I'm a bit confused, is it his Aspieness or what....?

[ladybug]

I'm in this relationship with a wonderful man that I do love - we met just as I was leaving my husband of 25 yrs and my family were devastated as they didn't see it coming (I'm good at putting up with things then snap-that's it!)
My partner and I see each other at weekends when I stay over and we see each other once during the week.... he has training he goes to mons, thurs and sat morn- but he hadn't been to for two months (as he was away on holiday for a month with his brother and he had flu for a month) I encouraged him to go back because I know this routine is good for him physically and mentally. The last month has been a strain for me as I've been made redundant and I am the one supporting my children. He had ended his previous relationship about 24 months ago, but she wouldn't leave their holiday home- this was stressful for him as he loves it there, and so couldn't go over there. She has now left, cost him a lot to move her on... he wouldn't confront her just kept telling her to get on with her life. So I know there a lot of changes for anyone and especially someone who I suspect is Aspie... hes has down time that he told me about and I am fine with it, it was different for me not to have an issue, as he only 'informs' me of his plans usually the day before and this gets frustrating as I've to plan being away, or not etc.
His brother takes up a lot of his time, neither of them has many/any friends, I also think that as they are close, they drop everything else when they spend time together (his brother goes to the training too) so I think they see each other lots...
Hes just 'informed' me that 'I'm not going to be around this weekend I'm going to spend a bit of time with him, before his ex arrives'... he seems to just announce these things, and change our plans the day before.... not often, but that's twice in a month...
oh forgot to mention his brother is getting divorced, his wife lives aborad, but is returning for a few weeks, his brother 'wont have her at his house' so she will be staying at my parteners...!!
He seems to prioritise everyone before us/me...? Am I missing something..? or being too NT...? I love him very much, and we get on exceptionally well, its like he has no awareness of my feelings of this, being disposed of at the last minute.... its like because he's made his mind up, there is no discussion or consideration of my plans or feelings....
Advice please...?

 

[xudo]

I love him very much, and we get on exceptionally well, its like he has no awareness of my feelings of this, being disposed of at the last minute.... its like because he's made his mind up, there is no discussion or consideration of my plans or feelings....

I'm afraid these are all things that you will have to get used to and/or put up with if you stay in a relationship with him. While some of us are better with others feelings, and some may learn to get better at this (to some degree or another) it will never be the same at being in a relationship with an NT. Like virtually every other NT in a relationship with someone on the spectrum who comes here for advice, you have to decide if you can cope with these things, or whether they will become a bigger issue, to the point that you will start to resent him for not considering your plans and feelings.

 

[ladybug]

I'm afraid these are all things that you will have to get used to and/or put up with if you stay in a relationship with him. While some of us are better with others feelings, and some may learn to get better at this (to some degree or another) it will never be the same at being in a relationship with an NT. Like virtually every other NT in a relationship with someone on the spectrum who comes here for advice, you have to decide if you can cope with these things, or whether they will become a bigger issue, to the point that you will start to resent him for not considering your plans and feelings.

Thanks Xudo for that, as I say, its not very often, is it a sign that 'I'm disposable' too...? or that our plans are not as important as his brothers or his...?

 

[StephF]

All NT's learn as they grow that relationships are give and take. Not all of us Auties / Aspies actually understand that.
It took me a long time to get some of the "rules" that other people seem to just know straight away.

 

[ladybug]

All NT's learn as they grow that relationships are give and take. Not all of us Auties / Aspies actually understand that.
It took me a long time to get some of the "rules" that other people seem to just know straight away.

he's always been in a long term relationships (typically 8yrs plus) he says 'it takes him a long time to be comfortable'..... i would think he understands the rules?

 

[Judge]

he's always been in a long term relationships (typically 8yrs plus) he says 'it takes him a long time to be comfortable'..... i would think he understands the rules?

Just understand that knowing such "rules" is not the same as having the ability to live by them. It may not make sense to you, but it does to us.

The social reality in many cases for such a relationship to work may require you at times to give much more than merely an equal contribution.

Something many people seem to be unwilling to consider on general principle. You have to ask yourself if he's worth that sort of potential "sacrifice" on your part.

 

[ladybug]

Just understand that knowing such "rules" is not the same as having the ability to live by them. It may not make sense to you, but it does to us.

The social reality in many cases for such a relationship to work may require you at times to give much more than merely an equal contribution.

Something many people seem to be unwilling to consider on general principle. You have to ask yourself if he's worth that sort of potential "sacrifice" on your part.

thanks... that makes sense!! I don't see it as a 'sacrifice'... i'm more curious about his thoughts behind it... why he'd think it 'didn't matter' or if hes weighed up his needs against mine...?

 

[Judge]

thanks... that makes sense!! I don't see it as a 'sacrifice'... i'm more curious about his thoughts behind it... why he'd think it 'didn't matter' or if hes weighed up his needs against mine...?

The emotional "weight" of a relationship may well be the heaviest of all of his social interactions. Forcing him to "ration" his time with you. Love and sex can come easy...but emotions and romance can be a complex "minefield" for some of us.

 

[ladybug]

The emotional "weight" of a relationship may well be the heaviest of all of his social interactions. Forcing him to "ration" his time with you. Love and sex can come easy...but emotions and romance can be a complex "minefield" for some of us.

when you say 'ration his time' do you mean that being in a relationship is possibly draining for him..? I don't make an issue of our time together- or when it gets changed as i usually have other stuff to do... I like to think i keep our relationship light, fun and loving....

 

[Judge]

when you say 'ration his time' do you mean that being in a relationship is possibly draining for him..?

Good point.

Draining? Unbelievably so- at times. It's why people like myself need routine solitude in between to make it all work. And when I didn't get it, the relationship suffered and eventually died.

Of course in other Aspies' cases they may simply need to away from the relationship rather than time away from humanity in general as I do. We're all somewhat different, so you can't approach us with a "cookie-cutter" mentality.

Just going to generic social interactions where I may not even know anyone can wipe me out. Factor in intense emotions and the pressure of romance....and I need a vacation! But in reality it's not really funny at all.

 

[ladybug]

Good point.

Draining? Unbelievably so- at times. It's why people like myself need routine solitude in between to make it all work. And when I didn't get it, the relationship suffered and eventually died.

Of course in other Aspies' cases they may simply need to away from the relationship rather than time away from humanity general as I do. We're all somewhat different, so you can't approach us with a "cookie-cutter" mentality.

Just going to generic social interactions where I may not even know anyone can wipe me out. Factor in intense emotions and the pressure of romance....and I need a vacation! But in reality it's not really funny at all.

Thanks... this is a HUGE help... I've been reading and learning what I can.... and as I've said when I came on here... its very new to me....., he does need his down time and I always encourage it, as when hes had that, and he's back... its almost like he's missed me - lol probably not! but he does seem 're-charged' but happier like hes had great fun on his own.....

 

[Judge]

Thanks... this is a HUGE help... I've been reading and learning what I can.... and as I've said when I came on here... its very new to me....., he does need his down time and I always encourage it, as when hes had that, and he's back... its almost like he's missed me - lol probably not! but he does seem 're-charged' but happier like hes had great fun on his own.....

Sounds good. Your most basic challenge in sustaining such a relationship involves not taking it personally. And yes, that's easier said than done. I get that. Apart from accepting that in some instances you may have to pull more of your weight in the relationship than may appear to be "fair".

 

[ladybug]

Sounds good. Your most basic challenge in sustaining such a relationship involves not taking it personally. And yes, that's easier said than done. I get that. Apart from accepting that in some instances you may have to pull more of your weight in the relationship than may appear to be "fair".

well, maybe this is the part that I do more in.... but he has his strengths too, i find him very calm to be around and can fix just about anything and although i'm quite handy too, I do the cooking (my 'making food' is a big thing for him), we have good banter, and I think could have a great future, but i don't want to rush him or us.

 

[ladybug]

Good point.

Draining? Unbelievably so- at times. It's why people like myself need routine solitude in between to make it all work. And when I didn't get it, the relationship suffered and eventually died.

Of course in other Aspies' cases they may simply need to away from the relationship rather than time away from humanity in general as I do. We're all somewhat different, so you can't approach us with a "cookie-cutter" mentality.

Just going to generic social interactions where I may not even know anyone can wipe me out. Factor in intense emotions and the pressure of romance....and I need a vacation! But in reality it's not really funny at all.

This also makes great sense!!!! as I've just had a call from him (Friday is always a very hectic/busy day for him).. so we are not seeing each other tomorrow,as planned, he's having time with his brother (if you remember from my rambling initial post!) but i said to him 'you sound stressed and a bit flat' ... he agreed by saying he's doing too much at the moment... so I immediately said that he needed down time and time to chill... so it was so good that he was having this weekend to do that and it was good for him.... i then told him my plan (popping down the coast to see my friend and help her around the house) he then said that's good but to keep my phone with me so he can keep in touch with me...!!

Now this is the next part of my question... should i not answer the phone if he calls/texts so he can have down time or would that stress him more...?

 

[Judge]

Now this is the next part of my question... should i not answer the phone if he calls/texts so he can have down time or would that stress him more...?

I'd answer the calls. Ultimately he has to manage his own downtime, because he's the one who can sense when he truly needs it.

It's enough for you just to be aware of it and allow him to handle it on his own terms.

 

[ladybug]

I'd answer the calls. Ultimately he has to manage his own downtime, because he's the one who can sense when he truly needs it.

It enough for you just to be aware of it and allow him to handle it on his own terms.

Judge thank you so much for helping me....I appreciate your candour and time.

I really am a bit adrift at times, with him... as i say, he has no formal diagnosis... but as my son is an aspie ( but he is one of the most generous, funny and kind people ) and early in my relationship with my partner, I told him, but they are very different, my partner likes a quiet life (perfect for me- as i've had all the drama to last many lifetimes) so i have tentatively asked if he's aware that he has some similarities, he also when tired, can twitch and make 'catlike' noisess... when he did it at first i thought i had misheard him say something.... but as i know now, i just ignore it or either put my hand on his thigh (if we are sitting beside each other)- we know he makes these noises, and i let him know its no issue for me...... and we chatted around it... so we both know... but again, I'm not sure if thats the right thing or not....?

 

[Warmheart]

You mentioned that your family didn't see your divorce coming, because you are "good at putting up with things... then snap."

Your Aspie needs extremely clear communication from you, in an extremely specific manner, ALL the time-- and *especially* about things which concern you.

Aspies may be challenged with _cognitive_ empathy.... we may miss social cues, hints, suggestive nudges, expressions, postures, etc. but, we often have fantastic _affectve_ empathy, which means once we DO know how you feel, we often may feel right along with you.

Tell him directly what you need, with specifics.
Examples:
"I feel last on your list"<--- too vague, confusing.
"I would like it if you could set aside time just for us every Saturday evening, sort of a 'date night.' " <--- Gotcha!

Also: Why not have some positive, open discussion about wanting to offer him more solitude breaks to decompress?
Mu honey offers this for me-- and it makes me so eager to engage with him after my solitude/decompression breaks!
An Aspie/Autie can be like a cushion. We get squished flat by overwhelm (social, sensory, task performance, stress in general), and solitude breaks help us decompress... helps the cushion go back to its original shape. I try to plan a "buffer" of solitude around stressful stuff
Like unstructured social engagements, doc appointments, etc.


I hope I might have helped you a bit. Best success!

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

If you don't say directly what's bothering you it's likely he has no idea you're hurting or even feeling put out.

 

[ladybug]

You mentioned that your family didn't see your divorce coming, because you are "good at putting up with things... then snap."

Your Aspie needs extremely clear communication from you, in an extremely specific manner, ALL the time-- and *especially* about things which concern you.

Aspies may be challenged with _cognitive_ empathy.... we may miss social cues, hints, suggestive nudges, expressions, postures, etc. but, we often have fantastic _affectve_ empathy, which means once we DO know how you feel, we often may feel right along with you.

Tell him directly what you need, with specifics.
Examples:
"I feel last on your list"<--- too vague, confusing.
"I would like it if you could set aside time just for us every Saturday evening, sort of a 'date night.' " <--- Gotcha!

Also: Why not have some positive, open discussion about wanting to offer him more solitude breaks to decompress?
Mu honey offers this for me-- and it makes me so eager to engage with him after my solitude/decompression breaks!
An Aspie/Autie can be like a cushion. We get squished flat by overwhelm (social, sensory, task performance, stress in general), and solitude breaks help us decompress... helps the cushion go back to its original shape. I try to plan a "buffer" of solitude around stressful stuff
Like unstructured social engagements, doc appointments, etc.


I hope I might have helped you a bit. Best success!

Thanks for that!!
Great suggestions...!! I did actually say to him 'i feel last on your list'... but i don't think he actually got what I meant, although we talked about it - he assured me 'I am very loved and wanted' .... Also, I am quite a laid back person, so asking for a 'date night' on a specific night seems 'demanding' to me...

I think the 'buffer' break is a genius idea..!!
As its just the 'unpredictability' of his needing alone time that bugs me (I know I've just said I'm laid back, but as I've children and a home to run - if I've planned being away for the weekend...I really like it to happen!!)

 

[ladybug]

If you don't say directly what's bothering you it's likely he has no idea you're hurting or even feeling put out.

That's difficult for me- as I'm not good at confrontation, and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings....