Friendly or flirting?

[Catlover614]

How can you tell if someone is flirting with you or just trying to be friendly? I'm old fashioned in that I like the guy to make the first move. I know that I'm definitely not good at flirting. What are some unmistakable ways to know if it's flirting or friendly?

 

[midlife aspie]

I have found that the difference is mostly encoded in body language and mannerisms. If you can't decode them, you are better off assuming they are simply being friendly.

 

[Catlover614]

That's an excellent question that I hope someone can answer, because I have encountered some very awkward situations over the years because I misinterpreted some "signal."

Frankly, I have never seen the purpose for flirting because it can lead to the difficulties I mentioned. I know it's part of the mating/courting ritual, as easily seen in the animal world, but I'd just as soon be told, "I think you're hot and would like to get to know you better" than have someone play meaningless word games with me.

I sometimes think that John Nash's direct is approach is the best, as it eliminates any doubt as to one's intentions:

I love that answer . I prefer bluntness myself, but I admit I love to be winked at too.

 

[clg114]

I believe that this inability to tell the difference between friendly and flirting is due to our problems with non-verbal communication. Face to face communication is full of non-verbal signs and signals that most of us miss. This is why most Aspies take things so literally. If your not picking up on these signs and signals, how are supposed to tell the difference?

 

[Catlover614]

I believe that this inability to tell the difference between friendly and flirting is due to our problems with non-verbal communication. Face to face communication is full of non-verbal signs and signals that most of us miss. This is why most Aspies take things so literally. If your not picking up on these signs and signals, how are supposed to tell the difference?

I do take things so literally that someone would have to tell me, "This is flirting" and then proceed.

 

[Suzanne]

There was a time that I couldn't at all, but seems that I am radar now for knowing and it is pretty uncomfortable.

Try talking with a guy about something pretty normal and see the change in his face and body and mutter a quick excuse and darts away and each time you see him, he blushes furiously? I hate being so aware! One time, he actually whispered: you know you are beautiful! The thing was it was so fast, that I thought I misheard, but because of what he said, I felt deeply embarrassed. We are both married and I do not have "feelings" for him. He is a great guy and used to work with a male aspie, but he has a dry sense of humor, that I take literally, but he is very gentle when he says: I am only teasing.

I feel really uncomfortable being able to tell the difference now, but I cannot tell you when that occurred, because when I was younger, it was my sister who would often prod me and say: are you stupid or something? Can't you see he fancies you and i was like: what? The guy was just talking to me; a bit rich of me to assume he fancied me!!!

What I get stuck on, is not being able to tell the difference when I am being friendly or flirting. According to my husband, I flirt outrageous and to me, it is just being friendly. Yes, I smile and laugh, but do not say suggestive things. However if a guy looked at me in that certain way, I would recipicate it and feel horrible for that.

 

[Judge]

Flirting? Oh my. I've been told I'm oblivious to it.

I guess so if I have to be told...and not to know myself.

 

[Catlover614]

Flirting? Oh my. I've been told I'm oblivious to it.

I guess so if I have to be told...and not to know myself.

I'm pretty sure that there's many of us who are oblivious to flirting signals. you'd have to beat me over the head with it,lol

 

[Judge]

I'm pretty sure that there's many of us who are oblivious to flirting signals. you'd have to beat me over the head with it,lol

I was just wondering how this dynamic plays into those of us who are more or less aromantic as well. It's not a trait I'm happy about, but I must admit I've always felt on inability to comprehend and project being romantic to a degree NT women would want or appreciate.

Even decades before even understanding that I might be on the spectrum, I was never about to admit such things to my NT girlfriends. I'd think it would have been one of those "deal-breakers" to my relationships that failed anyways. Catch-22

 

[Catlover614]

I was just wondering how this dynamic plays into those of us who are more or less aromantic as well. It's not a trait I'm happy about, but I must admit I've always felt on inability to comprehend and project being romantic to a degree NT women would want or appreciate.

Even decades before even understanding that I might be on the spectrum, I was never about to admit such things to my NT girlfriends. I'd think it would have been one of those "deal-breakers" to my relationships that failed anyways. Catch-22

Totally agree! Catch 22 always ends with me kicking my own a$$. If only I had been more responsive to compliments instead of reasoning them away, I could've potentially had a good relationship. I'm good at giving, but not receiving.

 

[jellyhead]

I'm forever getting myself in trouble with this , but in a different way , where my behaviour is often misconstrued as flirting ..
Because I have an excellent ( almost photographic ) memory & because I'm curious I tend to ask people a lot of questions about themselves ( which also acts as a way of not being asked too much about myself ) it leads to my getting in trouble as I pay attention to what they say ,remember all of it & can throw stuff back in the conversation or later conversations that most peeps would have forgotten or not even heard in the first place
Women often confuse my attention to detail & memory for interest & are flattered that I'm so "into them that I'm really listening"
So often what I just assumed a friendly & interesting conversation , they think is me flirting with them
I don't see this coming , so when at the end of the party or evening women have whispered if I'd take them home or if I want to come back for "coffee" I am often put on the back foot or put in an awkward situation of having to refuse or make up some excuse

 

[nowwhat]

What cleared a lot of this up for me is the plethora of "how to tell if someone likes you/is flirting with you, etc. guides online. It helps.

 

[Suzanne]

I was just wondering how this dynamic plays into those of us who are more or less aromantic as well. It's not a trait I'm happy about, but I must admit I've always felt on inability to comprehend and project being romantic to a degree NT women would want or appreciate.

Even decades before even understanding that I might be on the spectrum, I was never about to admit such things to my NT girlfriends. I'd think it would have been one of those "deal-breakers" to my relationships that failed anyways. Catch-22

I am not romantic either! Feel uncomfortable with romance. Feel weird when my husband looks all gooey at me and think: wow that is bizarre and sort of giggle and try and detach myself.

 

[Judge]

I am not romantic either! Feel uncomfortable with romance. Feel weird when my husband looks all gooey at me and think: wow that is bizarre and sort of giggle and try and detach myself.

Sex and affection in real time have never been a problem to me. But romance....arrrrgh...it's a social convention to me. Representing a frame of mind and reference where I seem to have some kind of "disconnect" with. Too akin to dating I suppose.

 

[superawesomeme]

How can you tell if someone is flirting with you or just trying to be friendly? I'm old fashioned in that I like the guy to make the first move. I know that I'm definitely not good at flirting. What are some unmistakable ways to know if it's flirting or friendly?

OMG I think I'm the world's worst person at identifying when someone is flirting with me. I've actually missed out on two potentially good prospects because I was completely oblivious to the other person's advances.

The biggest one that springs to mind was when I was 17, on a holiday with friends in Spain. They had invited along this guy from college who I didn't know, to make numbers up.

He was really nice and we got on straight away. All of us. Over the two weeks he would always try to partner up with me if we did an activity, we'd go out for something to eat together without the others, we even stayed out all night after the others went back to the hotel, took a moonlit walk along the beach and watched the sun rise over the ocean from a cliff side. Then on the way home from the holiday we fell asleep on each other.

After that he stayed in contact, calling and writing letters (this was kind of the early days of the internet - you didn't really email each other), we'd meet up, go for walks...

Later that summer he went off to university but he stayed in touch. He kept inviting me to visit and told me all the things he was up to. Eventually our friendship dwindled due to distance and he met someone.

That was when my other friends decided to me that he had been interested in me the whole time.

It's funny how, after the event, your mind rewinds everything and plays it back to you with a cruel sense of mockery like reading the last page of a murder mystery first.

Of course there could have been many other guys that passed me by as a result of my inability to tell when they're flirting.

As far as my flirting skills go, I tend to jump straight from second gear into fifth. Maybe not quite as blunt as "hi, I like you, go out with me!" but there certainly isn't much scope between getting to know them and turning into a fully fledged stalker, planning my wedding and picking out names for our puppies. [emoji15]

 

[Catlover614]

OMG I think I'm the world's worst person at identifying when someone is flirting with me. I've actually missed out on two potentially good prospects because I was completely oblivious to the other person's advances.

The biggest one that springs to mind was when I was 17, on a holiday with friends in Spain. They had invited along this guy from college who I didn't know, to make numbers up.

He was really nice and we got on straight away. All of us. Over the two weeks he would always try to partner up with me if we did an activity, we'd go out for something to eat together without the others, we even stayed out all night after the others went back to the hotel, took a moonlit walk along the beach and watched the sun rise over the ocean from a cliff side. Then on the way home from the holiday we fell asleep on each other.

After that he stayed in contact, calling and writing letters (this was kind of the early days of the internet - you didn't really email each other), we'd meet up, go for walks...

Later that summer he went off to university but he stayed in touch. He kept inviting me to visit and told me all the things he was up to. Eventually our friendship dwindled due to distance and he met someone.

That was when my other friends decided to me that he had been interested in me the whole time.

It's funny how, after the event, your mind rewinds everything and plays it back to you with a cruel sense of mockery like reading the last page of a murder mystery first.

Of course there could have been many other guys that passed me by as a result of my inability to tell when they're flirting.

As far as my flirting skills go, I tend to jump straight from second gear into fifth. Maybe not quite as blunt as "hi, I like you, go out with me!" but there certainly isn't much scope between getting to know them and turning into a fully fledged stalker, planning my wedding and picking out names for our puppies. [emoji15]

Wow, I can only fantasize about a cozy rendezvous such as the one you described when in Spain. And, I've had a real life stalker before and it was very scary. He'd peek in my 2nd story windows....EEK! I will attempt to flirt with a guy I like, but if I even get the slightest notion of rejection, I'm so embarrassed and excuse myself.

 

[CaptainMatthew]

There was a time that I couldn't at all, but seems that I am radar now for knowing and it is pretty uncomfortable.

Try talking with a guy about something pretty normal and see the change in his face and body and mutter a quick excuse and darts away and each time you see him, he blushes furiously? I hate being so aware! One time, he actually whispered: you know you are beautiful! The thing was it was so fast, that I thought I misheard, but because of what he said, I felt deeply embarrassed. We are both married and I do not have "feelings" for him. He is a great guy and used to work with a male aspie, but he has a dry sense of humor, that I take literally, but he is very gentle when he says: I am only teasing.

I feel really uncomfortable being able to tell the difference now, but I cannot tell you when that occurred, because when I was younger, it was my sister who would often prod me and say: are you stupid or something? Can't you see he fancies you and i was like: what? The guy was just talking to me; a bit rich of me to assume he fancied me!!!

What I get stuck on, is not being able to tell the difference when I am being friendly or flirting. According to my husband, I flirt outrageous and to me, it is just being friendly. Yes, I smile and laugh, but do not say suggestive things. However if a guy looked at me in that certain way, I would recipicate it and feel horrible for that.

I very much feel this way, but from a male perspective. In youth I was horrible at talking with the other sex, I would stutter and stammer and couldn't recognize the difference. I always sought out friendship first, but was admonished so many times that I wanted to be "friends" first, like it was a bad thing, that only confused me more and I locked up in hesitation, probably making myself that much more awkward. I did learn the flirting and reading body language, but I still struggle to identify the difference from a fun flirty friend or a potential girlfriend? It confuses me a lot, and I've lost a lot of potentials due to my awkwardness and inability to either read right or express appropriately. I wish I knew the right answer. I'm a fun flirty kind of person, I enjoy making others smile, but then it gets complicated. Was it a compliment and that's all? Was she just making small talk? Did she misinterpret my kindness for flirting? Should I just stay in my shell and remain quiet? I like being myself, a man, and in my world a man should make the first move. I don't know if I'm dated or out of date, but I still struggle with this. I was married for nearly 18 years, she passed last year from cancer. She knew all of me and we had fairly good communication as she knew how to interpret my communication or lack their in. After 20 years of being off the market, I don't know how to be any other way. It's very hard to be honest and upfront when so many run away, either running away in terror or humor. I always feel like I'm walking a razors edge, with feet bleeding trying not to fall into either side of failure. Communication is hard work! More so for Aspies. I figure I have to keep trying or I'll never meet anyone, and I try to hide myself until I feel safe enough to let some of myself be known. I can hide or play any roll that can be played, just not the character that is "me". When the right one comes along she will be patient, understanding and kind. Until then I will keep being friendly, regardless of how people interpret it. Good luck with your growth, relationships, and communications!

 

[Catlover614]

I very much feel this way, but from a male perspective. In youth I was horrible at talking with the other sex, I would stutter and stammer and couldn't recognize the difference. I always sought out friendship first, but was admonished so many times that I wanted to be "friends" first, like it was a bad thing, that only confused me more and I locked up in hesitation, probably making myself that much more awkward. I did learn the flirting and reading body language, but I still struggle to identify the difference from a fun flirty friend or a potential girlfriend? It confuses me a lot, and I've lost a lot of potentials due to my awkwardness and inability to either read right or express appropriately. I wish I knew the right answer. I'm a fun flirty kind of person, I enjoy making others smile, but then it gets complicated. Was it a compliment and that's all? Was she just making small talk? Did she misinterpret my kindness for flirting? Should I just stay in my shell and remain quiet? I like being myself, a man, and in my world a man should make the first move. I don't know if I'm dated or out of date, but I still struggle with this. I was married for nearly 18 years, she passed last year from cancer. She knew all of me and we had fairly good communication as she knew how to interpret my communication or lack their in. After 20 years of being off the market, I don't know how to be any other way. It's very hard to be honest and upfront when so many run away, either running away in terror or humor. I always feel like I'm walking a razors edge, with feet bleeding trying not to fall into either side of failure. Communication is hard work! More so for Aspies. I figure I have to keep trying or I'll never meet anyone, and I try to hide myself until I feel safe enough to let some of myself be known. I can hide or play any roll that can be played, just not the character that is "me". When the right one comes along she will be patient, understanding and kind. Until then I will keep being friendly, regardless of how people interpret it. Good luck with your growth, relationships, and communications!

That's extremely well said CaptainMatthew! I'm sorry for your loss btw, and communication for me has become quite the task lately. Patience will pay off.

 

[superawesomeme]

Wow, I can only fantasize about a cozy rendezvous such as the one you described when in Spain. And, I've had a real life stalker before and it was very scary. He'd peek in my 2nd story windows....EEK! I will attempt to flirt with a guy I like, but if I even get the slightest notion of rejection, I'm so embarrassed and excuse myself.

I'm not that bad

 

[NovaScotia Aspie]

How can you tell if someone is flirting with you or just trying to be friendly? I'm old fashioned in that I like the guy to make the first move. I know that I'm definitely not good at flirting. What are some unmistakable ways to know if it's flirting or friendly?

I am pretty obtuse when it comes to deciphering flirting signals but I would start to think a woman might be interested in me if she touched me , not accidental touching .