How do you grieve?

[Ferdinand94]

What's your reaction when you lose a pet, a relative or a friend, and how do you act/feel during the days following the unfortunate event?

 

[Sarek]

Typically for me it doesn't really register. For a while. And then when it does I have a complete break down for anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks.

 

[Etzelaire]

I give it some thought, a quick review of the time spent together and that's all. I don't grieve because I can just see death pragmatically not like some sort of catastrophe.

 

[The Penguin]

I was never deeply effected when family members passed away. My dog passed away during my childhood did effect me but it was only for a brief period of time.

 

[DogwoodTree]

With only one exception...

Normally I'm hardly at all affected emotionally for a very long time, other than the inconvenience and disruption of having to deal with it. I process it more cognitively for a while (how does this affect my plans? how will it affect the routines of the people around me?).

Eventually, the human side of it starts to filter into my consciousness, and I process the emotional pain a little at a time. For example, when I was in grad school, one of my professors passed away suddenly during childbirth. She wasn't much older than I was, and it hit my classmates very, very hard. I was concerned for her and her family, and even went to the funeral. But it didn't really hit me how horrible of a tragedy that was until I got pregnant with my first baby a couple of years later. And even then, it's taken another decade to process the emotional aspect of that loss...just identifying with how difficult it must have been for her husband and their older child, acknowledging how tragic of a loss it was, and what a terrible impact it must've had on her family and friends, even still today.

The one exception in my life so far was when I lost a baby to miscarriage a few years ago. That was up close and personal unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It hit me hard and fast as soon as it happened, and took me months before I was reasonably functional again.

I always felt so guilty that I didn't identify emotionally with people going through that stuff. I wanted to! But it was like my emotional self became completely separated from reality during those times, and even inaccessible to me. I couldn't figure out why, and didn't know how to talk about it. Now that I've figured out, though, what AS is and how it affects me...it makes a lot more sense. This is another area where the AS dx is such a relief...to not feel so guilty and selfish over these disconnects. To somewhat understand why they happen.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Unless it's a grief exclusive to me, I wait my turn. In example, when a relative miscarried, I suppressed and ignored my grief for a few weeks so I could support the relatives I had contact with who can't just switch off their emotions as easily. When the bulk of their grieving was done, then I let mine surface and run its course, and of course what few I let know I was grieving were able to offer support as they knew was best for me.

If it's something that'll bother mostly me and not anybody else, I'll bawl my eyes out whenever I find a good private place. It nearly killed me to kill my 17-year-old cat, but it was better to have him put down then suffer a slow death to a horrendous ear infection that was killing him that I couldn't have afforded to cured. Aw hell, I cried all the way to and from the vet, and some while I was there. It still bothers me. My other cat who died a year later who was 18 didn't bother me as bad since plain ol' old age got her even though I was closer to her. I didn't have to kill her. =(

 

[alien girl]

What's your reaction when you lose a pet, a relative or a friend, and how do you act/feel during the days following the unfortunate event?

i lost my cat. left her at the vet to have her teeth cleaned, and then he calls and says she's got kidney disease and enlarged heart and is dying. i felt nothing at all. went there to pick her up. when i saw the clinic, i cried for so long and couldnt stop.

i cried every day for months, sometimes several times a day. i'd walk dwon the street feeling ok and everything's great, and then it would hit all of a sudden. once i went to the grocery store and stopped in the middle of the street, not knowing where i was going. i'd walk into a room and forget why i did.

i couldnt eat enough or sleep well and lost a lot of weight. dreamt about her for years afterward. it was a time wrapped in a fog for me.

aspies grieve deeper and longer than nts.

 

[Kaylee]

to be honest my emotional reaction (or lack there of) always kinda scared me. not to say i think its a bad quality to have but not one that i personally want. i never had emotional reactions from death, cats, rabbits, birds, rats. i have had all these pets and while they died and i felt sad i never felt the reaction was big, when my church pastor died young (last year) i was sad or maybe it felt like i was supposed to be but any actual emotional reaction was only the product of the thought, wow i will never see them again. that kinda sucks.

i dont think this is inheritly a bad quality just maybe its hard to accept its a quality i may not want for myself but its one i do have. i dont think this quality means someone doesnt care, maybe we dont have reactions because we care so much some times (many aspies and myself were very emotional as a child and cried a ton and threw tantrums)

 

[alien girl]

to be honest my emotional reaction (or lack there of) always kinda scared me. not to say i think its a bad quality to have but not one that i personally want. i never had emotional reactions from death, cats, rabbits, birds, rats. i have had all these pets and while they died and i felt sad i never felt the reaction was big, when my church pastor died young (last year) i was sad or maybe it felt like i was supposed to be but any actual emotional reaction was only the product of the thought, wow i will never see them again. that kinda sucks.

i dont think this is inheritly a bad quality just maybe its hard to accept its a quality i may not want for myself but its one i do have. i dont think this quality means someone doesnt care, maybe we dont have reactions because we care so much some times (many aspies and myself were very emotional as a child and cried a ton and threw tantrums)

aspies are usually emotional

 

[alien girl]

Unless it's a grief exclusive to me, I wait my turn. In example, when a relative miscarried, I suppressed and ignored my grief for a few weeks so I could support the relatives I had contact with who can't just switch off their emotions as easily. When the bulk of their grieving was done, then I let mine surface and run its course, and of course what few I let know I was grieving were able to offer support as they knew was best for me.

If it's something that'll bother mostly me and not anybody else, I'll bawl my eyes out whenever I find a good private place. It nearly killed me to kill my 17-year-old cat, but it was better to have him put down then suffer a slow death to a horrendous ear infection that was killing him that I couldn't have afforded to cured. Aw hell, I cried all the way to and from the vet, and some while I was there. It still bothers me. My other cat who died a year later who was 18 didn't bother me as bad since plain ol' old age got her even though I was closer to her. I didn't have to kill her. =(

it's called putting to sleep or mercy killing. you make it sound as if you killed him out of malice, when you really just did what's best for him. being so old as 17, he wouldnt have lived much longer, and you didnt want him to suffer.

 

[Pondering]

Often times, with any reason to grieve, I sink into depression that lasts anywhere from a week to a month's time, seek enormous amounts of solitude, and cry heavily. It is quite painful but in the end helps me.

 

[apsie]

I wallow in memory.
Every detail about who I've lost is stored.
I don't necessarily feel sad, but I remember.

 

[OddmanJive]

I tend to grieve hard and fast when someone close dies. Same with companion animals. But I don't usually express it or seek consolation. I will cry rarely, and in private. Instead, I kind of get it out of my system by remembering their life and thinking about how the survivors will carry on. Because it's hard for me to express my grief to anyone but my closest family, people often think I do am not grieving. And also off-putting to some people (including, unfortunately, family members) is my preference for accepting the inevitable death of a very ill person or animal over believing in and hoping for a last-minute miracle cure. I've always thought of this as my philosophy, but reading you all's posts makes me think it's part of the package of being this way. Wow! And thank you all for sharing!

 

[Judge]

Quietly for the most part. Not something I'm inclined to share.

It took years to get over my father's death. I'll probably die before I ever get over the death of my mother. And at my age other people in my little orbit are dying as well. I still grieve for my pets that have long since passed as well.

 

[Ferdinand94]

Typically for me it doesn't really register. For a while. And then when it does I have a complete break down for anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks.

Pretty much what happens to me. And yes, ''Complete breakdown'' is the word for it.

 

[Ailie]

Pretty much what happens to me. And yes, ''Complete breakdown'' is the word for it.

Also this.

 

[AsheSkyler]

it's called putting to sleep or mercy killing. you make it sound as if you killed him out of malice, when you really just did what's best for him. being so old as 17, he wouldnt have lived much longer, and you didnt want him to suffer.

Whatever, I killed him. Putting a nice label on it doesn't change that.

 

[Aspieistj]

I grieve terribly hard for the death of a pet. I try to remain as alone as possible because very few people love their pets a strongly as I do and most think I am over reacting. I am in so much pain that I honestly wish I were dead. I have never been suicidal because I own other pets or my kids would need me when they were young. I probably love pets more than people. I firmly believe in euthanizing sick pets when their quality of life seriously diminishes. I would feel horribly selfish if I kept them alive to postpone the pain of losing them. I am a very strong believer in the right to die for humans and everyone who knows me knows I have been a formal DNR for decades. I have no magical belief in the Rainbow Bridge and it really offends me if I am offered mention of it as a condolence. I am very supportive of any person who watches their loved one die with a DNR in place. It is the only correct thing to do if the dying person has made a thoughtful choice to become a DNR. Now, if only we were offered a chance to decide before we are born if we want to live.

 

[wyverary]

For me, it's on an individual basis. If I know the death is inevitable, it makes it a little easier. My Jack Russell had been in poor health for a long time, so when it finally came time to euthanize him, it was almost a relief.

The last thing I have to go on is when my friend passed away this past summer. I spent two days in utter shock, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't say I ever really broke down. I did alright at the funeral; oddly, everyone seemed to be in okay spirits (maybe they were all still processing it as well). But for a month afterwards, I would occasionally think about it, and even moreso the people he left behind, and start crying. I still do, but it's not as frequent or as intense.

It's different for every situation and every person.

Whatever, I killed him. Putting a nice label on it doesn't change that.

I know how you feel, and i can't say anything to make you feel better. *hugs*

 

[OddmanJive]

Pets are SO hard to loose, and they are never with us long enough.