Is living a 'full life' realistic?

[Ariel]

I've been living what some people would term a, 'fuller' life for a couple of months now. New job, new fitness programme, a social life, some travelling etc.
I've tried to engage with the world and despite respecting other people's choices, I'm faced with the constant message that my own preferences (or needs) are not respected and that I'm not welcome as a member of society.
I can't tell whether I'm just depressed or if this is the reality of how it is for us.
Is there any hope?

 

[wyverary]

"A full life" has a different meaning for everybody. Nobody can impose what that means on you. Ennui can be a difficult thing to deal with. Maybe keep trying to change things up, just a little bit, trying new things. I don't know what to say about your social situation...do you mean your friends aren't respecting you, or is it just people in general? If it's the latter, then maybe work on some specific areas of your emotional health (working on your physical health is a great start to that, so bravo!), some self-esteem exercises. Some DBT workbooks or something. I hope things get better for you and your outlook on life can improve.

wyv

 

[AsheSkyler]

Pretty much the general message I always got too. No matter what you do or say, it will not be as important as the person next to you, and their desires will always trump yours. If they say something mean to you, it's okay, and you're bad if you retaliate. If you say something mean to them first, shame on you for being so miserable to be around. Do every last little thing you're told, never have a mind of your own unless you are given permission first, and just maybe they will tolerate your existence.

There is hope though. Not everybody out there is so selfish and demanding. There are good and kind people out there who make good friends who know what that little thing called "respect" is and will allow for a beautiful symbiotic relationship where you comfort each other, have fun, and generally enjoy life either together when you feel like getting together. For most workplaces and other places though, you just gotta figure out how to ignore them and show by example that you're deserving of them not to treat you like a serf. Usually takes being quite knowledgeable about your job and knowing when to be firm with others.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

The secret to living a full life is to be absolutely true to your own values. Never give an inch on anything that matters to you, and bend just a bit on the things that matter little.
Do not listen to those that try to oppress or depress you, since their action of putting you down is based on their own insecurities that need be rebuilt at the expense of others.
Who knows you better than you, who understands you better than you. Who loves you more than yourself. If you say, no one, than you have made a great leap to living a full life.
Don't run with the thundering herd of turkey's when you can soar with a few eagles!

 

[Warmheart]

While I may not have been designed to live a life mirroring the neurotypical model, I do consider my life full!
Strong sensory sensitivities plus funky executive functioning means my groovy neurology has put the following off the table:
Having children
Maintaining employment/having a career
Socializing in the usual ways
Travel for the fun of it
Being able to see myself as others see me
Being able to plan my life

However:
I live my life richly in the present moment
My inner child isn't exactly all that "inner"
Within the scope of my abilities /economics, I live life on my own terms
I have never been bored, thanks amazing kaleidoscopic autistic inner world
My loyalty is exceptional
My love for those in my life is total, and warms my heart always
I take nothing for granted
When I enjoy something, I derive much more pleasure from it than others seem to
I am trustworthy... this is a quality more precious than gold

Yes, others find my life strangely simple. That's okay. There are always options for ways of giving back. After all...

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

While I may not have been designed to live a life mirroring the neurotypical model, I do consider my life full!
Strong sensory sensitivities plus funky executive functioning means my groovy neurology has put the following off the table:
Having children
Maintaining employment/having a career
Socializing in the usual ways
Travel for the fun of it
Being able to see myself as others see me
Being able to plan my life

However:
I live my life richly in the present moment
My inner child isn't exactly all that "inner"
Within the scope of my abilities /economics, I live life on my own terms
I have never been bored, thanks amazing kaleidoscopic autistic inner world
My loyalty is exceptional
My love for those in my life is total, and warms my heart always
I take nothing for granted
When I enjoy something, I derive much more pleasure from it than others seem to
I am trustworthy... this is a quality more precious than gold

Yes, others find my life strangely simple. That's okay. There are always options for ways of giving back. After all...

Warmheart, I am not sure if you are an exception to the Asper norms or not, but your attributes of loyalty, trustworthiness and seldom bored are shared with me.
Personally I think Aspers just have better things to do than waste precious time trying to get over on and manipulate others. What do I know?

 

[Gordy]

This may be pessimistic, but in my experience of life it never mattered how good I was at something. Without the social skills to be able to use that ability I have lived a life of frustration.

 

[Nitro]

Living a full life in my opinion is one where you are most satisfied,not what others expect of you. Your successes have to be the ones that you want,not what other think you want. There is no such thing as a charmed perfect life that magically appears,there will be road blocks and obstructions along the path that should only be considered waypoints along the regular trail,not the end of the road. Ignore what others say about you,they have skeletons in their closets too. Keep telling yourself that you are the one that matters the most as selfish as it seems,because the truth of the matter is your own sanity is what really counts. If you feel you are being ignored,then maybe it is time to change out who can enter your circle. Negativity can only breed more of itself and help to push you down the well,not pull you up out of it. I see some very positive people who have come to your aid and hope you can find what exactly you are looking for with their guidance

 

[wyverary]

This may be pessimistic, but in my experience of life it never mattered how good I was at something. Without the social skills to be able to use that ability I have lived a life of frustration.

I see so much of this, and I want to reach out to those who share your struggles and offer encouragement and good advice. I just don't know how. Sometimes a hug is all you can do.

 

[clg114]

I've been living what some people would term a, 'fuller' life for a couple of months now. New job, new fitness programme, a social life, some travelling etc.
I've tried to engage with the world and despite respecting other people's choices, I'm faced with the constant message that my own preferences (or needs) are not respected and that I'm not welcome as a member of society.
I can't tell whether I'm just depressed or if this is the reality of how it is for us.
Is there any hope?

Your post describes how I felt as a teen and young adult almost exactly. I believe that this is a typical feeling with young Aspies. But there is hope. Things will get better for you as you get older and understand yourself better. You will learn that the power of a positive attitude and logical reasoning will make your life better. You will develop priorities that matter, instead of socially driven priorities. You will learn to deal with your weakness's and take advantage of your strengths. You will have a full life.

 

[Beverly]

I've lived a full life. I have had an amazing career in music, and still have a fabulous freelance career in music. I have one child of my own, step children, grand children and, now one great grand child. I have a husband and, I have friends. I have hobbies I enjoy. I have animals, a boat, I own my home. I have a car. My bills are all paid, I have planned for and, am financially set up for a comfortable retirement and, I have extra money for hobbies and entertainment.

I am now living semi off grid and am very self sufficient. I have accomplishments that I am proud of. I can host wonderful dinners and parties and, do so occasionally.

In short, to an outsider, my life appears very NT - some would say I have it all. I don't but close enough.

Each of us will define living a full life differently but, whatever that means to you, it is possible, and a realistic long term goal. Of course, if you base it on being popular or, socially "normal" then you have ALMOST doomed yourself to failure outside of the entertainment industry. There you can be an Aspie or HF Autisic and, be a superstar. I know a few who are and one whom I would call mid functioning autistic and a savant who has capitalized on his talent and, is a superstar.

Just because we are on the spectrum does not me a full, rewarding, amazing life is impossible. More difficult yes, but far from impossible for us. And if you think a full life means you will never struggle, never face hardships or major problems, then it is unrealistic.

NT or on the spectrum, everyone has to face hardships, failures, losses and difficult times but, that doesn't mean you don't have a full life, that is simply a part of living.

 

[Maelstrom]

I've been living what some people would term a, 'fuller' life for a couple of months now. New job, new fitness programme, a social life, some travelling etc.
I've tried to engage with the world and despite respecting other people's choices, I'm faced with the constant message that my own preferences (or needs) are not respected and that I'm not welcome as a member of society.
I can't tell whether I'm just depressed or if this is the reality of how it is for us.
Is there any hope?

Hi Ariel I have been trying to do the same thing as you, and I know exactly how you feel, with some people being nice seems to just invite encroachment. The sad thing is I love being nice and kind, but some people wont respect boundaries until they see the stick is real and big enough to hurt. So you have basically 2 options you test and sort who you let into your life, and only engage with those who respect who you are and how you need to live. Or as Churchill said once I think? you use the iron hand in a velvet glove. Both take time and effort to master, I'm still working on it, I have my good days and bad days. I need to learn the second one more, I am getting a little tired of being set up as backup boyfriend. The other day a less close friend I was trying to smooth things over with, asked me to plow his garden for him. I was shocked just because I helped take care of my best friends house all summer while his wife was dying, doesn't mean I'm everyones garden boy, he could have at least invited me over as a friend first before asking if I'd like to help him. But that's my point on the iron glove thing, I still shake his hand warmly at church, but invites and favors will kept to a minimum on that front. Sometimes you need to chain bolt people at the door and smile warmly through the little door crack...it is a art being warmly distant.
Anyways Ariel it is better if you arrange your own social events and invites so you can keep them smaller, quieter, and maybe shorter to prevent overload...and too much fatigue the next day...start small work your way up slowly...and try to find compatible friends...it takes time to get good at this stuff. Best wishes to you Mael

 

[Gordy]

I think it affects loved ones more. They get frustrated that you don't get the opportunities others do. The real issue is that I don't make the opportunities and I don't know how to. Having said that, I was successful in business because it involved one of my interests and I am financially pretty secure. I have a fairly well paid job which I know a lot of people don't.

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm faced with the constant message that my own preferences (or needs) are not respected and that I'm not welcome as a member of society.

What form do those "messages" usually take, in your experience?

 

[On the Inside]

I have lived what I consider a full life from time to time. There are two subjective things in that statement that need to be expanded upon.

What I consider a full life may not look very full to others, but I've done a lot of things that I've wanted to do and that to me is what defines a full life. What sometimes gets me is that a lot of other people have done things that I have done while also having fulfilling careers, living in nice houses, driving nice cars, having good relationships, planning for the future, etc. Bravo for them. I've done what I can, and because of various reasons, not all of them Aspergers related, I have not been able to "collect them all" so to speak. I'm comfortable with that.

I say from time to time, because I have also had some periods in my life where I was truly stuck. Economics, relationships, poor decisions and planning, Aspergers, and downright feeling bad about myself (depression?) got in the way of living, and I would retreat to a rather closed life. Eventually things would change, I would adjust to new normals and life would pick up again. It is that adjustment period that was difficult, and Aspergers plays a big part in how that plays out. I don't like change, unless I have a lot of freedom to adjust to it as I need to, and that is not always granted.

There is still a lot of life left, and things that I want to do. Living a full life of your own definition is dependent on how realistic you are about your strengths, weaknesses and resources.

 

[Beverly]

Well said, On the Inside. If you have met all of your needs and, done a lot of what you wanted to do, I would call that a full life.

 

[On the Inside]

If you have met all of your needs and, done a lot of what you wanted to do, I would call that a full life.

That nails it. And it points to where my idea of a full life diverts from the norm, if there is such a thing. My needs are quite a bit less than what is common in the society in which I live; I have put up with substandard housing, driven old beat up vehicles, abandoned vehicles altogether for the bicycles and walking, had friends (only a few) who everyone else thought were too weird, not worth their time.

None of these things were done for a specific purpose, they were just ways to simplify my life, so that I could put more time and energy into things that interested me.

 

[Beverly]

On the Inside, you sound like me. I could afford Jaguar if I wanted it but, I drive a 1997 Silverado pickup that has a couple of dents - only one is my fault. I could have a million dollar mansion but, I have a 2500 square foot, two bedroom house in a remote location, on a dirt road.

I could wear designer clothes everyday, I did for a long time but, now I don't have to so I wear sweats, elastic waist sorts, tank tops, no bra and, commando because that's what's comfortable and simple for me.

 

[On the Inside]

On the Inside, you sound like me. I could afford Jaguar if I wanted it but, I drive a 1997 Silverado pickup that has a couple of dents - only one is my fault. I could have a million dollar mansion but, I have a 2500 square foot, two bedroom house in a remote location, on a dirt road.

I could wear designer clothes everyday, I did for a long time but, now I don't have to so I wear sweats, elastic waist sorts, tank tops, no bra and, commando because that's what's comfortable and simple for me.

Well, never could afford much, and probably never will, but that hasn't stopped me from doing the things I wanted to do. I've just had to do them on the cheap, using my own ideas, finding out what works for me.

 

[Judge]

Does "leading a full life" inherently require constant social interaction with others?

Suddenly I'm thinking of Shel Silverstein- again.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O