I truly admire you for trying to help your boys. I admire you for coming here and trying to understand us also. I didn't have anyone who cared for me much at all, actually I was hated and abandoned and it sucked pretty bad for a long time... However, this forced me to have to fit into a world I still don't understand very well. I tell you this as a friend (even though you don't know me at all). Please let them be who they really are, let them melt down, shutdown, they have to figure a lot of this out on their own.
I do hope I dint just sound like a jerk... I didn't mean too, if I did. Its a tough world to not fit in, and I don't know how to protect them from that, or if anyone really should. Be there for them of course, but shelter them, or give them a false sense of reality... I think it could later be a disservice to them, when no one is there for them, like you are right now. Your a good dad. : )
We feel bad you and so many Aspies had bad home environments, and were treated that way. Although I have been on Aspies Central for less three months, I have not seen many Aspies talk about good or great parents. Aspies either do not talk about their home lives, or they talk about some parents who were doing harmful things. In some cases, if some are still living at home, maybe they may not want to talk about their home lives, and if messages are monitored. In other cases, they may not know how to express those parenting feelings.
I truly came to this site for two reasons: to understand adult Aspies better and to communicate our experiences with our sons, and what we have been doing or trying, to get information and advice regardless if it was for or against what we were doing, or what we were thinking and feeling, as that is how we learn. If I wanted everyone to agree with me, I would not have come to this forum, as I realize Aspies are not fond of NTs, even though I am not fond of NTs either, as they treated myself horribly at home, in school, when trying to work, and when in the public domain. So, we appreciate all advice.
I think you made the same statement that has always been in my mind since we learned our sons had Autism: "Please let them be who they really are." Yes, of course this should be the foundation of how we raise our sons, as that is 100% what I agree with. We let our children do things that most all parents would not, unless injury was caused or danger could occur, as we know their biology is different than ours, and they are doing things not because they are bad children, but because that is who they are. I know from much research what Autistic
children can do and do not do along the Spectrum. So, those things that they do we understand it is part of their Autism.
So, if Dylan keeps wanting to climb up on things, or over things because of his extra hyperactive energy or sensory need to be high, and/or feel the texture hard and soft objects under or over him, or to tear up papers because of the feel of that, or some need to break things into pieces, or to scribble on walls to release that hand energy and to feel the crayon or pen against that, we do not fret over that. Walls can be painted. Paper pieces can be cleaned up. And if Dylan needs to be really clingy to us, and us to be next to him, we do not see that as bad either, but focus on the positives of that. This is where my own self-help positive thinking and reducing worry techniques long ago would help, in letting the children be themselves. That was my personal decision though to do that self-help, after much self-analysis, and so only the children one day can determine what they want for them.
As well, we realized although each child had treatments several years ago, like speech therapy, occupational therapy, feeding therapy, and behavioral therapy, that was the pressure we felt as new parents imposed on us by society, medical persons, and Autism charities who said we should be doing that for our children. After failure after failure, and seeing our children were being not only not bettered but with worsened state because of their disruption to their needed routine ways, and as those entities did not care one bit about reducing the sensory issues present in those medical environments, and to let them be themselves in their needed ways, we said, "enough is enough."
It was a desire by the medical establishment for our children to change to fit in to be more like an NT, with assumptions that could happen, and with assumptions this is what the children wanted or needed. We learned it was a money maker for those health and other systems, and so after we fully understood that, and saw how our children were not happy and more functional anyway, we ended all treatments, and did not care what society thought. We changed our perspectives, in wanting our children to go at the pace and in the ways best for them, and allowing them to do things that NT society would think as strange or improper.
The main thesis of my book is not only about acceptance, but with purpose to change the ten or so specific systems, that is contributing to the improper treatment of those with Autism or Aspergers, like the medical, insurance, government, school, public, charitable, and other sectors, to name a few. As for acceptance, and letting our children be themselves, if anyone wants to read a free chapter about that, go to my profile and click on my homepage website, as those sample book pages will tell more about our belief how we should let our children be themselves, and focus more on just the basics. We are so fed up with society and want not only to change the systems, but to help make parents better, too.
The purpose of writing that book was not to make money, as I am not marketing the book on Amazon, nor do we have Facebook. We refused to hire a marketer too, as truth is we think regardless of all those harsh truths about the medical, insurance, and educational systems, charities, and public and parenting attitudes, etc., that we stated in the book, we feel society may never care or desire to change their ways, with desires to appreciate, accept and respect those with Autism. It is the Autistics and Aspies who are supposed to change, according to them, which we do not agree with.
Unfortunately, to be fair, I do not even feel many with Autism care to help me in my cause, or to help their own cause, other than having great support groups, as maybe they are confused themselves from all the misinformation out there, or maybe do not feel their voice will be heard. Maybe they do not know what I am fighting for, or they think my opinion as a parent of two Autistic children means nothing, but I do have concerns when much of society rather read a health book from some biased or closed minded medical doctor with little insight, and no similar life experiences, or to read a book that is heavily marketed as a best seller that supposedly has all the answers, than to read a book from a parent who speaks the truth but in analytical and caring ways, with a desire to change not those with Autism, but others, such that the message is heard, and not the emotion. I do not really blame them though, as society in general has been messing with their minds, in how to think, feel and do. So, of course we want to hear any advice and be given any direction too. That is how we learn to be better parents. I myself thrive under different perspectives and stress.
I have a question for you that has always been on my mind. Chance, how would our children survive independently in this world as an adult, if they were just being themselves as children in 100% of their ways now , when we know NT societal members have their own rigid rules, expectations, and needs and discriminate and judge harshly? Would not all those Autistic adults be then criticized and rejected even more, for being themselves more? We would not be able to be there for them in the future, to protect them, and to fight for their rights, as I am getting older by the minute. Yes, they would learn on their own through those future experiences, through trial and error, and if they could not fit in they would likely flee. But, they could be less prepared for that, if we did not prepare them now. I do not trust those others would help them through that criticism and rejection.
In other words, is it better for us as loving and caring parents to slowly get them used to "not always" getting their precise ways now, so as when they encounter others in the future in real life it does not shock and upset them more that they are told they cannot always be that way? Could letting them be entirely themselves now in reality hurt their chances to have a relationship and work in the future, as most all persons in life will not let them be totally themselves. Or should we continue to mostly let them be totally themselves, and assume then it could be a greater chance there would not be a work setting and relationship partner for them, as few would accept an Autistic adult who was 100% themselves.
I wanted to say I admired you though Chance for you becoming a success at work, as pertaining your job position. I understand though you have lots of concerns about your other skills, so in that regard, maybe you do not feel as a success yet in other ways. In general, I just want those with Autism and Aspergers to be happy
in whatever they do or not do in life. We are trying to figure what makes our sons happy. It is hard to be happy in this world if they feel pressure and so different, so we are trying to show much love to them for who they are.
We just do not know which behavioral traits and needs in our children are Aspie related, versus which are not Aspie related and can or should be be modified? Sometimes it is hard figuring out what to help with, and what to allow.
On my way to take a few photos, and enjoy myself looking at old cars. 
