Yesterday, I had an appointment, but realised in the early hours of the morning that I did not need that appointment and in fact, it should be my husband having it! So, I related this ( in the past, I would be too embarrassed to say anything), he tried to reason with me, but in the end saw that I was determined.
So, we managed to swap the appointment for him, but we were out and about and so, he suggested we buy something from a shop to eat and then, go to the appointment. He did ask me about staying in the car or go in the waiting room, but I actually misunderstood him to mean something else and so said the car, but in fact, he said that for some reason, he did not mind waiting for me in the area where people wait, but did not like the idea of me waiting for him and so, left me the key of the car and I had my two devices on me and reading materal.
I did actually have a nap, which was nice and then looked at my phone, to see it was on a very low battery and in fact had shut down, which gave me a jolt of panic. I tried my other device, but it kept flashing and so, got a book out and started reading that.
I could suddenly feel my anxiety rising and looked at the time and saw I had been in the car for close to 2 hrs and no sign of my husband!
Now, any normal woman would just shrug her shoulders, get out of the car and go for a stroll to freshen and stretch; but not Suzanne. She is rooted to her chair and thinking: if the worst happened, I would end up not being able to do anything. I felt utterly demoralised and very frustrated with myself. It honestly felt like this huge obsticle I had to climb over. I saw myself walking in and fumbling with the lift and then, going to the wrong floor. Many say: the reality is never as bad as the fear, but I tell you, it is always bad for me. I would trip and get the wrong floor! I feel soooo well,, disarmed when on my own.
I started to whimper at my utter stupidity and cried out to Jehovah ( God) and the next minute, I decided to take one last look at my phone and it worked! It had turned off but had a little bit of battery left on it. I saw tons of messages from my husband and the last message of: I don't think you are getting these messages, but just to let you know, I am waiting for my results; I do hope you are ok? I remembered the time from my tablet and with a huge sense of relief saw that they tallied and thus, it would not be long. My phone then went dead.
30min's later, he returned! But I cannot shake this sense of patheticness about me. I feel such shame that I cannot do what normal people do. I would love to go out for walks on my own and explore things, but it PETRIFIES me.
So, when I can afford to go to see a psychiatrist, if there is a tablet that can help less the walls in my head, I think I might take them. I just want to be normal! ( in the sense of doing ordinary things on my own).
So, we managed to swap the appointment for him, but we were out and about and so, he suggested we buy something from a shop to eat and then, go to the appointment. He did ask me about staying in the car or go in the waiting room, but I actually misunderstood him to mean something else and so said the car, but in fact, he said that for some reason, he did not mind waiting for me in the area where people wait, but did not like the idea of me waiting for him and so, left me the key of the car and I had my two devices on me and reading materal.
I did actually have a nap, which was nice and then looked at my phone, to see it was on a very low battery and in fact had shut down, which gave me a jolt of panic. I tried my other device, but it kept flashing and so, got a book out and started reading that.
I could suddenly feel my anxiety rising and looked at the time and saw I had been in the car for close to 2 hrs and no sign of my husband!
Now, any normal woman would just shrug her shoulders, get out of the car and go for a stroll to freshen and stretch; but not Suzanne. She is rooted to her chair and thinking: if the worst happened, I would end up not being able to do anything. I felt utterly demoralised and very frustrated with myself. It honestly felt like this huge obsticle I had to climb over. I saw myself walking in and fumbling with the lift and then, going to the wrong floor. Many say: the reality is never as bad as the fear, but I tell you, it is always bad for me. I would trip and get the wrong floor! I feel soooo well,, disarmed when on my own.
I started to whimper at my utter stupidity and cried out to Jehovah ( God) and the next minute, I decided to take one last look at my phone and it worked! It had turned off but had a little bit of battery left on it. I saw tons of messages from my husband and the last message of: I don't think you are getting these messages, but just to let you know, I am waiting for my results; I do hope you are ok? I remembered the time from my tablet and with a huge sense of relief saw that they tallied and thus, it would not be long. My phone then went dead.
30min's later, he returned! But I cannot shake this sense of patheticness about me. I feel such shame that I cannot do what normal people do. I would love to go out for walks on my own and explore things, but it PETRIFIES me.
So, when I can afford to go to see a psychiatrist, if there is a tablet that can help less the walls in my head, I think I might take them. I just want to be normal! ( in the sense of doing ordinary things on my own).
