Hitting the Wall

[Datura]

I was going to write some long-winded post about the events which lead me to this point, but I frankly don't have the energy.

Over the past several months my mental health has been markedly deteriorating. This past week it has reached a point where I can not function. My boss has noticed there is something wrong and I have been having a few crying jags, shutdowns, and a pervasive sense of anxiety an ennui.

This week I lost all control. I was supposed to go to work but instead found myself twitching an flailing for hour until I exhausted myself. In a way it felt liberating and cathartic, but it was also apparent that I was in no condition for work. If anyone had seen me they would probably think I needed to be restrained. I called in sick and my boss told me to stay home for the rest of the week and to focus on getting better.

Now I am somewhat concerned about my future. When I do get better will I still have a job? Do I even want to keep my job. What else would I do? Perhaps these are questions best answered when I am in a better frame of mind, but it can't hurt to get a head start.

Does anybody have any advice, or have they experienced similar crises?

 

[qwerty]

Take the week to look after yourself. If you spend time worrying or speculating when you are too stressed you will find the week has passed before you know it and you will still be in the same state, maybe much worse. Sometimes it can be very difficult actively and deliberately relaxing so think of it as a job which requires concentration and effort, focus intently in this for at least 3 days. Try to include some form of physical exercise each day during these 3 days. If you have anyone close enough to share your concerns with inform them and talk talk talk, hearing yourself out loud sometimes can help you to sort things out. After the 3 days are over reassess the dilemma you are experiencing, hopefully wirh a clearer head, breathing exercises and anything that may help to slow your thought process. I find mindfulness exercises very helpful when i feel completely overwhelmed. Meltdowns are no fun. Please research mindfulness techniques on google.

You are not alone!
Kia kaha

 

[nowwhat]

I have had my semi-breakdowns. The only thing that worked in my favor was that, as long as you did your work, almost any behavior was tolerated in the field I was in at the time. I understand your situation, as I'm sure others here do. My prayers are with you.

 

[tachyon]

Datura was it an incident at work that caused your situation? If it was, you should share that with your supervisor and if they value your contribution they will hopefully try to assist you in dealing with co-workers.
Stay strong.

 

[CaveDweller]

Hang on in there and try to be positive. I know it's hard to when you are in this frame of mind, but it will pass. I have experienced what I always describe as 'Car crashes' every few years where my mental health deteriorates to the point of not being able to function and I just need to get away from everyone and everything. The last one was last year when I quit my job because, at the time, I really couldn't face it anymore. (It was this that made me finally push for a diagnosis).

Hope you feel better soon, and remember that you should never make permanent choices based on temporary emotions.

 

[Aspieistj]

Unless it's the job that is making you upset, I believe being out of work would probably just add to your problems. Just my thoughts and a reflection of my need for security. Hope things get better soon.

 

[tachyon]

It really hurts me to read of young people having great difficulty and emotional pain with their AS. Got me thinking that perhaps I was fortunate in working in I.T. and not being diagnosed for many decades.

Please don’t give up . Eventually people will appreciate that you have many valuable qualities. Damn - I really hope I’m right or humanity has little hope.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Had exactly this happen to me one day. Got dry heaves in the shower before breakfast, and on the way to work, feeling of impending disaster/reluctance. Had been on my meds and everything. Work was a little crazier than usual, but I thought I was handling it until I had to pull into a coffee shop parking lot and just shake. Called my shrink, who promptly got some emergency tranquilizer called in to my drugstore. Called my boss and said, "I'm pulled over and I'm having a crisis."

He said, "Can I drive you anywhere?"

And that little bit of just plain, pragmatic empathy calmed me enough that I could drive myself to the drugstore, go home, take the meds and two days off, and then return to work. And talk with him frankly about the unresolvable issues with a couple of people who were blind, deaf, and dumb to anything but themselves, and not even pretending to be team players while railing about how I wasn't the team player.

Hope this story helps. You need one person in your corner who's also in the situation. Have you got one?

PS: Couldn't help notice your tagline. Whatever else you are, "hypochondriac" doesn't sound like you. Said with love.

 

[Datura]

Thank you everyone for your advice and concern. I am still feeling rather detached, apathetic, and confused, but the fact that there are people out there who care is heartening.

I also seem to have developed a bit of a tick where thoracic muscles contract causing a sort of spasmodic bobbing motion. I don't mind it, but others would likely find it off putting. I've actually had this tick before. It should go away as I improve.

Datura was it an incident at work that caused your situation? If it was, you should share that with your supervisor and if they value your contribution they will hopefully try to assist you in dealing with co-workers.
Stay strong.

I don't think it's any one thing, but at accumulation of anxieties. In regard to work there are several stressors. I work in supporting people with developmental disabilities and over the post couple of months we have had several new people move in without any additional staffing. There is a lot of people to have everyone engaged with the community on a daily basis, but this is easier said than done. Because of our limited human resources we need to split our time between clients in a maximally efficient manner. This often means having to find activities that multiple people are interested in. This is easier said than done, especially given the age range and differing personalities of the people we support. Add to this the fact that most of our clients have very restrictive comfort zones and the task is daunting, to say the least.

I also have a co-worker who I have never really gotten along with. We don't fight, but our communication styles are very different. This could partially be a language barrier (English is his second language) but that is common in my field and I think there is more to it than that. A big part of it is his sense of humor, it is very dry and I find it difficult to discern weather he is joking or not. One of his favorite jokes is playing dumb, which is very frustrating since genuine misunderstanding between us are already fairly common. He also has a tendency to imitate my mannerisms, speak for me, and generally treat me like an idiot. I don't like confrontation and have thus never told him that these behaviors bother me. He is also lazy and irresponsible, but I won't get into that.


My other anxieties relate to the fact that I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I am reasonably intelligent and possessed of certain aptitudes for music, writing, and analysis, but I feel they are all going to waste. I can't seem to get organized or focus long enough to achieve anything of substance. I can research a topic forever, but when it comes time to syntheisise something based on my knowledge I procrastinate, freeze up, become wracked with anxiety and guilt, and often abandon the project part way through, if I can muster the will to start at all. It is dreadfully frustrating and it makes me feel useless.

The last major defeat I suffered was in attempting to form an anime and J-rock cover band. The process was something akin to herding cats and then trying to pull their eye teeth. Only one other member had any sense of dedication or professionalism. They frequently would not show up, or show up hours late for practice. In the three months we existed as an entity the group, it its entirety, did not coalesce once. I believe that this failure was the beginning of my gradual downward spiral. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and that having dreams and ambitions is just asking for more pain. I also feel like a melodramatic crybaby who should just suck it up and join the adult world.

Speaking of which, I feel like I am somehow stunted. At thirty I still feel like an angsty adolescent. I can't tolerate the daily grind of mundane responsibilities and can't seem to get my act together when it comes to finances. I still live with my parents, I don't drive, and I have all but given up on intimate relationships.

Sorry for being such a drama queen, but there you have it. Those are the things that are bothering me.

 

[qwerty]

Thank you everyone for your advice and concern. I am still feeling rather detached, apathetic, and confused, but the fact that there are people out there who care is heartening.

I also seem to have developed a bit of a tick where thoracic muscles contract causing a sort of spasmodic bobbing motion. I don't mind it, but others would likely find it off putting. I've actually had this tick before. It should go away as I improve.



I don't think it's any one thing, but at accumulation of anxieties. In regard to work there are several stressors. I work in supporting people with developmental disabilities and over the post couple of months we have had several new people move in without any additional staffing. There is a lot of people to have everyone engaged with the community on a daily basis, but this is easier said than done. Because of our limited human resources we need to split our time between clients in a maximally efficient manner. This often means having to find activities that multiple people are interested in. This is easier said than done, especially given the age range and differing personalities of the people we support. Add to this the fact that most of our clients have very restrictive comfort zones and the task is daunting, to say the least.

I also have a co-worker who I have never really gotten along with. We don't fight, but our communication styles are very different. This could partially be a language barrier (English is his second language) but that is common in my field and I think there is more to it than that. A big part of it is his sense of humor, it is very dry and I find it difficult to discern weather he is joking or not. One of his favorite jokes is playing dumb, which is very frustrating since genuine misunderstanding between us are already fairly common. He also has a tendency to imitate my mannerisms, speak for me, and generally treat me like an idiot. I don't like confrontation and have thus never told him that these behaviors bother me. He is also lazy and irresponsible, but I won't

OMG I soooooo relate, having worked in a similar job for many years, I believe I even developed similar "nervous" tics that you describe. If your funding and regulations are as poor as they are here in New Zealand which it sounds like they are, my heart goes out to you along with my prayers and any support I can muster ((HUGS)) understaffed, emotionally demanding, underpaid, the employment of people who have little to no education regarding incredibly complicated and sensitive interpersonal interactions, extremely challenging Ethical responsibilities, lives in your care, literally a constant case of life and death scenarios... this list could carry on for pages and pages of stress inducing aspects to your job. Do you receive supervision or any professionally facilitated psychological supports?
Hang in there, you will make it through this.

 

[Datura]

To the credit of the organization I work for they are very good when it comes to continued learning. There is a list of mandatory courses we all take in our first three months. Following this there are various voluntary workshops we can attend to learn new skills and hone old ones. I am also enrolled in an online course specific to my field. I find the coursework exceedingly easy, but the curriculum is excellent so far, delving into the history of how people with developmental disabilities have been treated and the evolution of care models leading up to the present day. Needless to say, the first chapter was extremely depressing, but it underscores the importance of what we do and our efforts to constantly improve.

But yes, we are underfunded and understaffed. Though we are not a government organization we are directly funded by the government, so budget is a constant concern. We try to do as much as we can with what we have.

Aside from a lack of resources I suppose there is a conflict of ideology within and between the organizations that support these people. For example; we emphasize a Person Centered approach which emphasizes the strengths, gifts and interests or our individuals. But quite often regulations, and ergo policy, dictate a more medicalized model. We try to support people in making their own choices and expressing themselves authentically, but then run into interference from legal guardians. We are supposed to respect client's wishes and help them form connections in the community, but what if their wish is to stay at home?

I can't complain about a lack of supervision, but so far as I know there is no psychological help available through my agency.

 

[qwerty]

Supervision is a term used maybe just in New Zealand? for a gathering of workers usually once a month with a qualified psychologist to help with the inevitable conflicts and stress that is inherent in our line of work ( i always thought the term supervision as demeaning) but it is incredibly useful to ease tensions between co-workers for example.
if I were in your situation I would enquire as to the absence of ongoing supervision ( group Psychological assistance eg conflict resolution,discussing areas of concern amongst fellow workers in regards to quality of care and spitballing ideas for improvement ) it really is an incredibly efficient way to maintain the quality of care you obviously strive for.
The conflict between what is sensible and really practically useful to some people under your care and what is currently fashionable, like you mentioned with a person who would benefit from staying at home rather than following what should "procedurally" be most beneficial is always frustrating.
I like the person centered strengths based model you guys seem to utilise.
There are times where I've felt like tearing my hair out with frustration at policy conflicts and conflicts with other staff
Hang in there

 

[Datura]

Hmm. I will have to look into this "supervision" practice. It sounds very useful. We do have team meetings on a regular basis, but mental health and conflict resolution are not the focus. We certainly do not have a psychologist on hand.

 

[Datura]

So, I'm still off work. I saw my doctor an he put me on more meds. I am now soooo relaxed, but perhaps too much so. Anyway, the antianxiety meds are just temporary. Now I am thinking of accessing some sort of therapy to talk out my issues, maybe get a formal diagnosis for whaterver is causing my issues. We'll see.