I feel like a fraud

[Datura]

For about half a year now I have been obsessed with the notion that I might be on the autism specrum. Despite realizing quite quickly that my suspicions were likely eronious I can't seem to let go of the notion that I am an aspie.

I certainly have some aspie traits, but there are also traits which I lack. When I take tests some of them come up AS and others NT. Still, there are other cases where I could easily answer questions either way. I mean, do I have difficulty reading people's intentions? Are my gait, manerisms and vocal cadence "unusual?" I really don't know.

I have made the case elsewhere for why I think I may be AS (stimming, executive functioning difficulties, a history of steriotyped behaviors) but for every trait I can name I can probably think of a couterindication.

• Up until recently I had never experienced the characteristic sensory issues associated with AS, and that eppisode was triggered by medication.

• Though I was considered a loner through most of my school life I was never truly without friends. Even when I was a pariha at school I still had good friends who I would hang out with in my free time. Socializing can be exhausting for me, but spending too much time alone is maddening.

• People largely consider me a kind and empathic person, demonstrating I possess inate social skills with which aspies typically struggle. I am sometimes accuse of being rude (especially in the workplace) without understanding why, but general consensus has always been that I am a "nice" person.

• I was a bit of a "little professor" as a kid, but I don't think my special interests ever reached the intensity associated with AS. My interests have also been more genralized than I belive a diagnosis would imply .

• I have never struggled with metaphores. In fact, I love figurative language. Even if I don't innitially understand a saying the process of parsing it's meaning is fun for me.

• Sometimes my memory is uncanny, but is generally unreliable. Aspies are supposed to accel in recalling numbers and trivia pertaining to special interests. I am horrible for remembering numbers, and despite spending countless hours researching the history of anime, for example, the names of well known directors still elude me.
  
• When I raise the issue of asperger's with friends, family, and medical professionals they all react incredulously.

Perhaps I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. On one hand, I am having some very real issues and desperately want to put a name to them and find solutions. On the other hand, I feel foolish for continuing to persue this avenue. I wish I could abandon the notion that I have AS and move on, but the question lingers.

I suppose I have also become rather attached to this community. I feel I am among kindred spirits. But I also feel like I may be using up space that does not beling to me, that I am diluting this community and adding confusion as to what AS is.

I know the saying; "If you have met one aspie, you've met one aspie.", but how far can one stretch the deffinition before it loses all meaning? At what point do we say, "Sorry, guess again"?

 

[Nisk]

There's no guidelines that says this forum is specifically for aspies. If you feel comfortable in this community and can relate to certain aspects and not others I'd say that gives you a unique perspective on things that can be beneficial to any community regardless of the label they choose to use.

 

[Warmheart]

Datura, you are very much welcome here, regardless of whatever flavor neurology you might have. (((Hugs)))
You are secure here among friends!

A formal diagnosis is essentially mainly to get some supports in place, should one require them. If you are curious, or feel you need some supports, why not begin with a neuropsych appointment to get tested officially, if your insurance will cover it? You can be tested for ASD, or ADHD, or anything else you and the neuropsychologist discuss that might feel right to be tested for.

What you are is creative, intelligent, caring, funny, and distinctive. Getting a diagnosis isn't as important as valuing yourself for your wondrous talents and special gifts. Aspie or NT, you are very much appreciated here!

 

[ancusmitis]

For about half a year now I have been obsessed with the notion that I might be on the autism specrum. Despite realizing quite quickly that my suspicions were likely eronious I can't seem to let go of the notion that I am an aspie.

I certainly have some aspie traits, but there are also traits which I lack. When I take tests some of them come up AS and others NT. Still, there are other cases where I could easily answer questions either way. I mean, do I have difficulty reading people's intentions? Are my gait, manerisms and vocal cadence "unusual?" I really don't know.

I have made the case elsewhere for why I think I may be AS (stimming, executive functioning difficulties, a history of steriotyped behaviors) but for every trait I can name I can probably think of a couterindication.

• Up until recently I had never experienced the characteristic sensory issues associated with AS, and that eppisode was triggered by medication.

• Though I was considered a loner through most of my school life I was never truly without friends. Even when I was a pariha at school I still had good friends who I would hang out with in my free time. Socializing can be exhausting for me, but spending too much time alone is maddening.

• People largely consider me a kind and empathic person, demonstrating I possess inate social skills with which aspies typically struggle. I am sometimes accuse of being rude (especially in the workplace) without understanding why, but general consensus has always been that I am a "nice" person.

• I was a bit of a "little professor" as a kid, but I don't think my special interests ever reached the intensity associated with AS. My interests have also been more genralized than I belive a diagnosis would imply .

• I have never struggled with metaphores. In fact, I love figurative language. Even if I don't innitially understand a saying the process of parsing it's meaning is fun for me.

• Sometimes my memory is uncanny, but is generally unreliable. Aspies are supposed to accel in recalling numbers and trivia pertaining to special interests. I am horrible for remembering numbers, and despite spending countless hours researching the history of anime, for example, the names of well known directors still elude me.
  
• When I raise the issue of asperger's with friends, family, and medical professionals they all react incredulously.

Perhaps I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. On one hand, I am having some very real issues and desperately want to put a name to them and find solutions. On the other hand, I feel foolish for continuing to persue this avenue. I wish I could abandon the notion that I have AS and move on, but the question lingers.

I suppose I have also become rather attached to this community. I feel I am among kindred spirits. But I also feel like I may be using up space that does not beling to me, that I am diluting this community and adding confusion as to what AS is.

I know the saying; "If you have met one aspie, you've met one aspie.", but how far can one stretch the deffinition before it loses all meaning? At what point do we say, "Sorry, guess again"?

A lot of this could describe me at different times. I have an official diagnosis, but I received it when I was six. Worth noting, although sensory issues are very very common, to the point it was often suggested they be included in the official criteria, to my knowledge they haven't made it in there. Same is true of memory. As I recall, one argument against doing so would exclude people from diagnosis who would be able to benefit from it. As for impairment of social interaction, it doesn't require disinterist. Frith's book notes that aspies are often gregarious, but in such an awkward manner that it rarely results in many friendships. Sometimes when people are disinterested or reclusive, it's kind of a chicken-or-egg kind of thing. Is social functioning iompaired because of reclusiveness, or is reclusiveness the result of impairment?

 

[Datura]

Thanks guys. It's good to feel welcome.

I am just so confused right now. I have been off work for months, searching for answers, trying to get referrals, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

I just got a package in the mail today regarding long term dissability coverage. I am so ashamed. Maybe I could get a letter saying I could go back to work, but I am no better now than when they asked me to take time off. If I did go back they would probably just end up firing me. Meanwhile, if I take the disability coverage (offered through my work) does that mean I am obligated to not look for work elsewhere? It's just as well, sending out resumes is seriously nerve wracking for me. But I am tired of being ruled by my anxiety.

 

[Karin]

Keep in mind that there are more versions of being on the spectrum than aspie. When my daughter was being examined I could answer almost all the questions with 'that's just like me!' and she is being diagnosed with PDD-NOS. I was told the difference from Asperger's is she has better social skills, more anxiety and more fragility. That's a pretty good description of me as well.

Some people have told me they don't think I can be on the spectrum because I come through as very compassionate. But I know enough people on this forum knows that you can have a great degree of compassion and still be on the spectrum. For me, it's a case of reading people to great depth from body language and in. My daughter has the same degree of empathy. So if you feel you resonate with vertical thinking in general, don't bother too much about the distinctions

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

I respect you more for acknowledging doubts then being one of those loud and proud types who wear their self-diagnosis like a badge. Many of your counterindictions apply to me (for example, I never had any blatant sensory issues as a child, although as I've got older I've become more sensitive to sound and light; I had a small number of friends; I didn't have extremely obsessive interests; I get metaphors and sarcasm; my memory is appalling - actually I think all of them apply to me).

I think the "core" of autism is social and communication difficulties, which I had in spades from early childhood onwards. Stuff like sensory issues, special interests, brilliant memory, etc. is the icing on the cake. You have to have the social and communication difficulties, but not all or even most of the other peripheral issues, for a diagnosis.

I'm in a rush, otherwise I'd perhaps say more. But I think it's worth continuing to pursue a referral, not for anyone else, but for yourself. Best of luck.

 

[Progster]

I agree that it's worth seeking a referral, then you can be assessed and advised as to where you are on the spectrum. Then you will know where you stand, and feel less anxious about it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

As others have said, you're a member here and welcome to stay regardless of wherever you fall on or off the spectrum. And we'll do our best to try to help you out.

What helped my doubt was multiple trait lists for female autism. Although I still feel I'm too weird to be normal and too normal to be weird. I don't quite fit in with either end. In fact, some days I am convinced I have SPD and autism is my comorbid!

But, if you'd like, here are two trait lists I've found helpful:
http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html
https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress....sperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

Up until recently I had never experienced the characteristic sensory issues associated with AS, and that eppisode was triggered by medication.
When I was studying of sensory processing disorder and related sensory issues of autistics, one factoid I came across said 75% of people on the spectrum had sensory issues. You could be one of the 25% who do not.

Though I was considered a loner through most of my school life I was never truly without friends. Even when I was a pariha at school I still had good friends who I would hang out with in my free time. Socializing can be exhausting for me, but spending too much time alone is maddening.
The first autistic I ever met in person was HIGHLY extroverted. Lots of friends, loved to socialize. The first Asperger's I met had a tight knit of friends he hung out regularly with, I was one of them. Both of those guys were diagnosed as little kids and still displayed a ton of traits.

People largely consider me a kind and empathic person, demonstrating I possess inate social skills with which aspies typically struggle. I am sometimes accuse of being rude (especially in the workplace) without understanding why, but general consensus has always been that I am a "nice" person.
Me too! I've had a lot of unintentional training that makes me very good with body language and expression to the point sometimes I have to educate normal people on correct social interaction.

I was a bit of a "little professor" as a kid, but I don't think my special interests ever reached the intensity associated with AS. My interests have also been more genralized than I belive a diagnosis would imply.
I feel I've missed this much of the time. I can go into a research binge for a week or two on various topics, but I don't have The One Interest. I do draw, but I have an interest of similar strength in at least two other subjects. And a plethora of other interests. Some day I'm going to make a spider web showing all the things I'm in to and how they're connected.

I have never struggled with metaphores. In fact, I love figurative language. Even if I don't innitially understand a saying the process of parsing it's meaning is fun for me.
Some bona fide, deep into the spectrum autistics have fantastic language skills and some speak 12 languages. Granted, those tend to be the savants, but it's not implausible that some of the more garden variety would be good with language. I think I read somewhere that it's common for Aspies to love metaphors and use them often if they're one of those who understand them.

Sometimes my memory is uncanny, but is generally unreliable. Aspies are supposed to accel in recalling numbers and trivia pertaining to special interests. I am horrible for remembering numbers, and despite spending countless hours researching the history of anime, for example, the names of well known directors still elude me.
I'm a math nut. Damned if I know a quadratic equation from a differential equation. They're just meaningless words. Show me an equation or formula and I probably know what to do with it. Er, when I've had an opportunity to extensively practice it, anyway. My math gets very rusty very fast when I don't get to use it regularly.

When I raise the issue of asperger's with friends, family, and medical professionals they all react incredulously.
Pretty standard response, I hear. Apparently I'm the freak of the Aspies in that my family went right on along with it without a fuss.

 

[Suzanne]

I posted a thread here some time again, saying pretty much the same thing, that I feel a fraud! But after a lot of time on here and my own research, I have no doubt that I am an aspie and even, venture to tell others. Two know and accept me and especially when it comes to taking things literally.

Whether we are NT's or aspies, we all share similar traits, but it is the "how much more so" for an aspie. My husband is obsessed with eucalyptus trees, but he is not an aspie.

Being on the spectrum is all about where on the spectrum. The higher one is, the more pronounced the traits and the lower the percentage, the more "normal" one appears.

I know that some strangers on meeting me, think there is something off, because if there are two people in front of me, I cannot share the gaze and always end up just looking at one and constantly the image of table tennis comes into my mind!

Aspergers is not static and so , some days we are better than other days.

I have never doubted you are an aspie and in fact, it never crossed my mind and thus.....

I was told a while ago that I do not show aspie traits but something else and yet, that person does not know me.

Coming on aspie central has confirmed I have aspergers.

I have learned how to read emotions.

I still struggle with how to be a friend though ( still eludes me; like I have a glimpse of what it means, but not quite there in fully understanding and tend to think that if that makes a friend, then that person is not a friend! So have to be very careful.

Since both nts and aspies are welcome here, that means you are not a fraud lol

 

[clg114]

For about half a year now I have been obsessed with the notion that I might be on the autism specrum. Despite realizing quite quickly that my suspicions were likely eronious I can't seem to let go of the notion that I am an aspie.

I certainly have some aspie traits, but there are also traits which I lack. When I take tests some of them come up AS and others NT. Still, there are other cases where I could easily answer questions either way. I mean, do I have difficulty reading people's intentions? Are my gait, manerisms and vocal cadence "unusual?" I really don't know.

I have made the case elsewhere for why I think I may be AS (stimming, executive functioning difficulties, a history of steriotyped behaviors) but for every trait I can name I can probably think of a couterindication.

• Up until recently I had never experienced the characteristic sensory issues associated with AS, and that eppisode was triggered by medication.

• Though I was considered a loner through most of my school life I was never truly without friends. Even when I was a pariha at school I still had good friends who I would hang out with in my free time. Socializing can be exhausting for me, but spending too much time alone is maddening.

• People largely consider me a kind and empathic person, demonstrating I possess inate social skills with which aspies typically struggle. I am sometimes accuse of being rude (especially in the workplace) without understanding why, but general consensus has always been that I am a "nice" person.

• I was a bit of a "little professor" as a kid, but I don't think my special interests ever reached the intensity associated with AS. My interests have also been more genralized than I belive a diagnosis would imply .

• I have never struggled with metaphores. In fact, I love figurative language. Even if I don't innitially understand a saying the process of parsing it's meaning is fun for me.

• Sometimes my memory is uncanny, but is generally unreliable. Aspies are supposed to accel in recalling numbers and trivia pertaining to special interests. I am horrible for remembering numbers, and despite spending countless hours researching the history of anime, for example, the names of well known directors still elude me.
  
• When I raise the issue of asperger's with friends, family, and medical professionals they all react incredulously.

Perhaps I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. On one hand, I am having some very real issues and desperately want to put a name to them and find solutions. On the other hand, I feel foolish for continuing to persue this avenue. I wish I could abandon the notion that I have AS and move on, but the question lingers.

I suppose I have also become rather attached to this community. I feel I am among kindred spirits. But I also feel like I may be using up space that does not beling to me, that I am diluting this community and adding confusion as to what AS is.

I know the saying; "If you have met one aspie, you've met one aspie.", but how far can one stretch the deffinition before it loses all meaning? At what point do we say, "Sorry, guess again"?

I see this a another example of how we are all different. To tell the truth, I am a envious of your social skills. Perhaps some good counseling would help to set your mind at ease. But please know that you belong here and the forum would be worse off without you.

 

[Mia]

Though I was considered a loner through most of my school life I was never truly without friends. Even when I was a pariha at school I still had good friends who I would hang out with in my free time. Socializing can be exhausting for me, but spending too much time alone is maddening.

One of the things I've understood is that Aspie females do have friendships, I had many friends growing up, just as you have. After high school ends, these friendships wane, and thats exactly what transpired with me. No close friends after high school, but, social friendships or acquaintances at college and university.

People largely consider me a kind and empathic person, demonstrating I possess inate social skills with which aspies typically struggle. I am sometimes accuse of being rude (especially in the workplace) without understanding why, but general consensus has always been that I am a "nice" person.

I've been considered the same, empathic, 'enforced' socialized very early in my life. I learned the social skills out of necessity, but that doesn't mean they come naturally to me. Most people think of me as a 'kind' person. Females tend toward being socialized and integrated so early in their lives, that they rarely question it, it seems inherent.

Sometimes my memory is uncanny, but is generally unreliable. Aspies are supposed to accel in recalling numbers and trivia pertaining to special interests. I am horrible for remembering numbers, and despite spending countless hours researching the history of anime, for example, the names of well known directors still elude me.

My memory for certain details that I consider unimportant is terrible. Describing something to a friend consists of: 'Remember that movie with the guy from the south? You know, the guy with the nice teeth?' They look at me strangely, 'He had dark hair' I could draw his face from memory, yet can't remember his name, his character, the movie title. I'm pretty certain that I have dyscalcula, which often accounts for these memory conundrums. It may be that you do as well. My aspie spouse recalls strings of numbers from childhood, yet cannot recall where he left that piece of paper in his office. Memory is a funny thing, it's different for everyone, what we pay attention to, what's important to us. It manifests differently in everyone, and the stereotypical examples are an indication of Asperger's but not a rule, simply a guideline.

The idea that in order to have these Aspie traits, we must have certain stereotypical indications, does not mean that we are not Aspies. As I mentioned before, the indications in female aspies have not been studied all that well, what scientists have are 'typical' traits, median ones, they manifest differently in each person.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Feeling like a fraud is common for a lot of professional women--no matter how hard we work, it never feels like enough. Gotta run now, but there's more to unpack on this theme.

 

[psychotopsy]

I spoke about my strong suspicion of me being an aspie with a friend of mine who is not an aspie in any way. She said that she thinks its useful to think about it empathetically rather than symptomatically. What it means is that since the traits of aspies can sometimes overlap with neurotypical traits to some extent, it might not be useful to think of this only in terms of the traits but also to compare they way you feel with the way aspies describe their feelings. Specifically, we were talking about alienation. We were talking about alienation because I told her about how I felt like an "alien on a strange planet" before I learned about the autism spectrum and that it has explained everything I previously had thought made me a "broken person". She suggested I see if I can relate to the way aspies describe their feelings when being alienated by neurotypicals. She said that she has some friends who have the official diagnosis and that instead of being worried or nervous, there's a lot of confusion around alienation and that they don't really understand when or how or if they are being alienated.
I think it may be useful. Then again theres no uniform aspie experience because people are different but she might have been on to something. I can relate to the part about confusion but since she is against self-diagnosis(which I'm not against in any way so I disagree with her there), for example, and seemed a bit doubting/incredulous when I talked about my feelings(which is always very discouraging), I take everything she says on this topic with a grain of salt. It might be useful to take a look into her idea regardless.

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

I sometimes feel similarly.

Last year, my wife suggested that I may be on the scale. I agreed it was a possibility and took the tests and did some research. I hadn't taken it seriously until the tests rubbed my nose in it (I also use a lot of figurative language). I cried and had a lot of trouble getting around it. Now I mostly accept it, but I sometimes still feel like a "phony".

I have no insurance and can't get an official diagnosis.

Furthermore, I'm terrified that I wouldn't get one anyway, because the official diagnosis is mostly for deciding who will get government-funded help, which costs money, so they have to be a little strict with it, which is why the dianosis criteria became more strict in the recent edition of the DSM (I have no proof of this, but it makes sense to me).

I'm clearly not "normal", and my wife says I'm more on the scale than I think I am. My perception of myself is likely a side-effect from being raised as an eccentric/weird NT, instead of a mild(ish) Aspergers individual.

I wrestle with this constantly. You're not alone. I could say a lot more and list many more examples that might make you able to relate better, but I want to keep this post short and sweet so you can read and hopefully reply easily. If you do want to share experiences more deeply (a very un-Aspergerish thing to say, see what I mean?), feel free to PM me.

 

[Datura]

Once again, thank you everyone. I have been having a very tough time lately, both mentally and emotionally. Your support means so much to me.

Though it makes me nervous, I think I have decided to get an assessment. It makes me terribly nervous though. Whenever I raise the issue with professionals I always feel like a fool, but I need to put it to put the question to rest.

 

[Suzanne]

Once again, thank you everyone. I have been having a very tough time lately, both mentally and emotionally. Your support means so much to me.

Though it makes me nervous, I think I have decided to get an assessment. It makes me terribly nervous though. Whenever I raise the issue with professionals I always feel like a fool, but I need to put it to put the question to rest.

I feel EXACTLY as you do and when I took courage to seek, can't find. Oh, there are many therapist where I live ie in France but my French is not great and thus, I need someone who speaks English and they are too far away from me! Funny because rather than insurance issues, it is the language part for me!

I feel less a fraud than I used to, but it still blows my mind when you try to say something and get: Oh I suffer that! How utterly rude; or is it? Perhaps because they do not know what aspergers is ( which is the reason why it is so hard to tell people) they assume it is some dreadful disease and want to reassure me that well, don't worry I get that too! That thought just came to me.

It is clear when one has classic autism and no body would dream of saying: Oh I get that!

 

[Datura]

Where I live the issue is neither language nor money, but red tape. There is a chain of referral you must follow, and wait times can be quite long. But the beggest thing holding me back is my own self-doubt.

 

[nyxjord]

Honestly I was in the same exact place you are and that was why I got a formal dx-- because I have not been professionally trained to recognize such things and an well aware that I could be over playing some things and could be under playing others. So I had to get one to put my mind at rest. I do understand that many aren't able to get one for numerous reasons and respect that reality. So I relate to what you are saying and feel your struggle.

 

[Walsie]

I've felt that way many a time too, even though I was diagnosed with classic autism at 12 months. My sisters say it's invalid because that was last century, and too those aspie tests indicated I was neurotypical, but it doesn't discount the severe cognitive, mobility, social, and communication delays and persistant isolation of a hellish early childhood, where I had to be taught how to eat, for example, yet now I live alone in a foriegn country, have travelled alone to many others, and have some degree of social skills and undestanding of figurative lingo, am rubbish at maths, and have a rubbish long-term memory like you.

I see the spectrum as a trunk, with its manifestations branches, tributaries, and twigs, some with leaf or flower or both or neither, like Darwin's tree of evolution, forever changing, like truth wearing a thousand faces (Japanese saying).

Good luck wid geeting through the tangle of red tape (saying comes from the Vatican, by the way) in getting a diagnosis, and your work issues sorted out.