How Do Aspies Progress Beyond Social & Emotional Immaturity?

[HughG]

I once read the following words from another Aspie somewhere else and they really struck a chord within me, because this person actually described a HUGE portion of my life struggles---even as it is today. The problem, however, is that this was written by a teenager, yet I am far beyond my teenage years. This person wrote about some of his/her struggles with Asperger's Syndrome, but he/she was noticing these things as a youth. Here I am a little past 40 and I've been struggling with the same things since my teens. Here is what they wrote:

"...aside from sensory issues, maybe bad motor skills, and intense interests, the main issue I feel is lack of emotional maturity/mental acuity.

By emotional immaturity, I don't mean controlling your emotions, I mean feeling mentally organized/responsible for yourself, understanding how people work, CONFIDENCE, all the things, in other words, associated with adult independence. Not to say that we are children, but just that we have delays in acquiring this maturity.

I feel about ~2 years behind, and I feel that many other Aspies I know personally in my age group fit the bill. Though obviously someone who acts 14 when they're 16 wouldn't act 36 when they're 38, as there aren't really milestones at that age, they'd be more like a twenty-something or whatever... It's not just socializing. It's how we "feel", if you get me."​

One of the differences I think I see between me and him/her is that I just recently began to realize just how far off-the-mark am in relation to other people my age. I don't feel like I really interact with others according to my age. Over the years many new coworkers at different jobs have told me that I'm too serious-minded. But then once they get to know me a little better, they normally start complaining against me, saying that I'm immature and childish. And honestly, I've already known the latter. I just have no idea why it is... And what really bothers me about it the most is that I don't know how to change it! I mean, how do I become/feel socially and emotionally mature within, and in such a way that it is manifested without?

I really hate the fact that I've always felt like a younger sibling whenever I've been around other people in my age group. Furthermore, I always feel much better, much more secure, more like I'm in the right group when I'm among people who are 5 to 10 years younger than me. I don't think that's normal.

Any wisdom, suggestions, or solutions?


The Reasons Why I Joined Aspies Central
I joined Aspies Central since coming to grips with the undeniable fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Although I'm currently awaiting the official diagnosis, all the signs are undeniable and irrefutable. I'm no longer in shock or angry about it, but I'm more along the lines of being thankful, because I'm getting so many answers and reasons now for all of my weirdness and stuff that I've been struggling with for a lifetime. However, I just really wish that I can find some solutions for these things... Are there any solutions??? Or am I just destined to always be how I am and feel how I do? This leads me to briefly explain the 2 main reasons why I joined Aspies Central:

1. I learned that there is a whole community of people out there who are just like me and, at least to some extent, share my struggles;
2. I want/need to learn a bunch of skills---social skills---such as what social cues are and how to read them. Also how to interact with people without feeling tense, anxious, awkward, fearful, paranoid, out-of-place, inept, etc., and without scaring them off by being weird, or codependent, or immature, or too intellectual, or whatever else that typically offends or wards off Neurotypicals.

Can I find #2 in Aspies Central?

 

[Bolletje]

Your post really resonates with me. While I've always been told that intellectually, I'm a lot older than my biological age, I've only recently started feeling like an adult in some ways, and I'm 30 now.
I'll try to give my answers to your second reason for joining.

I've had quite a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy in recent years to delve deeper into my anxiety over being too loud, too weird, too inappropriate et cetera in conversations. This therapy took place in a group, which I was initially not too keen on, but it did help to get constructive feedback from people struggling with the same anxiety.
Turns out that, while I can be loud, weird, condescending or inappropriate at times, most of the times I'm actually not that bad at social interaction. Staying silent out of fear of saying something wrong is usually perceived to be more off-putting than occasionally saying something people don't like or understand.

What has also helped me immensely is to mimic NT social interaction. I've been doing this for ages, long before I was diagnosed with Aspergers, to the extent that about 90% of the time I automatically give socially desired responses in a conversation. For example, when someone tells me about their day, or something they're interested in, I've really had to train myself to respond to that story with another question about their day or interest, instead of a story about myself. This is still one of my biggest pitfalls.
Another example (and a hard one for me) is people that are emotional or crying. My first instinct is to either walk away or pretend it isn't happening, as this is what I would want if someone else saw me being emotional. This led people to perceive me as cold and indifferent, while it's more of a panic reaction because I don't know how to deal with the situation. I've trained myself to ask people if they want to talk about it, if there's anything I can do, or if they want a hug. Because it's what I've seen neurotypical people do in the same situations. It's helped a lot, people consider me a great listener and a great comfort these days. Mind you, I still don't feel like hugging people that cry or asking about a day I'm not that interested in, but I've trained myself to behave that way.

Another big help for me has been telling my friends about my insecurities and anxieties about conversations. Once I got diagnosed with Aspergers I thought about how many people I wanted to know, and I decided my friends could help me out a lot with becoming a better, more functional person. So I told those who are close to me and I've asked them all to tell me when I'm being inconsiderate, inappropriate, condescending, or just plain old boring.
They're brutally honest (which, obviously, stings a little sometimes) but their constructive criticism does make me feel like I keep increasing my social skills.

Alright, this answer has become a bit of a novella, but I hope you can find some bits and pieces in there that are of use to you. Good luck out there!

 

[Alcyon]

Hugh, for what it's worth, I really don't think I hit my stride until I got into my forties. Not that I wasn't pretty awesome before then, but things just started to come together then. I think I started to get comfortable in my own skin. Someone doesn't like that I am ____ (fill in the blank)? Too bad. I am what I am.

Time and persistent effort are my greatest allies.

Another revelation is that I can dislike things about a person, but still like the person. And that goes both ways.

Not everything is about being on the spectrum. I've been paying very close attention to people, trying to make my way in the world. The last job I had, for twenty-five years, often involved spending two or three days at a time as a member of a crew on freight trains. Close quarters with hundreds of different people over time.

From which I have learned this: everybody is a freak! I mean that in the nicest way. I don't think I would need all my fingers to count the well-adjusted, secure ones I've worked with or met over time. You and I aren't the only ones in a setting wondering about ourselves, what to say, if we're fitting in, etc.

As the saying goes, the only normal person is the one you haven't yet gotten to know.

 

[Bolletje]

Not everything is about being on the spectrum.

I think this is a great nugget of wisdom. Once I was diagnosed with Aspergers it took me some time to process that, to inform a select number of people, and to figure out what Aspergers meant to me, how it affects my life and how I can live my life most effectively with what I've got. And then I just sort of... let it go.

I hardly ever think about it these days, unless I'm confronted with one of my disadvantages (and unless I'm on these forums, but that goes without saying).
Worrying about fitting in tends to make me worse at fitting in, because I'll overanalyze everything I do.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh HugeG

This is so me!

I am 47 and just yesterday received a lovely message from two other aspies and in truth, I was like a child. I was jumping up and down in glee and wringing my hands and my husband was looking at me, but was amused rather than think I needed help. I think he secretly likes the childish streak in me lol

I am told that I talk too much and that I am so quiet that I might as well not be in a room!

I come across as though I am stupid and then when ones get to know me, think me a bit above myself, because of what I talk about.

In a world where people just get on with living; I am like a child or teen who is just trying to find a place in this world and constantly fail at it.

Anyway, I am pretty sure that everyone is echoing how I feel and your post just simply screams out my life!

 

[Suzanne]

Another revelation is that I can dislike things about a person, but still like the person. And that goes both ways.

I am still working on that one. I never realised that is what I do ie hate the entire person rather than just parts of their personality, until my husband pointed it out to me and so, have been working on it ever since.

 

[OkRad]

I never did and now I don't try. Why should I? Why should I fight myself all the time?

Should a person who is gay keep fighting and asking how long till they feel straight? NO! That is terrible unhealthy.

Immaturity, if it is who you are, especially if it is part of an established PDD will most likely not go away. And why should it?

I see how development generally happens, like in the kids in our family. There is a SHARP development about 16 and it's rapid and it's fast and it's complete. Puberty is fast. I watched one after another "outgrow" me in less than a year!

If you miss that and then what-----it takes 20 years to catch up? Well, guess what, they are now 20 year ahead of you with DAILY easy functioning as an adult. And you are still fighting at 40.

You are NOT on their trajectory.

Again, it's like watch a straight sibling enjoy dating the opposite gender and you try and try and try and you just don't get it. You try all the way into your 40s and maybe even marry.

But one day it clicks. You will never know what it feels like to be straight and you are horrified that you tried and that people kept making you feel you had to be straight.

So I will never know what it feels like to be an adult. Big whoop. I can live as a kid. I don't hurt anyone. I hurt a lot less people than those scary grown ups who keep pestering one another.

I personally will never ever ever again try to be what I am not. If I am 12, well, bring on the glitter. Life is wayyy to short to keep trying to change things that do not even need to be changed.

 

[Shawn D]

Your post really resonates with me. While I've always been told that intellectually, I'm a lot older than my biological age, I've only recently started feeling like an adult in some ways, and I'm 30 now.
I'll try to give my answers to your second reason for joining.

I've had quite a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy in recent years to delve deeper into my anxiety over being too loud, too weird, too inappropriate et cetera in conversations. This therapy took place in a group, which I was initially not too keen on, but it did help to get constructive feedback from people struggling with the same anxiety.
Turns out that, while I can be loud, weird, condescending or inappropriate at times, most of the times I'm actually not that bad at social interaction. Staying silent out of fear of saying something wrong is usually perceived to be more off-putting than occasionally saying something people don't like or understand.

What has also helped me immensely is to mimic NT social interaction. I've been doing this for ages, long before I was diagnosed with Aspergers, to the extent that about 90% of the time I automatically give socially desired responses in a conversation. For example, when someone tells me about their day, or something they're interested in, I've really had to train myself to respond to that story with another question about their day or interest, instead of a story about myself. This is still one of my biggest pitfalls.
Another example (and a hard one for me) is people that are emotional or crying. My first instinct is to either walk away or pretend it isn't happening, as this is what I would want if someone else saw me being emotional. This led people to perceive me as cold and indifferent, while it's more of a panic reaction because I don't know how to deal with the situation. I've trained myself to ask people if they want to talk about it, if there's anything I can do, or if they want a hug. Because it's what I've seen neurotypical people do in the same situations. It's helped a lot, people consider me a great listener and a great comfort these days. Mind you, I still don't feel like hugging people that cry or asking about a day I'm not that interested in, but I've trained myself to behave that way.

Another big help for me has been telling my friends about my insecurities and anxieties about conversations. Once I got diagnosed with Aspergers I thought about how many people I wanted to know, and I decided my friends could help me out a lot with becoming a better, more functional person. So I told those who are close to me and I've asked them all to tell me when I'm being inconsiderate, inappropriate, condescending, or just plain old boring.
They're brutally honest (which, obviously, stings a little sometimes) but their constructive criticism does make me feel like I keep increasing my social skills.

Alright, this answer has become a bit of a novella, but I hope you can find some bits and pieces in there that are of use to you. Good luck out there!

I also feel extremely uncomfortable around emotional/crying people. I don't know what to do, so I just "freeze" and just want to exit the situation.
As far as hugs, it's always awkward for me. It's particularly difficult when my brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law tell their kids to hug me (don't get me started on the psychological impact forced affection has on children's understanding of consent and sense of autonomy). If they don't want to hug me, I always tell them that it is completely fine, both for my own ease, and for theirs.

 

[Shawn D]

I once read the following words from another Aspie somewhere else and they really struck a chord within me, because this person actually described a HUGE portion of my life struggles---even as it is today. The problem, however, is that this was written by a teenager, yet I am far beyond my teenage years. This person wrote about some of his/her struggles with Asperger's Syndrome, but he/she was noticing these things as a youth. Here I am a little past 40 and I've been struggling with the same things since my teens. Here is what they wrote:

"...aside from sensory issues, maybe bad motor skills, and intense interests, the main issue I feel is lack of emotional maturity/mental acuity.

By emotional immaturity, I don't mean controlling your emotions, I mean feeling mentally organized/responsible for yourself, understanding how people work, CONFIDENCE, all the things, in other words, associated with adult independence. Not to say that we are children, but just that we have delays in acquiring this maturity.

I feel about ~2 years behind, and I feel that many other Aspies I know personally in my age group fit the bill. Though obviously someone who acts 14 when they're 16 wouldn't act 36 when they're 38, as there aren't really milestones at that age, they'd be more like a twenty-something or whatever... It's not just socializing. It's how we "feel", if you get me."​

One of the differences I think I see between me and him/her is that I just recently began to realize just how far off-the-mark am in relation to other people my age. I don't feel like I really interact with others according to my age. Over the years many new coworkers at different jobs have told me that I'm too serious-minded. But then once they get to know me a little better, they normally start complaining against me, saying that I'm immature and childish. And honestly, I've already known the latter. I just have no idea why it is... And what really bothers me about it the most is that I don't know how to change it! I mean, how do I become/feel socially and emotionally mature within, and in such a way that it is manifested without?

I really hate the fact that I've always felt like a younger sibling whenever I've been around other people in my age group. Furthermore, I always feel much better, much more secure, more like I'm in the right group when I'm among people who are 5 to 10 years younger than me. I don't think that's normal.

Any wisdom, suggestions, or solutions?


The Reasons Why I Joined Aspies Central
I joined Aspies Central since coming to grips with the undeniable fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Although I'm currently awaiting the official diagnosis, all the signs are undeniable and irrefutable. I'm no longer in shock or angry about it, but I'm more along the lines of being thankful, because I'm getting so many answers and reasons now for all of my weirdness and stuff that I've been struggling with for a lifetime. However, I just really wish that I can find some solutions for these things... Are there any solutions??? Or am I just destined to always be how I am and feel how I do? This leads me to briefly explain the 2 main reasons why I joined Aspies Central:

1. I learned that there is a whole community of people out there who are just like me and, at least to some extent, share my struggles;
2. I want/need to learn a bunch of skills---social skills---such as what social cues are and how to read them. Also how to interact with people without feeling tense, anxious, awkward, fearful, paranoid, out-of-place, inept, etc., and without scaring them off by being weird, or codependent, or immature, or too intellectual, or whatever else that typically offends or wards off Neurotypicals.

Can I find #2 in Aspies Central?

I've also always felt like "the younger sibling" in social situations. Never on the same level as my same-aged peers. I've almost always gravitated toward kids/adults who are much younger than me, or even much older. As a child, my best friend in 1st grade was a college student who lived in my apartment complex.
When I was in 4th grade, I made friends with a high school student on the bus (small town).
As a young adult, I tended to hang out with teenagers.
As far as what's normal? "Normal" is just a setting on the dryer [emoji6]

 

[Alcyon]

I also feel extremely uncomfortable around emotional/crying people. I don't know what to do, so I just "freeze" and just want to exit the situation.

Oh, when others have their episodes...that's when I hear, in a voice dripped with disgust, "you're so cold!"

I know what I'm supposed to do, on a good day I might be able to muster up a...

https://imgur.com/jb1sZ7F

 

[paloftoon]

I would not try to compare yourself to this teenager. Remember, the teenager has grown up surrounded by many more resources available at his/her fingertips than when you were his age. Also, you and that person have probably grown up in very different life circumstances. It is possible this teenager could face a different problem of being too coddled too with more resources unfortunately. Focus on embracing what you have and can obtain, and make it work for you.

The best ways to try to adjust to a situation are to not try to be one specific way. You have to "look" for balance. We have to somehow "feel" out the situation as with certain people and under certain contexts, sometimes it's okay to be more of a child, and sometimes more serious. If you are corrected, thank that person for their advice and attempt to take their advice into consideration in that situation if you know they are well meaning. Try to build confidence in what you do, but in something extreme happens, try to be prepared to deal with the situation. Dealing with the situation could be anything from walking away, to talking positively toward a solution, mediating the situation or changing the topic, apologizing 1-1 to the appropriate people, timing may need to be considered, other factors I cannot think of that need to be listed here- probably too many. This is where we have to 'feel' out the balance. In some cases, there may be more than one way to go about it. Good luck in the choices you make.
(I feel like I'm describing a Choose Your Own Adventure book.)

 

[HughG]

I also feel extremely uncomfortable around emotional/crying people. I don't know what to do, so I just "freeze" and just want to exit the situation.
As far as hugs, it's always awkward for me. It's particularly difficult when my brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law tell their kids to hug me (don't get me started on the psychological impact forced affection has on children's understanding of consent and sense of autonomy). If they don't want to hug me, I always tell them that it is completely fine, both for my own ease, and for theirs.

I feel you. I've not been one for hugging ever since I was a child. And even now, I still find it difficult to hug people. I don't know why. There's just something about it that's always bothered me.

 

[wight]

Guess what? This is not an AS/ASD thing. NTs are like this, too. They are just better at faking it than we are.

Not that this helps you with your own emotional growth, but perhaps it will assuage your discomfort about it.

 

[HughG]

Your post really resonates with me. While I've always been told that intellectually, I'm a lot older than my biological age, I've only recently started feeling like an adult in some ways, and I'm 30 now.
I'll try to give my answers to your second reason for joining.

I've had quite a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy in recent years to delve deeper into my anxiety over being too loud, too weird, too inappropriate et cetera in conversations. This therapy took place in a group, which I was initially not too keen on, but it did help to get constructive feedback from people struggling with the same anxiety.
Turns out that, while I can be loud, weird, condescending or inappropriate at times, most of the times I'm actually not that bad at social interaction. Staying silent out of fear of saying something wrong is usually perceived to be more off-putting than occasionally saying something people don't like or understand.

What has also helped me immensely is to mimic NT social interaction. I've been doing this for ages, long before I was diagnosed with Aspergers, to the extent that about 90% of the time I automatically give socially desired responses in a conversation. For example, when someone tells me about their day, or something they're interested in, I've really had to train myself to respond to that story with another question about their day or interest, instead of a story about myself. This is still one of my biggest pitfalls.
Another example (and a hard one for me) is people that are emotional or crying. My first instinct is to either walk away or pretend it isn't happening, as this is what I would want if someone else saw me being emotional. This led people to perceive me as cold and indifferent, while it's more of a panic reaction because I don't know how to deal with the situation. I've trained myself to ask people if they want to talk about it, if there's anything I can do, or if they want a hug. Because it's what I've seen neurotypical people do in the same situations. It's helped a lot, people consider me a great listener and a great comfort these days. Mind you, I still don't feel like hugging people that cry or asking about a day I'm not that interested in, but I've trained myself to behave that way.

Another big help for me has been telling my friends about my insecurities and anxieties about conversations. Once I got diagnosed with Aspergers I thought about how many people I wanted to know, and I decided my friends could help me out a lot with becoming a better, more functional person. So I told those who are close to me and I've asked them all to tell me when I'm being inconsiderate, inappropriate, condescending, or just plain old boring.
They're brutally honest (which, obviously, stings a little sometimes) but their constructive criticism does make me feel like I keep increasing my social skills.

Alright, this answer has become a bit of a novella, but I hope you can find some bits and pieces in there that are of use to you. Good luck out there!

I've done A LOT of mimicking NT's, but it usu gets me jammed up with people whenever I do.

 

[paloftoon]

Learning social cues is tricky cause it could be different for each situation. Context matters too and if you know the characteristics of an individual, this could sway things too.

The "best" way I learned honestly is I "f-ed up" unintentionally more times that I can count. I still do presently, just usually a lot less. If you can, try to explain details in-person or at least through a phone call and not online or through text or e-mail. I had to learn this the hard way. If it takes too long or is negative sounding, it's probably not going to come off right in a non-talkative format. Or certain things, in order for them to come off right, it would require writing a book. And, who want to read a book about one of a person's emotions? Usually, "no one."

You might feel at least some of the things you describe in #2. What matters most is how we manage these feelings rather than trying to just not be this way at all. Deep inside, I think a lot of people feel at least some of those things below, but some people tend to care about it less because there are many things not under your control.

 

[stefanos108]

I hope that anyone Aspie who reads this won't be insulted. I bought a book called Social Rules for Kids and was surprised to find that it has so many good ideas that Aspies may relate to. I found it helpful for myself. Here's the Amazon link:

Social Rules for Kids-The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed: Susan Diamond M.A., CCC: 9781934575840: Amazon.com: Books

​

 

[Bolletje]

Learning social cues is tricky cause it could be different for each situation. Context matters too and if you know the characteristics of an individual, this could sway things too.

This is so true. My social interactions with friends are filled with self-deprecating and absurd humour, sarcastic comments and insults, with deadpan delivery. My friends know this is how I express affection (my sense of humour is one of the things I'm mostly known for, even when I'm not intentionally funny people laugh with me) but when I talk to someone I'm not too close to I run the risk of people thinking I'm either riddled with insecurity and fishing for compliments, or just a vicious and mean person.

I'll never forget the moment when I was talking to one of my male friends and his girlfriend came up to us, jealous of our interaction. I told her as a joke (but with a straight face) that I'd just pissed on him to mark my territory, so she'd either have to piss on him as well or just accept that he'd be talking to me for the moment. My friend doubled over in laughter, his girlfriend was (understandably) upset because she considered my remark to be vile, possessive, utterly inappropriate and she wasn't entirely sure I was joking.

 

[xDominiel]

In my experience, through a lot of suffering, basically.

 

[xudo]

Someone doesn't like that I am ____ (fill in the blank)? Too bad. I am what I am.

This is basically how I feel.

I'm 31 next month, and I always feel like I'm not a "proper" adult. I don't feel like I can cope with many things that adults are meant to be able to, or make decisions like an adult. Having said that, the NT friends I have are all pretty immature too (one or two are older than me, but only by a year or two) so I don't tend to have people calling out my immaturity.

 

[Kupu2]

Yup, at 40-something, I feel emotionally like what a 10yo is supposed to be. Socially, I'm not a lot different to my naive 16yo self. A psych, about 4 or 5 yrs ago, told me I'm emotionally and socially stunted. No........kidding...Sherlock?

I am increasingly alone. And better for it.