothing has changed. And all I see is years and years ahead of the same, then when the kids all finally leave and I don't have that responsibility my life will just be empty and lonely. This is all so very pessimistic, but I've been unable to shake these feelings for several years now.

We've been through some huge stuff over the past few years with two kids now diagnosed with severe Aspergers, finding one was sexually abused who then attempted suicide (THAT was overwhelming, and I'm truly grateful we've got through that) another had a nasty accident and broke his back (again, grateful he hadn't damaged spinal cord and can walk) shifting to a new town, meaning we all had to start fresh with no friends or connections, and the endless struggle for acceptance and understanding of my aspies in the school system.

I'm just so tired of it all and wish I could have a positive optimistic outlook on life, but it's all just hard and overwhelming. I don't even know where to start to get through this. Any ideas welcome.

Over in the "adulthood discussion" forum of the members only forums, there's a long, long thread about mid-life burnout that you might find helpful, if only to reassure you that what's happening to you is nothing unusual!

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/asd-midlife-burnouts-loss-of-functioning-skills.13780/

Best of luck to you and welcome.

 

[HelzBelz]

Over in the "adulthood discussion" forum of the members only forums, there's a long, long thread about mid-life burnout that you might find helpful, if only to reassure you that what's happening to you is nothing unusual!

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/asd-midlife-burnouts-loss-of-functioning-skills.13780/

Best of luck to you and welcome.

Wow, great thread! So, so much clicking while I read through, but info-overload means I'll need to read some, digest it, then read some more. This certainly helps me put what's happening in perspective and start forming a plan to get myself back on track. I've GOT to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, as I'm coming home to five kids who need me to connect with them instead of hiding from them. Thanks for this thread - I'll explore the site more now.

 

[EstimatedProphet]

Wow, great thread! So, so much clicking while I read through, but info-overload means I'll need to read some, digest it, then read some more. This certainly helps me put what's happening in perspective and start forming a plan to get myself back on track. I've GOT to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, as I'm coming home to five kids who need me to connect with them instead of hiding from them. Thanks for this thread - I'll explore the site more now.

Best I can tell from a month or two of being active on this site @Warmheart is the proverbial straw that stirs the drink for us middle ager aspers. Honestly I have not had the energy to read the entire thread either, but/because I feel like I could have written two thirds of the stories myself. It is exhausting to think about, and dwelling is simply not productive or healthy. Best wishes.