Is my friend mad at me?

[Acorn_Elf]

Hi. I can't tell if my friend is mad at me. Yesterday she sent me a bunch of texts asking if she could park at my house so I can give her a ride to and from college. It would be once a week, and she doesn't want to pay for a parking garage pass. I didn't reply back to her text until this morning because I was nervous about telling her I didn't want to. It would just be stressful for me have to drop her off then wait around 3 hours for her to get out of class, and then pick her up after picking my daughter up from her bus stop.

So this morning I told her "I don't think I can commit to that because I'm busy during the week with doctors appointments but I can do it some days." Immediately after she replied with a one word text saying "ok." And hasn't replied to any of my other texts. I'm worried she is mad and giving my the "silent treatment." Maybe I'm just paranoid though.

 

[Judge]

Try to look at this way. Think about how beneficial it is for you to decide that you are NEVER going to allow ANYONE to "put you on the spot" again. It took me 18 of my first years of life to come to this conclusion.

And I have never looked back since doing so. It's a rule for me and it can be for you too.

If she wants to pout, let her. If not, that's fine too. She'll live. And perhaps in time her conscience will tell her that she might have been asking too much of you.

 

[Keigan]

I think your response is very clear and conscice. I would not be concerned.

 

[xudo]

I would say she's being passive aggressive, probably in the hope that the curt one word answer and silent treatment will make you change your mind, because you do not want her to be mad at you. Stand your ground. I cannot stand people who do stuff like that. My friend who's also HFA does this a lot, as does my NT mother. The problem for both of them is that I see though it and am unaffected. I just carry on with things and let them continue being childish.

 

[Butterfly88]

I agree with Keigan. I think you handled it well. If she is a good friend she will understand.

 

[Acorn_Elf]

She's the only friend I've had since high school and I have a hard time telling people no and telling if people are mad at me or not. I'm worried she thinks I'm a bad friend for not wanting to do that. Even though it would be just once a week, it's still really stressful because I have other thing to do during the week and I take a really long time to recuperate.

Also, the parking garage decal is only $25 dollars for the semester, so I don't see what the big deal is since she has a job. I didn't want to tell her that though lol.

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

Try to look at this way. Think about how beneficial it is for you to decide that you are NEVER going to allow ANYONE to "put you on the spot" again. It took me 18 of my first years of life to come to this conclusion.

And I have never looked back since doing so. It's a rule for me and it can be for you too.

If she wants to pout, let her. If not, that's fine too. She'll live. And perhaps in time her conscience will tell her that she might have been asking too much of you.

This is very well put. Also you even offered a compromise and that's a sign of good friendship on your part. I highly dislike and struggle with things like this as well and tend to perseverate on the other parties intentions, especially when one leaves it opened ended as you did with "I can do some days"....and they don't accept or decline or discuss??? I would try to focus on what this and the other posters said. The ball is in her court and if she drops it, then it's on her.

 

[Judge]

She's the only friend I've had since high school and I have a hard time telling people no and telling if people are mad at me or not. I'm worried she thinks I'm a bad friend for not wanting to do that. Even though it would be just once a week, it's still really stressful because I have other thing to do during the week and I take a really long time to recuperate

I can appreciate her value to you as a friend. However the worst thing you could do is to project or convey this to her, as at some point depending on her character, she might attempt to leverage this against you.

Bottom line: You have to look out for "Number One" first and foremost. If you don't no one else will either.

You will eventually have other people coming and going from your life. But the need to secure your own interests will never change. Just understand that this isn't about being selfish, per se. That you just have to weigh requests made of you by other people. Sometimes you will be able to be accommodating. Sometimes not, in your own best interest. That's all.

It can ultimately be the difference between being a real friend, or just someone's "doormat".

 

[Keigan]

I find that many people actually respect a person who can establish boundaries.

 

[Maiki]

I also agree with the comments above. For most of my life, I would worry, obsess, bend over backward to try and fix whatever I thought might be wrong. I always assumed that it was up to me to 'put out any friendship fires'. Since hitting my 40s, I have come to accept that I have no actual control over what other people think. I do my best to be a good person--true to myself-- and apologize if I realize I've made a mistake. Here are 2 things that NT friends have shared with me; I find them useful:
Acquaintances are spending far less time thinking about you than you imagine.
Other people's opinions of you are actually none of your business-- unless they make it so, by causing conflict, spreading rumours, etc. People have the right to think whatever they want.

 

[Acorn_Elf]

I find that many people actually respect a person who can establish boundaries.

I'm just worried she's taking it personally and thinks I'm selfish with no empathy. She's one of those people who calls themselves an "empath" and like to be super empathetic. It would probably be way easier for her to get the parking pass imo.

 

[Keigan]

I'm just worried she's taking it personally and thinks I'm selfish with no empathy. She's one of those people who calls themselves an "empath" and like to be super empathetic. It would probably be way easier for her to get the parking pass imo.

Focus on taking care of yourself and your family - which is exactly what you did respectfully.

 

[WittyAspie]

You're probably way overthinking this. She asked for a favor, you told her no, and she acknowledged your response. Sounds like a normal interaction to me. I agree with @Maiki above that people think about you a lot less than you worry about them thinking about you. She probably didn't think anything of it and has all but forgotten it. Her focus isn't on your no, but on figuring out her parking situation. Unless she brings it up in the future, consider it a non-issue.

 

[Judge]

You're probably way overthinking this. She asked for a favor, you told her no, and she acknowledged your response. Sounds like a normal interaction to me. I agree with @Maiki above that people think about you a lot less than you worry about them thinking about you. She probably didn't think anything of it and has all but forgotten it. Her focus isn't on your no, but on figuring out her parking situation. Unless she brings it up in the future, consider it a non-issue.

Point taken. I mean, per the OP her only response was "OK". Even if said in a negative tone it's still a pretty cursory response. The kind not worth mulling over. She may have simply "moved on" for all we know.

 

[Acorn_Elf]

You're probably way overthinking this. She asked for a favor, you told her no, and she acknowledged your response. Sounds like a normal interaction to me. I agree with @Maiki above that people think about you a lot less than you worry about them thinking about you. She probably didn't think anything of it and has all but forgotten it. Her focus isn't on your no, but on figuring out her parking situation. Unless she brings it up in the future, consider it a non-issue.

You're probably right. I do tend to over analyze how people react to me and I'm usually wrong anyway. It just usually she doesn't leave one word replies to stuff like that, hmmm.

 

[WittyAspie]

It's nearly impossible to gauge emotion through text, hence the purpose of emojis. I would consider her response emotionally neutral unless otherwise indicated. If it is still bothering you on Thursday or Friday, you could ask her if she figured out her parking situation. That shows you care and gives her a chance to clear the air without being awkward or compromising your boundaries.

 

[Acorn_Elf]

^good advise. Thanks

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I always wonder if people are mad at me whenever they send me very brief responses, or no responses at all. I end up asking them over and over again, and it ends up getting on their nerves (and thus, paradoxically, increases their chances of actually being mad at me). You didn't say anything wrong, so I'd advise that you don't worry (I always have issues heeding my own advice). So far every conclusion I jumped to about people being mad has been an over-analysis on my part. I have extremely low self-esteem which I believe to be one of the main causes of this paranoia; the other one being a history of being lonely, and thus scared of making people mad again and thus losing their friendships (I only have like 3 actual friends right now). I've also come to learn that NT's often respond in brief phrases in the general case, which is very much unlike myself. So, don't worry unless you notice it lasting unusually long.

 

[Alaska]

Hi. I can't tell if my friend is mad at me. Yesterday she sent me a bunch of texts asking if she could park at my house so I can give her a ride to and from college. It would be once a week, and she doesn't want to pay for a parking garage pass. I didn't reply back to her text until this morning because I was nervous about telling her I didn't want to. It would just be stressful for me have to drop her off then wait around 3 hours for her to get out of class, and then pick her up after picking my daughter up from her bus stop.

So this morning I told her "I don't think I can commit to that because I'm busy during the week with doctors appointments but I can do it some days." Immediately after she replied with a one word text saying "ok." And hasn't replied to any of my other texts. I'm worried she is mad and giving my the "silent treatment." Maybe I'm just paranoid though.

I am wondering whether something besides saving $25 is at issue with your friend's request to park at your house and inconvenience you with giving her rides. NTs often do not tell the whole story of what is going on. Worse yet, they expect us to just know a lot of things they do not say out loud.

I have spent way too much time playing the game of, "guess why I'm mad at you". I hate for you to experience a round of this. If I was in your situation, I would ask if something else is bothering her besides saving $25.00. I would probably mention what an inconvenience it would be to me to save her the money, and say that I thought it is unlike her to be so apparently selfish because of her empathic abilities. I would also say that is ok to tell me what is really bothering her and offer to help her out with the $25.00 if she needs it.

If she is actually being that selfish, it may make her think about it and decide to stop blaming you for not wanting to let her take advantage of you. If there is something else going on, she may tell you.

 

[Babyc]

Hi. I can't tell if my friend is mad at me. Yesterday she sent me a bunch of texts asking if she could park at my house so I can give her a ride to and from college. It would be once a week, and she doesn't want to pay for a parking garage pass. I didn't reply back to her text until this morning because I was nervous about telling her I didn't want to. It would just be stressful for me have to drop her off then wait around 3 hours for her to get out of class, and then pick her up after picking my daughter up from her bus stop.

So this morning I told her "I don't think I can commit to that because I'm busy during the week with doctors appointments but I can do it some days." Immediately after she replied with a one word text saying "ok." And hasn't replied to any of my other texts. I'm worried she is mad and giving my the "silent treatment." Maybe I'm just paranoid though.

The best thing to do is confront her and talk to her so that you may know if there is anything that you say sorry about and what is it.