"Judgement"

[Ylva]

Who here doesn't judge? What use is information to you if you don't?

Alternatively, what exactly do you mean by a phrase like "I don't judge"?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well, I don't like to judge.

But, I believe everyone subconsciously judges everyone - that's how you come to a conclusion of who you think they are as a person. I also do that in order to see if a person is good "friend material" for me. A person's first judgement isn't always correct so I tend to give people more time before I make a decision of what I think about them.

When I say I don't like to judge others, I mean that however they want to live is fine by me, but it doesn't mean I could live the way they do or be comfortable friends with them. I see everyone as being free to do what they want as long as it doesn't infringe on my life and what I want to do.

Judgement is supposed to be left to The Big "G".

 

[zurb]

I think when people say 'I don't judge', they generally mean 'I don't condemn' or 'I don't look down on people'.
Sometimes people say 'I'm not one to judge' which can also mean either 'I'm guilty too' or 'I'm unqualified.'
Do you have more context?

 

[Ylva]

I think when people say 'I don't judge', they generally mean 'I don't condemn' or 'I don't look down on people'.
Sometimes people say 'I'm not one to judge' which can also mean either 'I'm guilty too' or 'I'm unqualified.'
Do you have more context?

Well, I was participating in a discussion about a woman who regrets adopting her autistic daughter. It is worth noting that the adopted "child" is presently over thirty, so this isn't something the mother just blurted out in exasperation. One of the other participants said that she wasn't judging, and I just thought, "what are you doing in this conversation, then?", but got to thinking about the phrase instead of the case, since think it's pretty clear-cut that the woman in question (the mother, not the participant) is a lousy sort of person.

I should mention that this is a news story, not someone I know personally.

 

[zurb]

You mean the adoptive mother regrets adopting, not the biological mother regrets adopting out?
Either way, I think the person is saying they won't pass judgement (in a negative sense - ie condemn) the mother for what she said, and in a similar situation might even feel the same.
Actually, there is another sense in which it could be used, and that is to deny what they are doing (similar to 'I'm just joking'), but it would generally contain the word 'but'. ie 'I'm not judging but ....'

 

[Jaywalker]

Who here doesn't judge? What use is information to you if you don't?

Alternatively, what exactly do you mean by a phrase like "I don't judge"?

I judge; and I'm judged. It's part of life.

 

[The Penguin]

Well, I was participating in a discussion about a woman who regrets adopting her autistic daughter. It is worth noting that the adopted "child" is presently over thirty, so this isn't something the mother just blurted out in exasperation. One of the other participants said that she wasn't judging, and I just thought, "what are you doing in this conversation, then?", but got to thinking about the phrase instead of the case, since think it's pretty clear-cut that the woman in question (the mother, not the participant) is a lousy sort of person.

I should mention that this is a news story, not someone I know personally.

This will be a venting mode for me. I was placed in foster care system twice. I'm very confused making sense what a family really is? Many of you know I have expressed many things about my life.

To clear things up, I was not placed in foster care of being autistic. As things stand, it undecided if I'm autistic as noted in this post Neurologist Appointment | AspiesCentral.com

I was not placed in foster care of having a learning disability. I know I need to becarful what I decided to share about my personal life. What I know there was some judgment about me while being in foster care was not fair. On top of this I need to live with pain for life not understanding what a family is about. All I know when I was 17 I got my own apartment and I was on my own and no friends.

Some of you know from my post I have to overcome many stuff over the years on my own. Parents need to consider their actions if they have a child or decides to adopt. If you can't bare the responsibility, if your a person will give up on a child because she or he is not normal, then you are adding pain in their lives which I'm facing right now.

I know I will fix many things in my life while not feel loved by a family. I have family that cares, but I don't feel loved with all the events happen in my life. I don't feel they treat me equally. I was the rare few in my family was placed in a foster home and I was not one of those trouble kids. Anyhow, I think I went beyond my limit on venting. I will close this by I'm disappointed on parents give up on their child!

 

[Ylva]

You mean the adoptive mother regrets adopting, not the biological mother regrets adopting out?

Yes, the adoptive mother regrets adopting. No word on the biological parents, except that they may have been abusive (the article is full of euphemisms). Anyway, although I can understand not wanting a child to begin with, and I can even, if I stretch, understand wanting to give back a child you got because you wanted it before you've developed any kind of bond with it; even with all of that, I cannot for the life of me comprehend harassing your adult daughter for having been disabled.

Some of you know from my post I have to overcome many stuff over the years on my own. Parents need to consider their actions if they have a child or decides to adopt. If you can't bare the responsibility, if your a person will give up on a child because she or he is not normal, then you are adding pain in their lives which I'm facing right now.

Congratulations on making it through all of that. It's safe to say that you have a lot of strength.

I agree: people should really get more realistic about what it means to have a child and parent it before getting one. Otherwise they will get all angry when the child fails to live up to their expectations. It's better for everyone if they are reasonable.

 

[King_Oni]

SUppose the expression "I don't judge" can go 2 ways. When I say "I'm not judging" is often refers to that I have no positive or negative bias towards a certain specific. If someone was into some kind of odd sexual activities for example, I'm not judging and pretty much go "whatever floats your boat". There are so many things I feel ambivalent about... or just have no opinion on whatsoever, and honestly, I can think of better things to do with my time then form an opinion on everything. Perhaps that in turn makes me world a bit smaller, but I rather put time I things of interest.

Come to think of it; I don't even think I put much thought in my judgment process at all. At times I feel like there's this other part of the brain that just signals me that something is fine or isn't fine and goes on with the judgment process all by itself; with many things I do, I couldn't even start explaining why I do them. Perhaps it's intuition... which I know, is a horrible basis to make decisions upon, but so far I can't complain for making bad decisions much (though one might argue that if I were to be able to peek into the future, some decisions would've been different... but that's in hindsight I suppose).

The moment I have to judge, it'll be a lengthy process. Give me a 4 week notice to form an opinion on something. And I might come up with something. But again, if it's not of direct interest or impact to me, I often don't care at all. Since I feel forming an opinion relies on gathering information, gathering facts and again... if I feel my time is better spent doing something else, I'll happily move on.

 

[Suzanne]

Good question

One of the main reasons, I am social phobic ie HATE scrutiny, is because I am not above judging myself and as hard as I try to not, it happens.

When one says they don't judge, to my mind, it is like a self serving smug badge they wear. It is just not possible for a single human being to not be judgemental about something.

I think one needs to use specifics when this is said. I don't judge you if you want to share with me, your sexuality etc.

 

[Suzanne]

Well, I was participating in a discussion about a woman who regrets adopting her autistic daughter. It is worth noting that the adopted "child" is presently over thirty, so this isn't something the mother just blurted out in exasperation. One of the other participants said that she wasn't judging, and I just thought, "what are you doing in this conversation, then?", but got to thinking about the phrase instead of the case, since think it's pretty clear-cut that the woman in question (the mother, not the participant) is a lousy sort of person.

I should mention that this is a news story, not someone I know personally.

I read this account and like you, I think she is a lousy person. Thought out her article it was all about her and her family, who has gone through untold suffering, because of this young lady. Not once did she say anything in favour of the "daughter". The thing is that couples went into adoption with the wrong motives. Like Matthew from Anne of Green Gables said: what can we do for HER? It is a fact of life that no wanted child is going to be adopted out; and this is what many adopters fail to realise.

 

[IrishAspie]

Everyone Judges everyone, that's how humans make decisions, its not a bad thing.
That Phase "I'm not judging" is for me just another example of a flat out lie which NT's see no harm in.
It actually means "please don't get offended by my judgement"
I get why you started trying to figure it out, I've had similar experiences over the years with what I see as really odd phrases and trying to translate them.

 

[StephF]

When I say "I don't judge" I usually mean things like it doesn't bother me if some is gay or straight or white or black etc.
As Grumpy says, we all judge. You can't make a decision based on information without judging.

I just don't make judgments on irrelevant information. What's irrelevant ?
Your skin colour, your religion, your sexuality, anything that doesn't directly impact on the topic at hand.

 

[Harrison]

The moment we have an opinion we have also made a judgement, so I judge. One can only hope that our judgement is sound more often than not.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Yes, the adoptive mother regrets adopting. No word on the biological parents, except that they may have been abusive (the article is full of euphemisms). Anyway, although I can understand not wanting a child to begin with, and I can even, if I stretch, understand wanting to give back a child you got because you wanted it before you've developed any kind of bond with it; even with all of that, I cannot for the life of me comprehend harassing your adult daughter for having been disabled.



Congratulations on making it through all of that. It's safe to say that you have a lot of strength.

I agree: people should really get more realistic about what it means to have a child and parent it before getting one. Otherwise they will get all angry when the child fails to live up to their expectations. It's better for everyone if they are reasonable.

I have to remark that having a child is not a reasonable decision. I don't see how to be realistic about an experience that permanently transforms life in the way that becoming a parent does. Especially if you weren't expecting it because you had reason to believe it couldn't happen (not just wishful thinking).

I believe it's not about reason. It's about being willing to take on one of the most formidable challenges life has to offer, with the understanding that this small life coming into existence will demand much, return little, and be wholly a priority over everything because no one else will care as much as you will.

It's not about the biology, either. People should not just assume parenting comes as part of marriage or just "being together." We can choose that now. And anyone who thinks a child "owes" it to them to live up to their expectations is a problem parent, and emotionally immature. God help the child who has to grow up nurtured by a teenager in an adult's body with an adult's privileges.

A little off topic, now: One thing I didn't realize was that it was possible for me to be a better parent than my parents were, not because of trying to be "the opposite" of them but because it was so easy to tune in to what the baby wanted, then the child, and sometimes now even the man. It was really hard conforming to conventions, but that wasn't about the baby. I would never have known what it would be like to be a safe place for someone if I had not had a child. I would also not know how able I was to rise to challenges and fight with civil ferocity for that child.

Back on topic: Foster care is a whole 'nother story, but several of my son's friends were foster children who were loved by their foster parents. The abusive background early on is a real problem, I don't know how a child ever recovers from that. You just go on and try to cope with the selfhood issues.

 

[Slithytoves]

This is one of those questions that really made me think, since I often say I don't usually judge people. Thanks, Ylva, for giving me impetus for a conscious exploration of this subject.

First I should define what I will mean by "judgment" for the purposes of my answer. When I hear that word in a social context, I think of making a judgment as forming an opinion, which entails filtering information through my personal values, principles, preferences, sensibilities and beliefs.

I used to judge people quite casually when I was young. I was pretty high-minded and uncompromising, not to mention ignorant of life and the complexities of the human condition. As time went on and I suffered hardships, made wrong choices and flat-out mistakes, and suffered judgment from others based on superficial considerations and limited information, I began to think a lot harder before I passed judgments of my own. It still happened, but a little bit less.

Years later, when I was training for the rabbinate and as a social worker, I was taught how to suspend judgment and take in information objectively, to fill in a picture of a person or event as part of a professional role. It's a mode of listening that takes a great deal of practice. I have to tell myself that what I'm doing is an objective assessment, which is a deliberate action and always will be. Left to my own devices, I judge automatically, just like anyone else. But I can in fact suspend judgment when I choose to. The older I get, the more I actually prefer to do it. Things are almost never what they seem, and I've found that it's our natural tendency to judge that closes our minds. I don't like calcified opinions. They don't feel good to me. And the few seconds it takes to enter an objective frame of mind gives me the benefit of more self-awareness, which is something I strive for. Mindfulness.

Information is still valuable, essential even, when consciously refraining from judging. In fact, I'd say the more information I have, the easier it usually is for me not to judge a person or event. When I have at least a decent proximity of the whole picture of something, It is easier for me to see why things happen the way they do, including human behavior. It allows me to try on the perspective of others so I can better see where they are coming from.

I've always been a social observer, so for me, taking in information about a person or event objectively serves the same purpose as taking in information about an inanimate object. It's knowledge for future reference. I'm always happy to have as much as possible of that.

 

[KinksFan]

I think when people say 'I don't judge', they generally mean 'I don't condemn' or 'I don't look down on people'.
Sometimes people say 'I'm not one to judge' which can also mean either 'I'm guilty too' or 'I'm unqualified.'
Do you have more context?

I'm known for saying all those things because I choose not to look down on people and I'm unqualified, because I have problems myself. I also refrain from judging, because I feel that it's wrong for people to judge those whom they don't know.

 

[epath13]

I've never met a person who doesn't charge

 

[Ste11aeres]

In my opinion, "I'm not judging" is just something that people say because they think it sounds good. I think in many cases when they say it, they say it in regards to things that they know lend themselves to judgement, they say it in regards to things that they know are blameworthy. I think that phrase, if anything, often indicates that the person actually has passed a negative judgment on the thing that they purportedly are not judging.

 

[Slithytoves]

In my opinion, "I'm not judging" is just something that people say because they think it sounds good. I think in many cases when they say it, they say it in regards to things that they know lend themselves to judgement, they say it in regards to things that they know are blameworthy. I think that phrase, if anything, often indicates that the person actually has passed a negative judgment on the thing that they purportedly are not judging.

I think you've summarized a lot of truths with this. Also, in my own experience a lot of people will say, "I'm not judging" because they want more information for the personal satisfaction of hearing more about what they feel is a controversial or judgment-worthy. So "I'm not judging" is often a reliable clue that someone is.

From what I've noticed, "I'm not judging" came into common usage in the recent era of political correctness. People who really aren't judging shouldn't have to say anything at all. There are a million other ways to demonstrate by expression or body language that a person is open and objective. I'll tell people I don't judge if I'm having a conversation about judgment. Otherwise, I normally just assume people who know me are aware that I try very hard not to engage in the practice. I don't feel any compulsion to announce it.