Grief Missing Someone Bad

[Robby]

I had an aunt who I was extremely close with she passed away a few years ago & I've had a very hard time with it. I lost my grandma when I was very young so she sort of took the place of that for me she was always there for me growing up sent me a card every birthday and christmas, always came and visited, she heard me out when I was having trouble and was just always there. She didn't care about my sexual orientation either she just loved me unconditionally. As a id she bought be toys, presents, but more importantly she was like a motivation for me just knowing she was around was a huge comfort to me and now she's dead And I knew I could tell her anything and it would go no farther. Nothing's been more painful than losing her.She's buried about 2 hours away from me unfortunately so I can't go visit her gravesite as often as I'd like. I'm having dreams about her, and feel her presence around me a lot. I hear her voice and her laugh in my head. But I can't call her or go see her and it really hurts. How do you deal with grief like this? My therapist told me to writer her a letter but I was afraid it would upset me too much. I almost feel like if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop so I don't let myself. I didn't get to see her as much as I wished during her last few years, although I was able to spend time with her a couple of days before she died. I was a pallbearer at her funeral I miss her so bad. I feel stuck with this grief & missing her & know she wouldn't want me to feel so sad but I can't help it I just miss her so bad it hurts sometimes. I feel all alone in the world, when it comes right down to it, nobody gives a crap about you but family. And she was really about all I had. I almost feel like it'd be easier if I lived closer to where she's buried because I could pay my respects more often but I just feel lonely now without her.

 

[Myway]

I have the same situation for my adopted grandpa. He died in 2009 and I have not gotten over it yet. What I do is I do situational things like set up to chairs and switch sides to help me understand his passing. It helps. I also talk to friends about it and I cry a lot to get out the stress, grief, and anxiety. I find that the more I think about him, the more it hurts. I try to take my mind off of him by putting other things in my life to keep me busy. I have some Deaf friends now because of his passing. I started learning sign language after he died and now I can live in another world and that helps me as well. Just some ideas.

 

[gonzerd]

I had an aunt who I was extremely close with she passed away a few years ago & I've had a very hard time with it. I lost my grandma when I was very young so she sort of took the place of that for me she was always there for me growing up sent me a card every birthday and christmas, always came and visited, she heard me out when I was having trouble and was just always there. She didn't care about my sexual orientation either she just loved me unconditionally. As a id she bought be toys, presents, but more importantly she was like a motivation for me just knowing she was around was a huge comfort to me and now she's dead And I knew I could tell her anything and it would go no farther. Nothing's been more painful than losing her.She's buried about 2 hours away from me unfortunately so I can't go visit her gravesite as often as I'd like. I'm having dreams about her, and feel her presence around me a lot. I hear her voice and her laugh in my head. But I can't call her or go see her and it really hurts. How do you deal with grief like this? My therapist told me to writer her a letter but I was afraid it would upset me too much. I almost feel like if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop so I don't let myself. I didn't get to see her as much as I wished during her last few years, although I was able to spend time with her a couple of days before she died. I was a pallbearer at her funeral I miss her so bad. I feel stuck with this grief & missing her & know she wouldn't want me to feel so sad but I can't help it I just miss her so bad it hurts sometimes. I feel all alone in the world, when it comes right down to it, nobody gives a crap about you but family. And she was really about all I had. I almost feel like it'd be easier if I lived closer to where she's buried because I could pay my respects more often but I just feel lonely now without her.

I'd say writing her a letter would be a good idea actually, as a way to process your grief. Don't worry about the crying too much; nobody cries forever. Yes, it hurts, but afterwards you'll feel better and maybe it'll make you feel less alone or at least a bit stronger so you can carry on for a while. Maybe make a small trip out of it and bring the letter to her grave. Take some time out for it and make sure there's something comforting to do when you get back to help your mind get into the next thing to do. Just a thought.
Take care.

 

[Robby]

Thanks for the sweet responses I'm having a hard time with it. It's been 4 years since she died I spent the first couple kind of denying that she was gone but now it's really hit me that she is & it hurts. I haven't had many people in my life and I'm an only child, so she was always very special. I think I've compartmentalized it a lot so I can get through the days but every single day I think about her many times and at night I often dream about her. I'm grateful that I was able to be with her shortly before she died I know she appreciated that but I feel like she got so sick so fast that I didn't really get to say goodbye. I try to be a strong person but this is really weighing me down a lot I do hope to visit her grave again on my own I went before but other people were with me so I didn't get to have as private a moment as I'd like. I miss her so bad it hurts sometimes. Guess I'll have to try and work through this some more with my therapist.

 

[Robby]

As of now I find that I can't think about her too much or I just get so sad that I want to cry. She lived a good life, she was 81 when she died but due to some medical mistakes & poor care at the end of her life, I feel like she went before her time. So there's that, that I have trouble with, I just try to think of other things but there's a big void I have her pictures in drawers because it hurts so much to even see them. It's been a rough few years I 'm just trying to work through this as best I can.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I know it's hard but it sounds like you need to let yourself cry. Personally, I think the letter is an excellent idea. You may not want to write it but once you start you will get into the flow and the emotion will carry you. You will cry, maybe a lot, but you will feel better. My impression is that your aunt is in your dreams because your brain is trying to process the grief but can't. The catharsis of crying and writing a letter to her will help.

My cousin, to whom I was very close and had a sisterly bond, suicided three years ago right before the birth of my daughter. I couldn't grieve, it was so painful and I needed to stay well for my baby. It was only recently I finally allowed myself to address my own guilt over her death and wrote to her. The effect was almost instantaneous. I felt lighter, that I had finally been able to say goodbye. Yes, it had to face dark feelings I had been avoiding, and I had to let my body cry it out, but it was the right thing.

 

[DC1346]

I had an aunt who I was extremely close with she passed away a few years ago & I've had a very hard time with it.

I lost my Aunt back in '95. I was working in Saudi Arabia and my employer wouldn't let me take compassionate leave because they told me that she was "only" an Aunt. I was closer to my Aunt than my mother who never gave me anything other than the frequent open handed slap across my face.

My Aunt gave me hugs (which I didn't really like) but she also listened to me. She was not judgmental. During my undergraduate years at the university, her home was always open to me for holidays, weekends, and throughout the summer.

I miss my Aunt the same way you probably miss yours. For the longest time, there was a hole in my heart but I've found that as the years have passed, I remember all of the good times we had and the moments we shared and so she lives on in my heart and in my memories ... and in my life as well since she was all about helping others. Her kindness and generosity to others is an example that I've always tried to emulate.

Nobody gives a crap about you but family.

That doesn't have to be true ... and my parents used to beat the crap out of me. My mother favored yardsticks or open handed slaps across my face. My father belted me. They knew I was different but didn't know why and they never sought a diagnosis because I embarrassed them.

You've lost your Aunt and for this I am very sorry ... but there's no reason you can't start your own family. There's no reason why you can't find a BFF. If nothing else, there's no reason you can't have some pets. I have three cats and they're fine company, though Bob (my avatar - so named because he has a bob-tail) can be a bit demanding at times.

Pet me! Feed me! Brush me! Feed me again! Not that food! The other food! NO! I meant kitty treats! Now pet me! That's enough petting! I need to nap! You've exhausted me!

(GRIN)

Pictured below is Bob ... all set to move from our home in Arizona to Nevada. This picture was taken three years ago.

 

[Robby]

Thanks for the sweet comment I love your kitty. He's lovely. Animals really do help. They're a natural anti-depressant. I'm trying to cope with not having my aunt around on a day by day basis by just trying to focus on and remember her amazing sense of humor, her laugh, how she made me happy whenever she would come visit or me visit her. It's hard because when I remember the good times I always end up feeling sad and missing her and wishing she was here too but I hope the pain will get less as time goes on. She was like another granny to me. I know if she was here she'd want me to snap out of it but she had a lot of other nieces and nephews but I was the youngest and she and I just had a very very special bond. She kept my pictures hanging in her house all the time and she saved everything I gave her all the trinkets and things over the years I'd give her. I just hold her on this pedastal she was the best and nobody else can ever match up to her. She was my rock.

I may try to bring myself to write her a letter. I hope eventually I can move closer to where I was born and where she is buried I feel like it would be healing for me to be able to visit her grave on a weekly basis and make sure she had flowers on it, it tears me up that I'm about 3 hours from her grave so I can't make sure she has regular flowers on her grave but for now Im going to try and remember the good times and work through missing her as bad as I am. Thanks again for sharing your cute kitty

 

[DC1346]

I may try to bring myself to write her a letter. I hope eventually I can move closer to where I was born and where she is buried I feel like it would be healing for me to be able to visit her grave on a weekly basis and make sure she had flowers on it, it tears me up that I'm about 3 hours from her grave so I can't make sure she has regular flowers on her grave but for now Im going to try and remember the good times and work through missing her as bad as I am.

Why don't you try this? Write a letter to your Aunt. Take the letter into your backyard. Burn the letter - for safety purposes do this in a grill but if you don't have a grill, do it in something nonflammable like a pot.

Let the fire die down and make sure there are no ashes. Take the ashes someplace restful like a park and scatter them so that the breeze can blow the ashes away.

As far as the nice kitty goes ... Bob is bugging me for a 2nd dinner. He typically eats a moist breakfast at 5 AM during the workweek and 6 AM on weekends. He also gets dinner at 4 PM (or whenever I get home). He has full access to all the dried food he can eat and all of the water he can drink but within the last year of so, he's decided that he wants a 2nd dinner. Starting around ... well ... NOW ... he'll begin badgering me for a 2nd dinner. He's already started with the meowing and pawing my leg. He's got the begging look down perfectly and will give me this big eyed sad, "I'm starving" kitty look which is ridiculous because he isn't starving.

If that doesn't work, he'll STARE AT ME for a long time. It's pretty unnerving because cats don't need to blink as often as we do.

And if that doesn't work, he'll go someplace out of line of sight (where I can't throw things at him like socks or paperbacks) and he'll start a screaming tantrum. I really hate it when he does this.

And when THAT doesn't work, if I'm sitting in my lazy boy recliner watching TV, he'll hop up onto the armrest and will plant his forefeet on my chest so he can make nose to nose contact with me.

He's very persistent.

(sigh)

 

[DC1346]

And just in case you were wondering, yes - Bob always gets a 2nd dinner ... but not when he's screaming. I don't want to encourage that sort of behavior. I usually give in when he's on my chest staring at me eye to eye. The clincher is the head butt because that's a feline way of saying, "I love you." That gets me every time.

 

[Robby]

Thanks again for your suggestions I'm not sure I'm ready to write the letter just yet because it's still very painful and I want to keep her in my head might ask my therapist about it next time I see her and what her ideas are. I have the good memories of my aunt and always will I know she is with me I can feel her, but it's still painful because of how close we were & I didn't get to see her as much as I wanted in her last few years but I take comfort in that I know how much she loved me it's painful though because I know nobody in the entire world thinks of me or loves me the way she did, but I am just taking it day by day grief is a very slow thing.

I like Bob, he looks like a very sweet kitty, like every kitty he knows what he likes and what his needs are, and isn't shy about letting you know lol. I like your gray one in the background too. I have an adorable little poodle that is keeping me going but I also love kitties always have, they're so sweet and quiet & funny they make me laugh.

 

[DC1346]

it's painful though because I know nobody in the entire world thinks of me or loves me the way she did, but I am just taking it day by day grief is a very slow thing.

And how would your Aunt feel if she saw you moping about? I know my Aunt would have had some quiet words for me ... softly said and kindly meant ... but sharp words none the less.

I understand your grief but it's time for you to move forward. No good will come of wallowing in self pity.

If your Aunt was half as a amazing as mine, she'd want you to celebrate her life by getting out there and finding yourself a bit of happiness. She wouldn't want to see you filled with loneliness and grief.

You and I will NEVER find another person will love us the way our Aunts did ... but the love my Aunt felt for me is still there in my heart ... and my Aunt Mully still lives and breathes and laughs and smiles in my memories.

It is time for you to move on. Keep the memories of your Aunt alive in your heart but instead of thinking about how much you miss her, think about what she would say if she were there with you now. Would she have wanted you to be so grief stricken or would she have wanted you to get on with the business of living?

 

[BlueConundrum]

Grief has its own timeline. Take as long as you need. It sounds like she was a great lady!

I believe in a very loose definition of "family" but that's because of my wacky upbringing. I live and was born in the US, but my parents both moved here (from different countries, even) as adults. So I don't have any extended family here. Also, my parents had bad relationships with their families, so I didn't even know that I had cousins until I was 21 or so! My mother has been dead for ages and I haven't talked to my father in 13 years or my evil sibling for about 10 years.

But I have deeply loved friends of mine. I'm not sure that was reciprocated, but I do feel a lot of love for certain people. And animals!

Everyone who I feel loved me unconditionally is now dead. It's a horrible thing to realize. But you don't know who's going to love you in the future, and you don't know who you're going to love.

It hurts, I know. Eventually it stops. I think that some of us might take longer to process things. I had a cat die over a year ago and I still sob about it more often than I like to admit. I'm not "over" my mother's death, either, but I manage. It just takes a REALLY LONG TIME.

 

[Robby]

It's been 4 years and I'm still mourning her. She was so special to me we connected like nobody else. She adored me & it was mutual. In the coming year I hope to be able to visit her grave and pay my respects. I'm having a very hard time getting past the grief. I know she wouldn't want me to feel sad but I can't help it. I also feel guilt. I was able to visit her in the hospital before she died, but the last time I saw her she was in immense physical pain, and the whole day she was crying out she was in so much pain. The last time I saw her she was in the local hospital ER in bed and she was in a very bad way. The next day they moved her to a larger hospital and she died there a few days later. I wasn't able to see her again. I feel so bad and guilty over that, at the time I was just in shock and numb to it, but now I am deeply hurt by not being able to be with her when she died although I know I couldn't have done anything. And I'm angry at her husband who is still living because he wouldn't move her to what I felt was a better hospital and might could have prolonged her life. I'm just so angry and sad about it and she didn't deserve to go like that. I just want to somehow come to terms with it and for her to know how much I loved her and wish that I could have done better for her.

 

[DC1346]

You're stuck in a negative loop of grief and you need to snap yourself out of it because this really isn't doing you any good.

By your own admission, she would not have liked seeing you in your current condition. Honor your Aunt's memory by leading a good life and by being the best person you can be.

What were her interests? Did she ever do any volunteer work? If so, you could carry on the tradition by emulating her example.

How did she show others that she cared for them? Emulate her example by first caring for yourself.

It is okay to grieve ... healthy even to vent negative emotions ... but have you truly been grieving for four years or is this grief rather recent and if so, what triggered it?

It's time to move on. Let go of the grief. Think about the happiness she brought into your life. Treasure those memories. Celebrate her life by living yours to the best and fullest extent possible.

What's past is past and cannot be undone. You're stuck in a rut and you need to move forward both for yourself and for the love of her memory.