Getting sexual needs met-sensitive

[sisselcakes]

I'm desperate for Aspies' input. Need help in how to communicate about sex and my needs.

I am very attracted to my boyfriend. Once I told him that and he said "no one has ever told me that. I don't know how to respond." I said "you don't have to. I'm just telling you." He cracks me up sometimes.

Just as any couple can have, we have different sex drives, mine is stronger. That's ok. It's workable.

On top of this he has quirks and I bring issues into our relationship that predate meeting him. Specifically, it is painful for me to speak about sex explicitly. Hard to use certain words. Hard to give instructions. Hard for me to ask my needs be met.

His physical needs are met on a regular basis with some extra treats in between. This causes a couple problems. 1. Because his libido is lower, he feels satisfied for a while after. Even though he has on multiple occasions said he feels guilty that I'm not satisfied after we make love, he doesn't seem to initiate other ways he could please me even when I've verbally praised him in the past. 2. Resentment has accumulated over time because it's inequitable. He is satisfied and I feel he doesn't take any initiative or go out of his way to try. Funny thing is his technique is excellent!!

I was pisssed when I tried an exercise my therapist asked me to do - ask my bf for something. So, I asked him to touch me for 15 minutes with no intention I would have an orgasm. Because the subject is uncomfortable, I came across as bossy and he got angry that I was "ordering" him to do something, saying 15 minutes is a long time. Lol. Clueless how hard it was to ask and not wanting him to feel obligated, he reacted to my approach. Totally understandable. When he finally did it for me, he stopped and said 15 minutes had passed, exactly like the instructions I gave him. Lollll. Poor thing was just trying to literally follow instructions.


I realize this is probably 90% my "fault" because I cringe at having to ask my needs be met. He is the first guy I've ever even tried to express these things to.

I think just from writing this, I've clarified for myself what needs to happen. Seems I need to work on my own discomfort and ask directly what I need. Maybe we can read some articles together, though I can guarantee you he knows more than what his behavior would suggest.

Would love to hear from others.

 

[Catlover614]

I'm the exact opposite in the sex department. I don't want it as often as my boyfriend does. I confess that I want it to be over and done with quickly. I actually feel like I have been violated. I know sex is an important part of a relationship, but it makes me uncomfortable to be thought of as a sex object. What I like best is true intimacy where we bond over shared interests and talking about our dreams, passions,and desires. And, the foreplay needs to last more than 5 minutes,lol.
Kissing passionately and tenderly is what lights my fire.

 

[sisselcakes]

I'm the exact opposite in the sex department. I don't want it as often as my boyfriend does. I confess that I want it to be over and done with quickly. I actually feel like I have been violated. I know sex is an important part of a relationship, but I don't like the fluids and it makes me uncomfortable to be thought of as a sex object. What I like best is true intimacy where we bond over shared interests and talking about our dreams, passions,and desires. And, the foreplay needs to last more than 5 minutes,lol.
Kissing passionately and tenderly is what lights my fire.

I loved getting your response. It must be a terrible feeling to feel violated. I feel the same way about intimacy with regard to sharing passions. . I'm able to feel that intimacy when we connect physically as well. Funny how we are all so different, huh? Blood really grosses him out so there's a period of time during the month were sex is off limits.

I love kissing too. My bf thinks I'm a great kisser. Little does he know he ain't seen nothing. Lol. Because it feels weird to him with full tongue contact, we rarely get THAT passionate kissing and when he does do it for my sake he says he doesn't get how that's a turn on.

 

[Catlover614]

I loved getting your response. It must be a terrible feeling to feel violated. I feel the same way about intimacy with regard to sharing passions. . I'm able to feel that intimacy when we connect physically as well. Funny how we are all so different, huh? Blood really grosses him out so there's a period of time during the month were sex is off limits.

I love kissing too. My bf thinks I'm a great kisser. Little does he know he ain't seen nothing. Lol. Because it feels weird to him with full tongue contact, we rarely get THAT passionate kissing and when he does do it for my sake he says he doesn't get how that's a turn on.

I get a great feeling of peace when I'm menstruating because that gives me a 4 day vacation, LMAO, he won't pressure me for sex during that time! Yes, it's definitely funny that even though we identify the same with social awkwardness and sensory issues, etc, yet we're very different. I've never even been out on a real date before. One thing for sure I absolutely know is that if there isn't mutual connection, sex isn't happening....period! I hope you and your boyfriend's love lasts forever.

 

[watersprite]

ybe we can read some articles together, though I can guarantee you he knows more than what his behavior would suggest.

Maybe as a way in to the subject as well as changing his behavior you could ask advice directly from him - express interest in his knowledge instead of reading together. In the mean time, there's always masturbation.

 

[garnetflower13]

Maybe this should be in the Adult section?

 

[sisselcakes]

Maybe as a way in to the subject as well as changing his behavior you could ask advice directly from him - express interest in his knowledge instead of reading together. In the mean time, there's always masturbation.

Two great ideas! Hadn't thought of the first, then he can say all the words I'm uncomfortable saying. LOL.

 

[WistfulAutumn]

With my relationships sex has always been very fetishy, always "themed" i guess, not like roleplaying but about some specific body part or action or taboo, but it was always something we kind of came up with together, so sex was never a give-and-take "here is something for you, okay now you do me..." but much more centered around this shared kink. What I'm trying to say is it was very mutual, because I only really was turned on by the fact the other person was into it too, so maybe you could find a kink both you and he like, and then make sex about the thing rather than "taking care of his needs", so its more about the two of you sharing the experience and building trust. But I would have been mad too if someone ordered me to do [x] for [y] minutes.

 

[sisselcakes]

With my relationships sex has always been very fetishy, always "themed" i guess, not like roleplaying but about some specific body part or action or taboo, but it was always something we kind of came up with together, so sex was never a give-and-take "here is something for you, okay now you do me..." but much more centered around this shared kink. What I'm trying to say is it was very mutual, because I only really was turned on by the fact the other person was into it too, so maybe you could find a kink both you and he like, and then make sex about the thing rather than "taking care of his needs", so its more about the two of you sharing the experience and building trust. But I would have been mad too if someone ordered me to do [x] for [y] minutes.

I completely agree. My approach wasn't very kind or cooperative. I can understand how he would have felt ordered to do something. It was my own discomfort with the subject that made me communicate that way. We worked that through.

Thank you for a great idea about sharing some common interest. It will be fun trying to discover what that might be . He's really trying to be more responsive. I told him the other day that I needed sex within the following two nights and he was in the room within an hour. LOL.

Love that guy!

 

[sisselcakes]

Maybe this should be in the Adult section?

Oops. Not familiar with the different areas. I agree. Is it possible to move or maybe just delete?

 

[garnetflower13]

Oops. Not familiar with the different areas. I agree. Is it possible to move or maybe just delete?

You can ask a moderator to move it. I think you can pm one of them.

 

[CaptainMatthew]

I completely agree. My approach wasn't very kind or cooperative. I can understand how he would have felt ordered to do something. It was my own discomfort with the subject that made me communicate that way. We worked that through.

Thank you for a great idea about sharing some common interest. It will be fun trying to discover what that might be . He's really trying to be more responsive. I told him the other day that I needed sex within the following two nights and he was in the room within an hour. LOL.

Love that guy!

I can only speak for myself, and I've become pretty good at keeping it all inside, but I'd like to share my perspective as my experiences lend to both the op and the reply above. I've always had a hard time with the communication side of listening to needs and trying to meet said needs as desired. This approach has always felt forced as I'm to follow a script, something easily done, but lacks the spontaneity and genuine "spark" good love making has. I had approached sexual relations in a very compartmentalized way. Within the relationships that were happy and fulfilling, I listened to needs and was granted boundaries to work within, not exact orders, this gave me freedom to initiate as I saw fit. We also talked about my needs and how I saw my role and method of meeting my needs within boundaries. Talk during intimacy is a total buzz kill for me. I think once both circles or boundaries were established outside of intimacy during normal conversational times we could then find the overlap of circles to mutually work on mutual fulfillment. I think it's nice to meet the others needs regardless of "getting off" myself. I enjoy seeing them happy. Having a high drive it is difficult though when a partner denies your desires or corrects or criticizes while being spontaneous, and causes freezing up later out of fear of not pleasing. I know that when I'm given permission to initiate when I want to and work within the "ideal desires" it seems both partners win more. Clear communication with margins for creativity or improv helps keep it always more fun, less predictable and easier for me to feel safe to act. The last thing I would ever want to do is have a intended pleasing act turn into a bad or not gratifying misunderstanding or lackluster performance. Scripted scenes causes stage fright for me as I'm acting, not being genuinely myself, and I deserve to love and be loved just like I am.

 

[Catlover614]

I can only speak for myself, and I've become pretty good at keeping it all inside, but I'd like to share my perspective as my experiences lend to both the op and the reply above. I've always had a hard time with the communication side of listening to needs and trying to meet said needs as desired. This approach has always felt forced as I'm to follow a script, something easily done, but lacks the spontaneity and genuine "spark" good love making has. I had approached sexual relations in a very compartmentalized way. Within the relationships that were happy and fulfilling, I listened to needs and was granted boundaries to work within, not exact orders, this gave me freedom to initiate as I saw fit. We also talked about my needs and how I saw my role and method of meeting my needs within boundaries. Talk during intimacy is a total buzz kill for me. I think once both circles or boundaries were established outside of intimacy during normal conversational times we could then find the overlap of circles to mutually work on mutual fulfillment. I think it's nice to meet the others needs regardless of "getting off" myself. I enjoy seeing them happy. Having a high drive it is difficult though when a partner denies your desires or corrects or criticizes while being spontaneous, and causes freezing up later out of fear of not pleasing. I know that when I'm given permission to initiate when I want to and work within the "ideal desires" it seems both partners win more. Clear communication with margins for creativity or improv helps keep it always more fun, less predictable and easier for me to feel safe to act. The last thing I would ever want to do is have a intended pleasing act turn into a bad or not gratifying misunderstanding or lackluster performance. Scripted scenes causes stage fright for me as I'm acting, not being genuinely myself, and I deserve to love and be loved just like I am.

Well put! This is exactly how it should be.

 

[Tom]

I think guys can have a clueless/indifference with sex. But they are teachable. Sometimes. Anyway let him know the current situation is not fair. He gets to climax, and you do not (if I understand correctly). So no more free ride.

I use a basic system to ensure its always fair. There might be some general foreplay but once we get down to business we bring my wife to climax first. That means doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes. With practice its not a problem and you can concentrate more on going for multiple climaxes and setting a new record.

But in there you have to teach the guy how to do it. Besides verbalizing, showing/demonstrating can be helpful. Also use hand over hand. That is your hand guiding his, etc.

If he doesn't get to climax until you do, he might all of a sudden find himself more attentive.

Fair is Fair.

 

[Catlover614]

I think guys can have a clueless/indifference with sex. But they are teachable. Sometimes. Anyway let him know the current situation is not fair. He gets to climax, and you do not (if I understand correctly). So no more free ride.

I use a basic system to ensure its always fair. There might be some general foreplay but once we get down to business we bring my wife to climax first. That means doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes. With practice its not a problem and you can concentrate more on going for multiple climaxes and setting a new record.

But in there you have to teach the guy how to do it. Besides verbalizing, showing/demonstrating can be helpful. Also use hand over hand. That is your hand guiding his, etc.

If he doesn't get to climax until you do, he might all of a sudden find himself more attentive.

Fair is Fair.

Very good, Tom. Need more guys who don't mind being taught.

 

[CaptainMatthew]

I think guys can have a clueless/indifference with sex. But they are teachable. Sometimes. Anyway let him know the current situation is not fair. He gets to climax, and you do not (if I understand correctly). So no more free ride.

I use a basic system to ensure its always fair. There might be some general foreplay but once we get down to business we bring my wife to climax first. That means doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes. With practice its not a problem and you can concentrate more on going for multiple climaxes and setting a new record.

But in there you have to teach the guy how to do it. Besides verbalizing, showing/demonstrating can be helpful. Also use hand over hand. That is your hand guiding his, etc.

If he doesn't get to climax until you do, he might all of a sudden find himself more attentive.

Fair is Fair.

I TOTALLY agree with your statement above, however I would like to expand on the "Fair is Fair" quote. As a man I enjoy learning new things, each and every person is an individual and requires different needs. As an Aspi man I require different needs, (not the act, but how I interact) IMHO if the man is required to learn the intricacies of his partner, they should also make efforts to learn the intricacies of him, not some generalized generic person, we don't ALL like it the same way. After all "Fair is Fair" right???

 

[Tom]

I TOTALLY agree with your statement above, however I would like to expand on the "Fair is Fair" quote. As a man I enjoy learning new things, each and every person is an individual and requires different needs. As an Aspi man I require different needs, (not the act, but how I interact) IMHO if the man is required to learn the intricacies of his partner, they should also make efforts to learn the intricacies of him, not some generalized generic person, we don't ALL like it the same way. After all "Fair is Fair" right???

I was mainly addressing this from a typical (straight) man perspective, of all types, NT and ASD. The common lack of knowledge of how the female sexual system functions and the tendency to take the easy way out rather then take the time to learn and improve.

I understand what your saying in the sense it is analogous to whats required of an NT to understand and get in harmony with an autistic person. As is the case vice-versa. A meeting of the minds like a meeting of the bodies.

As far as there being any uniquely autistic tendencies in sex, I am not aware of it. There may be something, I have just never heard of one being identified. What I hear is a very wide variety as it is with NTs

 

[sisselcakes]

Maybe this should be in the Adult section?

Sent a comment to the moderators so hopefully they will check into it Thanks for picking up on it and now I think I'll go peruse the adult discussion area. LOL

 

[Shiznown]

Have you guys tried having him try a testosterone booster? They are known for increasing libido in men. The thing is, most test boosters are ONLY good for raising libido, even though they are marketed mainly for increased muscle growth. There are tons out there. "Horny goat weed" is a popular cheap one.

 

[Shiznown]

Diet can play a huge part in libido also.