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How you make your NT partner feel loved

Dannarama

Dannarama

Active Member
Hey guys,
I'm new to the forums here. I've got something specific to ask, maybe your views will help me & others.
So, I'm a diagnosed aspie with an NT wife - a beautiful, passionate, strong and sexy lady who I've been fortunate enough to be married to for 11 years. Top that off with us having 4 children together! I'm a lucky guy ;)

Recently, she's confided in me that she doesn't "feel loved" by me when we're intimate..... She says she KNOWS that I love her by my loyalty to her, the way I put her first, devote myself to our family, etc, but in the bedroom she's saying she doesn't "feel" loved by me, and she puts this down to me being aspie. (And she might be right!)

Now I KNOW I love her and am loving our time being intimate together, but as an aspie (and just as a man tbh) I'm sure that my love language is going to be different to hers.
Phsyically, she seems very happy intimately.... we're both physically satisfied after sex, her especially she says, and she's into a few verbal kinks which I've made it my business to become a pro at ;) those things that are going well..... BUT, she says there's a mechanical-ness to it from me..... like I'm "reading a good script, but still reading it" and what I think she's summing up as feeling a lack of spontaneous (or real) passion from me.....

I'm looking to see if anyone has any advice in this area.... what I can do to help her "feel" that I love her? Keep in mind that this is specific to the bedroom.... she knows I love her in our relationship.
Have you had any similar experiences? Did anything help? Was there anything you learnt?

Cheers guys :D
 
Hello Dan and welcome to AC. You've made the right play by joining this community, it's been helping me out TONS and I've only been a member for slightly over 2 weeks. I started seeing a psychologist recently because I always knew I was different from everyone around me, and I should have started seeing one years sooner.

Everyone around me is either dating, engaged, married or has been in some kind of serious relationship in the past. People younger than me. I've never been in any sort of romantic relationship my entire life and I'm almost 30. I've never even gone on a date before. I know pretty much nothing about romance, I've just seen it on TV a bunch. Anyway, my father is thinking about introducing me to a woman soon because he doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life, so I told my psychologist about that.

He recommended a book to me about what an AS man should do when in a relationship with an NT woman. I've been reading it little by little since I'm a slow reader and have trouble focusing, plus I need to carefully go over the material and make sure it sticks in my mind, perhaps highlight the most important parts; it starts all the way in the "ask her out" phase and then dives deeper into the actual relationship but you've been married for 11 years already! That's really good, Dan. I always doubted that I would even last 11 days in a relationship, and never having been in one it's still a mystery to me - plus I do have very low self-esteem. Give the book a try, see if it helps you further in your marriage - it's called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships" by Maxine Aston.

My goal is to finish reading and re-reading it before I get introduced to the woman and see if I'm able to apply the material to real-life situations.
 
Sweet! Thanks my dude :D That book sounds epic!
I'll be sure to look it up, and hey, I know it's hard when you feel different and it makes you feel down on yourself, but if you've never tried, then you might surprise yourself and be a natural in that area ;)
Think of it like this - you speak Japanese (Aspie) and she speaks English (NT), but that doesn't mean you two can't be together if you both try to speak a bit of each other's languages xDD (men speak and woman speak in itself is a bit like Japanese / English).
Cheers again man.
 
We aspie males are very good at solving problems, though we follow the same path when things work. Mix it up.
 
Dannarama said:
Sweet! Thanks my dude :D That book sounds epic!
I'll be sure to look it up, and hey, I know it's hard when you feel different and it makes you feel down on yourself, but if you've never tried, then you might surprise yourself and be a natural in that area ;)
Think of it like this - you speak Japanese (Aspie) and she speaks English (NT), but that doesn't mean you two can't be together if you both try to speak a bit of each other's languages xDD (men speak and woman speak in itself is a bit like Japanese / English).
Cheers again man.
Click to expand...

You're very welcome Dan. Let us know if it helps!
 
Oh no this hit home. My husband is NT and said exactly that, whenever I attempt to express affection it is like I'm reading from a script.

He once asked me if I had studied "how to be emotional" on the internet and was simply attempting to apply what I had learned. The tragic thing was, I had. We often joke about upgrading my software with an emotion chip but I'm not entirely sure I would want one!

I'm sure it's an a aspie trait, but also sure it's physiological. After my 2nd child, I had a lot of hormones knocking around and spent 6 months experiencing intense emotion. I tell you, it was exhausting. And pointless, my decision making was flawed and I achieved very little, eventually plunging into post natal depression, so am glad to be back in the driver's seat.

So I will study the replies here because I haven't solved this problem AT ALL. The best I've done is studying his patterns of behavior and deriving a meaningful gift with a written message of affection. Again... Generated from the internet... :(
 
I have yet to see many NT's come up with something they didn't see in a movie :)

They want more emotion but if we did... we have a terrible feeling it wouldn't work, that we'd be "doing it wrong" somehow.

Face it, they spend years doing nothing but learning this stuff; from teenage girls gabbing endlessly to teenage boys boasting endlessly; it's all practice that bores us so much we don't do it. I think it only looks instinctive.

As an Aspie woman with an NT husband, I just relax. Not all my gestures of affection are taken as I intended, and vice versa. I just keep them coming.
 
Bella Pines said:
Oh no this hit home. My husband is NT and said exactly that, whenever I attempt to express affection it is like I'm reading from a script.

He once asked me if I had studied "how to be emotional" on the internet and was simply attempting to apply what I had learned. The tragic thing was, I had. We often joke about upgrading my software with an emotion chip but I'm not entirely sure I would want one!
Click to expand...

My experience as well. Having to grapple with NT partners who expect expressions of affections in a rather specific- and consistent manner. Emotional consistency at "the right time and the right place". Something well, I'm not particularly good at, running "hot and cold" and not in sync with my female NT partners. But none of them ever joked about it that I can recall. Eventually they'd just leave me.

Of course at the time neither they or myself had any notion of being on the spectrum. That didn't happen until about 15 years later. Long after I more or less gave up on relationships altogether.
 
Dannarama said:
Hey guys,
I'm new to the forums here. I've got something specific to ask, maybe your views will help me & others.
So, I'm a diagnosed aspie with an NT wife - a beautiful, passionate, strong and sexy lady who I've been fortunate enough to be married to for 11 years. Top that off with us having 4 children together! I'm a lucky guy ;)

Recently, she's confided in me that she doesn't "feel loved" by me when we're intimate..... She says she KNOWS that I love her by my loyalty to her, the way I put her first, devote myself to our family, etc, but in the bedroom she's saying she doesn't "feel" loved by me, and she puts this down to me being aspie. (And she might be right!)

Now I KNOW I love her and am loving our time being intimate together, but as an aspie (and just as a man tbh) I'm sure that my love language is going to be different to hers.
Phsyically, she seems very happy intimately.... we're both physically satisfied after sex, her especially she says, and she's into a few verbal kinks which I've made it my business to become a pro at ;) those things that are going well..... BUT, she says there's a mechanical-ness to it from me..... like I'm "reading a good script, but still reading it" and what I think she's summing up as feeling a lack of spontaneous (or real) passion from me.....

I'm looking to see if anyone has any advice in this area.... what I can do to help her "feel" that I love her? Keep in mind that this is specific to the bedroom.... she knows I love her in our relationship.
Have you had any similar experiences? Did anything help? Was there anything you learnt?

Cheers guys :D
Click to expand...

I am married to a NT lady and we have 5 kids, 11 grandkids and 2 great grand kids. We both learned to deal with our differences and always put each others needs first. In short, we treat each other like we love each other. This has worked well for us.

It sounds like you are doing the same, so be careful of changes. The most important thing is communication. You both should know about each others needs at all times. Put her needs first and take care of them. Good luck!
 
Your wife could be a fabulous person as you said, and I do not know her to say otherwise, but it sounds like she is basically saying to you, "I need for you to act totally relaxed and free in the bedroom even if that is not you, or else it feels like you do not love me."

Yes, I understand about give and take, and compromise in a relationship. But, there is a difference between telling NTs to change up things romantically, versus telling one with AS or other condition, to fake something or do something that they maybe cannot physically or mentally do or feel.

That could be seen as disrespectful to resort to such pressure, if she knew that person with the condition could not act, think and feel that way, or do that desired thing because of their condition after trying through reasonable attempts to do those things. Then if she persisted, I would argue she is putting her needs before you, as she is not accepting that is a part of you that cannot be changed.

It would seem to me then anxiety and stress could mount in you, and the physical sex enjoyment for both you and her eventually disappear, if you felt repetitively analyzed and criticized over this issue, and if each time she felt you did not act relaxed and more spontaneous, and suggesting you need to do better.

There needs to come a point in time sooner than later if you cannot make her happy in her needed ways, that she drops the issue and accepts you cannot be like that. The more she pushes, the more fake it could appear, and more it will not appear. You heard her, so if you cannot make it happen with reasonable attempts, do not fret over it. How you are in the bedroom is you. And that uniqueness should be loved, too.

Let's say you had no hands, or could not physically talk, would she demand you put artificial hands on for foreplay, and talk dirty through electronic device to please her sexually? Would that not look like she did not love you with that condition instead? It would look to me then she was trying to make you sexually like an NT. It is one thing if you kept ignoring her throughout the day, kept leaving her and staying away, or getting angry at her for no reasons or kept criticizing her.

She knew you were an Aspie likely when you married her.
It is not as if you both are not physically satisfied in the bedroom, as you said. Heck, probably only a small percentage of NT couples do it regularly and to total fulfillment. By that theory, you are doing better, as you both are sexually physically fulfilled. She wants more. If you can give that more like through repeated detailed visualizations of you being totally free and relaxed, and enjoying it, and doing it like some sex star, then acting that same part, then great! Otherwise, I hope she accepts it. As that is you!

You are showing your love in all those other ways, and you are trying your best in the romance way. That is what should be appreciated and respected. That is what shows your love for her. If she cannot see that, maybe she is the lucky one and not you.
 
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Well, no one is perfect 100% of the time. I hope you can work things out in the bedroom together. (or anywhere else you might like to do it) ;)
 
Dadwith2Autisticsons said:
Your wife could be a fabulous person as you said, and I do not know her to say otherwise, but it sounds like she is basically saying to you, "I need for you to act totally relaxed and free in the bedroom even if that is not you, or else it feels like you do not love me."

Yes, I understand about give and take, and compromise in a relationship. But, there is a difference between telling NTs to change up things romantically, versus telling one with AS or other condition, to fake something or do something that they maybe cannot physically or mentally do or feel.

That could be seen as disrespectful to resort to such pressure, if she knew that person with the condition could not act, think and feel that way, or do that desired thing because of their condition after trying through reasonable attempts to do those things. Then if she persisted, I would argue she is putting her needs before you, as she is not accepting that is a part of you that cannot be changed.

It would seem to me then anxiety and stress could mount in you, and the physical sex enjoyment for both you and her eventually disappear, if you felt repetitively analyzed and criticized over this issue, and if each time she felt you did not act relaxed and more spontaneous, and suggesting you need to do better.

There needs to come a point in time sooner than later if you cannot make her happy in her needed ways, that she drops the issue and accepts you cannot be like that. The more she pushes, the more fake it could appear, and more it will not appear. You heard her, so if you cannot make it happen with reasonable attempts, do not fret over it. How you are in the bedroom is you. And that uniqueness should be loved, too.

Let's say you had no hands, or could not physically talk, would she demand you put artificial hands on for foreplay, and talk dirty through electronic device to please her sexually? Would that not look like she did not love you with that condition instead? It would look to me then she was trying to make you sexually like an NT. It is one thing if you kept ignoring her throughout the day, kept leaving her and staying away, or getting angry at her for no reasons or kept criticizing her.

She knew you were an Aspie likely when you married her.
It is not as if you both are not physically satisfied in the bedroom, as you said. Heck, probably only a small percentage of NT couples do it regularly and to total fulfillment. By that theory, you are doing better, as you both are sexually physically fulfilled. She want more. If you can give that more like through repeated detailed visualizations of you being totally free and relaxed, and enjoying it, and doing it like some sex star, then acting that same part, then great! Otherwise, I hope she accepts it. As that is you!

You are showing your love in all those other ways, and you are trying your best in the romance way. That is what should be appreciated and respected. That is what shows your love for her. If she cannot see that, maybe she is the lucky one and not you.
Click to expand...
Fake hands and a dirty-talking device! Lol
 
I am NT my partner Aspie... we are very suited physically and it works well... I understand the 'mechanical' method to your intimate time... it seems to me that he does lack the spontaneity of intuitive affection/love..... I have to tell him 'I love it when you put a 'x' on your texts..' so he'll do it...
I tell him...' I need to know plans in advance, not 10 mins before it happens...'. He told me this weekend he has to head off Sunday eve, to meet a family friend....
I really appreciate that he's remembered that I need to know the plan ( not just the plan going on in his head...) I tell him this... I think it's all made a huge positive impact on our relationship...and shows me that he's trying and making an effort, no matter how small it may appear, for a man who is in his mid 50's ... lived on his own all his life.... and included no one in his decision making...who only had long distance relationships.... it's a big step .... and I let him know, that I'm aware exactly how big a 'shift' it is for him...
 
Thanks guys, this is some great perspective from a few different angles.
I think it's a matter of..... I've managed to learn and push past a lot of challenges in relationships and sex in an accommodating way.... and had a lot of fun myself along the way ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )
So I'm probably just seeing this as another challenge that I can overcome, rather than accepting my own "limitations".... I mean, I wouldn't be trying so hard if I was just like "yup, that's just me", lol.
 
I can be affectionate and cuddly in a relationship but my Husband who is NT does say he has to initiate sex with me all the time,I'm more reserved when it comes to stuff in the bedroom (i think it also was excellarated due to past bad experiences that I would rather not go into too much detail) but when I first met my husband I didn't know I was on the Spectrum at the time but my husband has said to me he always knew I was before I did and he didn't say anything until I found out myself.
 
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