It's complicated

[Jet Weiss]

I mentioned in my introduction thread that my dad passed away six months ago and my mum is in a new relationship.

I am having a lot of trouble with this relationship and this guy in particular. First of all I think it is a bit odd that he willingly jumped into a relationship with my mum knowing that her former husband had recently died. He says really negative things about my dad and even makes some rather dark jokes about the situation, which I do not like. My mum never reprimands him for making these type of jokes.

He is clearly obsessed and infatuated with my mum. Is a bit creepy tbh. He talks to her nonstop and gets very sad when she has to do other stuff without him. He will send her constant messages when she is not with him. I tried at first to give him the benefit of the doubt because they seem to really be in love. But he bothers me quite a lot.

This guy is trying really hard to make friends with me. However another thing that bothers me is that he thinks everything I say is funny. I don't have a filter and he interprets everything I say as a joke or that I am trying to be humorous.

The nature of his conversations with me and my mum is always that he is trying to make a joke out of everything. I find it quite annoying. I don't know if it is a cultural difference or something, we are Danish/German and he is from Australia. It's also annoying for me in the sense that I sometimes can't tell when he's joking or being sarcastic and sometimes I get mad or offended and retaliate. He gets very sad when I'm negative towards him and sometimes I do feel bad because it seems that he really wants me to like him.

Another thing I should probably mention is that this guy has a crazy ex who likes to harass my mum. This woman created several fake account on social media every time my mum blocked her. She also tried to make it look like she was married to my mum's boyfriend to try to deter her from dating him. She just weaves this crazy web of lies to try to ruin their relationship. I am honestly seeing alot of red flags here.

So I guess with all that said the question I'm really trying to ask here is how can I get along with this guy or at least tolerate him. Also how can I talk to my mum about how I feel about him and express my concerns appropriately.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Jet W.

 

[Joel's Hear]

I can't give you any advice except from my personal experience, Jet.

First of all, I think it is really creepy that this guy makes fun of your deceased dad constantly, and that your mom won't make the slightest pretense to defend his memory. She might one day get sick of his attacks, but I don't know. It reminds me of a creepy landlord I once had, when, upon hearing his eldest son had just died (I heard it from his youngest son) I went down to offer my condolences. The landlord simply laughed, stared oddly at his most recent of four wives, and only said, "He was fat."

Secondly, I second what you said that its a little odd that he jumped right in trying to date your mum just after your dad died. Another creepy thing.

Third, is this new guy younger than your mom? He seems to fawn on her like a bad imitation of a puppy. When my wife's mom had started dating a convicted murderer 16 years her junior (she was covering up his dark past until my wife's father, a former policeman, asked an old colleague to do a background check) he had acted much like this.

Fourth, it sounds like your mum has framed you to this guy as "special little Jet- he doesn't get anything, but he's so funny". This is why the guy is treating you like a "funny" invalid. I can't write the times this has happened to me.

Fifth, the new boyfriend's ex! My mom was dating a married man and his thirty-year-old son came driving up to my house and jumped out with a golf club in hand, drunk, angry, and screaming. I can almost say I don't blame the confused guy, but I was scared, being only fifteen at the time. My mum and her beau were in the house, doing God knows what, and they wouldn't come out. I told the guy to go and he wasn't about to hurt a kid and he left.

Sixth, and this is the hardest piece of advice to give: you might as well make friends with the guy, it'll make life better for you. Don't worry, you won't forget he's a d**k. After my mom died, I only saw the guy she had been dating one more time. He seemed soulless and sad, and I never saw him again.

 

[Streetwise]

its that old tired explanation mental illness HES insecure childish in social interactions but your mother is 'of age 'an old expression and wont change until she wants to
and give a sign through your body language if HES going over your boundary line look calm but cold
humans understand energy very well

 

[Jet Weiss]

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

Joel's Hear- I think it's creepy as well, he didn't even know my dad so I don't know why it's so appealing to make jokes about him. I just think it's weird and offensive. He has made some rude comments about my dad as well and said things along the lines of "He was batsh*t crazy" and "Good riddance".
Wow, wtf about what your landlord said. That's a disturbing reaction to his son's death imo.

Very odd that he jumped right into the relationship with her, and I am not totally sure on this but I think my mum may have felt pressured to date him. Of course all the while his ex was harassing her and trying to get her to reconsider.

Yes, he is younger, my mum is in her 30s and he is 27. Tbh the convicted murderer thought has occurred to me regarding him as well. My dad was no saint himself but I do wonder what this guy's story is. I do know that he used to frequent forums and some members made some accusations and he was banned, not completely clear on what the nature of the accusations was though. I do know that he is also quite adept at hacking computers.

I sincerely hope that's not how my mum framed me to him, but it is possible. My mum is my biggest supporter though and she does understand about people who are on the spectrum as my dad was also on the spectrum. I think he himself does not understand people who are on the spectrum though and he just thinks everything I say is cute or funny. He also treats me like I'm eight years old.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the ex showed up at our house with a golf club. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, that sounds horrible!

I will make friends with him, I suppose, but I will never like him. My worst fear is that they're going to get married.
He is also somewhat of a narcissist and thinks the world revolves around him, particularly that my mum's brain revolves around him and he's a sex god or something. I also find it creepy that he discusses their sex life in front of me.


Streetwise- You're correct, he is childish in his social interactions. I know my mum won't change unless she wants to but that bothers me.
Body language is difficult for me but I will try to do that.

 

[Momo]

One thing I can say about Australians is we do have a strange sense of humour. But if this man is making you feel uncomfortable you should say so. My father used to make jokes at my expense, or the expense of my brothers and mother. I remember he even made a joke about my dead Auntie at her funeral! The thing is, sometimes people like that can be a bit off kilter, or worse. So it may be best to keep an eye out. If he's only been around for a while he could just be making these jokes just to test the water out, pushing boundaries so to speak. My father used to do the "false" joke thing often, hell, he threw us out of the house so many times I can barely keep track, sometimes beat my brothers to a pulp, likely had a certain letch for me, multiple other women; and yet dutiful mum will always return. The thing is, he didn't start off violent, he would begin the cycle by acting charming and then move on to jokes before it went dark. To be honest with you, this man sounds somewhat similar to my father, who is slightly sociopathic, to say the least. But I am rather paranoid so perhaps my advice on the matter is not the best

 

[Jet Weiss]

Thank you for your reply Momo, it is much appreciated.

I do think the jokes may be part of a cultural difference, he has mentioned before about Australians having a different sense of humour. He also seems a bit more laid back and easygoing than my family and takes things more lightly. My dad's side of the family vs. my mum's side also have some cultural differences as far as humour is concerned.
I do think he is a bit off, he just really bothers me.
I think he is trying to push boundaries a bit though my mum doesn't seem bothered by his jokes.

 

[Momo]

Thank you for your reply Momo, it is much appreciated.

I do think the jokes may be part of a cultural difference, he has mentioned before about Australians having a different sense of humour. He also seems a bit more laid back and easygoing than my family and takes things more lightly. My dad's side of the family vs. my mum's side also have some cultural differences as far as humour is concerned.
I do think he is a bit off, he just really bothers me.
I think he is trying to push boundaries a bit though my mum doesn't seem bothered by his jokes.

My mum was never bothered by my father either, she thought of him as her soul mate even as he threw her out like rubbish and took everything from her including her friends and family and ruined her children. So no, I don't think what this new guy is doing is appropriate, and I am Aussie, so that may as well count for something.

 

[Momo]

Either he's a bit off, or you're mum's found herself a real bogan of a man

 

[Jet Weiss]

I have actually heard him use the term bogan but I'm not completely clear on what it means! My understanding is that it is similar to calling someone a chav? Or would be bonderøv in Denmark... I hope I'm not using too offensive words

The situation with my mum and dad was actually similar to how you describe your dad treated your mum, and I think that is why my mum hates my dad so much but I don't think she realised how f***ed up the situation was until he was gone. My dad was a serial cheater though too and when he cheated it was always with men. I will explain more about this in another thread at some point I think.

I don't think what he's doing is appropriate either. Thank you for your input!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

The biggest concerns I have is the denigrating your Dad in front of you, the fact he seems a bit pushy in ways, the fact he may have hacked into computers, his impoliteness, and the fact the ex is still in the picture.

I am not sure how long your mother and him have been dating, and if he is just trying so hard to be liked, but certainly you do not have to like his ways. I would try to tell your mother that you are not really comfortable with him for those reasons, so until you are, do not expect you to treat him like some best friend or family.

Just try to be mostly yourself around him. If he or your mother does not like that, that is their issue, as they are doing and saying what they want. If your mom takes his side, on occasion tell him then as calmly as possible things at the right times like, "I do not want to hear about that" or "I loved my Dad." Then see how he responds, to learn more about him. If he does not change his ways, yes, more red flags are showing.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Those are my biggest concerns as well...

He has been dating my mum since mid-January, I think? That is when I first had any knowledge of his existence anyhow. They met online. I am having quite a bit of anxiety around telling my mum how I feel about him. I don't want her to then go to him and tell him what I said and have him make me the enemy. I certainly don't want to treat him like a friend and especially not family. He refers to us as his family which gets on my nerves.

Neither of them seems to have taken issue with me acting like myself around them. I have tried telling him that I loved my dad but he says things like "You see what you want to see."

Another thing I should mention about him is that he is very, very needy. I know I am immature as well but he is immature to the point that it's not okay. He is always trying to cuddle with my mum (in a nonsexual way) and he says things that sound like a six year old would say them, i.e. making jokes about poo. I get that he is young but he's not that young.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Those are my biggest concerns as well...

He has been dating my mum since mid-January, I think? That is when I first had any knowledge of his existence anyhow. They met online. I am having quite a bit of anxiety around telling my mum how I feel about him. I don't want her to then go to him and tell him what I said and have him make me the enemy. I certainly don't want to treat him like a friend and especially not family. He refers to us as his family which gets on my nerves.

Neither of them seems to have taken issue with me acting like myself around them. I have tried telling him that I loved my dad but he says things like "You see what you want to see."

Another thing I should mention about him is that he is very, very needy. I know I am immature as well but he is immature to the point that it's not okay. He is always trying to cuddle with my mum (in a nonsexual way) and he says things that sound like a six year old would say them, i.e. making jokes about poo. I get that he is young but he's not that young.

So creepy! It's that fake imitation puppy thing. That is disgusting about the poo comments, he's not talking to kids and definitely isn't one.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Yeah, my mum is a bit weirded out by the poo jokes as well and says things like "Are you serious?"
I am probably about as socially mature as a 12 year old most of the time but I don't go around talking about poo! And my mum says to him "It's sh*t, not poo, you're an adult"

On the subject of "he's not talking to kids," he treats me like I'm eight or nine, I'll be 18 in a few weeks. He always wants to get me to laugh at his poo jokes and the way he approaches interactions with me is roughly the same way you would treat a child. I don't think he thinks I'm very intelligent tbh.

Sometimes he will say things to my mum along the lines of "Tell me how much you love me" and I just find that weird. He tries to act cute and he is way too old to be doing that imo.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Another thing is that my mum likes her conversations to be intellectually stimulating and this guy can not follow nor keep up. He always reverts back to the cutesy stuff.

My mum and dad were matched up very well as far as intelligence is concerned. My dad was on the spectrum and he liked to have intellectual discussions and debates. My mum is not on the spectrum but she is very intelligent and imo she needs someone who can keep up with her mentally.

All this guy says when she wants to have a debate or an intelligent discussion is "I love when you get nerdy."

 

[Jet Weiss]

One more thing, he always calls me a c*ckblock. So very immature.
"Children are nature's c*ckblocks" apparently...

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Those are my biggest concerns as well...

He has been dating my mum since mid-January, I think? That is when I first had any knowledge of his existence anyhow. They met online. I am having quite a bit of anxiety around telling my mum how I feel about him. I don't want her to then go to him and tell him what I said and have him make me the enemy. I certainly don't want to treat him like a friend and especially not family. He refers to us as his family which gets on my nerves.

Neither of them seems to have taken issue with me acting like myself around them. I have tried telling him that I loved my dad but he says things like "You see what you want to see."

Another thing I should mention about him is that he is very, very needy. I know I am immature as well but he is immature to the point that it's not okay. He is always trying to cuddle with my mum (in a nonsexual way) and he says things that sound like a six year old would say them, i.e. making jokes about poo. I get that he is young but he's not that young.

So, based on what you know about your Mom, do you think she can she keep a secret if you told her about those concerns with him, and if you told her you do not want her to tell him what you told her as it would definitely make things even more uncomfortable or worse for you, and for him and you in any communications and opinions about each other?

Maybe just ask her, "Mom, can you promise to keep a secret if
I told you something that is bothering me?" If she seems sincere and honest at saying she will honor your request for total privacy no matter what the subject is about, then maybe she can be trusted. Test her out though more.

Maybe say, "Ok, but it is about 'His name' , so I will only tell you if you promise not to tell him anything, as this is just between you and I, and because if you tell him, I will get very upset that you are putting him before me. I then will have difficulty trusting you, and as things will get even worse between him and me if you break your promise."

Then, if she agrees to total confidentiality, but instead later breaks her words by telling him those things you told her about him, she has only herself to blame if things get worse between him and you, and if you get upset at her, and the guy cries and acts like some immature kid. This then would then give you more reason to say what you think about him.

That is just my recommendation, as it seems like you are in a tough situation, as if you do nothing, things will continue and he gets closer to your Mom and he could get even weirder, with them thinking you are accepting things, but if you tell her those things about him, and she does not guarantee strict confidentiality, yes, things could get worse.

If you think your Mom could agree to such a guarantee of confidentiality, about your feelings about him, of course telling her would seem to be the better option, instead of doing nothing. He should not be able to act like a fool, without you having your input. Some parents can be trusted, some cannot. I do not know your mom well enough to say if she would put you first, ot him. It depends on how needy she is too, or if she sees him short term or long term.

 

[Mary Terry]

He sounds potentially destructive of your relationship with your mother. Your mom may be hurting emotionally from the loss of your dad, and has taken up with this guy to get past that loss. Reach out to her and share your concerns about boyfriend.

If he is a true narcissist, he will do anything to get attention and adoration and is incapable of empathy. Narcs are hideously manipulative people. Narcissism is a spectrum mental illness and the more seriously impaired ones have grandiose breaks with reality. I have one in my family - diagnosed with full blown narcissistic personality disorder, has breaks with reality on occasion, but refuses to see his psychiatrist because of course in his delusional mind, he knows everything and the shrink knows nothing. I went "no contact" with him several years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

Also, change your computer passwords and security details frequently. He sounds like he knows how to snoop to get an advantage over you. Narcs love to play one family member off against the other because it generates attention for the narc. One of their techniques is to "gas light" other people in order to disrupt family relationships that take the spotlight off them. Don't let this guy interfere with your relationship with your mother.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Dadwith2autisticsons- Thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated. I do trust my mum and I think she can keep a secret.
She generally puts me first before him. She still spends a lot of time with me without him but that seems to irk him. He is extremely clingy and he gets jealous of me. Even I know that it is childish what he's doing.
Sometimes I still receive hugs or cuddles from my mum and this makes him really upset and he carries on about how he wants to feel loved too.

Mary Terry- It seems to me that destroying my relationship with my mum is his goal?
He wants her all to himself and he wants her annoying son out of the picture, that is how it seems to me. He is quite obsessed with her.

I may have used the word "narcissist" a bit too loosely, I apologise. My paternal grandmother was a true narcissist and he doesn't seem as bad as she was. However he is certainly manipulative and emotionally needy and probably does have some type of personality disorder or attachment issue.
He does seem to want to pit us against each other in order to get more attention from my mum though.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Dadwith2autisticsons- Thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated. I do trust my mum and I think she can keep a secret.
She generally puts me first before him. She still spends a lot of time with me without him but that seems to irk him. He is extremely clingy and he gets jealous of me. Even I know that it is childish what he's doing.
Sometimes I still receive hugs or cuddles from my mum and this makes him really upset and he carries on about how he wants to feel loved too.

Mary Terry- It seems to me that destroying my relationship with my mum is his goal?
He wants her all to himself and he wants her annoying son out of the picture, that is how it seems to me. He is quite obsessed with her.

I may have used the word "narcissist" a bit too loosely, I apologise. My paternal grandmother was a true narcissist and he doesn't seem as bad as she was. However he is certainly manipulative and emotionally needy and probably does have some type of personality disorder or attachment issue.
He does seem to want to pit us against each other in order to get more attention from my mum though.

It sounds like he is controlling and very emotionally needy, and possibly has codependence traits likely from some abuse he faced in the past growing up as a child or with his last relationship. He feels love for himself when he attaches to someone else and they show him love back.

So, when you get love and affection from your mom, he sees that as a threat, just like he saw your deceased Dad as a threat to him, with his undivided attention. He felt less loved. Those with codependence traits can act irrational and immature, and be too clingy and pushy.

Regardless what condition he has, or traits of several, I feel your mom is obviously in an unhealthy relationship, and you both are victim to his severe emotional needs and bizarre ways. It sounds like he has no empathy towards your feelings, and he is in a zone to get what he wants.

I am surprised your mom puts up with that. Maybe once she sees how you feel, that will give her strength to start distancing herself from him. He sounds like a goofy, clingy and jealous adult child, and he will manipulate things and attempt to pressure persons until he feels he is adored.

I personally would tell your Mom privately, those many concerns, based on his immature, extreme clinginess and jealous ways. Say, he is not intellectually stimulating too, but seems to have too many needs and issues that will attempt to tear your family apart. You do not want that or need that extra stress, and if she does, you are not sure why.

 

[ksheehan88]

It sounds like he is controlling and very emotionally needy, and possibly has codependence traits likely from some abuse he faced in the past growing up as a child or with his last relationship. He feels love for himself when he attaches to someone else and they show him love back.

So, when you get love and affection from your mom, he sees that as a threat, just like he saw your deceased Dad as a threat to him, with his undivided attention. He felt less loved. Those with codependence traits can act irrational and immature, and be too clingy and pushy.

Regardless what condition he has, or traits of several, I feel your mom is obviously in an unhealthy relationship, and you both are victim to his severe emotional needs and bizarre ways. It sounds like he has no empathy towards your feelings, and he is in a zone to get what he wants.

I am surprised your mom puts up with that. Maybe once she sees how you feel, that will give her strength to start distancing herself from him. He sounds like a goofy, clingy and jealous adult child, and he will manipulate things and attempt to pressure persons until he feels he is adored.

I personally would tell your Mom privately, those many concerns, based on his immature, extreme clinginess and jealous ways. Say, he is not intellectually stimulating too, but seems to have too many needs and issues that will attempt to tear your family apart. You do not want that or need that extra stress, and if she does, you are not sure why.

Reading this here has made me wonder if I have codependency problems. I'm going to need to look more into it.