Friendlessness and freedom

[Calibar]

When I observe people dealing in social situations at times they seem very dishonest and pretentious in order to avoid looking “uncool”. Seems that every moment they need to be on guard and prepared to lie in order to maintain approval from others. Cannot help but think “what stupidity and weakness!” Who would be willing to sacrifice personal freedom in order to maintain their social status? I certainly would not be. I feel little need for friends. Even even if I wanted them they would need to accept me as I am or go their own way. I think these socialites are often jealous of our freedom, confidence and inner strength.

 

[Judge]

A perceived need for social acceptance drives many people. I see it as a human trait, not necessarily defined as being exclusive to any one neurological type. Besides, I think most people at one point or another seek some form of validation.

It's just that in our case, the issue of social acceptance is far more complex. Ranging anywhere from diminished to eschewed altogether. Which may or may not be influenced by our ability or lack thereof in interacting with others. Yet I don't see this as any cause to wear one's autism like any badge of honor.

That in essence it doesn't make us any better or worse than Neurotypicals. We're simply different in various respects. And I don't see them as being the slightest bit envious of us, largely because the vast majority haven't a clue of who- or what we really are.

 

[Datura]

Social capital does, in part, determine ones access to tangible resources, as well as providing safety, to the impulse for social acceptance is not entirely irrational. But I agree that misrepresenting ones self to gain the acceptance of others is a tiresome exercise. I have learned to care far too much about what other's think of me. Despite this I think I am incapable of putting on airs. I have been accused of not having different "modes" for varying social settings.

 

[Calibar]

Agreed it is quite useful materially speaking. I would have no problem with faking it if I could, in order to get my way as many people seem to. Would be very unpleasant though.

Social capital does, in part, determine ones access to tangible resources, as well as providing safety, to the impulse for social acceptance is not entirely irrational.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I'm terrible at faking it, my personality always spills out towards the end - and in many cases it never ended well. I've been a lone wolf by choice through a big part of my life but I wanted friends when I was in my early 20's. How naive was I to think that I'd magically make friends with everyone in my college department after being so socially inexperienced? In that case I didn't even try to fake it - I acted naturally and many people ended up hating me.

Later on I started working and I needed to act as professionally as I could because it's a business. I tried my best to act that way in front of the boss and clients and I think it went pretty well for a while. I was the only employee for a few months and then gradually started getting coworkers, so I needed to fake it even more. Retrospectively I remember being reserved and still revealing some of my weirdness to them, but as the years went by the mask inadvertently slipped. They started seeing all the anxiety, negativity, whining and complaining, immaturity, self-hatred, inability to control emotions and the inability to be self-reliant, lack of social skills and lack of common sense. I got into some squabbles with a few of them because of my behavior and ended up exhibiting the self-hatred even more.

However, what I AM good at is being nice and respectful towards my boss, coworkers and clients. I don't see anything wrong with them, and I've never gotten mad at anybody but myself over there. I always put myself down and I always elevate them to superhero status. I have very good programming skills, too - despite lacking so many other skills. I believe that the programming skills and my ability to treat people with respect despite my behavior are the main reasons why the boss is still keeping me around.

I still try to fake it when it comes to the few friends I have, as much as I possibly can. It's only been a couple of years, as opposed to work (almost 5 and a half years). I'm worried about about how the mask might slip even further and the possibility of losing them. At the same time I can see that they accept me for who I am and didn't ditch me like a dirty diaper to this day. They try to help me with my social issues. So do my parents and coworkers. That's something I will always take to heart. I feel like I slightly improved since college by observing all these people and I'm learning how to better myself even further through my psychologist.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I agree that schmoozing, sucking up and adopting all the latest trends in expressions, mannerisms and things to be seen doing are strategies of social influence and social advancement that are unavailable to Aspergers. Good luck to those who have the skills to play that game because the slings and arrows you field on your way up can be eye-watering. You're climbing some social ladder behind people who've climbed it before you, and those people at the top can be ruthless towards those trying to get a slice of their pie - probably because they know what duplicities, pretensions, hollow flatteries and self-deceptions they themselves had to enact on their way towards 'making it'.

While many of us might go this route if we could, I also believe that self-sufficient types, and those who do not seem to fit with any established types or groups, can be unnerving to more socially skilled types (aka NTs). NTs may be used to getting their validation from the group and their ability to charm and flatter. In contrast, loners and outsiders may draw their strength and confidence from some mysterious inner source. They either do this naturally due to their lower need for external stimulation or they learn to do this through repeated rejections. Aspergers' separateness from the group may unnerve NTs because NTs couldn't imagine how they themselves could ever survive being so separate/ self-sufficient. NTs then project their own fears and inadequacies onto Aspergers - deriding Aspergers as untrustworthy 'misfits' in an effort to soothe their own uneasy feelings of inadequacy. NT inadequacy might stem from an inability to be self-sufficient, an unwillingness to forge their own views and values separate from those of the group, or from a lack of knowledge of their own inner life and depths.

 

[Calibar]

@Tyrantus1212 Good to hear that you are nice to others. I try to be helpful to others, although not necessarily nice. My facial expressions are often serious...

@DuckRabbit wow you said that so well. And you write so well too. Just tying some of this flattery thing But really you articulated what I wanted to say very well. Sometimes feel like NTs are impressed by an aspie's inner strength and seek their constant approval, when it is not given unless really earned, they become resentful.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm happy to have friends now, so I have the option of hanging out with people when I feel like it. Too bad the downside of friends is being bugged to hang out when I don't feel like it too

 

[Calibar]

I know how you feel, one of my former friends (a wonderful person) used to stay over for many hours and when it got late felt like asking him: can you go now? Even with the people I liked most felt exhausting if it lasted too long...