I feel like a pariah in my own town

[BradT]

I want to tell a story, back in junior high. I became obsessed with this girl, I would call her house and hang up on her. I would drive by her house without her knowing and I would print out pictures of her editing them and repost back on the internet. This was back in 2001 and I have gotten help for it and I even apologized to her. I feel like she told her friends about it which were my friends too and now they don't want to be around me. It's like they are scared of me. I feel so awful and maybe it's time to move to a new town and start all over. I just want to know what causes obsessions? Can it be part of the autism spectrum? Do any other aspies feel like they are a pariah? I mean what can I do, I apologized to her and I still feel my old friends hold a grudge against me. I was also very immature back then, I didn't mean to stalk her, it just got out of control. I'm not a bad person.

 

[Momo]

I also agree with the fresh start idea, I have moved around a lot personally, and I find that as I get older and learn to adapt better this has been to my advantage as when I do become the pariah I just start anew. A change in town can't erase your past, but it means that you can have another shot.

 

[Suzanne]

I became obsesssed with a guy I went out with, but whether it is the difference between male aspies and female aspies, not sure, but not a soul knew. I kept it so quiet that not even my boyfriend knew how obsessed I was with him, well, not until several month's ago, now, he got back in touch, after nearly 30 years and for some bizarre reason, I ended up telling him, but he acted pretty much like always: keeping things to himself and just saying: they were mad times.

If you have done all you can and they still act this way, then moving would be better all around. I guess some things are hide to forget and obviously what happened had a huge negative impact on her and your friends and thus, no amount of apologising will apease the situation.

 

[BradT]

I became obsesssed with a guy I went out with, but whether it is the difference between male aspies and female aspies, not sure, but not a soul knew. I kept it so quiet that not even my boyfriend knew how obsessed I was with him, well, not until several month's ago, now, he got back in touch, after nearly 30 years and for some bizarre reason, I ended up telling him, but he acted pretty much like always: keeping things to himself and just saying: they were mad times.

If you have done all you can and they still act this way, then moving would be better all around. I guess some things are hide to forget and obviously what happened had a huge negative impact on her and your friends and thus, no amount of apologising will apease the situation.

You're right, but it's still very sad and pathetic that people would still want to hold a grudge.

 

[Judge]

Obsessions. Special interests. Those involving things, well...I suspect most of us would concede that's natural to most Aspies. Probably a good thing in most instances.

However when an obsession involves people, not so much. Whether one is Neurotypical or Neurodiverse.

Obsessions revolving around a particular person, I'm inclined to think that in most cases they don't end well. Stalking amounts to harassment and intimidation whether intentional or otherwise, and in various jurisdictions may be considered a crime.

 

[BradT]

Obsessions. Special interests. Those involving things, well...I suspect most of us would concede that's natural to most Aspies. Probably a good thing in most instances.

However when an obsession involves people, not so much. Whether one is Neurotypical or Neurodiverse.

Obsessions revolving around a particular person, I'm inclined to think that in most cases they don't end well. Stalking amounts to harassment and intimidation whether intentional or otherwise, and in various jurisdictions may be considered a crime.

I never got in trouble, I was just a very mixed up kid back then.

 

[Judge]

I never got in trouble, I was just a very mixed up kid back then.

Indeed, sometimes it's no big deal, other times it's skirting the law. And then there's always the impression of it by unrelated parties. Not much you can do about that. People gossip.

 

[Bolletje]

They might not even be holding a grudge, but a reputation as a creepy stalker tends to stick. Doesn't go away because you apologized to the girl.

Getting a fresh start somewhere else might be a good idea, if it's troubling you too much.

 

[Judge]

They might not even be holding a grudge, but a reputation as a creepy stalker tends to stick. Doesn't go away because you apologized to the girl.

Getting a fresh start somewhere else might be a good idea, if it's troubling you too much.

Even worse I suppose if one lives in a very small community where everyone knows everyone else. I always wondered how I might fare in such a place...for better or for worse.

 

[BradT]

They might not even be holding a grudge, but a reputation as a creepy stalker tends to stick. Doesn't go away because you apologized to the girl.

Getting a fresh start somewhere else might be a good idea, if it's troubling you too much.

That was so long ago though.

 

[BradT]

So their is nothing I can do for them to change their perspective of me? I've lost my old friends for good?

 

[Judge]

That was so long ago though.

When it comes to grudges some folks can hold onto them forever.

 

[Bolletje]

That was so long ago though.

Yeah, but this is not the kind of thing people forget. Stalking is pretty serious. Even if you feel remorseful now, that doesn't change how people see you. They need to see and experience first hand that you're different now, but they'll need to want to give you a chance to prove it.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, but this is not the kind of thing people forget. Stalking is pretty serious. Even if you feel remorseful now, that doesn't change how people see you. They need to see and experience first hand that you're different now, but they'll need to want to give you a chance to prove it.

The thing people often keep in their minds are those incidents of stalking that lead to crime and even death. So for some, it's anything but trivial. Even if no one was actually injured.

 

[BradT]

Maybe I'm not a pariah, maybe it's all in my head. I mean I don't even attempt to contact anyone.

 

[Alaska]

Maybe I'm not a pariah, maybe it's all in my head. I mean I don't even attempt to contact anyone.

Brad, moving is hard work and takes a lot out of an Aspie. If you being a pariah is something that is only happening in your head, you need to know it.

I think it would be a good idea to attempt to contact someone and find out what you are dealing with. Before you go to the trouble and expense of moving, it is a good idea to try contacting several people even. You might not be a pariah and won't need to move to a other town.

If you are a pariah, then move and get it over with. I hope it works out either way.

 

[BradT]

I decided I'm not going to move either way, I mean these were people in middle school, I had friends in high school and besides this is the town I was born in,they can think whatever they want.

 

[Elizabeth]

This quote concerns me.

I'm glad you have moved past the infatuation and could a place that you are comfortable.

If you feel that your obsession in a new place will make you a pariah, you should be visiting a stable Doctor.

 

[BradT]

If you feel that your obsession in a new place will make you a pariah, you should be visiting a stable Doctor.

No, I decided that I want to stay in my current town.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I know what it's like to be a pariah. Here comes one of my college rants! Longest one yet. In college I tried to fit in and make a lot of friends after seeing how everyone just magically got along, but it backfired miserably. I used to be a lone wolf in the past and hardly ever had any friends, and making such a huge social jump was a big no-no. Instead of being cool I ended up trying too hard and exhibiting very annoying and obnoxious behavior, and that's because my social skills suck. I was very loud too, and extremely stubborn. I talked way too much and ran around the computer labs. To add to these annoying behaviors I also exhibited lots of anxieties and obsessive behavior (my anxieties are very severe) and complained about things; and when I didn't complain I was so hyper (actually hoping to be "cool") that people thought I was crazy or on drugs. I had many people avoid me and remove me from Facebook which made me confront them all under the illusion that they would take me back.

Moreover I used to whine about the Facebook removals to my other classmates. I kept on saying that I didn't deserve to be cut off because I'm a really nice guy. I used to make attempts to join study groups but ended up being either the extra wheel or the weirdo invading other people's space. I also tried to be funny but ended up saying some really inappropriate jokes without even being aware (to add to my already existing issues with tact). A few people actually screamed at me in front of other classmates. All that time I actually thought those classmates were my friends, and was shocked as to why they would treat me that way...boy, who was I kidding - only myself. I didn't even know I had Asperger's, and neither did the classmates; many of them just thought I was some crazy jerk. I later understood everything...as in near-graduation later. After a professor and a small group of students actually made an intervention and explained all these behaviors to me in detail. Before that, a guy was making indirect signals by being "annoying" to me himself, but I initially took that as him simply "having fun". I was never able to understand anything indirect. I eventually understood, retrospectively. On my own before the intervention, I was never able to. I just wonder how I wasn't expelled. By that time I had so many people either hate me, avoid me or make fun of me. I was the pariah of the computer science department. I really didn't mean to offend and alienate anyone, I swear.

I understand now that my Asperger's was the reason why I behaved this way, but wise people would tell me to not use it as an excuse. I've improved my behavior slightly since then because I started working right after graduation and being the only employee for a few months made me take a well-deserved solitude break. Later on I started observing my boss and coworkers and learned a little bit of social behavior by observing them for several years. I'm able to detect SOME body language, including the "annoyed grimace". In college I was never able to do that. I did almost regress into my college behavior at work though and ruined my relationships with a couple of colleagues (but they still treat me in a civil manner). I'm still just so different from everyone there, and I really don't want to become the pariah; and so far I'm not - but I am still annoying, I can tell. Right now I'm working on even more improvements, with the guidance of my psychologist. I should have started seeing one before even going to college, as I always knew there was something off about me. Before college though, I was very shy and didn't feel like talking to many people so I didn't get a chance to actually exhibit the behavior I described.

Deep down inside I just know that I'm a nice guy and I really do care about people (but have trouble showing it)...it's just that my lack of social skills can create some really bad situations. There were a few students who overlooked all that and actually thought I was cool and I'm just wondering how that came to be - but it's much much better than nothing! Right now I even managed to make a few friends that I can hang out with and I became extremely clingy to them because I had trouble making friends all my life - but I feel like I was almost regressing into the college behavior and my doc managed to make me stop before it's too late. I actually felt that happening and talked to my doc about it! At home I'm not a pariah because I always have my parents' love and support but I do exhibit behavioral issues. My mom and dad actually do feel like I've gradually improved since college (I told them about the experience), but I do have my bad days. I feel like the community here is helping me out TONS, and I want to thank everyone for that. My doc is the reason I joined in the first place, he was the one who told me I have Asperger's and advised that I join an online community.

End of rant, I just needed to share the college story. I've been meaning to do it on here, and I've done it multiple times - but not in such detail (although my posts themselves do go a bit into the detailed side).