How To Proceed With My Aspie?

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I started dating an Aspie a few months ago (I am not) and things started out slowly but we had a lot in common. After a few dates (we had already begun sleeping together, and it was very good), he told me he didn't want a serious relationship for a number of reasons (work, he wasn't good in relationships), but still wanted to remain friends. I got worked up over this, but we ended up getting closer than ever. We have still slept together just a couple times, but he ends up pulling back when we do. The thing is, we converse from the second we wake up to the moment we go to bed (mostly through text, but also through email and phone), share everything with each other, often sleep in bed together, and he's very affectionate with me. We've gotten into one big fight where he said something that seriously hurt my feelings and I was very upset and said I wasn't sure if we could continue on and he was crying so hard. We have discussed the relationship thing two or three times and his stance on it has not changed: He believes I am too sensitive for him to be in a relationship with because he would say things that hurt my feelings or I would not understand and therefore "we would end up driving each other crazy and I would eventually want to kill" him. But I am so confused because I feel like I am in a relationship at this point. We are so close, closer than I've been with many men I have been dating.

What should I do, how should I proceed?

 

[Aspie_rin]

Did you tell him that you already feel like it's a relationship? Also, you could practice giving him the benefit of the doubt when he seems rude to you, and tell him that you're willing to learn as much as possible about aspergers to understand him better.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I definitely always try to give him the benefit of the doubt. There was only that one occasion where I just really feel like I could not, it was beyond it (when we both got really upset). I've told him on I'd say 2-3 times it feels like a relationship. I tell him often I really care about him (I think last time we drank together I was very gushy about how I felt). He tells me too "of course I have feelings for you." It just makes it all the more confusing. I often tell him: "I like you just the way you are" (his ex girlfriend often commented on different things she didn't like about him). That's true too. I do like him just the way he is.

 

[Judge]

We have discussed the relationship thing two or three times and his stance on it has not changed: He believes I am too sensitive for him to be in a relationship with because he would say things that hurt my feelings or I would not understand and therefore "we would end up driving each other crazy and I would eventually want to kill" him.

What should I do, how should I proceed?

That's an interesting manifestation of self-awareness on his part. For him to have such a keen understanding of how he sees himself in relating to others, I'm afraid it leaves any potential NT partner with little recourse.

This might even have been me had I been so self-aware of my own autism when forging relationships with NT females. Yes, we can be terribly confusing to NTs in relationships. Perhaps even to a point of contradictions. But it doesn't change who and what we are, either.

You want more from him than he's willing to give. The only question is whether you are willing to mitigate your desires, or he is wiling to expand on his. Things might change with time if you can tolerate the present circumstances.

Or never.

I see no clear, obvious path of emotional bliss for either of you unless one or both of you are able to change. And believe me, there's no guarantee that he's even capable of doing as such. Leaving you to pull more weight in this equation.

If anything, you have to search your own soul. Do you truly care for him as he is? Or do you really pine for the person he isn't, and may never be able to become ?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Thank you for your deep and well-thought out response. I do think he's very self-aware. He wasn't aware of his autism to much later on in life so maybe that has something to do with it. I am willing to take things very slow, extremely slow, but I just don't want this push and pull. That's what hurts.

If I KNEW they COULD change in time, I'd be more than happy to keep going in these murky waters.

There is nothing he could tell me that could deter me from how I feel. No one is without their faults. His strengths (his kindness, intelligence and honesty) outweigh everything else. I do truly care about him. I know this. And I know he cares about me. But if this is going to be a state of limbo forever, I just don't know what to do, how to proceed....

 

[Judge]

Thank you for your deep and well-thought out response. I do think he's very self-aware. He wasn't aware of his autism to much later on in life so maybe that has something to do with it. I am willing to take things very slow, extremely slow, but I just don't want this push and pull. That's what hurts.

If I KNEW they COULD change in time, I'd be more than happy to keep going in these murky waters.

There is nothing he could tell me that could deter me from how I feel. No one is without their faults. His strengths (his kindness, intelligence and honesty) outweigh everything else. I do truly care about him. I know this. And I know he cares about me. But if this is going to be a state of limbo forever, I just don't know what to do, how to proceed....

Perhaps there's your "baseline". The worse-case scenario. That "forever state of limbo". Could you tolerate that, or would you eventually bolt from the relationship?

It's like a long-term investment with great risk. The possibility that for all your effort, it may not pay off. Where you must determine the risk versus reward. Or could you find less risk elsewhere ?

I suspect there are many who would reject the notion of "risk versus reward"
entirely when relative to matters of the heart. Yet from our perspective relationships are inherently arduous to begin with.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

He's been in relationships in the past and he says he's more cautious in getting into them because they weren't with the right people. I feel like he's made this decision that because he feels I'm "sensitive" that I fall into that category, but it was an early onset decision and now he refuses to change his mind. In reality, we are perfectly compatible. Everything about us works. I don't want to walk away, but I don't know if I can live on the back burner like this either. I just don't know how to proceed with him.

 

[Judge]

Everything about us works.

Only for you. For him this doesn't appear to be the case, in reading your own words.

I just don't know how to proceed with him.

There may be nothing more for you to do. And considering his words and analysis of it all, there may be nothing he plans to do beyond the possibility of an occasional "friend with benefits". Something clearly not for you.

Be careful. I think the prognosis for a meaningful relationship seems rather poor. It's just my opinion, however his thought process seems a lot like my own when faced with similar situations in certain relationships.

A process some thirty years later I look back upon with much regret. Though I honestly don't know that self-awareness in my own case would have evoked a different outcome.

 

[muffi86]

I'm thinking that it's not just aspie..
...he's just being human.

If he's been hurt before or left feeling bad after a relationship, then it just takes a lot to trust again.

Scared of letting go and just dive in...

When I get like this, I unconsciously test people to see if they stay or in other ways will hurt me.. even with people who are just friends.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

We don't do the benefits thing that often anymore as I think he's worried it'll hurt me in the long run. We do do the sleeping in bed together, lots of cuddling, and occasional kissing (hello/goodbye/sitting together), when we forget that we're... well, that we're not in a relationship.

I want to be careful but this is so hard.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Muffi, if it's just that, I can handle that. I can wait it out. I can stay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just worried I'm hanging in there for nothing. You know?

 

[muffi86]

Muffi, if it's just that, I can handle that. I can wait it out. I can stay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just worried I'm hanging in there for nothing. You know?

Ask if that's it.. and even if he says no, still tell him if it is you can handle that.

Also ask direct what his feelings towards you are. What he feels about you without all the other "crap"..
If he likes you in a girlfriend way - then you two will find away through the "crap" that holds him back.
If he doesn't - then you know...

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Muffi he tells me he does have those feelings for me. (thats not surprising to me as he does treat me like a girlfriend most of the time, our lives are consumed with one another). But he says we can't be in a relationship for the reasons I mentioned. When I ask if he ever thinks that could change, he says of course it could, but he doesn't see that changing immediately...

 

[muffi86]

I'd ask about first thing I wrote then..

 

[Aspie_rin]

I got the feeling that he will change his mind soon. After all, you're already doing everything a couple does, so it's possible that someday he will be comfortable with calling you his girlfriend. It seems like it's just a case of wanting to take it slowly IMO.

By the way, from what I understand, you already are pretty much like a couple, so what would be so different once he decides to call it a relationship?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

We don't sleep together anymore. I know he's not dating other girls (he's made that clear), but there's still that possibility he could go out to a bar and kiss (or more) another girl. There's the little things, like holidays, which while we text all day long and wish each other happy holidays, I would have loved to spend new year's eve with him. valentine's day. spend more nights together. a a couple months ago we were talking about taking trips together, but then we had another discussion about him not wanting a relationship so i haven't brought it up since. it's just i would love to feel like we are moving forward, no matter how slowly, and really, i just am happier when i'm with him then when i'm not. i really care about him.

 

[Aspie_rin]

I guess you can stay until you get tired of it. You seem to be happy for now, and while I don't know the situation in detail I'm pretty sure it will evolve over time. It really seems like he wants to be careful and take his time, but it's likely this will turn out ok.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Do you (or does anyone) have any advice on the best way to handle this? give him more space than i am? let him lead entirely, etc?

 

[Judge]

Do you (or does anyone) have any advice on the best way to handle this? give him more space than i am? let him lead entirely, etc?

Giving an Aspie more occasional solitude in a mixed relationship is always a positive move, IMO. Something all my relationships with NT women lacked, to our detriment.

 

[Ylva]

I agree with muffi. It is probably more about what he associates with relationships than a function of his AS.

It would be informed by his AS, though, and we do tend to have unusually strong associations (see: food issues, clothes issues, etc.).

So maybe you can give him some new associations or something along those lines. Not necessarily watching Disney movies, or for that matter romcoms. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I could give you a thirty minute aspie talk on. Honestly, I have never been in a romantic relationship (at least not an official one), so I can only tell you how to potentially change associations. It's easy if he wants it.

Good luck.