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Finding your tribe

Nisk

The Spoiler King
Odd how the NT world thinks aspies lack compassion, empathy and feeling. In my short time on these forums I've received more kind words, encouragement and understanding then I've received from almost anywhere else. It could be said the therapeutic value of one aspie helping another is without parallel (saying stolen from another fellowship but applies well here).

The thing is I find myself reaching to these forums for support and understanding. Most of my NT friends have empathy and love in spades. Except when I try to explain how it feels to be unable to look into someone's eyes, the physical compulsion to wake up everyday at the same time or the way there seems to be a disconnect between my heart and my head. They just can't understand, they can listen and have compassion but they won't feel the same feelings they can't their brain is wired slightly different.

What I'm trying to say is thank you all for your support, this is my tribe and it is where I belong.
 
I am glad you have found comfort amongst the 'tribe' (couldn't tell if that was an allusion to the recently released book NeuroTribes ;D). I share a very similar outlook. I have found a real, underlying comfort amongst fellow Aspies, from online interactions and from those I've met in person through group, a genuine comfort that I have never before found in all the people and interactions I've had with NTs throughout my life.

I believe the commonly-accepted notion that Aspies lack empathy is not well understood and thus poorly explained. I think there is a more instinctive, more immediate, response in the case of "NT empathy" that is activated by sub-cortical networks in the brain that is perhaps not present at the same capacity in those on the spectrum. But the definition of empathy is not confined to that type. Indeed there is a more thoughtful, less instinctive form that is the kind we feel, than involves the more complex pre-frontal and cortical regions of our brain. It may not enable us to quickly recognize emotions and facial expressions, but our capacity to feel another person's thoughts and emotions is arguably on par, if not more intricate, than the NT-type.


(I would not say that NTs lack this "second type" of empathy that I describe; I believe they have both. But the second type may not be apparent when played alongside the more immediate-type response.)
 
Love! And yes, I have found that kinship among others on the spectrum is without compare when it comes to understanding and just 'getting' things that we go through or experience. Glad you found that here!
 
There's so much that I just don't have to explain. Or hide. Or make excuses for. Other aspies don't have to share my own issues, but a lot of them 'just get it.'
 
Someone on the spectrum once described the discomfort when looking someone in the eye as being like two south poles trying to come together. I like this description, and it's one that NTs can understand, even though they don't feel it themselves.
 
This is an interesting topic for me. I am an NT, but, I joined this site because of problems as having with an aspie that I was close to. She's not the only aspie friend I have, and I had wondered about that with my therapist. She thinks my OCD and ADHD gives me some common traits without actually being on the spectrum. My therapist thinks this might be why I am able to relate to aspies so well and why so many feel comfortable around me and seek me out. She thinks that it's a commonality of traits.
That said, anyone who has read some of my original posts about my friend, would see, externally, someone who would fit the label of being one who lacks compassion and empathy. However, that will be taking my experiences with her out of context. All aspies are different just as NTs are different from one another. What drew me to her WAS her compassion and empathy. I have to keep reminding myself of this. If I only focused on the events of the past two months, or, only told people of those experiences of the last two months, she would easily come off as being cold and lacking empathy. However, I know that's not the case, and to say otherwise would grossly misrepresent her. I recently discovered a blog of hers where she wrote, at the time that everything fell apart between us (but without mentioning me), that she was in a lot of physical and emotional pain and frustration from her years of health problems and that she wanted to take it all and put it in a bag and smash it again somebody and hurt them. I've just realized, that I was that person. However, I don't think she's made the correlation. It's my particular compassion as an NT/OCD, that has figured this out. Unfortunately, she's cut off all communication with me, so I have no way of working this out with her.
I don't know how typical she is of the spectrum but, I can now see why she comes across to many as lacking empathy and compassion, when I suspect that it's quite the opposite for her. I think if we hadn't gotten so close, she probably would not of lashed out to me. It still hurts, but at least I can have a dualistic in view of things. I think with the right effort, an aspie and an NT can actually form as strong or stronger bond then they would among their peers.
 
I haven't felt particularly supported or understood by other aspies. To be fair, I haven't particularly sought out any support, but my problems bore me to tears, let alone anyone else. There's very, very few people who I feel "get" me, but of the ones that do they're all NT.
 
I'm the same way, when I post anything aspie related on facebook I might get one or two likes, no comments, definitely no dialog. But coming on here where we all have similar struggles is a great sense of camaraderie that I don't feel even with my closest friends.
 

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