I need some help understanding this

[Maelstrom]

Meh! you should have driven down there to see how "old" his "Mom" was???

No guy wants to pass on girlfriend time in real life?

Unless he is just plain scared of Real Life stuff???

Sorts the same either way...most likely?

Sorry!...hopefully I am wrong?

 

[SusanLR]

if I were asked who I want with me on a "trip to the unknown" with possible ramifications to my future, I'd choose my mother in a heartbeat because no matter how messy things get, and how miserable/angry I might get (especially in case a meltdown or shutdown occurs), I don't feel the need to convince my mother I'm worth being loved. Being with my boyfriend, even for a few hours, in a situation like that? Additional stress, because I still don't want to show the weaker, uglier sides of me, even after over a decade together.

I've lived my life this way. Mom won heads up everytime.
One strong example was on a July 4th. Me and Mom always went to a certain fireworks display. This time I also had a boyfriend. He asked me to go to a fireworks show with him. Being the say it like it is Aspie, I said, No, I already have plans to go with my Mom to a show.
That went over real well..(sarcasm).
Beginning of the end.
But, yes, if I had a meltdown or panic attack I wouldn't want a boyfriend to see it or try to get him to understand. Mom would understand and I felt no shame.
I would still be this way today if she were alive.

My boyfriend was usually my one friend also.
But, never thought of as potential leaving home to live with them. At the end of the day, we went our seperate ways until we meet again.
Well, Karma got me when she died.
I'd never lived alone and the one boyfriend/friend I had at the time turned out to be so harsh. Wasn't used to that. But, I moved in with him due to financial, health and not wanting to try living alone. I've lived with him 5 years now and every day I wake up to the wish for living with Mom because I've never developed the ability to be anything but stressed and can't be myself with anyone else.
Well, that's my idea of what may be going on. May not be, but, that's what happened with me.

 

[Suzanne]

the importance that I put on being able to see each other.

Not clear enough. To him who took you literally. Importance and being able to see each other, relates to him: drop things and spend time with her.

My husband said, when we were cuddling in bed ( sometimes a pleasant sensation and other times, a strangling sensation) and I needed to visit the toilet and so, said that and his response was to hold me tighter and say: oh please, don't go, stay with me and immediately I panicked: but I need the toilet; how am I going to go to the toilet, when he needs me to stay here? Then, for the first time, I saw I was takinig him literally and that, of course, I can say I need to go to the toilet now and I did and he let me go.

We are people who need clear statements. For example: Please help me. Rather than: I could do with some help. When my husband says that, I actually need to ask him: do you mean you need my help? Now, I know to the NT brain, that is just plain inane and guess what is even more weird? I can say to him: I could do with some help you know, but I think that is because I recognise that he will grasp that and he does.

Life with an aspie and life with an NT is hard going.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

That difficulty Suzanne would be understandable, like for an Aspie and NT, if one took things more literally but the other was less direct, or if they used figurative language or common sayings that were though strange or less understood by Aspies. But, even for two NTs in relationships, too, and for two persons with other seemingly incompatible conditions from the surface, difficulties in relationships can happen, too, but those can be overcome with compromise, or those differences can help make the relationship stronger.

Like, my wife and I are two total opposites, but each with abilities and limitations. Although I am very patient, organized, detailed, analytical, have high stress tolerance, like solving issues, have higher emotitional intelligence, and love communicating by phones, and live in the present, my wife has much general knowledge, has more creativity, has great ability talking to strangers and others in groups, can support others for longer duration because of similar emotional issues as them, can plan for future things better, can worry less if things are not done right away, and things like that.

So, we do not try to change the other for the most part, but compromise for certain things, try to understand better, or just learn to accept that these differences are nothing to get bothered about, as they can help us become more well rounded persons, or help us achieve things better when other persons have to be involved, or when certain tasks need to be done a certain way, or require certain opposing abilities or strengths. So, yes even one with ADHD, like my wife, and I with more culturally accepted proper ways, can learn to find happiness, if we see positive in those differences.

 

[Maelstrom]

You all totally missed my point:
1. she has no proof it was his Mom he certainly is acting spooky about it...the buddy could be covering for him.

2. If it was his Mom then she is maybe too big a Horror for him to let her see?

3. He is a online Romeo only ...and is too scared to me a real Girl.

4. Or he is just a Total selfish Guy Tool!

She loses all 4 ways....?

More than one above (Bad Option) can be in play at the same time?...it just doesn't add up right!...he could have seen her for a few minutes at least...hiding something?

 

[Kyn]

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with your attitude. It's all right to have needs and expectations in a relationship, I mean, what relationship doesn't? Even though you are with an aspie, you can't really forego all your own wants for his sake. In the end, it's all about compatibility and adjustments from both sides.

Reading the posts here, I think you've got the right idea...be gentle with him, while at the same time being kind to yourself and considering your own preferences. Best of luck on the journey ahead.

Thank you, Thursday. Very much.

1. she has no proof it was his Mom he certainly is acting spooky about it...the buddy could be covering for him.

It's his mom. There is photographic evidence on Facebook for all to see.

2. If it was his Mom then she is maybe too big a Horror for him to let her see?

No, I have had many interactions with her in the past, even just last week.

3. He is a online Romeo only ...and is too scared to me a real Girl.

We were physically together for 5 years before this whole miserable long distance thing started.

4. Or he is just a Total selfish Guy Tool!

Aren't we all a little selfish sometimes?

 

[Chance]

As an Aspie guy married to a NT wife, I have no way of speaking for someone else, but I have lots of trouble processing too many people around me at once. Too many can at times be one or more. I don't have a mom, she took off when I was young, but maybe he knows there are differences between you and his mom. Those differences cause him lots of inner turmoil. Just a guess??? Inner turmoil sucks the life out of me, so I will do most anything to find some peace somewhere to make this brain give me a break.

Never saying he is right, or giving him a free pass to be a jerk, but it sounds like he is having some very real trouble, or someone (mom) maybe causing that trouble and he just doesn't know how to deal with it.

Personally I hate confrontation... Its shutdown time real fast. It's all I can do, other than explode all over the place and then feel horrible over that for months.

My marriage has been extremely difficult at times. Do I love her? Yes, but I don't want to be around her, or anyone else a lot of the time. I know that sounds horrible but it just takes so much energy to interact with someone who is so different all the time. She's mildly extroverted and I like that about her until she forces this total introvert (me) into situations that are like hell on earth.

We have made it work, but if she wasn't so dependent on my income and the nice stuff that is provided to her at no charge whatsoever... I think she would leave me in a heartbeat. We are married but its basically 2 people living separate lives under one roof at this point. I told you this for a reason.

He's Aspie - your not... It's like oil and water. Its most likely never going to improve or change. Don't chase down something that is going to hurt you for the rest of your life. Never saying Aspie is bad or NT is bad, they are just two different universes some times.

I wish a million times over that I would have not married. I tried to back out 2 different times and I have told her she is free to go find her soul mate, or just someone else that can make her happy. I truly want her to be happy, but she won't do it... Instead she stays and complains about how I won't change and about how weird I am. It has gotten to the point that I am her excuse for everything wrong in her life... I sort of hear that same thing going on in what you have expressed. Your disappointed and I do get that, but thats all I get.

I know this sounds horrible, but I hate for anyone (including myself) to be miserable.

So sweets, if your upset and miserable now... Do you think you can change his brain? That brain is hard wired totally different than yours? My wife is still determined she can "change" me. That is all she has ever tried to do since we were dating. She has finally seemed to figure it out that I cant change and she basically hates me for this. I became her failure. It isn't some choice I made, and so we just kind of hang on to mostly nothing at this point.

I have to be totally honest here. Mentally I have basically moved on. I just don't worry about her. She is free to do whatever she pleases... I am not given that freedom because she HAS TOO control all things... things she cant even begin to control. This is where I don't understand NT's many of them are control freaks and I cant make that add up at any level.

Not one of us are here, to force another person to make us happy... I have a wife that is determined that I make her happy. Aspie or not, NO ONE can fill that bill, or pay that price. So that is where I don't see NT's as "normal" and often why I don't interact well with them. They have to call the shots and make the world fit what they demand. As an Aspie I demand nothing from anyone (ever), except to leave me the hell alone sometimes.

This probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but please just be honest with yourself.
Love hurts, and for an aspie love just sometimes doesn't even make sense.

I hope in some weird messed up aspie way, this made some sense and you can find it helpful.

 

[Kyn]

@Chance
I am really, truly sorry for your situation. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me very much. You're right, it's not what I want to hear, but I am still glad that you shared.
I am very aware of the oil and water thing. My dad is borderline aspie, although he hides it well and is mostly fine socially. Still, in his thought patterns and communication methods, he is an aspie. I have watched he and my mom struggle back and forth for my entire life. They are still married, 40+ years in, but I look at them and know that I don't ever, ever want to end up like them.
The difference between me and my mom (and it sounds like your wife as well) is that I don't want to change him. I know that I can't. I just want to understand him better. I want to find ways that we can communicate more effectively. Since he told me about being as aspie (over a year into our relationship), I have been able to change my own perspectives, actions, and communication habits and it has improved our relationship immensely. I don't mind being the one to change the way I go about things, as long as the other person doesn't expect me to change who I am as a person. He and I have a lot of differences and a lot of similarities, and the thing that has made our relationship great thus far is that we pursue our own interests on our own, and then come together and share the things we are mutually interested in. I do understand the need for autonomy, alone time, and space. I have the same needs- traits I probably get from my dad.
On a more practical, non-emotional level, another huge difference is that we keep our finances seperate and that is a mutual choice. He is much better off in that department than me, but I do not, and have never wanted, to be dependent on my partner financially. I see my mom in that situation- many times she has wanted to leave but wouldn't and couldn't because she depends on him completely when it comes to finances. I never want to be that woman.

All this to say- I feel like the main problems I see/hear about in other aspie/NT relationships we have largely worked through. Understanding is the key, I really believe that. My current problem is just that there are times- like right now- that I just don't grasp his behavior. I came here because I want to understand, and sometimes he just shuts down and will not communicate, will not help me understand what he is thinking, feeling, or going through. I guess, if I want to change anything, it would be that. I just wish that he would communicate with me in a more functional way. I know that that is often impossible for an aspie to do, but his communication with me has improved exponentially over the past 5 years, and that gives me hope that we can work through this. I don't expect him to function like an NT. I don't want him to. His quirks, if you can call them that, are part of what makes him who he is.

I am upset, yes. I don't much like being in the dark, especially when it comes to the person I care most about in this world. However, I am far from miserable in our relationship. For that reason, I am not ready to give up trying to understand.

 

[SusanLR]

This sounds like he may have the same set way of thinking about relationships that I always had. I could act pretty normal and with intellect get along in the NT world at work. But you don't know how hard it really was because I always wanted my Mom to be there also. I constantly made excuses as to why I never left home or wanted a life of my own or why me and Mom were almost inseperable.
I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks by age 13 and found myself always running home when upset from being out there with other people. I didn't want to be alone due to these scary panic attacks. I didn't know what they even were at that age and I didn't want to tell anyone since I feared it was my mind. She became my drug. My room my womb. I home studied High School to avoid being with others. Went to a University nearby so I didn't have to live on campus. By this time the need to feel security was deeply set. I've been a model, an instructor and a pharmacist in my life and no one knew the real me except for my Mom. She reaped benefits from this too...knowing she would never have to lose her girl to someone or something else and she too was totally financially taken care of between my Dad's income and mine.
I can't complain as it was a co-dependency.
When she died I had no one to turn to and no experience at life on my own. So now I live with a control freak NT that I was dating at the time she passed. I pay him for a wing of his house, yet he thinks he owns me and wants me to do everything with him.
And when I do get away from the house he constantly calls wanting to know where I am, when will I get home, how long will I be out. Confrontations make me want to have outbursts then shutdowns. But, I have to try and hide that. It still happens sometimes and that is not good. He threatens me with eviction so I would not know what to do with no car and very little money. The relationship is platonic.
So yes, an NT with an Aspie can be like two different worlds.

 

[Ocarina]

Kyn - perhaps I've missed something here - but did you ever ask him why he did not want to see you? Why he wanted his mum to be with him instead?

Maybe there will be answers you would rather not hear, or maybe he will not be able to answer, but surely it's better, once you've dealt with your understandable emotional response, to be direct in your attempt to understand him?

I hope all was resolved in the end.

 

[Rich Gray]

I once had a boss that said "We are here to work. Do not accept any calls from anyone whom is not your mother." Mom's, most of the time, have the exception to the rule.

 

[Kyn]

@Ocarina
We never really discussed it, at least not in any depth. I am not sure if he really couldn't, or just wouldn't, talk about it, but the conversation didn't really go anywhere. He asked for "a little understanding in this situation" and that was pretty much it. I wasn't totally satisfied with that, but I didn't want to push too hard.
Interestingly, though, our relationship has really been flourishing since then. It is like we turned some sort of intangible corner during this whole mess. He talks to me about his daily thoughts and activities more openly than he did previously, we have talked out a few other things that needed to be discussed, and have been able to have pretty open dialogue about a lot of things.
All in all, we are moving forward together.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Kyn: Fairly recently my girlfriend expressed that she would like to hear the "three little words that means so much" more often. I told her I love her three years ago. In my mind nothing has changed so this still holds true unless I say otherwise so why would I keep telling her the same thing? Now I carefully pick a time to say "I love you." We can be taught! At least some of us. She needed to tell me what she expected from me in a way that I could grasp.

Wow this totally describes what is happening with me and my "aspie" friend right now. He recently told me that my saying "I love you" to him so often (maybe once a month) feels to him like I'm trying to convince him of something he already knows and that this is annoying him. Whereas I would never have imagined that is how he was interpreting it and was just trying to be loving to him without any other ulterior motive. It was extremely hurtful to me to hear him say this. We are on different continents (literally)- I'm in the US and he's in So. America so it's not like I have many ways to express my feelings. I can't do acts of service for example which I suspect is his way of showing caring. So your explanation of this thought process has really helped me and I thank you for it. I would never ask him or pressure him to tell me "I love you". (He has in fact already done this 2-3 times in the 19 months or so we've been corresponding via chat.) I have learned that he expresses his caring in other ways rather than words and am fine with that. But I am a very feeling person and when I feel loving it's very hard for me to hold in my feelings. So now I have to figure out how to deal with them without annoying him. I have tried very hard to show my caring for him in other ways- I have taken an interest in his main activity( playing computer games), spending time listening to him talk about that special interest, watching him play games and when able to playing with him. I have sent him things I know he likes (because he's posted them on Facebook) and he has said everything I've sent him has been awesome. I have been there for him financially (he's a student) so he can relax about his school tuition and have some "fun" money on a regular basis. I have asked him what things make him feel loved and his response was "I don't know." Later he said feeling comfortable with someone and that he does feel mostly comfortable with me. He is an INTJ and I'm an INFJ. This may also be affecting the miscommunication. He is an extreme introvert who has had a truly miserable time of it in his life. I just want to help him feel loved, accepted ,safe, wanted and valued and I have said that to him more than once. But he doesn't respond to it so I don't really know how successful I've been except that he has consistently maintained regular contact over the time we've known each other. Sorry this has been so long winded- I just came across this post while trying to find something that would help me understand his thought process behind his saying he was annoyed. I think now I do and will not take it so personally as I was.

 

[paloftoon]

@Kyn

I hope that things balance out for you.

I have on;y read your original post not the responses from others, and I have this to offer:

There is the remote possibility that he sees his relationship with his mother as in jeopardy, more than his relationship with you. That would be a logical conclusion IF there were something in play that has not been shared.

Tread lightly. Consider that possibly there is more going on then he is sharing - find a way to ask without being intrusive. Protect yourself

Kyn, you know the situation best since you are in it.
it is very possible there could be layers that he might not feel comfortable explaining. 6 years is more than long enough to ask these harder questions and you are not prying too much (unless you are only like 21 at this point, then the childhood factor and all the complex logistics that go along with that would have to be put into context as well), especially considering the long distance, and considering your trust and level of comfortability, it is a good time to ask more open questions and responses about each other in private as much as possible because you deserve answers . I know this only from a potentially excellent relationship gone so wrong unfortunately , so hopefully this is helpful for all of you at least.

He might be immature and have an attachment or is held by his mother. He might have had help to live where he living with now, and doesn't want to be unappreciative of all his mother's hard work and generosity. Maybe mother was generous financially and in some ways resourcefully, but emotions might not be so questionably fully respected as need be. This boyfriend of yours you describe still should spend some time with him mom, but spend time with you too since you make it feasible, or at least introduce you to his mother and have all three of you hang out. This is not too much to ask for. Like if he really wants to try to make this work, he should be okay with that at some point. Maybe he's immature and didn't realize that he doesn't want to go all the way unless his mother let's him go his own way. Maybe he doesn't realize how to let go and is scared because that requires a lot more independence he is not ready for. Maybe he'll never be 100% ready for that. Do you think you and maybe your family could support him if that was the case and he went on his own for you? Staying with his mom might be more of a "certain thing" than being with you. You can't compete with his mother nor should you. They are two different things.

What you can do is ask him to respect both you and his mother and everyone. This means that his mother may not approve of all his decisions and can still come visit, but he doesn't and probably shouldn't close or reduce contact when things can feasibly work to make things work out otherwise. If, say, for instance, mom were to disown him because he decided to live independently with you, that would be a big burden for him to deal with on top of being with you. There are probably a lot of emotions hidden that are hard to express, deal with, and he may not realize everything that's there. You may have to "dig" gently, but appropriately, but also try to be just as honest about your situation and what you can deal with if you can think of it. In your situation, since it seems you can't really spend quality time in-person regularly, and since there's been an interest long enough, it might be okay to ask at least some hard questions at this point. If there aren't good answers even after trying to work with his situation, it may be best to stay civil, but cut the commitment part if applicable, and to move on.

 

[WereBear]

Having read all the responses, I wonder if it is a "gear changing" situation.

He's here for WORK and if his mom is WORK then she gets slotted into the mindset he has to deal with that.

Switching to the Romance Mode is entirely different, and maybe too difficult for just a few hours? When you would have invested many hours in it and still not getting what you would want from him?

Daniel Day Lewis is an extreme Method Actor: when he is playing a character in a wheelchair, he lives in the wheelchair during production. He's not the kind of actor who wants to task-switch. It probably takes him a while to "get into" the part, and then it is better, for him, if he stays there.

So, it can be a compliment that he doesn't see you as WORK. And he might be slow to switch modes, and maybe even unable to do so for a few hours when he knows he needs to switch back.

It's like showing up at the movie set and expecting Daniel Day Lewis to play tennis. "It's just for a few hours! You can go right back to shooting the movie after!"