How To Deal With NT's

[Robby]

How do some of you deal with nt's? I've come to the realization that while my autism has major limitations on me, there are huge blessings too. First off I am VERY very intuitive while I don't always think well on my feet or am able to put my thoughts into words or handle situations on the fly very well, I can read people fairly well & am usually right when it comes to my intuitions about people. I also have a sixth sense and have since I can remember, & this has saved me from getting into any trouble most of my life. I'm also pretty creative and artistic. But nt's are difficult, sometimes I just don't know how to deal with them, it's like they're on another planet or something, always being so bubbly and talky and chatty, that gets on my nerves a lot. And sometimes either because of my triggers (photophobia & bright lights) or loud noises or just too many people in one place I'll shut down and just not want to deal with anyone. And the nt's think I'm being weird or rude but I just want to be alone with my thoughts to recharge. I just cannot be around people for too long regardless of who it is or I'll just feel overloaded. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not cut out for the tongue-clucking, clock-punching, fake nt world I see around me. I just think nt's while they can be so outgoing and bubbly can also be very fake and worst of all can be totally unaware of someone with autism or how to treat them. Nothing makes me feel worse than a nt thinking that just because I'm stressed or something and not talking it's because of them personally and they try and be all fake and patronizing & act like I'm some kind of freak. I still am learning day by day how to cope in a nt world and it's really scary and confusing.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, you really articulated that very well. I think many of us can relate. Taking time out for yourself to recharge when overloaded, as you currently do, makes good sense. Your intuition serves you well, it sounds like. It's a special and useful sensitivity to have!

It hurts us when we are discredited because of our behavior. However..... <Putting on my flame-retardant suit>.....
NTs are not supposed to know how it is for us, just as we are not supposed to know how it is for the blind, the deaf, etc. NTs will make their best guess (that we are cold, fussy, snobby, etc.) until we bravely, and compassionately, provide them with some explanation to build bridges of understanding. As much as we wish (and need) to be understood, we cannot invest too much in people's understanding of our ASD, as we cannot be dependent on external validation.

The best one can do is manage socializing so that we can exit if we get overwhelmed. Those we trust with our diagnosis, hopefully, will be understanding. As far as a tendency toward social goof-ups and conversational faux pas, since it's a part of our neurology, doing our best with a good heart has to count for something. I can't worry about my frequent mis-steps too much. I gotta be me. Work the quirk!

 

[Julia 27]

How do some of you deal with nt's? I've come to the realization that while my autism has major limitations on me, there are huge blessings too. First off I am VERY very intuitive while I don't always think well on my feet or am able to put my thoughts into words or handle situations on the fly very well, I can read people fairly well & am usually right when it comes to my intuitions about people. I also have a sixth sense and have since I can remember, & this has saved me from getting into any trouble most of my life. I'm also pretty creative and artistic. But nt's are difficult, sometimes I just don't know how to deal with them, it's like they're on another planet or something, always being so bubbly and talky and chatty, that gets on my nerves a lot. And sometimes either because of my triggers (photophobia & bright lights) or loud noises or just too many people in one place I'll shut down and just not want to deal with anyone. And the nt's think I'm being weird or rude but I just want to be alone with my thoughts to recharge. I just cannot be around people for too long regardless of who it is or I'll just feel overloaded. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not cut out for the tongue-clucking, clock-punching, fake nt world I see around me. I just think nt's while they can be so outgoing and bubbly can also be very fake and worst of all can be totally unaware of someone with autism or how to treat them. Nothing makes me feel worse than a nt thinking that just because I'm stressed or something and not talking it's because of them personally and they try and be all fake and patronizing & act like I'm some kind of freak. I still am learning day by day how to cope in a nt world and it's really scary and confusing.

This site blows me away
You have just said what I feel and I thought whilst my way is the way to go everyone else is not like me. Now I don't feel so different.
I can"t express myself well on the spot but if I can write it down in words a lot better. Yes all that bubbly froth and chatter its just noise a lot of the time. Why are people so uncomfortable with silence or if you haven't got anything nice to say you can just be quiet! Thanks

 

[SkyBlue]

I don't cope or deal with it. I just don't. I'm not going to act fake and I'm not going to be someone other than myself to make myself more.. what's the word, appealing? acceptable? to others.. my true friends accept me as I am and they respect what makes me different and don't think less of me. The ones who want to change me or think there's something wrong with me I typically just distance myself from. It's easier than explaining it, really, but it closes doors. :/

 

[Suzanne]

I so agree with you, Robby!

I am also very much like you in that I am very intuitive but for all the pride of being an aspie ( for I am proud, because there are many things that are worth being proud about), there are a few things, that cause me to not cope at all well with being who I am.

I thought I understood the nt world really well, but now beginning to realise that actually, I have never understood them, but just rode along, because I felt there were no choices and so, just coped with feeling an idiot etc when I flounder terribly!

Unlike most apsies however, I am not good with silences and so, would rather not stupid talk, just so that the silence is not too loud!

One thing I sincerely wish for is not to care about what other people thought of me, but sadly, it is very much the opposite and easily feel crushed when I feel mocked or something.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have trouble with the narrow-minded ones. I don't mean it in a political or religious way, I mean it in the sense that they get so caught up in the details they can't see the bigger picture. (Even though that can also apply to religion and politics.) I know, big statement coming from somebody on the spectrum, but it's true! Take one of my old hygienists, for example. At the time, I was eating once a day and brushing my teeth within an hour. But because I was eating after the sun had set, she was absolutely convinced that was a worse eating routine than her's because she ate when the sun was up. I actually had potential of having a better routine because she would wait several hours after eating, which is the bigger picture she was missing.

 

[Guendolen]

it's like they're on another planet or something, always being so bubbly and talky and chatty, that gets on my nerves a lot.

I was feeling the exact same today. I am in a team with NT's in vet school and they make me suffer so much more than the actual hardship of sleep deprivation, huge demands on studying and extreme climate conditions when we visit animals in the fields. The vet bus leaves at 7 in the morning and they start talking and NEVER stop. How can someone keep talking and talking and talking? Especially the girls and their topics. I tried to participate yesterday. They asked me ''who wore it better'' and showed my a picture at their laptop screen. Two women in the same dress. I said i don't understand the question. They were shocked. Then i asked who are those women. They were even more shocked. How can i not know celebrities. Then the professor brought a bad with dead featuses which caught my attention.
So how do i deal with it? I remind myself the reason i am in this school: because animals are one of my special interests. I do it for them and for me. Not for the NT's.
Oh and in the really hard days?
Headphones and patience. TONS of patience.
Hang on there. We are in the same boat and you are not alone in this.

 

[Harrison]

My advice, for what it's worth, is don't fret over how to deal with folk, learn to deal with how they make you feel.

My advancing years have taught me that I am not going to change how people behave, they are what they are, but the thing I can change is how I react to them and their situations. As a result I engaged in aquiring skills to regulate my own behaviour, things like TaiChi for inner control, acupuncture to keep my body in it's optimal state, NLP to restructure my viewpoints and psychoprofiling to better see the aspects I know I would miss. (other forms of self help are available. Please see your provider for details )

We are all explorers in a strange world, NT and ND alike, our aspie nature simply flavours how we function but it is less a yoke around our neck if we take responsibility for ourselves.

 

[Sully]

They asked me ''who wore it better'' and showed my a picture at their laptop screen. Two women in the same dress. I said i don't understand the question. They were shocked. Then i asked who are those women. They were even more shocked. How can i not know celebrities.

That is an odd question. I suppose if one of the women put the dress on backwards and the other put her legs through the arm holes then the one wearing it backwards wore it better since that would be closer to how it was intended to be worn. But, if they both donned it as it was designed then I don't see the point of the question. I think what they meant was "who looks better in the dress?"

 

[Judge]

They asked me ''who wore it better'' and showed my a picture at their laptop screen. Two women in the same dress. I said i don't understand the question. They were shocked.

Unless the question was previous prefaced with a particular point of view and discussion, I wouldn't know how to answer it either.

My first comment would be, "Relative to what?"

Is "wearing something better" relative to physique and overall beauty or a certain attitude ? LOL..never gave such a thing a thought before. Carry on...

 

[flikflak]

To the OP

I have a story which may help. I am an annoyingly chatty NT ; )

20 years ago I met my funny, intelligent aspie friend Nick.

Nick would say he was coming to events and then not show up, or turn up and leave halfway through without saying goodbye.

To begin with I assumed that he was being rude but it became obvious over time that he was distressed when leaving.

This was a concern so I asked what was going on. He explained how overwhelming he found certain locations and situations.

This was very useful as we were then able to compromise and schedule get togethers in a way that works for both of us, perhaps at one of our houses or a quiet pub.

Fast forward many years and we are very good friends. I understand that he needs time to himself and hobbies, quiet spaces etc; and he understands that even though it seems irrational there are certain friendship behaviours that NTs need.

The foundation of this friendship is that we opened up to one another and had a calm adult conversation about what we both need and want from a friendship. In reality that process wasn't easy - it was awkward, took place over multiple conversations and happened at a time when Aspergers was less well known and less commonly diagnosed.

If there are NTs that you are friends with or co-workers you respect, perhaps it's worth taking them to one side and explaining? They may be open to organising events differently and may respect that fact that you enjoy your social life in a different way.

Good luck!

Oh and for Guendolen - lots of female NTs find all that celeb dress stuff tedious. Shame you had to deal with that - headphones all the way!

 

[Chris34]

It's really hard to deal with an NT. This is all considering that "deal with" means "how to treat people". It all comes to the fact that as an aspie, it is quite difficult to understand how the NT mind functions. Some of the people I've encountered seemed to be annoyed or uncomfortable when the conversation led to a long silence (for me that's not bad, not even something worth noticing), or when I wasn't able to understand their excitement about a party or gathering.
How do you think your life would be if you lived in a place where everyone was an aspie? It would be awesome!
I've had really bad experiences with NT's, from losing potential friends to insults and beatings in my school years ( I was that guy who got bullied since he was a child but never said anything because he knew that would only make it worse).
There is something Harrison54 said that's true, people are people and you can't change them. You can change how they make you feel though.
If someone laughs at you, just understand that that's not a person worth of your time and attention.
If someone insults or hits you, know that that person can't see anything beyond violence.
If someone doesn't understand who you are, learn that you don't need to explain everyone how awesome you are for being an aspie
Live your life, enjoy every day and try to be the best person you can.

 

[Progster]

I've always avoided the chatty bubbly types and prefer the type who is going to sit down an have a serious conversation. I also avoid hanging out in places that I know are going to be crowded, noisy and smokey - I have a blacklist of venues I don't go to. I also much prefer doing activities with people rather than just sitting round talking - that gets extremely boring for me and never works for me - I get bored and tired, I switch off and go home. I remember once being really proud of myself because I managed to sit and have a conversation for about half an hour with 3 other people, actually following and joining in, but that doesn't happen so often. I prefer people to come to my house rather than be invited to other people's houses, because then I at least have control over the environmnent. I don't like going to people's houses.

 

[Warmheart]

Know that "female chameleon aspie" Dr. Attwood mentions? I'm really pretty crummy at that. But, I do have a cover-my-hiney, automagic social script of: "Uh-huh..... uh-huh.....oh!.....Uh-huh...." etc. I have no idea what this means to people, but it's gotten me by without having to try to decode what they said, and struggle to formulate a response.

I know the person is speaking and saying something, but since my auditory processing & speaking isn't the best, I just concentrate on sensing the vibes coming from the person. "Uh-huh.....-uh-huh....oh!.......Uh-huh...." ..... just sensing the vibes. Sometimes, it's all I've got.

What they say has meaning, the person him/herself has value and worth to me. I try to honor the person with my attention, and pull in anything I can that they are sending. I listen hard, but this script comes out when my processing flub-ups overwhelm.