Inability to Change

[NLD?]

So everytime I post I always feel I have to preface it by saying I don't have Aspergers but probably do have Nonverbal Learning Disability which most likely has some connection, as well as Anxiety and some mild depression.

Hopefully I'll stop feeling I have to remind everyone of this, as I'm not sure why I feel the need to haha.

Anyways, one thing that I seem to have in common with many Aspies is difficulty with a lot of change.

On the one hand, I really can't stand that so many of my days seem to be the same, and I desperately crave change, and yet, I feel somehow incapable of creating the change I need for myself in life.

I don't want to go off about all of the things I want to change, there's many and some are very personal, but they are very important things that will require real effort to achieve, and somehow I just don't feel I have the energy and/or determination and/or conscious knowledge of how to do them.

I go back and forth between theories as to exactly WHY I can't change.

They will range from everything from my Learning Disability and/or anxiety and/or depression and my brain just having less plasticity, to knowing I have been spoiled my whole life and really given more than I deserve by my family and thinking that maybe it has all just lulled me into being a person who has never learned the lessons of hard work to overcome adversity (despite having overcome some adversity in my life so far) to thinking that I might just be plain lazy and there might be NOTHING wrong with me at all, that I just need to get up off my ass (pardon my french, is cursing allowed in moderation here?) and go FORCE myself to do things, and that's all it is.

I hate traveling to a lot places I've never been, trying a lot of new activities I'm not familiar with (which is basically most the activities that exist in the world LOL), and I while I used to have a lot of friends, I lost touch with most of them after college, so I have no one to go try new things with who would encourage me.

I end up sticking to the things I know about, like the few interests I have like martial arts and metal music, and just my simple part time job, exercising and watching TV or going online.

There's so much I want to change in life that I don't know where to begin and I really feel paralyzed.

I am going to start getting Neurofeedback sessions in a week in the hope that it can somehow change my brain chemistry and help me regain a sense of hope that there's some possible way I can achieve change in my life and then go out and make the changes I need myself, but while this practice DOES have some proven success with learning disabilities, anxiety and depression, I am not sure it can actually supply me with the will power or sheer "heart" "grit" and "determination" that I need to actually not only go out and do what I need to do to achieve a happy life, but figure out what I even need to do in the first place.

Does this kind of thinking come from my brain chemistry, or the fact that perhaps my family has "enabled" me and given me so many choices I don't know what to do with them all?

That seems to be a problem these days: too many choices, too many options, and I read an article online that calls my generation "the generation of desperation" for this very reason.

I know I can be very lazy, but I just can't seem to figure out why I am so very indecisive and why it is so very hard for me to make big changes in my life.

Instead, I just go round and round in circles, with every move I make being "one step forward and two steps back" endlessly.

I know this may be a big topic and a long post, and I'm not going into detail with what I want to change, but this kind of negative circular thinking drives me crazy.

Maybe some of you can share your own opinions on whether or not this kind of thinking originates in my brain, comes from my circumstances of being given too much or spoiled, or if I'm just plain lazy.

I'd rather it be the former than the latter two frankly...

 

[Propianotuner]

Maybe some of you can share your own opinions on whether or not this kind of thinking originates in my brain, comes from my circumstances of being given too much or spoiled, or if I'm just plain lazy.

I'd rather it be the former than the latter two frankly...

Your preference here is baffling, in light of the latter two being considerably easier to deal with.

 

[Propianotuner]

So everytime I post I always feel I have to preface it by saying I don't have Aspergers but probably do have Nonverbal Learning Disability which most likely has some connection, as well as Anxiety and some mild depression.

You could always insert this in your signature if you're anxious for people to be aware of it.

 

[NLD?]

Your preference here is baffling, in light of the latter two being considerably easier to deal with.

I knew someone would say that, and while in reality I'd probably prefer the latter, my reasoning behind it, at least in saying it, is because then I can't blame it on some weakness on the part of myself or my family's having enabled me.

It's easier to take if it's just a genetic predisposition on my part, like being born without an arm or something, so I can't be called "weak" or "lacking in heart or willpower" by others, which I have been called before, and which I find extremely insulting and makes me question myself and become extremely angry at myself and leads to me just berating myself over and over wondering what's "wrong with me" and why I can't just "will myself" out of my situation.

In reality, I'd really rather it be one of the other two I guess.

But I'd actually like a real response to this if someone has one.

 

[NLD?]

You could always insert this in your signature if you're anxious for people to be aware of it.

How do I make a signature?

I'm not usually good with that kind of thing.

 

[xudo]

I knew someone would say that, and while in reality I'd probably prefer the latter, my reasoning behind it, at least in saying it, is because then I can't blame it on some weakness on the part of myself or my family's having enabled me.

It's easier to take if it's just a genetic predisposition on my part, like being born without an arm or something, so I can't be called "weak" or "lacking in heart or willpower" by others, which I have been called before, and which I find extremely insulting and makes me question myself and become extremely angry at myself and leads to me just berating myself over and over wondering what's "wrong with me" and why I can't just "will myself" out of my situation.

In reality, I'd really rather it be one of the other two I guess.

But I'd actually like a real response to this if someone has one.

I don't like change at all and I would prefer that absolutely everything stays exactly the same and it's never bothered me at all. Potentially I suppose your dislike of change could be influenced/caused by one, two or even all of the things you mentioned.

Either way, you say you don't want it to be laziness or having been spoilt as then you don't have to blame some perceived weakness, but in saying that you are looking to blame some genetic/neurological/medical issue. I don't think anyone should use any condition they have as an excuse for something (personally).

I also wouldn't say (in my opinion) that it's easier to blame a genetic predisposition, as in that case there is little to no possibility of changing, whereas if it is caused (even only in part) or exacerbated by something like laziness or being brought up spoilt, there is always the possibility of changing.

 

[Judge]

Yeah. Guilty as charged. I spent most of my adult life rationalizing that work and life in general is far too dynamic to resist change. True enough for most of us.

But the reality is that I was simply fooling myself. I absolutely loathe change.

Liberating to admit here too. I deal with it only because in those cases where I have to and am able to.

 

[NLD?]

I don't like change at all and I would prefer that absolutely everything stays exactly the same and it's never bothered me at all. Potentially I suppose your dislike of change could be influenced/caused by one, two or even all of the things you mentioned.

Either way, you say you don't want it to be laziness or having been spoilt as then you don't have to blame some perceived weakness, but in saying that you are looking to blame some genetic/neurological/medical issue. I don't think anyone should use any condition they have as an excuse for something (personally).

I also wouldn't say (in my opinion) that it's easier to blame a genetic predisposition, as in that case there is little to no possibility of changing, whereas if it is caused (even only in part) or exacerbated by something like laziness or being brought up spoilt, there is always the possibility of changing.

Yes, I am changing my former comment that in fact I'd much rather it be something I can change more easily than a genetic predisposition.

That was just what I felt like would be easier to defend when people criticize me, but it's not what I'd prefer.

The thing is, I don't WANT to dislike change, I just find it incredibly hard to change.

In reality, I find myself so much more depressed because I know very little new or exciting will happen in my life unless I make it happen, but I'm so stuck in my ways I'm not confident about creating those changes.

I guess I want the grey area between enough regularity for some level of comfort but a whole lot less regularity than I have now, because it just leads nowhere.

No one wants to look back on their life and think "yeah, every day was the same"...

That's one of my biggest concerns.

 

[NLD?]

Also, where is the test you guys are taking to get those scores at the bottom of your sigs and how can I take it and put it in my sig?

 

[xudo]

No one wants to look back on their life and think "yeah, every day was the same"...

Some people would be more than happy with this. I'm one of them.

 

[NLD?]

Some people would be more than happy with this. I'm one of them.

Well ok, if that's what makes you happy that's fine.

I guess I was just speaking for myself.

But just out of curiosity, when you say you feel this way, would you really say you feel fulfilled with what you do on most of those days that end up usually being the same?

If you are that's great.

I'm NOT one of those people who prefers everything stay the same, because I realize that my life is going nowhere and that I'm not doing anything new, and if you aren't achieving any kind of change in your life, at least for me, I feel I'm not progressing.

So that's why I titled the post "inability to change" rather than something more like "disliking change".

Change is hard for me to handle in the larger scope, but for me NOT changing is the far worse option, because I'm not happy, and there's so many things I need to change if I want to ever become happy.

I don't know, I think I said a lot in my first post here, but I'm not really getting the kinds of responses I expected.

I was really posing different questions regarding WHY people who actually DO want to change can find it so difficult, and what those of us who feel this way can do when we feel locked into a never ending circular pattern?

 

[xudo]

But just out of curiosity, when you say you feel this way, would you really say you feel fulfilled with what you do on most of those days that end up usually being the same?

Yes, I do feel fulfilled. I'm perfectly happy the way my life is, and with the fact that I have my very rigid routines that do not change.

I was really posing different questions regarding WHY people who actually DO want to change can find it so difficult, and what those of us who feel this way can do when we feel locked into a never ending circular pattern?

It's possible that you aren't getting the responses you hoped for because the majority of people here fall into the category of those who dislike change, and do not wish to break the cycle. That's not to say that there aren't people on AC or on the spectrum who don't feel the way you do, but more that they may be in a minority.

 

[Apple28]

Some people would be more than happy with this. I'm one of them.

Yes!! I'm one of those people esp in this day of constant change, a lot of people talk about anxiety. I think it comes from that. I also think we're in for interesting times ahead with a generation that is growing not used to security and who are multi taskers.

I especially long for 90s. I wish my adulthood had happened around then instead of the 2000s. It's been hectic but it's a challenge I accepted as I watched my siblings just get on with things and not ponder things too much. I really wish the days of staying in a job for 10years plus were still around

 

[Apple28]

Well ok, if that's what makes you happy that's fine.

I guess I was just speaking for myself.

But just out of curiosity, when you say you feel this way, would you really say you feel fulfilled with what you do on most of those days that end up usually being the same?

If you are that's great.

I'm NOT one of those people who prefers everything stay the same, because I realize that my life is going nowhere and that I'm not doing anything new, and if you aren't achieving any kind of change in your life, at least for me, I feel I'm not progressing.

So that's why I titled the post "inability to change" rather than something more like "disliking change".

Change is hard for me to handle in the larger scope, but for me NOT changing is the far worse option, because I'm not happy, and there's so many things I need to change if I want to ever become happy.

I don't know, I think I said a lot in my first post here, but I'm not really getting the kinds of responses I expected.

I was really posing different questions regarding WHY people who actually DO want to change can find it so difficult, and what those of us who feel this way can do when we feel locked into a never ending circular pattern?

I find this quite interesting on a philosophical level. I'm sorry if I'm not going to be helpful. The idea that ability to change will make you happy is interesting to me. Also ideas such as "life is going nowhere without change" , " if you're not changing you're not progressing".

Not saying this is you but I think the way we are raised and socialised to believe what a contented life is is interesting. Personally I try to live in the present moment. That makes me appreciate what is happening right now and not feel anxious about the past or future. Esp living in the future because there is no guarantee that things will turn out the way one expects. But if one can live in the present moment e.g just being really aware of the things you're doing and seeing, that present moment will be your past and your future inevitably and that's life passing.

I hope I made sense lol. I also realise that this is probably not what you're looking for. You just sparked some musings of my own. I wish you good luck and hope you'll find what you're looking for. It's a worthwhile endeavour

 

[Apple28]

Yes, I am changing my former comment that in fact I'd much rather it be something I can change more easily than a genetic predisposition.

That was just what I felt like would be easier to defend when people criticize me, but it's not what I'd prefer.

The thing is, I don't WANT to dislike change, I just find it incredibly hard to change.

In reality, I find myself so much more depressed because I know very little new or exciting will happen in my life unless I make it happen, but I'm so stuck in my ways I'm not confident about creating those changes.

I guess I want the grey area between enough regularity for some level of comfort but a whole lot less regularity than I have now, because it just leads nowhere.

No one wants to look back on their life and think "yeah, every day was the same"...

That's one of my biggest concerns.

Just suddenly had an idea. How about getting someone who acts as your "accountability". I did this when I tried to get into exercising and being consistent. I'd text this one friend. She need not reply but just texting her I knew I had to now go through with it cos I'd be embarrassed if I had to admit I didn't do it if asked or no results showed. I'd text it immediately I had to do it like "I'm going for a run" and then do so.

It can be like when I was trying to also change eating habits. I had an app I catalogued what I ate. Eventually I didn't need these crutches. I think maybe if you know what you want to change and how to go about it this might help. There might be an app that can help with cataloguing and reminders or a friend. Also being part of a club might help cos you have other people sharing the same activity if that activity can be such.

 

[NLD?]

I find this quite interesting on a philosophical level. I'm sorry if I'm not going to be helpful. The idea that ability to change will make you happy is interesting to me. Also ideas such as "life is going nowhere without change" , " if you're not changing you're not progressing".

Not saying this is you but I think the way we are raised and socialised to believe what a contented life is is interesting. Personally I try to live in the present moment. That makes me appreciate what is happening right now and not feel anxious about the past or future. Esp living in the future because there is no guarantee that things will turn out the way one expects. But if one can live in the present moment e.g just being really aware of the things you're doing and seeing, that present moment will be your past and your future inevitably and that's life passing.

I hope I made sense lol. I also realise that this is probably not what you're looking for. You just sparked some musings of my own. I wish you good luck and hope you'll find what you're looking for. It's a worthwhile endeavour

What you are saying makes total sense and it's how I feel.

What I realized is that staying in the present moment, especially for someone with such massive anxiety as me, is the best option, but it's extremely difficult for me to do.

I really think that about 10% of our thoughts should be about the future, maybe about 5% about the past, and preferably about 85% of our thoughts be about the present moment.

Obviously if one wants to achieve goals in the future they need to spend a certain amount of time figuring out what those goals are, but beyond that point they just need to be in the present moment while tackling those goals.

Instead, people with anxiety like me ponder at length the goals I have and how I'm worried I'll probably never achieve them when I'd be FAR more likely to achieve them if I was only living in the present, or thinking about goals I'd failed to meet in the past which I can do nothing about, with the exception of trying to achieve those which are still possible in the future.

I am about to start getting neurofeedback and one thing I want to work on is the ability to produce the right brain waves to "stay in the present" which is something they work a lot on, and something many who practice Zen and types of meditation and Yoga work on as well.

Being content with the present moment is great so long as you aren't fooling yourself and are truly content.

If every day you feel you are doing the right things and what you want to be doing but you don't change much then there's no need to seek change.

But someone like me, I have a fear of change, and I have an even bigger fear of NOT changing, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

In the short term, not changing feels safer, but in the long term, having not changed is the FAR more terrifying option.

As far as accountability, I have worked on that a bit and have some people that I am to some extent accountable to, though not on a regular basis, and I have a habit of writing down on a daily basis certain goals I met with my day or certain goals I didn't meet so I can look back on it later.

I really feel that if everyone had the ability to stay in the present and avoid negative thinking almost our entire society would be like 50% better and so many of life's worst outcomes would be avoided.

It's always struck me as utterly bizarre that in a world where we can't control the actions of others or so many other things that happen that we also can't even control our OWN MINDS.

I mean why should I be worrying about the future or the past when it serves no functional purpose and only hurts me?

You'd think you'd have as much control about the thoughts you put in your mind as the food you put in your body because it would help us all to reach our best optimal states, yet the vast majority of us seem powerless to do so.

It's basically one of my biggest life goals to change this, and to learn how to better control my own mind.

 

[Apple28]

What you are saying makes total sense and it's how I feel.

What I realized is that staying in the present moment, especially for someone with such massive anxiety as me, is the best option, but it's extremely difficult for me to do.

I really think that about 10% of our thoughts should be about the future, maybe about 5% about the past, and preferably about 85% of our thoughts be about the present moment.

Obviously if one wants to achieve goals in the future they need to spend a certain amount of time figuring out what those goals are, but beyond that point they just need to be in the present moment while tackling those goals.

Instead, people with anxiety like me ponder at length the goals I have and how I'm worried I'll probably never achieve them when I'd be FAR more likely to achieve them if I was only living in the present, or thinking about goals I'd failed to meet in the past which I can do nothing about, with the exception of trying to achieve those which are still possible in the future.

I am about to start getting neurofeedback and one thing I want to work on is the ability to produce the right brain waves to "stay in the present" which is something they work a lot on, and something many who practice Zen and types of meditation and Yoga work on as well.

Being content with the present moment is great so long as you aren't fooling yourself and are truly content.

If every day you feel you are doing the right things and what you want to be doing but you don't change much then there's no need to seek change.

But someone like me, I have a fear of change, and I have an even bigger fear of NOT changing, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

In the short term, not changing feels safer, but in the long term, having not changed is the FAR more terrifying option.

As far as accountability, I have worked on that a bit and have some people that I am to some extent accountable to, though not on a regular basis, and I have a habit of writing down on a daily basis certain goals I met with my day or certain goals I didn't meet so I can look back on it later.

I really feel that if everyone had the ability to stay in the present and avoid negative thinking almost our entire society would be like 50% better and so many of life's worst outcomes would be avoided.

It's always struck me as utterly bizarre that in a world where we can't control the actions of others or so many other things that happen that we also can't even control our OWN MINDS.

I mean why should I be worrying about the future or the past when it serves no functional purpose and only hurts me?

You'd think you'd have as much control about the thoughts you put in your mind as the food you put in your body because it would help us all to reach our best optimal states, yet the vast majority of us seem powerless to do so.

It's basically one of my biggest life goals to change this, and to learn how to better control my own mind.

Oh yes! You absolutely got my meaning . I agree with your insights too and the connection to meditation etc. I think the fact you are aware of all this is a huuuuge bonus.

I read something that also said it's in human nature to dislike change so it's good to recognise that for the majority a real effort has to be made to rewire; and you mentioned this too.

I also agree on how hard it is to practise. Even though I know all this it's still challenging for me to change. I slip into my old ways and ways of thinking because it's "easier" and that's the way our world is designed. I don't know if it will ever be second nature for me like it is for some spiritual gurus. I'm still just thankful that at least I know what to aspire for.

I really loved the point you brought up about worrying and how it serves no purpose. This book I was reading said thinking is like breathing. We should try to exist with it the way we do with breathing. Breathing happens but we are not as aware of it as our thoughts and that's we end up with strife. So the challenge is to observe our thoughts and just let them go. Like oh there's that thought again. Of course this is hard because we've been raised and rewarded to do the opposite.

There was a lady who suffered a stroke Jill Bolte Taylor. I don't know if you've heard about her but her story is amazing and inspiring. It touches on some of the things we are talking about. Without her left brain she lost all she had learned from birth and was then able to see the world with new eyes. She didn't know she was "Jill" and all the things associated with that. Her mom was just another "thing" in the world because she didn't have a name for it. It's really fascinating in how the world can be different if we break down all the structures that steer us to see our lives and the world in a certain way.

I really enjoyed reading your insights and I must say was surprised too becaused I didn't get this assuredness from your initial post. Makes me wonder if maybe you're a little too hard on yourself

 

[NLD?]

Oh yes! You absolutely got my meaning . I agree with your insights too and the connection to meditation etc. I think the fact you are aware of all this is a huuuuge bonus.

I read something that also said it's in human nature to dislike change so it's good to recognise that for the majority a real effort has to be made to rewire; and you mentioned this too.

I also agree on how hard it is to practise. Even though I know all this it's still challenging for me to change. I slip into my old ways and ways of thinking because it's "easier" and that's the way our world is designed. I don't know if it will ever be second nature for me like it is for some spiritual gurus. I'm still just thankful that at least I know what to aspire for.

I really loved the point you brought up about worrying and how it serves no purpose. This book I was reading said thinking is like breathing. We should try to exist with it the way we do with breathing. Breathing happens but we are not as aware of it as our thoughts and that's we end up with strife. So the challenge is to observe our thoughts and just let them go. Like oh there's that thought again. Of course this is hard because we've been raised and rewarded to do the opposite.

There was a lady who suffered a stroke Jill Bolte Taylor. I don't know if you've heard about her but her story is amazing and inspiring. It touches on some of the things we are talking about. Without her left brain she lost all she had learned from birth and was then able to see the world with new eyes. She didn't know she was "Jill" and all the things associated with that. Her mom was just another "thing" in the world because she didn't have a name for it. It's really fascinating in how the world can be different if we break down all the structures that steer us to see our lives and the world in a certain way.

I really enjoyed reading your insights and I must say was surprised too becaused I didn't get this assuredness from your initial post. Makes me wonder if maybe you're a little too hard on yourself

Yes I am WAY too hard on myself.

I constantly beat myself up which is a big issue.

The place I am going to go to for neurofeedback also teaches Chi Kung breathing exercises that I'm interested in learning which are of course tied to many forms of meditation.

 

[Aeolienne]

I especially long for 90s. I wish my adulthood had happened around then instead of the 2000s. It's been hectic but it's a challenge I accepted as I watched my siblings just get on with things and not ponder things too much. I really wish the days of staying in a job for 10 years plus were still around

The 90s weren't that stable. As I recall, the decade began with a great recession and ended with the dotcom bubble - and in between there were genocides in Yugoslavia and Rwanda, plus ongoing conflicts in Sri Lanka and East Timor. Whenever I hear someone say "There's no such thing as a job for life any more" I want to reply, "So what? They've been saying that for over 20 years now!"

 

[china autie]

Executive function problems?

Not being able to get started on stuff we want to do or change.

If I want to make a list of steps to change something and I cannot get started, I tell myself "I will go stand by the pad of paper".

Then sometimes I will do it and sometimes I will walk away and try again later.

Small steps. Break stuff down into tiny steps.

I like my routines. And I schedule time in to "be dpontaneous". If it isn't on today's schedule, then I don't gotta.