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Is negative attitude normal?

My parents think that I'm always in a negative mood even though I try to act as normal as possible in the house. They used to give me the nickname "negative nelly" and say "stop acting that way and be happy" even though I couldn't really magically become happy.

For example, I came home from school a few days ago, happy to be home and chill out. My mother asks me "how was you day at school?" and I reply with the obvious answer "boring". She then says "you gotta stop looking at things in a negative way and be happy". I don't get how she expects me to feel about school in a positive way.

Has anyone had experiences similar to this? Or is it just me?
 
Not so much now as I realised I needed to respond in the way they were expecting. As a youth it got me into trouble, sometimes giving factual answers can do that.
 
I had incredible mixed messages, growing up and had left me utterly confused.

I am a negative person but do strive to be positive. It is like this little voice says: you are useless or you can't do that or it will go wrong for you etc etc and I have such a battle to stay afloat and get on with things.

For me, when ones ask how my day went etc, I flounder because I cannot give a straight answer, for my moods are so diverse.

Actually, my husband who is VERY much an nt, is truly a negative person. Like: we may have a dull day and I will try to find the positive in the day and he moans about the lack of sun or lack of warmth. Sadly, his negative attitude encases me because I am striving to be positive and he tries to push negativity in my way. He questions my hunches. Like recently, I spilled some tisane ( infusion) on to my keyboard and couldn't use my keyboard. I even cleaned each key and put many back, but not all and the very ones I needed for my password, was not working. I found on ebay, that I could get a new keyboard at a really good price. My husband was convinced that it would not work, despite me using logic and thus, he put doubt into my mind. I got the keyboard and honestly, for a moment, could not breath, thinking that I had got it all wrong! I was RIGHT and it works; using it now, actually. He said to me: ok, I was wrong but glad to be wrong lol

I think that parents should be trained how to communicate with their children. I mean: to make such sweeping statements, is just nasty. How can one learn, if they are not guided?
 
School ain't fun past Kindergarten, and even Kindergarten is questionable.

When most people first meet me, they see my immediate persona, which is usually goofy. As they get to know me, they find out what's behind the jokes, and then they complain nonstop about how negative I am. And morbid. I've gotten comments on my morbidity. I've buried more pets than some people own, I practically grew up in a funeral home since everybody that knew or was related to my family died when I was a kid, and a few of my past bosses have ended up injured or deceased within a few years of me working there. Of course I seem morbid, I'm realistic about things expiring!
 
I don't tent to display a lot of emotion on my face I don't get excited or tend to worry a lot. 90% of the time I'm quite passive the rest of the time I'm usually depressed. When I was at collage studying catering I remember smiling and my tutor said "is that a smile or did you just pass wind" so yeah I kind of realised then I don't tent to display much emotion.
 
I consider myself generally a positive and optimistic person, though I do have bouts of severe depression - but, that aside, I find that trying to discuss a problem I'm having with people, even though I also put forward my ideas on solving it, they tend only to focus on the problem and ignore the rest, then point out, erroneously, that I'm being negative and shouldn't dwell on my issues - to think about positive things.
When I reiterate my ideas of a solution as positive thoughts again, all they can hear is me talking about my problem.
I've wondered for years if it's the way I speak, the words I use, the difference in my way of thinking compared to theirs.. in the last few years I've talked to several mental health professionals, people I'd think were trained to listen properly and not just jump on one small part of what I've said.. and found that these are some of the worst!
I recently described to a councellor my belief that I have AS, depression and anxiety, then outlined my plan to combat the latter two and attempt to make friends and develop a social life for the first time - a factual outline of why I'd gone to see her and how I was coping, with a view to gaining her expert opinion and guidance..
..No.. she insisted, over eight weeks, that I was being continually negative by trying to label myself with conditions and I should just try being happy to be myself :confused:
 
I do have comorbid clinical depression. But as others have mentioned, it doesn't permeate my spirit 24/7.

I'm reminded of being away on business when a coworker from another branch seriously asked me if I was "ok". That I seemed in pain. Geez...frankly I was just deep in thought at the time.

Many people use facial gestures as a barometer of sorts. I don't. Sometimes under certain circumstances I might become aware of such things, however at other times I'm likely to be totally oblivious to them. I don't smile a lot either.

Does this make me some kind of enigma or something? I dunno...such things have just never been that important to me. Is that my neurology "speaking" ?

It all makes me wonder if people like us are apt to be interpreted as "being negative" based more often than not on physical rather than emotional circumstances?
 
It all makes me wonder if people like us are apt to be interpreted as "being negative" based more often than not on physical rather than emotional circumstances?

It's been my observation that when a person can't understand anothers' body language they automatically/instinctively assume something must be wrong.. and when that other just doesn't exhibit socially 'normal', or expected gestures/expressions/speech patterns, this interpretation is prevalent and shortly becomes their mental image of 'You' and it's very difficult to change someones impression once it becomes fixed.
Trouble is, I think it works both ways, like a rebound effect - people think you're negative and act as such around you.. that makes you feel defensive/negative in that situation and that's a hard attitude to break out of.
 
I'm 41, married for 19 years, got 4 kids, and working successfully, and my mom just yesterday fussed at me for not smiling when she told me a story of something that happened to her that morning. It was a nice story, but just didn't strike me as something I wanted to smile about, so I didn't.

As for appearing positive vs negative...I think Judge hit on an important point. Most people rely heavily on facial expressions to connect emotionally, and I just don't go there because I know people so often fake facial expressions (both AS and NT). My question with my mom is, do you really want a fake smile so you can feel better about your story? What difference does it make if I'm amused by your story or not? You were happy with the outcome, so shouldn't that be what matters?

At the same time, I get that people want to share things that happen to them, and it's a good skill to have, to be able to enter into that experience with them, even if it's their emotions I'm reflecting back to them instead of my own emotions being emanated. I just have a really hard time being that vulnerable with my mom, because she's so passive-aggressive and manipulative, and with most other people, because I've spent so much of my life being required to reflect everyone else and never knowing what I actually feel myself.

As for being positive or negative...I think it really takes both to live a balanced life. These people who try to be happy all the time...I find them very fake, superficial, and hard to really know. I've also known Eeyore-type characters, who are negative and argumentative about everything. For me, it's been a process of learning how
  • to acknowledge what I actually feel (whether positive or negative),
  • to recognize that both are valid and legitimate maybe even in the same moment,
  • to not hold anyone else responsible for what I feel (the enmeshed family I grew up in always held everyone else responsible for any individual's emotions), and
  • to not try to force happiness or sadness, excitement or laziness, or whatever, but just acknowledge each as they happen and experience them in the moment.
I'm also learning to give others freedom to feel what they feel, and not take responsibility for their feelings (growing up, I was always held responsible for everyone else's feelings). That kinda gives people space to be in touch with themselves emotionally, rather than feeling they have to walk on eggshells around me. I become a safer person when I can "hold space" for them without being drawn into their crisis. My T showed me this article:

What it means to "hold space" for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well - Heather Plett

To be honest, I'm not doing a great job of holding space for people yet, other than getting better at it for my kids. It's still such a challenge for me to figure out what I'm feeling because I've spent so long hiding it. Don't let people talk you into pretending to feel one way when you know that's not consistent with what's going on inside you.

Beyond all of that, though...as a mom, I do have to say...it's hard on a mom to see her child in pain, even if he's not really in pain but only looks like it to her. I think I've grown as a person way more as a parent than I did as a child. It's a really tough process, to learn how to stand back and let your child make his own choices. Parenting is a process of letting go, and most of us really suck at it. I guess I would say...try to give your mom space to not be the perfect mom and to not always know what's the best way to handle a situation.
 
DogwoodTree, that article on "holding space" was very useful. I'm grateful that you posted it.

I can still remember my mother castigating me for "creating atmospheres." But I also have chronic major depression, which usually means a flattening affect--ie, emotionlessness. But the emotions within are sometimes so intense that even when my face is "set" other people can pick up on trace radiation.
 
When I reiterate my ideas of a solution as positive thoughts again, all they can hear is me talking about my problem.

she insisted, over eight weeks, that I was being continually negative by trying to label myself with conditions and I should just try being happy to be myself :confused:


What a Pollyanna attitude for a counselor. Ay yi yi. I don't think I could keep seeing that one.

I've run into the same response; talking about solutions = my continuing to dwell on a problem. What could be more positive than actively looking for solutions to a problem? Pretending there is no problem? That brand of positivity is completely useless. I guess that's why overtly sunshiny people tend to strike me as being more than a little fake.

It's been my observation that when a person can't understand anothers' body language they automatically/instinctively assume something must be wrong.. and when that other just doesn't exhibit socially 'normal', or expected gestures/expressions/speech patterns, this interpretation is prevalent and shortly becomes their mental image of 'You' and it's very difficult to change someones impression once it becomes fixed.
Trouble is, I think it works both ways, like a rebound effect - people think you're negative and act as such around you.. that makes you feel defensive/negative in that situation and that's a hard attitude to break out of.


Yes, yes, yes, yes! Brilliant observations. On the other hand, people who smile a lot are automatically perceived as positive, such that others don't ever seem to notice or feel the need to help when said smiley person is down. They must figure such a "positive" person will work everything out for themselves. I'm a smiler and a laugher, but as you know I also live with major depression. This really throws people, even mental health professionals. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to make a special point of telling a counselor that my affect is deceiving. If I don't mention it, I find my problems easily dismissed. I don't honestly know if I was just born smiley or if I developed my default expression as a mask. But it causes as much trouble for me as looking sullen does for other people.

It all makes me wonder if people like us are apt to be interpreted as "being negative" based more often than not on physical rather than emotional circumstances?


Our emotional circumstances may also just be too difficult for others to understand, causing them to default to an oversimplification. Humans so love dichotomies. It's not that simple, people.
 
"stop acting that way and be happy"

Uuughhh! I hate that attitude. I wish it were more acceptable to just feel your feelings. It seems that there is a constant pressure to only express certain emotions as to spare those of others. I recall working as a courtesy clerk at a super market. People were always telling me to smile or be happy. One woman even poked me in the ribs and told me to smile. I complied, under duress. An other woman tried to get me fired because I "didn't seem happy to be there." How is that relevant? My job was to place things in bags, push carts around, and mop floors. What bearing does my emotional state have on my efficacy? If I am noticeably unhappy that is because something is wrong and needs to be addressed. But they would rather I just swept my feelings under the rug and put on a big plastic grin.

Eventually I learned to smile at people automatically. It has served me well in the workplace, but has also resulted in some unwanted sexual advances. Apparently a smile is a powerful thing, and must be wielded carefully.

As for thinking more positively: I do believe it is worthwhile to try. Those who do not suffer depression seem to think it is as easy as flipping a switch though, when it can indeed be a lifelong battle. What techniques work will depend largely on your personality and your current emotional state. For example, positive affirmations are fantastic if you are already in a fairly good place psychologically, but if you suffer from low self esteem they can do more harm than good. I recommend exercise and meditation as a way of reducing stress and working from there. Also, consciously try to find at least one thing to be happy about each day. Even if it's a little thing, at least it's something. Try to build a list this way and hopefully it will give you a better outlook on life in general.
 
My parents think that I'm always in a negative mood even though I try to act as normal as possible in the house. They used to give me the nickname "negative nelly" and say "stop acting that way and be happy" even though I couldn't really magically become happy.

For example, I came home from school a few days ago, happy to be home and chill out. My mother asks me "how was you day at school?" and I reply with the obvious answer "boring". She then says "you gotta stop looking at things in a negative way and be happy". I don't get how she expects me to feel about school in a positive way.

Has anyone had experiences similar to this? Or is it just me?
Yes. It makes me hurt and then angry because it feels like yet one more invalidation. To be asked how I feel, and then get in trouble for answering. [!] Maybe it's just me, but my parents were not supposed to be feelings police. I still, all these years later, have to be so careful about telling other people much at all.
 
:eek:
Yes. It makes me hurt and then angry because it feels like yet one more invalidation. To be asked how I feel, and then get in trouble for answering. [!] Maybe it's just me, but my parents were not supposed to be feelings police. I still, all these years later, have to be so careful about telling other people much at all.

Exactly, and it extends to what you believe in, your values, your lifestyle. My entire family is like this (not harty-darty, but controlling like Nelly's mother), and I test them on occasion. I say something about tattoos to my mother (I hate them, she hates them more), she jumps down my throat, I mention the voodoo witch breaking the door when I was a little kid, mother denies it saying it was dad and one of his accidents, and I let her believe that I believe her. I stated I don't believe in the horoscope, my sister retorted 'Everything is connected', to which I replied, dryly, 'Yeah, everything is connected'. In the end, I let them 'win', but then I go home and next year, say something similar, all over again, because they talk about the same things, over and over again, and then again after that, like a broken record.:rolleyes: For me, it's solidifying boundaries (I live in a different country), for them, it's about influence and control. Most of the time I don't tell them what I really think, because I don't believe I should have to justify myself to them.

You have all the reason to be negative, and your parents calling you Negative Nelly only augments your stance. It's about control, and whatever is comfortable for them, not for you, because your state of being and belief is of lesser importance.
 
While I think of myself as practical and pragmatic, and am seldom optimistic, others have often commented that my attitude is negative. I am not a negative Nelly by any means (and I known a few of these); my career as an engineer and Plant Manager requires anticipating and preparing for problems. If everything goes according to plan, well and good, but preparation is an essential component of success. One of my stock phrases is "Bridges fall down when engineers are optimistic".

Of all the problems related to my being an Aspie, this one does not, and probably never will, make my list of issues to address.
 
I don't think school per definition equates "boring" or "bad" but plenty of educational routes just don't appeal to everyone and some might outright push the wrong buttons and make people feel terrible beyond just being bored.

A friend of mine studied game design and the stories I heard from his school always were great... but alas, the grass is always greener, heh. But considering I don't had any aspirations in that field, I wouldn't have felt the urge to enroll in that kind of career. Quite sure that some people would've considered the schools I've been to fun; by all means, Journalism was a great environment... if you wanted to become a generic journalist. And looking at most people then and now; yeah... I think generic sums it up. So I guess it comes down to what you make of it partially, and partially how it affects you.

On a more personal note of being negative; I've been told I'm quite negative at times, but I tend to go the "A pessimist is a well-informed optimist" route. I've also considered myself a realist at times and just know that life on a daily basis sucks quite a bit. I'm sometimes baffled by these people who are all happy and cheerful about it. Yeah, sure... your life can be awesome and life is what you make of it. But much like the example above about school; not everyone has the same values and standard which provides happiness. I suppose "mileage may vary" is another way of saying it.

Interestingly enough; there have been situations I've found great fun, only to have others tell me "how the heck is that fun? It sounds like a horrible time you had. I wouldn't want that". Yeah... and still I'm being negative for not having the same rated PG standards as other folks.

More and more I find myself in this situation where fun is being trivialized and not even worth my time sharing it with others, not even telling them what I like and what I did, since I hate the idea that I have to explain myself why I thought something was fun. I'm the last to pass up a good philosophical of psychological debate about experiences and fun, but "so, how was your weekend?" is not the opening question to that debate. And more often than not, the people opening with these questions, are people who won't have the mental fortitude to sit down for a few hours and go back and forth about how one experiences reality and so on.

People have told me I'm actually quite a cheerful cynic... perhaps truthfully so. I can't say I'm depressed and sad a lot, but I do see a lot of bleakness in things (and don't make it an issue to tell other people about it).

What's perhaps the thing I found, as a cynic with an unhealthy dose of self-criticism, and thus to some people someone who is really, really negative and cleary not on team fun... I tend to analyze and often overthink all kinds of stuff going on in my life. My life is far from perfect. In a sense it's positive to analyze it and try to improve it in the most effective way possible. It's perhaps taken a life of it's own, perhaps due to aspies being prone to obsess over things easily... something that's actually part of plenty of autism assessments. Perhaps the easy way to put it "why would you mope over positive things happening in your life?" it's not that odd you tend to obsess more over negative stuff... and thus create a more negative vibe.
 
My roommate is always pointing out my negative attitude. Hey, pallie, I'm a realist, I just calls them as I sees them, considering I got my REAL education through the school of hard knocks.
 
It's a really tough process, to learn how to stand back and let your child make his own choices. Parenting is a process of letting go, and most of us really suck at it. I guess I would say...try to give your mom space to not be the perfect mom and to not always know what's the best way to handle a situation.

This is a very important perspective, and one that I only realized about a year ago. I have a 9 year old son, and like Dogwood stated, I've also grown more as a parent than as a child. I can't help but watch him, doing what he's doing, making mistakes, having fun, have whatever kind of emotion, and seeing myself as he is now. It's like reliving my childhood with a view from above. Reliving the challenges and successes, but watching them unfold in front of my knowing eyes. It is hard not to try to "make things better", but we have to allow that space.

That said, I don't think I really started to be negative until my late teens, early twenties. That's when I started feeling like most things sucked, except for the things I wanted to do. By then, my mom was leaving me be and my dad had died, so I didn't have any resident scolds. It ain't easy.
 

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