• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

How Do You Cope?

SallySlips

Well-Known Member
One of my biggest problems is not being able to deal with things happening that aren't planned. I like to have everything thought out beforehand so I can be mentally prepared, but when something gets thrown in that I'm not expecting, it really messes with my head.

For example, my husband dropped me off at work this morning and took my car because his is in the shop and he had an appointment. He was going to pick me up during lunch, drive home, and I would drive my car back to work. Five minutes before my lunch break, he called and said his friend's car had broken down so he would be half an hour late picking me up because he was going to help. I wasn't happy, but I dealt with it. Then when he finally arrived, we started driving home and then he told me he still needed the car to pick up parts for his friend, who was in the back seat. This really upset me because I had expected to have my car instead of waiting for him to pick me up. I had a hard time not acting like a total brat in front of his friend and they both knew I was really upset.

My question is, how do you cope in situations like this, where you're at work or with other people, without freaking people out or having a meltdown? I know there's no way to prevent every unexpected thing that happens, so I need to find some way to deal with this.
 
There's a few things I do to cope with any situation, but I doubt they'll help you a great lot.

I'm pretty much always prepared for anything, so I'm rarely caught off guard and prone for a meltdown. This also means that I expect people to mess up. And because of that I always look into another way out. And I don't rely on people as much. Changes in their routine sometimes upset me, so I rather just not deal with them and whatever random stuff they run into. I rarely ever ask people to drive me somewhere or pick me up. I'll go on foot or take the bus/train. As such I also leave on time, so I don't end up being stranded. Some people think I'm paranoid for doubting everyone, but way to many disappointments lead to this I think.

Maybe I'm a lousy friend in general, but I don't care if someones car would break down. If have to pick up my wife (or in my case, girlfriend), I will pick her up. My friend can wait... it's not part of my immediate planning. And I'd make sure my significant other is on the same page as me.

So the best advice to give you; talk to your husband, tell him you disapprove of those things and that priorities lie in your household, not others.

Yes, this might make me sound like a total ass and quite egotistical, but if I can't deal with a situation at all, I have to look into it and make it so it works for me.
 
I indentify with this so much, it's ridiculous.

My anwser is..... I don't cope very well.... But King_Oni's plan sounds good. Some of the time, things like not asking for lifts to places (like from the station to home after work) wouldn't happen becaquse I'm always tired and to be honest, bloody lazy haha so if I can get a lift, I will, even if they are late to pick me up, which generally 90% of the time, my wife is.

I know how hard it is to not let things like this bother you and hopefully with the help I'm hoping to get soon, I will learn some ways on how to manage that frustration and anxiety about these things. I have gotten worse as I have gotten older too, ergh
 
I generally don't rely on other people because I'm very distrustful too, and I hate waiting around for someone to get me when I have my own car. It's just circumstances right now - his fuel pump went out and the car is getting worked on, so he needs to use my car sometimes.

That's just an example though - anything that happens that I didn't plan on really bothers me. I need time to think it over first and make sure everything works out. I can't just do stuff on the fly. When it does happen, I either get super b*tchy or completely silent and it frustrates me along with other people.
 
I imagine not many people have responded to this thread because we haven't figured it out ourselves. I typically cry or completely shut down, which isn't helpful in the least. Then my husband gets angry or frustrated at me, which makes it worse. The least annoying thing I do when stressed, at least according to him, is close my eye and breathe deeply not saying a word while griping my hair tightly and slightly pulling. I don't know why this helps, but seems to. I'll be paying attention to this thread to see if anyone offers any good advice.
 
I really relate to this, I struggle with unplanned events, it really messes with my head, if an unplanned event occurs say like my partner says lets go out, I try my damnedest to be OK about it but I go really quiet and withdrawn then irritated and when we are out on these unplanned events I will barely speak at all, my partner notices and she gets frustrated with it and I feel bad about it when its over. basically my coping mechanisms are very poor in this situation.
This is something I really need to work on, but I know deep down that's who I am :(
 
This is a source of anxiety to me as well. However, I understand that, no matter how well-prepared I may be, things just happen. They do. They happen to other people; they happen to me. It is the nature of life. I strive really hard to be okay with it because, well, what's the alternative?

Stress, for me, eventually leads to depression, and that takes a toll on my health and my relationships. So whenever I have the perspective and self-control to let it go, that is my goal. I have imperfect control over it, but I have learned to get better at it the more I practice. I suppose it is a question of caring for myself better. It has the added benefit of lessened wear and tear on my relationships (what few I have), which means that I maintain a vital source of support. I may not be crazy about most people, but there are a few that enhance my life.
 
I have managed to manipulate my symptoms to some degree so if I get put in a stressful situation all of a sudden I can usually switch to logical mode
or imagine myself in a pleasurable situation to counter the effects of the stress. Example: waiting in a noisy,crowded waiting room I would meditate
on horseback riding or something else I enjoy. I have become so good at it I can stimulate the pleasure center of mind to a good degree.
 
The least annoying thing I do when stressed, at least according to him, is close my eye and breathe deeply not saying a word while griping my hair tightly and slightly pulling. I don't know why this helps, but seems to.

I pull my hair sometimes when I'm stressed, and it seems to help a bit. Maybe I should try it in situations with unplanned events.


if an unplanned event occurs say like my partner says lets go out, I try my damnedest to be OK about it but I go really quiet and withdrawn then irritated and when we are out on these unplanned events I will barely speak at all, my partner notices and she gets frustrated with it and I feel bad about it when its over.

That's how I get a lot of the time. I have to know ahead of time to be okay with it.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom