Friendship, trust, and emotions

[krisi]

So...

I have always been blessed to have friends. If I want to hang out with someone, I know that at least 1 person will respond and we will find something fun to do. I have a few "close" friends, but I"m not exactly sure what that means. Sometimes I have someone that I may refer to as my "best friend", but that never lasts very long. Therein lies the problem.

I have issues with my emotions (anyone on else here experience this?). Sometimes things just become too much, and I shut down, or break down, or melt down (all of which are slightly different, I'll explain if someone asks). People just don't want to deal with that. So, on the one hand, some friends expect that will share your emotions with them. "Close" friends and "best" friends are supposed to be people that you can count on to be supportive and understanding most of the time. I hear people say "She/he's my best friend. I can tell him/her anything." On the other hand, as previously stated, people just don't want to deal with the fact that I just shut down sometimes. People get irritated. I've given it some thought, and I think it scares people because they don't know what to do, particularly if I'm having trouble expressing why I'm acting the way I am, or if there isn't a clear reason for it.

I've had enough friends leave me because of my emotional issues that I really find it hard to trust friends who say they love me, even if I believe they are being genuinely sincere. I am often told this when meltdowns/shutdowns/breakdowns occur, and all I can do is wonder "for how long?", because I know they won't want to keep dealing with that.

Also, it feels like I am often everyone's "second choice"--as long as they have nothing better to do, they'll hang out with me. If their "best friend" is away for the weekend, then they ask if I want to hang out. If they're fighting with their boyfriend, they call me and ask if we can hang out and talk until they feel better. If another friend calls them after they have already made plans with me, they cancel on me instead of telling their other friend that they already had plans. I don't know if this has something to do with the issues I've discussed above, or if it's totally an unrelated issue, but it's been bothering me, too.

I now have a very good friend who has been very patient with me every time something has happened (which has been a lot more frequently recently due to stress and other life circumstances that are hard to deal with), and I really appreciate her kindness, but I'm scared of losing her. That anxiety in and of itself creates emotional issues when we're together and makes me more likely to shut down.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any advice at all in keeping friends, being honest about emotions, controlling emotions, or anything else mentioned here? Anything would be appreciated.

"TLDR People": Sorry it's long.If you don't feel like reading the whole thing, just read the bold text.

 

[Sean2222]

friends who say they love me, even if I believe they are being genuinely sincere. I am often told this when meltdowns/shutdowns/breakdowns occur, and all I can do is wonder "for how long?", because I know they won't want to keep dealing with that.

Also, it feels like I am often everyone's "second choice"--as long as they have nothing better to do, they'll hang out with me. If their "best friend" is away for the weekend, then they ask if I want to hang out. If they're fighting with their boyfriend, they call me and ask if we can hang out and talk until they feel better. If another friend calls them after they have already made plans with me, they cancel on me instead of telling their other friend that they already had plans. I don't know if this has something to do with the issues I've discussed above, or if it's totally an unrelated issue, but it's been bothering me, too.

I now have a very good friend who has been very patient with me every time something has happened (which has been a lot more frequently recently due to stress and other life circumstances that are hard to deal with), and I really appreciate her kindness, but I'm scared of losing her. That anxiety in and of itself creates emotional issues when we're together and makes me more likely to shut down.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any advice at all in keeping friends, being honest about emotions, controlling emotions, or anything else mentioned here? Anything would be appreciated.

"TLDR People": Sorry it's long.If you don't feel like reading the whole thing, just read the bold text.

Hi Krisi,

Of course you know based on what we have talled about Krisi that majority of these things are daily issues for me. And its always a fight/challenge to make others (nt's) see that these parts of me that are different than them are not a bad thing. But just part of who I am. I alays fear losing people too because it has happened and I see it happening when others don't understand these things. Even when you freely share things sbout yourself, sometimes they still ignore them and still choose to see you their way. For example the periods where I have to be alone (that can last days) as being a knock against them. Or an indication of something that isn't the case. But I have never been 'blessed' as you with friends. I always have had to put in an extreme amount of effort, just like on all things.

Emotions out of control- an understatement at times and more reason for others to see me as different and strange. And they will leave you for this reason. But not the ones who truly understand you and are worthy of you. The numbers that misunderstand are many. But those who realize just a handful.

Second choice, well it's a good thing Isee things really easily. Otherwise I might be pursuaded to believe that this wasn't the case. But it has been for me in the past when trying to have male friends. They would always promis to hang out and then not show up or use an excuse why they didn't have time or changed their mind. Yet they were hanging out with someone else instead a good amount of the times. But again, those that tyreat you that way are worthless and are not even worthy of your "second choice" if you think about it.

I have no advice on keeping friends other than to treat them as you would want to be treated yourself. And always be honest, loyal, and yourself.

Being honest about your emotions with yourself is more important being that way with others. You need to be more self-aware and to embrace all of your so called differences which will translate to others seeing you ina better light.


-sean-

 

[richbebo]

Krisi, a problem that persists with us on the autistic spectrum is that we cannot tell people's intensions towards us and are usually very accepting to anyone , therefor we are to trusting and usually end up calling people who are just going to use us "friends". Freinds are people who respect you and treat you the same way as the rest of there friends. People who ditch you for someone else and wouldn't do the same the other way round you cant really call freinds and you are better off without them, you dont have to tell them this or be rude to them about it, just dont go running everytime they want you to do something and keep your distance. You are not the only one who gets this, i myself have made the mistake many atime of trusting fake freinds and ended up doing them favours to get there aproval, but if i want a favour its a different story. For me i'd rather have less friends and not get used then have friends that dont treat me like they should. Absoloutly nothing wrong with just looking out for 1# from time to time.

 

[Sean2222]

Krisi, a problem that persists with us on the autistic spectrum is that we cannot tell people's intensions towards us and are usually very accepting to anyone , therefor we are to trusting and usually end up calling people who are just going to use us "friends". Freinds are people who respect you and treat you the same way as the rest of there friends. People who ditch you for someone else and wouldn't do the same the other way round you cant really call freinds and you are better off without them, you dont have to tell them this or be rude to them about it, just dont go running everytime they want you to do something and keep your distance. You are not the only one who gets this, i myself have made the mistake many atime of trusting fake freinds and ended up doing them favours to get there aproval, but if i want a favour its a different story. For me i'd rather have less friends and not get used then have friends that dont treat me like they should. Absoloutly nothing wrong with just looking out for 1# from time to time.

That's an overgeneralization there. I read others' intentions and motivations very well, especially females. So count yourself into that problem man, but not everyone else on here. If you are too accepting to what everyone tells you then you are setting yourself up to be hurt. I used to trust everyone way too much and they would always use it against me. But I didn't do it because I was fooled into it. But because I wanted so much to have friends and fit in. So I would go against how I truly felt just to be accepted. And it never worked anyway. But it did serve as fodder for many to make fun of me though.

I kind of went the other way with it and I don't trust very many people/things that don't equate to my emotional state, how I perceive or experience things, or that just don't feel right to me. I know who and what is b.s. Again you need to get better with actually intuitively knowing things and people (and your emotions) and stop thinking so logically. It will get you nowhere. That's where your lack of empathy also plays into this that I brought up before. Experience will always make you better with things. For me they have always come naturally though.

Yes there are a good amount of selfish users (that are not friends) and it's good you realize that. But you didn't say anything I didn't already say before. Kind of like a politician lol. But in the end noone is any better off or wiser, just more dumbfounded at why you just restated the obvious and made it your own lol.

-sean-

 

[142857]

That's an overgeneralization there. I read others' intentions and motivations very well, especially females. So count yourself into that problem man, but not everyone else on here.

Sean,

I think NBD's take on this is vastly more typical of aspies/HFAs than yours. If you are an aspie then you are a very atypical aspie, perhaps with a bit of a chip on your shoulder about it. Perhaps you need to chill out a bit.

This is where the whole empathy question comes in, although personally I think that it is an extension of the lack of "theory of mind" that characterises many on the autism spectrum. I don't read others' intentions and motivations well at all. All other aspies and autistic people I have known have been the same way - although I admit that I haven't personally known an enormous number of aspies.

I like to have friends who see me as human, with flaws and fears and anxieties, just in slightly different ways to most others. Some of my friends have tended to see me as someone who never needs help or support, who is strong and rational and always in control, who chooses solitude because he prefers solitude. Maybe this is because I analyse everything in life to the nth degree, and because I rarely lose control or show any emotion at all (despite what I am feeling underneath), and I try to be a good listener and I try to offer my friends rational advice. But the bottom line is that I don't need friends to feed my ego, as my ego is perfectly capable of sustaining itself without any outside help. How to find friends who can relate to the real you is the tricky part.

It does get harder to trust people the more you get let down as a result of that trust. Sometimes I choose solitude because interpersonal relationships are such a minefield when you lack the ability to "see through" to people's real motivations and intentions, as Nerd-By-Default mentioned.

As for being "second choice" as Krisi mentioned in the OP, does it really matter? If you have a friend to hang out with does it matter if he/she would probably be hanging out with their NT friends at a nightclub if they were in a better mood? I would concentrate on being the best "2nd choice" friend that I could be, and with a bit of luck you might find yourself becoming "first choice" more often. The fact is that if you didn't have something to offer in the way of friendship that other people cannot, chances are they wouldn't be choosing to hang out with you at all.

 

[BruceCM_Aspergic]

If NTs really could judge intentions, etc, I'd not get most of the problems I do. So, it's not really just Aspies. At least most of us probably know we can't judge whereas most NTs believe they can!

 

[Sean2222]

Sean,

I think NBD's take on this is vastly more typical of aspies/HFAs than yours. If you are an aspie then you are a very atypical aspie, perhaps with a bit of a chip on your shoulder about it. Perhaps you need to chill out a bit.

This is where the whole empathy question comes in, although personally I think that it is an extension of the lack of "theory of mind" that characterises many on the autism spectrum. I don't read others' intentions and motivations well at all. All other aspies and autistic people I have known have been the same way - although I admit that I haven't personally known an enormous number of aspies.

I like to have friends who see me as human, with flaws and fears and anxieties, just in slightly different ways to most others. Some of my friends have tended to see me as someone who never needs help or support, who is strong and rational and always in control, who chooses solitude because he prefers solitude. Maybe this is because I analyse everything in life to the nth degree, and because I rarely lose control or show any emotion at all (despite what I am feeling underneath), and I try to be a good listener and I try to offer my friends rational advice. But the bottom line is that I don't need friends to feed my ego, as my ego is perfectly capable of sustaining itself without any outside help. How to find friends who can relate to the real you is the tricky part.

It does get harder to trust people the more you get let down as a result of that trust. Sometimes I choose solitude because interpersonal relationships are such a minefield when you lack the ability to "see through" to people's real motivations and intentions, as Nerd-By-Default mentioned.

As for being "second choice" as Krisi mentioned in the OP, does it really matter? If you have a friend to hang out with does it matter if he/she would probably be hanging out with their NT friends at a nightclub if they were in a better mood? I would concentrate on being the best "2nd choice" friend that I could be, and with a bit of luck you might find yourself becoming "first choice" more often. The fact is that if you didn't have something to offer in the way of friendship that other people cannot, chances are they wouldn't be choosing to hang out with you at all.

Last time I checked, this thread wasn't about me. As far as chip on shoulders, that person would be you. I'm not the one posting one-sided clueless bitter male viewpoints in every thread just because you can't figure out females to save your life. And misinformation that is just as biased. Again that would be you I actually know what I am talking about it because I have lived these issues forever. I also see everyone as an individual as they truly are. You should try it.

Furthermore, no two people are the same or fit the typical mold for being a "typical" aspie. Or typical anything. Stop stereotyping and grouping everyone together because we are NOT all the same. I can tell you I read the dsm and am quite sure I have far more aspie characteristics than you since I fit practically everyone in the book. Meaning your judgements of me are as irrelevant as your biased male oriented viewpoints.
I just happen to have certain strengths you don't have, so don't be jealous.

Again, you are overgeneralizing and trying to group everyone into a convenient friendly little package. Everyone is different and unique in their own ways. That's what makes every person so interesting. Well at least I think so. So please keep my name out of your words if you don't have something ocnstructive to say. You are only robbing others of their identity. And you wonder why you are so clueless

 

[krisi]

It does get harder to trust people the more you get let down as a result of that trust. Sometimes I choose solitude because interpersonal relationships are such a minefield when you lack the ability to "see through" to people's real motivations and intentions, as Nerd-By-Default mentioned.

As for being "second choice" as Krisi mentioned in the OP, does it really matter? If you have a friend to hang out with does it matter if he/she would probably be hanging out with their NT friends at a nightclub if they were in a better mood? I would concentrate on being the best "2nd choice" friend that I could be, and with a bit of luck you might find yourself becoming "first choice" more often. The fact is that if you didn't have something to offer in the way of friendship that other people cannot, chances are they wouldn't be choosing to hang out with you at all.

Thanks This is probably the best, and most encouraging advice anyone has given to me about this, even if it will be difficult to follow, particularly regarding "being second choice." Sometimes I get so stuck on feeling like someone would rather be with someone else that I feel hurt even when they are with me, even if I know they have the best of intentions. Then I get anxious, and it's hard to be the "best second choice friend that I can be," because I'm so stuck on feeling anxious. I guess it will be getting past that anxiety that will help. What you said about having something to offer, and that is why I am still "second choice" rather than "not a choice at all," is encouraging. I will do my best to keep that in mind, and hopefully it will lessen some of the anxiety I feel when I am around my friends.

...I've actually wondered since the beginning of this school year (late August) if I had been developing social anxiety....

 

[Sean2222]

Hey Krisi,

No other place to put this for obvious reasons, so it goes here...

How are you? Did your exams turn out the way you wanted? I know you must have done well, but you know there are other things below the surface that will cause your social anxiety to get worse... I wonder if we could jump up to a higher percentile in maintaining conversations. But only if your electricity cooperates of course But you know what I am really asking you

ttys.

-sean-