How do I tell my friends I don't want to go on a holiday with them the idea stresses me

[Julia 27]

Five female friends I went to Uni with ( we are all 60 ) want to go away for three days to Sydney and stay in an apartment together and they want me to come too. Help.......they are all 100% NT and talk non stop and are so social. I run out of things to talk about after 5 minutes as I don't like gossip or talking about other people and I just don't need to talk all the time and when i do want to talk I cannot get a word in anyway and by then the conversation has moved on and what I wanted to say is no longer relevant. I need a lot of alone quiet time. I just don't think i will cope being in such close quarters with them for that long
I have told one of the group who is a lifelong friend that I am on the spectrum ( high functioning Aspie) when I refused to go interstate to her 60th as I don't like parties so I felt obliged to explain but she doesn't get it and just thinks I don't try hard enough . Social situations create enormous stress for me before and during and I really only like one on one encounters or with another couple and my partner.
I really don't want to tell them that I am AS and that's why i don't want to go because they will either not get it (they probably won't be able to listen that long) and I feel they may not keep it private. I don't want to be suddenly treated differently or gossiped about

So any suggestions how I get out of going

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Julia

I so empathise with you; just reading your thread causes panic at the notion of being with others for that long! Even a day is too much for me!

Well, you could make arrangements to do something else and explain that you cannot change those plans, or pretend you have?

Or, be honest and tell them the truth and politely put the phone down, if they are blasting you!

Are they really friends? Is it worth keeping them as friends? People who gossip, are people who will gossip about even supposed friends!

 

[garnetflower13]

Do what the NTs do all the time; make up a story about why you can't go. They don't even feel badly about lying that way. You could say that you had completely forgotten that you had a standing arrangement at this time of the year to be with family or something like that. I totally relate to your concern about the arrangements. I once went to a weekend seminar with my support group. We had a hotel room and there were six beds in that room. Always someone coming and going. i don't know how I survived that!

 

[Warmheart]

Julia, I feel as you do. Such a holiday away from my routine, facing ongoing conversation, gossip, the unknown, changes in plans, unmet expectations, ongoing socialization, etc., would be far too much for me.

How wonderful that they want you along! However, it would cost me far too much emotionally and energetically to remain friends with anyone who has no time to hear and accept my truth. And, it isn't up to anyone other than myself to determine if I should "try harder" or not.

I would kindly but plainly say that you won't be going and you hope they have a lovely time. No explanation needed! Let THEM ask for a reason, if they choose to. You can simply repeat that you aren't going, and look forward to seeing them on their return.

Allow silence. It isn't your job to provide more in-depth answers. How they respond is up to them. You gave them your answer, with kindness, perhaps a smile. You don't need to offer more than your own simple answer.

You need peace in order to function.

 

[Catlover614]

I told my boyfriend up front (4 months in advance) that I'm not going to participate in the traditional Thanksgiving 'nightmare'. I can't even handle one day of being cooped up with 20 or more in one house....I wouldn't be able to breathe,lol. So many other times in the past, I have held my tongue and went anyway, inner meltdown at it's peak and by the time I would get back home, I was completely drained. And that's when the migraines come. There's nothing wrong with you outright stating that you don't want to go, Julia 27. Best of luck to you!

 

[Xenocity]

If they really care about you and want you there, they will make necessary accommodations for you.
You just have to be honest and upfront with them.

I suggest you go and talk to them about it and inform them on how taxing social stuff is for you.

If you want to continue to have a relationship with them, you still have to do these events and activities.

You guys just need to find the happy medium.

This goes for all relationships....

Believe me it's hard even for me, which makes me exhausted for at least a day following them.

 

[Mia]

You guys just need to find the happy medium.

There is no happy medium Xenocity, talk to me after forty years of 'doing' these events and we'll see if your perspective is still the same.

 

[Xenocity]

There is no happy medium Xenocity, talk to me after forty years of 'doing' these events and we'll see if your perspective is still the same.

I'm realistic.

You can't expect to have people in your life, if you aren't willing or able to reach an amicable solution aka the happy medium.
No one wants to bend over backwards for a person who isn't willing to do the same for them.

My point is, if you are not willing to invest the necessary amounts into human relationships, then you shouldn't complain when they fail.
It's wrong to expect the other person to carry the relationship all on their own and to have them fully accommodate you without you accommodate them on any level.
It takes two to tango!

I mean society call NTs who you have on sided relationships with as Selfish, Self Centered and narcissistic

I'll admit it's very hard for us, but it's unavoidable part of being human.

I don't expect you to agree with me and to react strongly to this post.

 

[Julia 27]

Thankyou all for taking the time to respond to my request for help
It is wonderful to have a safe place to air ones concerns with people who totally get it
Most NT's would think what a wonderful time to spend 3 days with girlfriends away and think me a grumpy old loner for not wanting to go but as you all realise I will come back more exhausted and feeling worse about myself than before I went and financially worse off as well !

it would be nice to be a good ambassador for AS and just tell them that is the reason. At 61 have a got anything to loose - they know I am a really intelligent ,stable person albeit a bit querky and a bit of a loner. But I guess there is always that fear of alienation or being treated differently if I come out so to speak. It does make one more tolerant of minority groups like what a gay person must go through

 

[Suzanne]

I'm realistic.

You can't expect to have people in your life, if you aren't willing or able to reach an amicable solution aka the happy medium.
No one wants to bend over backwards for a person who isn't willing to do the same for them.

My point is, if you are not willing to invest the necessary amounts into human relationships, then you shouldn't complain when they fail.
It's wrong to expect the other person to carry the relationship all on their own and to have them fully accommodate you without you accommodate them on any level.
It takes two to tango!

I mean society call NTs who you have on sided relationships with as Selfish, Self Centered and narcissistic

I'll admit it's very hard for us, but it's unavoidable part of being human.

I don't expect you to agree with me and to react strongly to this post.

The thing is that, when you have spent YEARS trying and failing because "normal" people consider you not worth it, then there gets to a point in life that one hold their hands up and says: NO MORE; for once, let them try to adapt to us!

 

[Warmheart]

I need friends with whom I can be *respectfully connected*. I think many of us need to be selective about who we allow to enter into our inner circle, because engagement with others is so tremendously costly for us. Many of us have just a very tiny reserve of social energy available to spend. We must budget this social energy wisely. This requires prioritizing, forethought, and being carefully selective both of the type of people we spend that precious tiny reserve of social energy on, and the venue we will be sharing with that person. No extremely animated non-stop gossipers in a hectic environment with high sensory hoopla for me. To push myself to accommodate others when situations may overwhelm, means I would put myself at risk for a massive "social migraine" following, complete with unsafe impairments to self care, executive functioning, and, at worst, autistic Catatonia. At the very least, my adaptive and speech/communication skills tank.

Choose friends and situations/venues with forethought. There are so many loving, friendly, supportive ways to be there for suitable friends, which do not cost us much and benefit both people.

With no other disability do people urge normality. Imagine someone saying to someone with cerebral palsy, "Come on, try to walk smoothly! People will be happier with you if you do!"
We don't need, amd cannot afford, others to pressure us to socialize beyond what we can safely manage.

We humans are all in this together. Autistics need to learn social skills. We need to learn to be polite. However, we also need to learn to achieve balance regarding how much, and what type, of socializing we can handle. Setting healthy boundaries can be done with kindness.

 

[Xenocity]

The thing is that, when you have spent YEARS trying and failing because "normal" people consider you not worth it, then there gets to a point in life that one hold their hands up and says: NO MORE; for once, let them try to adapt to us!

That's taking what I said out of context.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough.

Every person who is part of the relationship has to make the necessary adaptations, accommodations, etc... for the other people who are in that relationship.

It's not just "us" who have to do it, it is everyone who has to do this.

Nobody should be in a relationship of any sort, if they aren't necessary adaptations, accommodations, etc... for the other people who are in that relationship.

It doesn't help that in today's society people have become more individualistic and selfish for the most part and are unwilling to do the hard work required.

It is widely believed the majority of relationships fail for the majority of the people regardless of neurodiversity.
Very few humans succeed at the majority of their relationships.

Over half of all marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce within the first 3 years.
The only reason why the divorce rate is inching downward now is due to people not getting married.

There has been tons of studies on this over the past century.

 

[Xenocity]

With no other disability do people urge normality. Imagine someone saying to someone with cerebral palsy, "Come on, try to walk smoothly! People will be happier with you if you do!"
We don't need, amd cannot afford, others to pressure us to socialize beyond what we can safely manage.

That's actually not true.
All mental health issues preach normality and blending in, this is the driving force behind the therapy.
My mother who suffers from the severest form of Bipolar is constantly being pushed by her doctors to take the treatments, so she can be as normal as possible.
Before they knew she had it, they treated her for ADD/ADHD from childhood, they told she needed to do it so she could become normal.

My uncle who is dyslexic was pushed into treatment to make him normal...
He's is in his mid 40s with children and wife and he still gets told he needs to do medical stuff to become normal.
His wife pushes him to do it, so he can be normal and fit in.

When I was kid, long before I was diagnosed with AS (that was in college), I had to do PT and OT for other disabilities so I could do normal stuff and fit in.

I had to PT to make me walk normal, so I would move normally and not stick out. The fear was if walked differently it would send negative message about me.

I had to do OT to teach my body how to do do fine motor skills, so I could do normal stuff such as use small things, tie shoes etc...
They even tried to get me to do surgery to "fix" my body. Though surgery was no guaranteed fix, So didn't do it.
If did ever do it, I'd have to learn how to walk again, how to do motor skills again etc..
I didn't feel like having my hands and legs operated on.

Incurred a lot of punishment even from family because I didn't do things normally because of other disabilities.
I wasn't really given the stick over social issues, because I came from a broken household until college.


Etc...

The point is the U.S., Japan, Korea, China, India, well most of Asia, and Africa are all big on conformity, assimilation, and normality.

This is why the educational systems (K-12) are structured the way they are, this why medical treatment is structured the way it is, this is why society is the way it is.

In all these counties and regions I listed including the U.S., violating normality is BIG NO NO that comes with big punishment from society.

For some reason Central America, South America and Europe are far more accepting of neurodiversity and no one knows why...


My points are 1) most of medical issues and treatment are based on making the patient normal(it's just not ASDs)! 2) It depends on where you live when it comes to how important conformity, normality and assimilation are to the people.

 

[garnetflower13]

Well, I for one will not push myself into unnatural situations just to please others. I have lost many "friends" as I became more used to setting healthy boundaries. As a result, I have two friends who area absolute gems, who don't get annoyed when I have to cancel at the last minute for a planned activity, and who really like me just the way I am. Finding true friends is rare and priceless for Aspies. If the OP doesn't feel comfortable with an activity, she is an adult who has had many years to define herself. She knows what's best for herself, and all we should do is support her and not drone at her.

 

[Paiva]

Five female friends I went to Uni with ( we are all 60 ) want to go away for three days to Sydney and stay in an apartment together and they want me to come too. Help.......they are all 100% NT and talk non stop and are so social. I run out of things to talk about after 5 minutes as I don't like gossip or talking about other people and I just don't need to talk all the time and when i do want to talk I cannot get a word in anyway and by then the conversation has moved on and what I wanted to say is no longer relevant. I need a lot of alone quiet time. I just don't think i will cope being in such close quarters with them for that long
I have told one of the group who is a lifelong friend that I am on the spectrum ( high functioning Aspie) when I refused to go interstate to her 60th as I don't like parties so I felt obliged to explain but she doesn't get it and just thinks I don't try hard enough . Social situations create enormous stress for me before and during and I really only like one on one encounters or with another couple and my partner.
I really don't want to tell them that I am AS and that's why i don't want to go because they will either not get it (they probably won't be able to listen that long) and I feel they may not keep it private. I don't want to be suddenly treated differently or gossiped about

So any suggestions how I get out of going

Personally, I think you should tell them about AS, and explain to them why you don't want to go. If they don't accept this, they are not really your friends.

But if you don't feel like telling them (and there's nothing wrong with that, that's 100% your own choice), either just say that you don't want to go, or make up an excuse for why you can't go. It's your life, you're not obligated to do anything you don't want to.

There is one thing I can't really read from your post. You call them friends, but you don't seem very comfortable around them. Do you like these people, and want to have them in your life? Or are they just there because you knew them once? This is none of my business, of course, but it might be worth asking yourself that. If it's the first, maybe suggest another activity you could do together, once they get back from Sydney. If it's the second, maybe it's time to just end the friendship.

 

[Julia 27]

Personally, I think you should tell them about AS, and explain to them why you don't want to go. If they don't accept this, they are not really your friends.

But if you don't feel like telling them (and there's nothing wrong with that, that's 100% your own choice), either just say that you don't want to go, or make up an excuse for why you can't go. It's your life, you're not obligated to do anything you don't want to.

There is one thing I can't really read from your post. You call them friends, but you don't seem very comfortable around them. Do you like these people, and want to have them in your life? Or are they just there because you knew them once? This is none of my business, of course, but it might be worth asking yourself that. If it's the first, maybe suggest another activity you could do together, once they get back from Sydney. If it's the second, maybe it's time to just end the friendship.

 

[Julia 27]

Thanks
You are right with the question i need to resolve. A typical AS trait is loyalty so I struggle with letting go people I have known this long- but as others say other people come into your life when you make space for them and we were never all that close anyway when I think about it

 

[Paiva]

Thanks
You are right with the question i need to resolve. A typical AS trait is loyalty so I struggle with letting go people I have known this long- but as others say other people come into your life when you make space for them and we were never all that close anyway when I think about it

I fully understand that it's difficult. I have cut ties with all of my father's family, because everytime I saw them, it was just too stressful for me. They are the kind of people who always say one thing and mean another. And since I can't read that, they would always get mad at me and blame me for everything. It was a hard decision to make, as they are my family and I was very close to them as a child (back when they didn't expect so much from me). But my life turned out better because of it.

I think many of us need to be selective about who we allow to enter into our inner circle, because engagement with others is so tremendously costly for us.

I very much agree with this. It's taxing for us to be social, so we should spend our energy on the people that really matter.

 

[Julia 27]

I fully understand that it's difficult. I have cut ties with all of my father's family, because everytime I saw them, it was just too stressful for me. They are the kind of people who always say one thing and mean another. And since I can't read that, they would always get mad at me and blame me for everything. It was a hard decision to make, as they are my family and I was very close to them as a child (back when they didn't expect so much from me). But my life turned out better because of it.



I very much agree with this. It's taxing for us to be social, so we should spend our energy on the people that really matter.

 

[Julia 27]

Is there anyone out there in Aspies Central from South Australia ?
I've never knowingly met a fellow female Aspie especially one as old as me (60 ish) and would love to compare notes
Foe example I love going for a walk but I don't like to chat much whereas the friends I refer to go for a walk together and do not draw breath for talking and then coffee and more chat- that is the whole idea of the walk for them whereas i want to walk and not chat or at least not much which is really something most women need to do , chat that is. That's where having a partner is nice as he and I can be together for ages in the car or walking and not have to talk all the time!